shiznit05
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2004 4 November :: 2.31pm
im horrible at keeping up with this thing...i apologize
life has been hectic lately...
working 12 hours a week, its not so bad, its work, it normally passes fairly quickly, i enjoy it while im there, but as soon as i leave, the thought of going back makes me cringe...
school has been decent...calc is the only class im doing "poorly" in...i say "poorly" because its my worst grade...but its still a B+, but its so close to an A, it angers me. band is getting on my nerves a lot...it was fun today because i sat by daniel while he played his clarinet for the first time in 5 years...made me happy. the store debts are becoming less and less which makes me happy, but we're playing holiday music already, which makes me sad. i got first chair symphonic...im excited, yet extremely scared at the same time...im not a good soloist, i dont shine under the light like ian does...itll be interesting. calculus is a class i really enjoy...sure i dont always understand and its frustrating, but joh nick whipple and jacob keep it interesting...its always fun...physics...yawn...its such a bore, thank goodness tara is in there so i have someone to talk to..even though we talk a lot when we're not supposed to..ian's in there, but we really dont talk that much...i really really dont like govt...its horrible, i sleep a lot, and the people annoy me...AP is alright...its an english class...a subject ive never really enjoyed, but its better than most...art...i like art, its really relaxing to sit for 50 minutes and sketch or color or paint, or do whatever it is we're doing that day...i really dont know why i ever stopped sketching when i was younger...why did i box up all of my sketch books and put them in the attic?
we've been supposing to throw after school, but weather has been keeping us from it...we'll see if we ever do throw together, its a nice thought, really it is, but whenever it comes to carrying it out, we never seem as up to it as we previously were...i've gone by myself a few times in the last few weeks...i enjoy throwing by myself, i might go as far as to say i prefer it, but at the same time..i need someone else there to critique me...i need someone to point out what im doing wrong and give me pointers as to how i should go about fixing it...we'll see i guess
my birthday has come and gone...im 18 and i feel no different...i had a "surprise" party...i knew about it...they didnt do a very good jo at keeping it secret, but the thought it what counts, and it was very nice...something was lacking from it, and i know what it was, but im not going to go into it on here because i would a) insult a lot of people and b)feel badly about it later on, so on a completely selfish level, i shall keep that bit of info to myself
football season is over...marching season is over...i gave ian and adam a black and white photo i had taken at one of there games...they liked them, i wrote notes on the back..i thought it was a nice gesture...it hasnt reall hit me that marhing is over...i was expecting something more of a spectacular...something big emotional scene...but there wasnt one, i was ready to get out of there that night, and thats really sad...
i feel like we've all been playig this game lately where we take a step back all the time..and then a whistle will blow and some poeple will take a big step forward, but then start taking their smaller steps back again...its evil
we're going to johnny rockets tomorrow night!! that makes me so happy...
the past few days have been yucky, ive fallen into one of my 'i hat the world' moods, and everyone is really bugging me, its pretty bad, and ive been trying to keep my mouth shut, becuase i know i'll say something that will get me into trouble, thats how it always works
i had a good talk with ian the other night, i told him a lot of things that had been bothering me lately...they still bother me, but now that he knows maes it just a little bit better
i dont think it was me being a pessimist...i think that was the realist in me...that makes sense right?
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 16 October :: 10.01pm
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 16 October :: 9.45pm
its been awhile, but no one has complained, so i'll assume it didnt really matter
lots have happened lately...ive been busy, mostly with work..its not bad, i like most of the people, and i get frequent visitors, so its nice...for a job at least
clarinet auditions came and went....1st chair, im excited and scared all at the same time. its quite an accomplishment...im proud of myself...sara got third which is awesome, and carrie powell will be sitting in between us...mr headley will hate us, but its fine...i never really liked him anyway
i spent soem time with erica this week...i love that girl, i really wish i spent more time with her, we're so different yet so alike all at the same time...recent occurances have made me wish i would have held on tighter to certain people than i did...it sucks, and its hard to get it all back
i went in this week to talk to mrs dever...convince her im not crazy...it was just a poem, a poem i really liked, and still really like, the structure was mind blowing, and so what if the topic was touchy? it doesnt mean i related to it...not at this point in time...and i appreciate the concern, really i do, it is comforting to know that teachers will take the time out to contact a parent when their child reads something about suicide...however, the reaction it got from some of my friends is kinda iffy...you guys are my friends, right? i would have thought that you guys knew me well enough to know that im not like that...not now. idk, it seems like a bunch of bull to me...such crap. idk, like i understand i get quiet a lot of the time, and i dont speak too much about whats going through my head, but i would have thought that years of friendship would kinda clue you guys in on thats how i work. im not a talker...thats why i failed at therapy. i have long drawn out conversations, i think they can hurt more than they can help, i work things out in my head and thats normally where it stays. i apologize if its frustrating to you. i know it is. doug is a prime example....he hates it when i dont talk, but he knows its how i work...he understands it, and lets it go. and i also understand that talking can help...sharing feelings can help...however, i dont share feelings, i hate to break it to you, but im a bottler...its just easier that way. i like it that way. sharing feelings makes me feel vulnerable and it just doesnt work for me. for me. thats the key to this all...this is ME, its how i work...im sorry
i think its time to take a time out for awhile
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 4 October :: 9.21pm
its been awhile again...and again i am sorry
homecoming is over..and i dont think i could be happier. dont get me wrong, i really do enjoy working, and decorating, because its basically a chance for me to hang out with poeple i dont normally get the chance to...i spent like 2 straight days with kaylene, i never see britt unless its sab related, so it was actually a lot of fun...however, because i was working for sab, schoolwork kinda took a backseat, which isnt so hot. my calc grade could use some real help, so we'll see how that turns out, i think i'll ask B tomorrow what my grade is...i was to scared to ask her today...
i started working last week, its not so bad, ive only had 4 hours shifts though...we'll see how i feel when they start working me later and longer...
football games have been going well...the boys won against northview and perrysburg, but lost to AW, thats alright though...better than i thought we'd be doing...no offense really, i think i may be skipping the springfield game though...as much as id hate to, other things have popped up that are of a higher priority...
ive been regressing a lot lately...thoughts keep entering my mind that i havent had since i was in like 5th or 6th grade when i was at my worst point..i dont know why they've come back, and its odd because i acknowledge them, i tell myself that they're wrong, but the thoughts keep coming, but i guess as long as i realize what they are and know that i shouldnt be having them, im better off than when i truly believed them...that doesnt make sense to you probably, but i really have no one to share this with, and getting it out makes me feel better, so if you're at all confused just dont worry about it...its nothing hopefully
the word smug comes to mind....
i wish i could take back a lot of things...i dont know if its necessarily a feeling of regret, but if i could go back in time, i dont think i would have told him half of the things i did. and its not even that i dont trust him anymore, im sure he wont go around boasting this to the world, there's no reason to, but at the same time, i dont like having that information out there anymore, i wish i could keep it all in...i've actually gotten to the point where i wish i never would have told anyone...idk, i guess its good that they know, in case they ever have to deal with me/it...but idk, i like hiding, and i cant really do that now....idk, im such a mess right now with this whole thing, i keep going around in circles with myself
i skipped out on homecoming this year...from what i hear, i didnt miss anything...instead i went to the pearl jam concert...in a word: amazing. before the show began people were out having political discussions...people were running around getting as many people to register to vote as possible...Eddie Vedder went out into the crowd a few hours before the show and discussed the election with fans...how cool is that?? i think its awesome. but once the concert started it was all about the music, which i think is wise, i dont think it would have been very smart for the bands to go up there and give a pro kerry speech when there are people in the audience that were pro bush...not everyone went to the concert becuase of their political views, a lot of people went because of the music, which is fine, and which is why i think it was smart to not start lecturing once put on stage...so, yea, it was awesome
im starting to get back into the weing of going to classes...im not as far behind as i once feared and the teachers are really being nice about the whole being behind thing...i think i lucked out with my group of teachers this year..thank God
at the beginning of the year, i used to think i would be sad when the end of football season came...idk if i feel that way anymore..i mean, it'll be bittersweet, but once its over...we've got wintersports to look forward to, not that i do any, but that means i can start off season training for track...well hopefully that is..i dont know if we still plan on doing it, i really want to, so i guess time will tell
i stayed up late friday night chatting with megan for a bit after everyone left...its amazing how i can feel better after talking with her...i didnt even talk about anything of any importance, its not like we sat there and laid out on the table everything that was bothering us...we just sat there, and chatted about whatever came to mind, ate some frozen yogurt, and nothing more...yet at the end, i felt completely at ease...
i wish i had enough trust in people to really talk sometimes...
you know what i like? bus rides home from football games. i get like 30 minutes of douggie time, which i havent had in what seems like forever...its just nice :)
hmm...i need to start sending in my college apps...
thats all, sorry it was so long!
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 23 September :: 5.09pm
haha long time...long long time
so fuck me. i hate it when i get so stubborn about something...my mind is completely set on it, i refuge to budge, and then someone says something that makes me completely second guess myself. im talking about the dance here. i was set on not going...i turned away a perfectly good date - thats how averse to going i was. then i was talking to someone about living up my last year of high school and not caring about things that wont matter in a few years...fuck me. im still not going, i have other plans for that night, plans im really excited about...but now i have this little voice in the back of my head wondering what all i'll be missing...the wonderful after party im going to be missing...the kodak moments i wont be there to catch and have my mom scrapbook...idk, it sucks, but at the same time, i know i'll have fun also...very frustrating
so, anyway, it has been awhile since my last update...life's been busy, thats the main reason for the delay...im constantly going somewhere, painting something, calling someone, shopping for something, or running late to a meeting. school work has become less important, im horribly behind, eating? whats that?? i dont have time for lunch - well i take that back, i have time, but im too busy thinking about other things that by the time i think to go get food i have 3 minutes until the bell rings and theres just no time...im normally late getting to AP after lunch anyway. i get out of school after 6th...doesnt matter...i'm still there until like 4 everyday anyway, ive actually left a few days at 150 when im supposed to...i get home and im confused as to what im supposed to do. ive also fallen back into the routine of falling asleep when i get home...its never a good sleep though, i feel extremely groggy when i wake up and it would have been better had i never closed my eyes...
im greatful for being busy though...i fear what would happen if i would be left with myself for too long...my parents are gone this weekend, and i plan on staying with mike at his place...if he'll have me that is. i dont know what it is, but the idea of being alone really creeps me out now...i dont trust me by myself...im horribly regressing lately, and i need, NEED, to figure out how to reverse it...fuck
my mom won tickets to CP...only 2 though...i think she and my dad should go up, but that wont happen...i should steal them and go up with a friend...i need to find someone who loves rollercoasters as much as i do...hmm
this next month needs to pass really quickly
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let it
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