i am an awful person and really just want to die at times like these
I extremely upset and God! Just after I was feeling wonderful about John coming over and going shopping with him briefly tomorrow. My cat Tyler hasn't been seen for a couple of days so i got a little upset. then i had to take cricket on a walk and i saw jeze (also not seen for a while) i had john hold crickets leash and went to get Jeze. she scratched me all over and got away. So that made me sad.

So I can get over that all right... then i start talking to my sister... back story: i got off work last friday and went to pick up a $5 pizza, ran in came out, went to get gas ran in came out, then went home. When i got on my car in the morning my cds were gone, and i had them at the pizza place. So arg, because not all of them were my cds. some were unfortunatly and i-feel-horribly my sisters. so i am finding agood time to break it to her but no my mom tells her.
so i feel awful and all ready offer to replace whatever she finds missing. because even if they were stolen its still my responsibility. i always make sure i treat other people's things with great respect, because i would want someone to do the same thing for me. So we get on the subject of yet another cd i remember missing, and i tell her and i aso tell her that tyler has not been seen. and she gets mad because i tell her.

So i get in a sad guilty mood, where i really just want to die or live in a hole and not have any expensive things.

then she brings up how i lost vinces comic and i lied to him and i wanted to die then and i was so filled with this awful surge of exagerated emotions that i exploded. i just said, " i am hanging up" she protested, i went on " no i am hanging up, goodbye ashley". i say i exploded because that is one of my sister's biggest pet peeves. but really did she have to go and say that when i am extremely upset. i expect her to call back or text message. I'm optimistic so i thought it might be a 'sorry but you didn't have to do that' kind of thing, but no she writes " You know what? die" which sets me off in more erratic awful tears...

i just want to rewind to two weeks ago. i would protest and protest the new dog ubtil my parents submitted. then i would not stop for pizza or gas that friday. hmm maybe even a few months so that i would not borrow lost in translation from vince. that would solve all my current strifes.
no dog to scare cats
no opportunity for cd theft
no loss of comic

i just feel awful awful AWFUL

::still crying though i don't know how i can have any liquid left in me::

i am leaving tomorrow for that stupid youth leadership conference then to my cousin's for his graduation party. probably get back sunday sometime..


i guess that's all of my depressed sadness sorry 'bout it, just venting in a way s'pose...

night
Amanda

MEN BE WARNED! You're entering woman's territory
Jezebell is taking my new dog all wrong its sad, cricket gets all worked up because she gets all worked up ai. screw cycles.

I was thinking when i was walking my dog. about how i am getting to be a dog person and i'm thinking 'what the crap'. amanda a dog person? i don't like dogs, they drool, and smell. SO at first when i found out we were keeping her i was horrified and annoyed.
Yet here i am finding myself absolutely loving her.(::gasp:: what? not amanda!) yes i know its true... i love taking here on long walks and bringing her on adventures in my car and to the park. i like having a little cuddle buddy at night. She obeys everything I say. even as i speak... sitting here at my computer. She has lodged herself under the tables and she is laying on my feet, her head dividing them...(though my feet are starting to get a little hot.
I sit here thinking about dog people the ones who takle their dogs to parks and have them as best friends... hmm will i turn into one of them, have i all ready?
Tyler doesn't mind her, and chase has gotten better( at the beginning cricket was scared of chase)... but jeze i don't know... i cried the other day because i couldn't find her. i hadn't seen her for 3 days. but she came back and i was so happy. so i am showering her with attention.

my dog is pretty needy though... much to my dismay she reminds me of... me. I don't like it really. I demand social attention when i am in a group I hate it. I get lonely when i am at my house at night alone. and my parents get home late i get excited and ugh. she does the same thing when someone comes in the door. she jumps on you and whimpers and barks.

sidenote: i need a shower

I really feel bad, i think that everyone finds me annoying when i get around other people. its like i turn into this has to joke around and please everyone person. whatever. I feel like i'm not really like that no matter what i appear.

Yeah i joke around but its not what i am all about. well it is in a sense i guess. i like to find the hard things funny, to make a mockery of them. to say what no one else dares to say, because its taboo. wow that line sounded a little cheesy. like i really don't mind talking about how i'm on my period and hate the smell of my crotch during my period. i know everyone has it, but no one talks about it. honestly i would be in school and hope that no one could smell me, nasty no? but true. haha. and how no matter what anyone says, i feel like sweat smells good. it's when its mixed with certain favbrics and has aged that it tends to get a little more gross.

sidenote: i wore out my favorite pair of pants... and i need pants and shorts. and underware i want some cute ones though:

okay so ladis honestly, it always seems to me that when you find a nice comfortable cute pair of underware that you love, your period decides to ruin them. ARG! :) my new polka dotted ones ruined :( oh well i'll go buy some to replace it.

sidenote: I LOVE tracey

Kt will have fun in germany along with tracey and derick and anyone else i know and don't who is going.

------
back to dog. another similarity to me. what a stubborn bed hog! always laying on my blankets and not moving. she jumps up and lays right in the middle. i am sleeping between the wall and my bed! hmmphh

Exerpt from my livejournal: note to blank:
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don’t got a lot to say
But there’s something about her
And you don’t know why
But you’re dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
It’s possible she wants you, too
There is one way to ask her
It don’t take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl

Sing with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
My, oh, my
Look at the boy too shy
He ain’t gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Ain’t that sad
Ain’t it shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl

Now’s your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy, you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don’t say a word
And she won’t say a word
Until you kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Don’t stop now
Don’t try to hide it how
You wanna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Float along
Listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Music play
Do what the music say
You wanna kiss the girl

You’ve got to kiss the girl
Why don’t you kiss the girl
You gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl

:When your love has ceased to be there's no other place for me:
I had a crummy day at work. A little too crummy emotionally, with little to egg it on. I think that means miss blood is about to come for a visit.
I really like the Detroit Cobras.
I was feeling depressed after work, so I got chocolate. I still have a tinging headache. Yay ACTs tomorrow. Funny, I think I should care more than I do. Yet its not all that important to me to do well on a test of academics. No matter how much I try in school. I really don't care that much. I like to learn that's why I do well. But in the long run, I'd rather be a good, kind person than a smart one. Here's where most respond "you can be both". But its hard to be nice when stressed and its hard to do good when you work so hard that you don't have time to volunteer. I don't know.

I miss my sister, and i might start crying while writing this... but that's what being a woman is all about sometimes: emotional nonsense.

I love being a woman. I love it! haha I always want to be seductive and flirty. But I compose myself because I feel like it would make some people uncomfortable so I don't.

I am really goofy and social I know... sometimes I hate it. I think I just seek attention like a dumb ass. "hear my heart beat, hear my heart beat. I hear your heart be. Hear two hearts beat baby yeah yeah yeah"-the detroit cobras

Funny how little thoughts and actions make me happier than big things. For example: I hate birthday presents... I really do. They are almost forced. I would rather someone do something nice for me when I am sad or stressed than on my birthday. So... my main message here was to explain what i was about to say... I love all my freckle moles things on my arms and body... kind of weird i know. But I think they are fun! so :P

You know I don't want to be looking for a boyfriend. That started bothering me. I want to just be friends with someone and poof hey it might be fun to go out. I don't know I guess this is my short explanation on why i typed out the lyrics to silver&gold. When i am depressed or stressed or just lonely, are the times i want someone. someone that knows me and just gets my mind off things. it makes sense" i just want, want your love when i get like this"

I get to go to my cousins' graduation party. Troy and Tristen spierling ^_^. I'm excited, I don't see them too much. Tristen is really awesome, he'll probably go into politics. He's a great guy so if he ever is in the elections vote fo Tristen Spierling! ;) hehe

well i should sleep before the ACTs i don't even know where east grand rapids highschool is. ugh

love you all
manda

SIlver & Gold (rock&roll blues)
(raspy female singer, powerful, emotional)I don't want silver. I don't want gold. I just want you darlin' to have and to hold. I just want, want your love when I get like this. Oh tell me what did you do to me. Oh tell me, tell me why. I can't get you outta my heart even if I try. I just want, want your love when I get like this.
(background guys):oh how in love she seems to be, same thing could happen to you or me:
(her) Do you know? do you know? do you know? Do you know? Do you know how it feels to be like this?