:: 2004 3 November :: 6.26 pm

life sucks

let it

:: 2004 2 November :: 7.57 am

What is there to say? Nothing much really, I am tired and at this point not going to school, so that is the way the world turns.

On another note I get to go vote today. Go Republicans. No one is sure how this election will turn out but, I know how I am voting.

let it

:: 2004 28 October :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: angry/excited

So, this weekend is going to be quite crazy, yes quite. I am not sure exactly what is going on, but i have a good idea of what might be going on.

Anyhow, i won't be home until Sunday most likely. Weekend craziness, yay Halloween.

let it

:: 2004 24 October :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: perplexed

I am not so sure...
what emotion I am experiencing at this moment. It is sadness, and happiness, resent and regret. I wish I could get a handle on everything that is going on inside me.

Xach was over here for the weekend. It seems like it has been forever since he left. I hate it. I hate this. I hate everything.

Yet I love life. Once Xach left I tried to watch the Return of the King. Tried. I fell asleep part way through, then went into my room to sleep, then came back out when I awoke to the sound of my favorite part beginning.

Then once the movie was over I realized how sad I was. I was trying to hide it for the most part. I think most of it was from the fact that Xach was in my life for three days and now he is gone again.

I think another part of it was the fact that my kitten that I had neglected died today. I had to watch him die. He was laying on the porch sprawled out on his side, barely breathing. He was barely hanging onto life for hours. The worst part was...I imagined how lonely he must have felt. He was alone, dying there on the porch. My sister was there tho, trying to give him water and food, and pet him as he writhed and meowed. At first I was afraid to touch him. I was afraid to embrace death. I knew he was going to die but I couldn't handle it. I was afraid to touch him because I didn't want to lose him. But once I saw my sister loving him with her touch I did too. I cried. I wailed. Up until this point I had almost forgotten what it felt like to lose someone to death. I ran my hands over his limp body and hoped that he could sense that I loved him.

I guess little moments like this make mortality all the clearer. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for awhile, then when I collected myself I called Sharon. Not because I had any awe-inspiring words of wisdom, but I just wanted to hear her voice and to know that she was okay. I guess it was because I care so much for her that I just had to talk to her. I didn't say anything but "I called to see how you were doing. " and then "Sometime this week I want to rake a big pile of leaves with you and jump in them." That was the extent of my conversation, but it meant so much.

I feel like I didn't do anything with Xach this weekend. First of all on Friday I sprained my ankle fairly badly, so I didn't want to go the The Westwood, or anything else. We went into BG but I decided that I didn't want to go to the movies, so we came home. Saturday we watched the The Fellowship of the Ring then went to Spaghetti Warehouse. Then went to the County home for a Halloween thing that they were doing. The came home, then watched rest of Fellowship. Then went to bed around 12. Today we went to church, went out to eat in Grand Rapids, then watched The Two Towers. Then he left. I blah....I hate it when I feel like I did absolutely nothing. I hate it when I feel like I have wasted my time. ugh. It's like I wish I could spend every hour doing something with him, because I have so little time when he is here.

I want to sleep and not wake up for awhile. Goodnight.

let it

:: 2004 20 October :: 5.47 pm

i wished it was
so simple
but it never will be.

Sometimes I cry
because I need to
other times I yell
because I want to
when will it stop?
when will the pain be over?
soon, I hope, soon.

let it