I won't hold on to this

:: 2009 23 March :: 11.27am
:: Mood: anxious

C'est Lundi.

It's the middle-end half of the semester and I can't wait for summer to get here. I feel like this semester had way more work than any previous semester. I'm writing over 16 papers, having over 15 exams, and over 2000 pages of reading (one being an 800 page novel entitled "Middlemarch"). Add to that the fraternity and working twenty eight hours a week; it's been trying.

I have class in about a half an hour: political science. It's about foreign policy, which is alright, but not my favorite. I get to take the better classes next year.

I figured it out, I only have three more semesters left, so it'll be four and a half years in total. I think I'm going to do an internship, too, since I'll be finished in December and Grad school doesn't start until August. I was thinking about doing an internship in Lansing with a congressman and seeing where that takes me. Lansing is only a fifty mile drive from Mt. Pleasant, and a few day a week wouldn't be that bad. We'll see!

For now, things are going good. I'm able to eat again and that's making me gain weight back...not too much, though. I'm still much more little than I was. C'est la vie!

:: 2009 21 March :: 2.45am

If time heals all wounds, maybe I need a stronger dose. Fill that second-hand syringe and leave me comatose.

I know this is not what I chose, but what else do you propose?

2 believers | catch a glimpse

Alastar

:: 2009 15 March :: 12.50am

Pretentious and Trite Reasoning for a Tattoo

Everything is connected. Our actions have effects that we cannot conceive. We are gears in a machine, but we do not know how this machine is put together. If we did, or if we could look at the schematics, we could see every possible course that our energy output could take. We would see the end result, and we would know before we acted what the exact consequences would be. However, we don't have that capability. We may be able see this on a smaller scale, but we can never have the whole picture. Too many other gears are constantly interfering, ones of which we are completely unaware. Communication is key. If we could all work together coherently and efficiently, the possibilities would be endless. We are all parts in this machine and our actions decide the outcome and the product it generates. Synchronization. Collaboration.

The gear would be a symbol of the realization that my actions have effects on everything around me. It would serve as a reminder to question more thoroughly the things I do before I do them. It would keep me aware of a larger universe than just the one I inhabit in my mind.

My ideas are a result of the culture in which I was brought up. They are a product of all the information I've ever taken in. The gear is a symbol for the continuity of time. This is the reason for the twelve cogs, representing a clock. The past controls the present controls the future controls the limitless possibilities of time.

The endless circular motion represents the cycle that every atom on the planet is a part of. It is a realization of death as not the end, but as just another turn of the gear. Renewal.

The inner gear with ridges pointing inward symbolizes the fact that though I realize I am part of a larger entity, I cannot forget about my self. I cannot forgo completely my own goals, feelings, needs. I must weigh the two against each other and make my decisions.

3 believers | catch a glimpse

:: 2009 14 March :: 11.40am

An alter ego

They call me a mason, because I make you shit bricks
I'm known as an illness, cuz my rhymes are fucking sick
I am a magician, the way I make you turn tricks
I'm like a narcotic and you gotta get your fix

:: 2009 11 March :: 2.40am

Thanatopsis

My favorite poem. I want this read at my funeral.

Read more..

:: 2009 23 February :: 12.39am

Alliterated vomit

A collage of cartilaginous contusions
and what everyone usually just assumes is
painted, peeling black lacquered
barrels connecting bullets to the haggard

:: 2009 18 February :: 11.42am

So... I'm a lot less grumpy than I was this morning. I finally finished my paper on Structuralism, although it's not a full two pages. I think it'll be fine. Who cares how Torodov uses Saussures concepts in order to analyze narrative plot?!?! Gah.

So, I have to work tonight, still have a few more classes today. I have a french oral exam tomorrow, then I have Literary theory, band, meeting, then I get to sleep in on Friday morning. Woot!

I hope i get my grade back for my political science (foreign policy) exam. I'm not sure how I did.

I'm super busy and I've been grumpy to Rueben. Sorry, dear!

:: 2009 10 February :: 3.05pm

Rueben, I'm sitting up at a computer on the fourth floor of the library by the big windows because our phones don't work. Again.

Ahhh. I also forgot my literary theory book. See, I thought I was suppose to write a paper on this horrible forty page article about reader response theory and it turns out it's on the eleven page less scary one that I actually understood, except the only problem is that I didn't bring my book, so I can't do that paper. But, I did do my paper that is due on Friday for my Victorian Literature and Thought class, so I'm a little ahead, but still behind :(

It's super nice out today and I feel like I want to be outside but I'm stuck in here in the library because that's where Rueben knows I will be because our phones don't work because SOMEBODY didn't pay the bill. I guess we probably should have checked that out after what happened last time. Oh well. I think I'll go through and plan my future now. I'm not doing French anymore. Well, I am. I'm in French 102 this semester, but I'm NOT fulfilling my BA requirement and taking a whole nother year of it and killing myself. No siree. So, that means that I'm switching to a Bachelor of Science which won't be quite so bad and I really only have english class, political science classes and three science classes to take for it. Yippee.

AHH. I'm sick, too. bah. I'm feeling better since I wrote my paper and I know that it's fanfuckingtastic. I feel a little crazy right now. AHH. Woohudotcom. bah. Fifty more minutes until Rueben is done with his lab. Then I can go to the store, get my pills, buy some cookies, go home, write my other paper, maybe, go to uband, go to the concert, go home, go to bed, go to class, go to work, go home, go to bed......

:: 2008 30 December :: 4.32am
:: Music: Isaac Marion's Moon Colony

I spit sacrilege through gritted teeth.
I am disconnecting from... reality. From consciousness. From tangibility. From dimensional restraints.

Thread by thread, I am tearing each stitch. Finding solvent for the glue, I pry each nail from its hole. I exhume screws from their cylindrical tombs. I am plucking staples and cutting ropes. I will deracinate the roots that attach me to the ground and degauss the magnets that are holding me down.

I am burning to be released in smoke. My name is Phlogiston.

I am the view from within a raindrop. I am the collision it has with your skin.

:: 2008 24 December :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: content

I'm home with the parents right now. I've been home for a few days since my seniority at work actually got me valuable time off for once. I've leaving tomorrow afternoon, though, because I have to work at five thirty on the day after Christmas, although Meijer doesn't actually open until six.

I'm going to be alone for a few weeks since Rueben is staying down here to work and I have to go back to Mt. Pleasant to work. I've already planned on going on a baking frenzy to take up my time. I think I'm also going to start working out at the student activity center now that I'm feeling better.

And I am feeling better. I've been able to actually eat for about three weeks now. I've gained about ten pounds back, so I don't look so scary any more.

Grades are in, I got all B's and a B+ in my English class, and I'm okay with that. If I can pull all B's while almost dying, I think I did well.

I'm not looking forward to driving home tomorrow, but I think I'll be alright.

It was nice having a few days off, and I'll be ready when next semester starts in a few weeks.

:: 2008 6 December :: 2.30pm

I turn 21 tomorrow.

5 believers | catch a glimpse

:: 2008 17 November :: 12.01pm

I have a french exam in one hour that I am not prepared for.

I'm fairly sure I just failed a math exam two hours ago.

But I think I'm going to be okay, and that's all that really matters right now.

[edit] I think the French exam went all right and I've almost eaten an entire tray of sushi. Yippee.

:: 2008 10 November :: 2.58pm

I haven't updated in a while. I haven't had time. No. That's incorrect. I haven't had the motivation.

Something is wrong. I'm sleeping all of the time and always tired. It's not depression. I went to the doctor's and they told me I had a viral infection and anemia. A week later, it should be better, but I slept for over twelve hours last night and I've been laying down every chance I get.

I went home on Sunday for a family reunion and the only things people said to me is that I look like a poster child for anorexia and I look tired. I've lost almost eighty pounds. I'm trying to stay stable at 130.

Although my test came back negative for mono, I still think I probably have it. Why else would I be so tired all of the time? Everything is suffering because of it: my grades, my attitude, my dealings with my friends and brothers.

I just want to wake up and be okay.

:: 2008 26 October :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Manchester Orchestra

I will indulge in every whim and woman that I meet.