I won't hold on to this

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.27am
:: Mood: pensive

I'm twenty-six and probably buying a house in a few months.

:: 2013 15 September :: 8.47pm
:: Music: Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

PhDing and teaching. It involves lots of reading. And grading. Eventually, there will be writing. This year marks my 4th academic publication, and 2014 will hold conference presentations 7-9 at major conferences.

I really hope there will be some semblance of a good job at the end of all of this.

1 believer | catch a glimpse

:: 2013 31 July :: 3.18pm

We move to Indiana in five days. I start my PhD in two and a half weeks.

1 believer | catch a glimpse

windedhero

:: 2013 21 June :: 1.55pm

This is what a blockquote looks like.

:: 2012 14 September :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Fun: Walking the Dog

I survived getting sick from my students/colleagues until the end of week three. I'll take it.

I'm getting back in the groove. Things seem more like a clusterfuck, but they seem easier.

I'm taking Old English this semester, for no other reason than it's a degree requirement for a linguistics credit. I'd rather take French. With that being said, apparently two hellish years of French have really beefed up my language skills, and it's going quite easily. Perhaps I'll be one of those people who knows like five (useful) languages eventually.

Thesis. Blech. I don't want to talk about it.

Teaching is going well. I get their first drafts of their first paper by Monday at midnight. We're having fun in class, and they're all really good kids. I expect at least a quarter of them will fail the first draft, but the good thing for them about English is that we offer revisions. Lots and lots of revisions.

Other things are going well, but clouding the periphery--union stuff, graduate literary journal, other groups, non-profit work, academic senate/the eboard for that, too, and now I'm enrolled in a teaching academy through the university (only about 15 people university-wide were selected in total).

PhD applications in a few months.

I guess I should go parse some Old English or grade some papers. What else is there to do while being sick on a Friday night?

:: 2012 17 August :: 8.48am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Fun: Carry On

School starts again in about a week. I'm able to get in my office on Monday (hopefully). I just had a student email me about the syllabus for class. I don't have it done. Prep week doesn't even start until next week, and I don't even officially get paid for my work until the week after that.

Lots of things going on. I'm the president of the Graduate Student Union this year. I'm on staff of our creative writing publication. I'm teaching, taking classes, writing my thesis, and on the board of a non-profit. I'm also probably doing a innovative teaching academy program, and applying to PhD programs. Of course, all of these things are unpaid, and when it's all said and done, I make less than minimum wage. Oh, the joys of higher education.

1 believer | catch a glimpse

:: 2012 13 February :: 3.24pm

yeah, so i love how I am a "bad person" because i don't go to work when i am sick. I mean honestly, if you don't have a job don't criticize me for taking a day off at mine just because you are pissed that I have a job and hate it, while everyone else you know calls to bitch because they can't get a job. I'm not bitching and whose business is it aside from me and my boss if I don't go to work.
Get real.

:: 2011 21 December :: 9.02pm

i don't really understand how people can be so malicious.

:: 2011 17 November :: 3.34pm

what do you do when neither leaving or staying are the answer? I feel pushed into a corner and my friends and family are having to tell me they can't keep hearing the same thing but I don't have the answer to change it.

I feel lost.

:: 2011 25 September :: 6.34pm

sometimes people really irritate me. scratch that. my friends really irritate me. you try to do something to make sure they get what the want and they just get all pissy about it. so stupid.

:: 2011 4 August :: 11.34am
:: Music: Foster the People- Pumped up Kicks

Granted I am not a parent but i am pretty well fed up with watching others have constant issues with their kids and when it's just me and the kids there aren't problems.

Currently, mike has his work partner and her husband and 2 toddlers in our 1 bedroom. For starts... not fucking cool. For seconds... get the fuck out of my apartment with your screaming brats for the day. Pretty sure I said clear as day to get the hell out of here today because i can't fucking deal with it.... so why the fuck are you making them nap an hour and a half or 2 hours after they woke up?

I'm fed up with others. I need solace and confinement with the only noise being the noise I put on via music -- IF I want it. I have freelance work to do and I keep finding myself pulled into watching/ helping with the kids.
Please just go away.

----- edit-----
Apparently I scared the crap out of the dad because now (at 1:11 pm) they are going to the beach- finally. And he keeps trying to make the kids be quiet because I am blaring music and have not had anything to do with them all day.

who says flipping out doesn't work. At least I've finally been able to do some work.

--double edit---
what kind of 26/ 27 yr old goes and tattles to his younger wife that i told him to get out of the apartment for the day? "talks" tonight supposedly... but i think there are some freeloaders who need to buck up and live in the real world.

:: 2011 2 August :: 10.42am

why do i find myself never able to trust?

:: 2011 1 August :: 2.04pm

Sometimes it feels as though my emotions are cyclic. The same pings and pangs to my emotions with a different day, different person.... but really it's all the same.

I'm bored with life, and now when i am wanting to do something for myself I am stuck. It did a lot of good to make car payments for the last 5 years just to have the car want to blow up now. with 5 payments left. In fact if it weren't for the money we have sank into it I would just tell the bank to take the damn car, but alas november it will be paid off and perhaps then we can fix it. but it doesn't do me a shred of good now.

As far as design goes, i am doing some freelance, and having some possible good things appear to be happening. I'm excited and scared all at once. All I can hope is that things will work out.

:: 2011 15 July :: 7.52am
:: Mood: anxious

So many things going on. I'm taking classes and super involved in a shit ton of stuff.

Good things:

-I got my first poem published in an online Canadian Zine this past week. I don't write poetry much, so it was kind of a "I'll submit just for the hell of it and see what happens." It's nice to know that at least one person likes at least one of my poems.

-I'm the newest contributor for a fledgling online commentary website. No pay, but it's definitely more legit than just my wordpress blog. I wouldn't mind spending a few years of my life writing political and social commentary as a job. It'd be kind of fun, I think, just so as long as I don't get my voice totally edited out. We'll see. Maybe something will come of this, maybe something won't. Just another thing to put on my resume at the very least.

So much more is going on, but these are the things of which I am very proud. Sometimes it's really overwhelming, but I know that opportunities like these are what are going to make the difference between getting a job and having a career I love.

:: 2011 9 June :: 7.44pm
:: Music: Eisley- Smarter

dreaming with a broken heart
sometimes i wonder if i am always going to feel empty inside. I wonder if too much honesty is a bad thing. I wonder if i will ever find my inner peace. its all wondering, constant searching and contemplating and i feel as though I am just parading around like one of those poor horses at the fair- wandering in this dismal circle of sadness for the rest of my life.
Is it because I have too much empathy, compassion, hope for mankind, hope for myself?
Sometimes I can feel things that aren't there and I wonder if it is some invisible being trying to comfort me... a stroke of a finger down my cheek-- an embrace that couldn't be possible-- nothing makes sense.

how do you fight to hold on to something that was only an illusion to start? how do you believe in yourself when all the confidence you ever had walked out so long ago that you can't be sure you ever had it?
I just wish I could find happy... but it's always been such a fleeting idea. I've spent so long having to hide myself to make everyone else happy that somedays I wake up and I don't even know who the person is that is looking back at me.

Then again...
maybe I just have to face the facts, I never did heal oh so long ago and perhaps ever since childhood I have just been destined to be damaged goods. world you truly are a cruel, hateful place. we were never meant to be with each other-- you with your malice and me with my heart on my sleeve. and though i try so very hard my poor heart just wants love that for all i know will never be there, after all it rarely had been up until now.
oh bollox. i might as well just give up.