same old lines
"All the best DJs r savin
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and u
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you"

they are the lines that come from movies
the lines that come from magazines on how to let him/her off easy
the lines come from every lame hearted person trying to get out of a relationship and they couldnt use what they really wanted to say because they didnt have the courage
the lines like "its me not YOU" and "we can still be great friends right?"
and it seems like no matter how much the person on the recieving end of those words wants to say cut the bullshit, they never do. they rather take the lines, knowing they r bullshit, and walk away from the whole situation, knowing all along "u got beat, someone is better than you, someone brings a new element to the line talker's life."

i never thought i would be one of those people on the recieving end of those lines, or be the one to say them at all. but most of all i never expected myself to take those lines and not demand to be told the truth, and be one of those people who puts up with the bullshit. i love being straight forward and i respect when others do as well. i thought i would always deserve and demand the straight forward hardcore information from someone that i spent so much time with and had so much involved in a relationship with. i never thought someone that i cared so much about would feed me those bullshit lines, and on that note i never thought someone who claimed she loved me would say those lines either. but i guess i expected too much out of people. i always put so much faith into things and always get shut out or let down. i think iam through putting my all into relationships that are one day just going to end. i think i am going to invest all my time in friends and maybe have some hook ups on the side. and i say that now in the heat of the moment but in a day or two i will be longing to have that relationship back, or A relationship back, because i need the security and comfort that a second member to a party brings.

its kind of humorous, i think i called this relationships ending. if u read the last entry i thought after the second time she would go to the arms of a friend. and i think i was right. it hasnt happened yet and i dont know if i can handle the whole situation again. it sucks how everytime i set myself up for disaster. in the end i can always blame myself for what happens, either i introduced them or something else along those circumstances, but i always come back and blame myself for what happened. i guess there is another one of my flaws that i should cut out. blaming myself for everything. like the downhill movement of a friends life, or the realtionship gone sour between me and "the ex." oh well. it all comes with being young and stupid i guess.

its all over
i sit here on the clutches of tears and throwing up. i sit here thinking about the past nine nearing ten months of my life and wonder what it was all for. wondering how a moment of downtime in a relationship can make everything buckle under the pressures and experiences of everyday life. i guess its just being a teenager and the grounds that come along with it. i just am absolutely amazed that its over. it might only be a temporary fix but something deep down inside is telling me its not. something is telling me she is gonna run off with one if the constantly flirting guys that look better than me are more confident than me and are better to her than i was. a part of me knows its over because the second time never works out and i never make it to the third. i guess its just my luck yet again. as i think about it i can imagine it ending up just like last time... she falls head over heels for one of my best friends.... they r over... she falls back to me almost half a year later and for a few days or maybe even a week if i am lucky i think that the third time is actually gonna happen that its actually gonna work. but then that one guy is going to emerge from the woodwork and give her a kiss and change the rest of my life. it seems to be almost the fairytale ending for her and the nightmare ending for me. i pray that it doesnt end like my thoughts are telling me..... but as of now i sit here with all thoughts of the future... from summer license with a girlfriend that i love to the phone conversation we would have had in about fifteen minutes..... its all shot to hell. just like last time.

wondering about everything
life. such an incredibly confusing thing that we go through every day. sickness shurly does not help the incresingly painful stab in the heart that others actions relese upon you. the constant worry about if the people you have invested so much time and love into have even thought about you during the day or care enough to give you a call at the end of the night just to say they hope you get better. i lay on the couch all day today thinking of these things, thinking of whom truly cares about me and my well being and i finally came to a conclusion that i dont have the energy or strength to continue to put in the effort i do with the relationships that have. i thought of how if all the others in my life wanted the relationships to last they would make the effort for a little while, and let me let go of my bearings. i hate trying to keep my life orderly and grounded and doing the same damn thing everyday of my life, or the life i have right now. i decided i dont want my beairngs, i want to live spontainiously and have fun with my youth, not putting so much thought into what everyone else thinks or how my actions make them feel, because i only want to be myself, not someone whom tries to please everyone in life. sure it might not be the right choice in many of my friends point of views to just give up on putting effort into things and who the hell knows i might feel differently about it tomorrow, but right now i just feel like letting go of control over what hapens. i want to let my life fall out like it was meant to. so as i sit here, feeling the sickness course through my body, my head throbbing with fever, i still think about the people that make my head hurt even more, and about the people i long to understand their mentalities, and the people i long to have back in my life like they once were. so here are some lyrics that i love very much and that i think express how i feel right now.

"Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And i wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some things i'd like to say to you. And i don't think that you know what you've been missing. Cause i don't think that you know what you've been missing. And i dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from those nights when we were both found at our best. Now i could make this obvious, and you You could deny me all in one breathYou could shrug me off your shoulders."
Your Own Disaster, TBS

nothing but LowErcaSeS and CaPiTALs
"So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
If today's the day it gets tired
Today's the day we drop out
Gave up my body and bed
All for an empty hotel
Wasting words on lower cases and capitals

I contemplate the day we wed
Your friends are boring me to death
Your veil is ruined in the rain
By then it's you I can do without
There's nothing new to talk about
And though our kids are blessed
Their parents let them shoulder all the blame"

life. it is the one thing that everyone experiences that gives everyone battles, some dont exerience many harsh ones, then there are a few of us who have shit handed to us everyday. but no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much shit you go through, it is always up to you to make everything better for yourself. is it here, typing, because i love my best friend more than words can explain. he is one of the people that gets shit handed to him everyday, and he deals with it in ways that he thinks make it all go away, but in fact everything he does is magnifying the drama that is going on in his life every day. he goes to school, intoxicated, or gets that way during lunch, then goes home to a mom who he means the world to but he doesnt know that because all they talk about is his "habits" which shouldnt be habits at all because he actually does have dreams for his future. just last week he walked up to me and lindsey, he had a model of a wall that e built in a class, and he showed it to us and said that he wanted to become an arcitecht when he grows up. the moment he said that i was so proud of him i though this was going to be the moment he started "flying right" towards the future he deserves. tonight i was at the football game, he calls during the fourth quarter, sounding perfectly normal, fifteen minutes later his mom is pulling him through the stands, winding in and out of clusters of people, him stumbling behind her, so incoherent that he doesnt really know what is happening. i rush down the stairs and meet her at the bottom, she stops and basically collapses into my arms and starts to sob, but not because of a petty argument, but because she has accepted the fact that her son is throwing away his life as everyday goes by. but when she walked up it wasnt me who held my arms out, knowing she needed reassurance, but she walked up to me and needed support, and when i thought about it for a second i realized that she doesnt get that from anyone. no one in her house gives her love and support everyday, like this wonderful woman deserves. however, my friend sees her act of caring and love and worrying as being bitchy and not understanding, and ends up blowing things way out of proportion, and everyone thinks the exact same thing about it except for him. we all know she loves him to death and just wants to help her son out, the son that really does have a bright future if he would lay off all the things that he thinks are helping him, but in fact they are just bringing him down. i love him very much, as i said earlier in the entry, but he doesnt understand that so hopefully one day he will stumble across this entry, read it and be inspired, and if he does get inspired i want him to know that i will sacraface everything to help his life get better than it is right now, that i will do whatever it takes so he can become the guy he is meant to be, the wonderful person that he is deep down inside. tonight he said to me that he misses me and i said to him back " i miss you too, but not this you, the old you" and i think i am the only one who has enough courage to actually say something to him. so the point of this entry is to let him know i love him more than anything on this earth and i want him to know that, i just want him to know that there really is one thing in life worth going day to day and not using some type of drug or drinking some tyoe of alcohol, i just want to let him know friendship and love is the reason why he needs to go from day to day, as the person he is without all this shit he puts in his body. i love you, friend of mine.

The forth with three meanings
the past. it is the one thing that haunts the future of millions of people in this world, whether it is a good memory that they compare everything else to, a special person that passed away, or someones first love that decided to take another path. september the fourth last year was not a good day for me. i was alone, sad, and depressed becasue of my first love. me and her began dating three years ago, september 4 2001, and it was a day that started memoried that hopefully i will remember for the rest of my life. there are so many i just cant even think of them all; oero, im british cant u tell?, "will u be my girlfriend" and so many more. but this september fourth is a much better one as far as my love life goes. it is the third month "anniversary" for me and gaea. i am so incredibly happy with her. she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. she is just simply amazing. then there is my grandpa who passed away. i am pretty sure its his birthday today. the first one my mom, grandma, and aunts celebrate without him. i have been thinking of him a lot lately, this thanksgiving and christmas is going to be hard without him. he was so full of life until the very end. i miss him so much its amazing. i look at his pen everyday. the pen is a little pen that u stick on a shirt or something that has a telephone on the front from when he used to work at a telphone company. if i recall correctly it was a visit to ohio after his first heart attack and the day we left i was hysterical and i made him go find something that he wanted to give me to remember him by because i had the crazy idea that i was never going to see him again. i was just a little kid then and didnt know what i was talking about, but i am so glad i asked him for something and he gave me that because until the day i die i will always have that pen. its a way that i can have my grandpa close wherever i am. grandpa i hope u have a wonderful birthday in heaven, we all miss you and love you. rip.

Cops and Robbers
so this morning my mom came up the stairs at ten to wake me up for a family discussion. i went downstairs and on my way to the bathroom i saw my brother with a white shirt and tie and all dressed up for something. so when i came out of the bathroom i went to the table and asked my mom where they were going and she said to the courthouse. last night ur brother and ali and josh and skyler broke into the house on the hill and stole artwork. and that they are being charged with breaking and entering private property and stealing. then brad had to tell his story. see they leftthe house wearing all black and said that they were going to go play night time capture the flag down at a guys named cams house but instead they went to the abandoned house. so they walked around for about thirty nimutes with their flashlights and looking at all these newspaper articcles that were everywhere. then on their way out they had decided to take something for a kind of souvenier. see thats the one thing i didnt understand from his story. the house is at the entrance to our neightborhood practically so u see it everytime u come home..... why would u need an item to remember somethin thats not going anywhere. i think that was so stupid because even if they did get caught.... they wouldnt be in as much trouble because they would have said it was abandoned and didnt know anyone owned it and it really wouldnt be that big of deal. so now they are at the court house waiting for a court date. hopefully all four of their futures arent ruined because they all had a good one i can tell u that much. it sux though...... my mom was crying and my dad was trying no to care i hink........ i dont even want to know what ali's parents said cause they prolly freaked out. hopefully ali will be allowed over here again lol but i guess now we will just have to see what happens. bye for now.

imagine
"I can only imagine what my eyes would see when your face is before me. i can only imagine. surrounded by your glory what would my heart feel....."

that is the most amazing song. i havent talked about my grandpas funeral in my journal at all or even his death. my mom's best friend, DJ, sang that song "i can only imagin" at the beginning of the funeral to start things off. it was amazing she has such a great voice and did a great job and it brought almost the whole place to tears it was crazy. my grandpa died april 30 and his funeral was may 5. his lungs filled up with water in the end and thats what cause his final death but really he had suffered for 11 months of cancer treatment. its definately not the way that i want to leave this world and its not the way i want to leave my friends and family. the day before he passed my mom was with him because my grandma was envited to a tea (its a british thing lol) but my grandpa insisted on getting out of the hospital bed that had been brought to their house, which he hadnt gotten out of in about two weeks, and he asked my mom to walk him over to the glass door that looks out onto their back patio and he stood there for about thirty minutes just looking out. looking at the plants that he had planted and looking up at the sky ino the heavens and it was almost like a sign that he was leaving very soon and in fact passed away a little more than 24 hours later. the funeral was the hardest trhing i think i have ever done in my life. when we arrived there we walked into the main room and there was this big board set up with tons of pictures of him with family and friends and i was looking around and there was a picture of me and him sitting together with big smiles and looking so happy just to be with eachother because we would only see eachother about once a year at most. right when i saw that picture i lost composure and started to cry i felt stupid though because no one else was brought to tears just looking at the pictures but i guess some things affect others differently. but then there was a little seperate room with the coffin surrounded by flowers it was beautiful. but then there was the open casket with him lying there so still and so cold i was petrified. that was the first time i had ever attended a funeral that i was very close to the person and to see him lying there not moving was horrible. my aunts and grandma were all standing in the smaller room with the coffin and i gave all them a hug and they all started crying again when i hugged them and it made me cry and it was just bad. then after an hour of all our close family arriving, friends started to arrive. once the friends arrived they closed the casket because most people wouldnt want to remember someone with how they looked dead but when they were alive and healthy. there was a lot of supportive people there for me and the rest of my family, even though i didnt know hardly any of them. once the funeral seremony was done we drove to the gravesite, and i must say it is one of the most beatuiful grave yards i have ever seen. there are huge trees and beautiful headstones and it is a wonderful place for ones body to lie. once the pastor had said a few words at the gravesite he gave all of us roses that were part of this large flower thing that sat on top of the casket made of just greenery and a ton of these roses. then we all walked by the casket said our last goodbyes and then it was all over. but then again it isnt all over because for the rest of my life and the rest of my moms and aunts and my brothers and my cousins and my grandmas life he wont be here. i still havent really grasped the fact that i will never see him again because there is something inside of me telling me i will. i pray that i do though because i love him so much its amazing. he was the best granpa i could have ever asked for and may he rest in peace. bye fore now.

stef's
it is finally summer! well today was pretty good..... went to band and played graduation songs....... then went to greene's and took a hard ass WH exam. came home layed down for a while then went to work and the highlight of my day after work, goin to stef's house to hang out with all the friends. we went swimming from like 7 til dark so it was fun and then everybody got in showers and it was amusing. then i had to get naked lol and change in the bathroom it was fun lol. then i went out into the main room and mal was on the floor doin the worm and it was funny as poo and i love the worm its awesome. so then i was like i can do it better than u mal and i couldnt do it but then we went into the weightroom and i practiced and it was funny as crap cause mal starts standing up and then hits the ground and i tried doin it that way but instead of hitting the floor at an angle i hit it flat and almost broke my toes it was crazy funny lol. but then i got it down (the worm) and went into the main room and did it, it was fun. but before i did it ben did it and he is crazy good at it, it provided me with much joy and me and him actually talked tonight and he seems pretty kool and all this time or a while back i just wished he would die lol. me and gaea were sittin together for a while and i really think i like her a lot. i really want to hang out with her soon just me and her, we will have to see what happens, hehe. and then we just hung out for a while and then people started leavin and then alex left and she was givin everybody hugs because she is movin the 26th and then she came over and gave me a hug and i was like dont worry i will see u again but then i started thinkin about it and i thought i might not see her again so i gave her another hug and she was like we will see eachother again. and it kinda made me think of how she is movin and i got a little "mellow" cause i realized she is gone in 6 days and thats pretty crazy. i dont feel bad for ben and alex but i wish things would be better for them, its gonna be hard but its what they want i guess. but maybe i am thinkin about her movin too much but i really am gonna miss her. and then i started thinkin about carol leavin, its gonna be so different without her next year and then there is paul who is movin in like a month or less. then mal said this year i swear everyone is either movin or dyin. and then i thought about frankie. now that school is over, not like we even acted like we knew eachother but whatever, i doubt i will ever see him. he has gotten so bad and i realize he might read this but i dont care. and maybe i am being a hypocrit because i know i have done it, but he has taken his "mary-jane" addiction a little overboard. its all he ever does and its all he can talk about or think about. and its weird because its like he isnt even frankie anymore because it has changed him so much. one day soon i am gonna say somethin to his face, even though i doubt he will listen, because he has a serious problem and i dont want to loose any more of him thats already gone. i have been thinkin about him a lot recently and about how different he is because people who were never even close to him have said somethin to me about it. lindsey even brought up out of the blue the other day how different he is and how he doesnt visit her anymore cause he is always getting high. if u read this anytime soon frankie, we miss u man. bye for now

going crazy
friend and pop are on their way to a concert, lindsey broke up with nathan, and i got a 62 on a math test. school is amazingly over in only 6 more days (8 including the weekend). highschool is so crazy its amazing with all the drama and work and studying. this year has been good though, but i cant wait for it all to be over. i can remember gym class first period last semester, me and lindsey were inseprable, and thats when me and mary vance were friends. i remember everyday i would go to that class, complain about how i cant stand alex and frankie, and how i didnt understand how my best friend went out with my ex girlfriend, and i was such a little bitchy emo kid that i couldnt realize that one day it would all be over, no matter what. whether the person who u are best friends with or the person that you are in love with, or think you are, moves away, or if someone close to you passes away, or if in some way you die yourself. somehow part of you dies under all the stress and emotions that are life. its so easy to loose yourself in this world. loose yourslef to a girl or guy or loose yourself to drugs or alcohol, no matter what, something is going to get you, but maybe it will get you in a good way, but most likely not. it seems like everyone i know has lost part of what i used to love about them to one of these four things (girl,guy,drugs, alcohol). its crazy how once you loose someone you always want the old them back but you dont have the courage to say something to them about their addiction. so if u are my friend and u are reading this and u have lost yourself or even a part of you to one of the four or even more, admit it to yourself that you have, because right nowi am letting you know that even if you think your addiction helps, it is just killing you and one day its not going to be there for you, so just come to your senses and put what means the most to you first. bye for now.

Gone
school is kinda crazy, i missed a week and it feels like i have so much to do, but thats because now i have on my mind the fact that i am going to miss another week of school. my grandpa died yesterday at 8:30 pm and my dad didnt tell us because my brother had to take the S.A.T.s this morning but he told us once brad got home. havent got emotional or anything yet all im worried about is calling my mom and her breaking down on the phone and the school i am missing. the funeral is on wednesday, i dont want to go i havent ever been to a funeral where the person was really really close like my grandpa. i leave on monday for ohio after we go to school and get all the work and then go downtown and get the suits that we rented. the drive up there is gonna suck with my brother and dad. not much to talk about, ill probably lay in the back seat listen to music and do beautiful homework, not really. i hate missing school, well at least so much of it. at least schools almost out though. im so scattered with my thoughts cause there so much goin through my brain and my hands are shaking and i cant type anymore so i am gonna go learn geometry i missed! oh joy. bye for now.

Friends
they are the most wonderful things that you can ever ask for, friends. people say i have a ton, and i guess i have a good amount of people i consider friends, but there are those certain group of people who are my true friends and i just want to write about them in a journal entry finally because its all about them. no names though because i dont need the drama. i have fallen out and fallen into new friendships this year and i am probably the happiest i have been in a while right now, this moment because i dont really have the friends that brought me down, the friends that were mixed up in drugs and alcohol, even though i did love our friendships, and still do, but dont want them in the same way. i am really going to clean up for one time in my life, and for hopefully the rest. i was watching real world the other day and there is a girl named Frankie on the show (not relating it to Frankie Culotta) but she was a cutter. and i thought it was crazy that people who cut themselves when going through hard times are now called "cutters" because, even though no one knows, when things got really bad i would cut my arms. it sounds crazy now and i dont know what possessed me to do it then but i am so glad i am out of that and the reason i am is because of my great friends. i just want to let all of you know that i love you and hopefully we will be able to keep our friendships kindled over the years. bye for now.

Im Not Sure Anymore
Im not sure what i am for anymore. i dont know who i am or what i want to acomplish in life. i am a lost sole and people are starting to recognize that i am just wondering around aimlessly. everyday is the same and everyday when i wake up i keep praying that something will happen to make me find myself. something that will make a day better, something that will make me want to wake up again and go to school and be happy all over again. there has to be something to work for, something to put all the effort into and something that will say good job at the end of the day. thats one thing i know i want. something thats gonna be there at the end of the day, no matter what screw ups or great accomplishes i made, thats just going to say great job on being you. great job on being a great person and everything someone could ever hope you could be. i need something to make me feel here and make me feel like i am fufilling a purpose everyday. will i ever get to see the ending to this story that i keep making longer and longer everyday and im not even sure what story i am writing but i know there is one. hopefully an end will come soon because i am thinking its gonna turn out pretty good. i am gonna be searching really soon, for myself and for something else that will hopefully help me out everyday and just be there for me. bye for now.

The Big A
i sit in silence when i am around you, not because i dont have anything to say, but because i dont want to say what i feel in fear of what you will say in response. somehow with every word u say it makes me want to hold on just a little bit longer and just hold on to the memories for the hope that we sill somehow and someday have eachother again. there are so many things that i will never say to you so i figured that i will say a few of them here. i still have an amazing amount of feelings for you and for some reason i tell people i dont, i tell them that i cant stand you, when sometimes that is true, but most of the time i just want to run up to you and hold you in my arms and never let go. then there is the thing with you and the current boyfriend. sometimes i want to scream at you but yet i am so happy that u have eachother because i can tell you make eachother really happy. but when i think about your happiness i think about how i could have had the same thing and it ruins the whole thing. i want to be with you so much and yet i know i cant because it isnt my place to be anymore. then there is you leaving for good that is constantly running through my mind. i want so badly just to be with you one last time before you move, before you leave, and before i possibly never get to see you again. i want to fall asleep with you under the stars and i want to kiss you one more time and i want to just be with you one more time. even though i know it wont happen, its ok because i will always have my memories of us whether they are good or bad. also no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, or whom i meet, i will always miss you. i have always missed you from the first day we left eachother's side. no matter what i will never be able to forget you and hopefully you will never forget me. its like this huge chapter in my life is going to end at the end of the school year, but the thing is, i dont want it to end. i want to keep making memories with you. i want it to still be u and me, us. but no matter what i dont think "us" has another chance and i guess thats the way things were meant to be. i actually hope that you are right, i hope that i will not painfully miss you for the rest of my life and i hope that i wont go through my life regreting everything that happened because it didnt end with me and you together. i will always love you and i will never let go. bye... forever.

today
wow today was not as bad as i though it was gonna be. last night i felt like shit and all depressed and stuff and then i took some sleeping pills and slept really well and woke up refreshed lol. but today i had a geo test and it wasnt that hard cause i actually remembered how to do most of it so it was cool. and then after school was the highlight of my day... drum line practice lol. it was the most fun i have had in like a month and justin johnson is like the funniest guy in the world. he dances so hilarious and its just to drum beats, its funny as crap. and bradford is so dramatic and its kinda scary but he is incredibly awesome anyway. then there is lucas which no matter what he is crazy and there is lauren who is just lauren lol and then there are the other guys who i dont really talk to lol. but i had a great time there and it made me happy and energetic and made my day great. i am actually looking forward to going tomorrow and thursday. bye for now