:: 2004 8 May :: 11.32 am

I'm staying in CT permanently.
Got an apartment in New Haven, and a job at Sam Ash.
Live is slowly working it's way towards awesome.
I love you all, come visit.

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:: 2004 4 April :: 4.27 pm

Trapped.
*whispers* Is anybody out there?

I suppose not.

There's been a lot on my mind lately.

1. I think I'm a fraud. I'm not who anyone thinks I am, and I don't even think I know who I am and who I've been. I'm many different people, encompassed in this one stupid entity. It's all a facade, I guess. I have this sort of collection of masks, a different one for a different situation. Someone told my roommates that I can be a shy person and they didn't believe it.

2. I'm jaded. I'm JADED AND I FEEL RIPPED OFF. I'm jaded, I feel ripped off, and I'm a stupid conformist. And it's not so much that I conform out of fear, it's that I don't really know any other option. Ok, I'm scared.

3. Feelings, emotions, concepts. a) I don't think love is real. It's a concept that's nice to think about, but I don't think it's real. I want to though, oh I wish I could. b) Fear is probably the most real of any emotion. Fear motivates. You do things out of fear of another, unsuitable situation occurring. c) Pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. My pain tolerance (along with my alcohol tolerance) has gone up significantly is recent times. d) Everything's so much easier when you have nowhere to call home.

4. The future isn't so vague anymore. For the first time I have a plan, I have plans that stretch further than next week. I know pretty much where I'm going, how I'm getting there, and who I'm taking along for the ride.

5. Poetry. It angers me right now, because it's doing a horrible job of expressing how I feel. The words I want either don't exists or have escaped from my realm of knowledge.

6. Music is the most powerful art form. I'm slowly shifting from expression in words to expression in song. I don't write love songs because I can't write love poetry. I'm working on an instrumental piece for acoustic guitar and string section, none of it's written down though, it's all in my head.


There's so much more I have to say, I just can't say any of it. I feel incomplete, and if I could just figure out what's wrong SOMETHING'S WRONG CAN'T YOU HELP ME I'll feel whole.

<>

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:: 2004 10 February :: 1.38 pm

A confession... because I need to do it.
(I express myself better in written word than in spoken.) This entire schpiel is completely and utterly random and the thoughts are not meant to flow together in any way, so I apologize for that.

The past 17 years, I've felt like my life's just been a giant movie. Or a dream. I question reality, and I think a lot differently than other people do. It annoys, sometimes even saddens, me that I can't relate to a lot of people's philosophies or theories or beliefs. I lie a lot too. I like getting attention. I like having people believe I'm someone that I'm not. That's why I exaggerate a lot of things too. To everyone that I've ever spoken more than 5 words to: don't believe everything I say, especially if I'm telling a story, it was all just a ruse to get people to like me or think I'm someone I'm not. For this I apologize.

But now for the truth... what I know, what I believe, what I want, what I need, etc. Truth, blunt truth, and nothing more. Nothing less, either.
I know that this college (UNH) is where I'm supposed to be, and music is the path I'm meant to be on, it's the lifeblood that keeps me going and sane. I've written so many songs that I'm afraid to let my family hear because they're opinions are really the only ones I care about.

Being here at UNH, I've never been happier. I know that I'm human, that I make mistakes. I know I've done things I shouldn't, but that's all part of the living process. Trying new things is part of growing up, and I've been forced to do that way before my due time. But I deal with it, and I'm still alive. I'm still sane. I'm not suicidal, I'm not a junkie, I don't live on the streets, I'm not a drunk, I'm not a prostitute, I'm not an idiot. All my life I've never wanted anybody's help. I still don't.

I love my family. I have trouble showing this sometimes, usually because I'm afraid of how I may appear or the repercusions that may ensue. And, everyone in my family already has this preassumed belief that I'm the unloving nonemotional black sheep. Maybe I am, maybe I'm just going along with what everyone thinks because it'll take too much effort to change it. Also, I don't share a lot of the same ideals and beliefs, and because they are usually so adamant about these ideals/beliefs, it hurts me to not at least pretend to follow. I want to make them happy. I'm the exactly the person they want me to be, I am myself and no one will ever change that, but I also want them to be happy for me. I'm not going to be a rich successful lawyer or a doctor or something... I'm going to be a recording engineer / part-time performing musician. And that's what'll make me happy. In keeping myself happy, I'm hoping that my family will be equally as happy.

I never liked FL. I love my family, but they seem to think that just because I never liked FL means that I don't care about them. I'm more comfortable in the north, and they need to understand. Moving from NJ right before 7th grade had such an impact on me that my parents don't seem to understand. They don't get that throughout middle school and high school I never really had any good close best friends, with the exception of a selected few. I was ignored, ridiculed, mentally tortured. When you're 12 years old and going through all of this, of course it'll be engrained on your mind: "I want to get out of here." In coming up to CT, I had the opportunity to start anew, where nobody knew my name. And I've made some of the best friends ever here. I still love my friends and family in NJ, and I still love my friends and family in FL. I had fun times during my 6 years in FL, but that's done and over with, it's time for a new chapter in life.

As far as what I believe: I believe in God. I believe that there's something to look forward to after death. I don't believe in abortion or cloning. I don't like tarot cards or horoscopes or astrology. Yes, I'll look at my daily horoscope every once in a while, but this is always for laughs. I believe that religion should be between me and Christ, no one else. I will believe whatever I want, and others can believe what they want, it's their choice. God gave the human race free will, and we should take advantage of it. I don't like mission trips or evangelizing because of this. I think church day camps are a nice idea, but those kids are going to make their own decisions when they're older anyways. If somebody has a question inquiring about what I believe or what my religion's about, then I'll answer those questions gladly with no bias whatsoever. But I won't go up to random people with a "You need Jesus" speech. I can't bring myself to do that.

I listen to music with curse words. I'm not one of those people who says "fuck" after every other word, but in everyday conversation the occasional "oh shit" comes up. I have control over my own linguistics, and that's how it'll stay. I know what not to say in front of people, and I try to mind my manners.

So, who am I? I'm Lana, I'm 17. I go to UNH and I love life. I love music more than any other activity in the world. I am a Christian, and I don't care what anybody says. I have a family that I love and adore, but that I don't always agree with, and I hope they can understand that. I also have friends that I care about deeply.

I don't know what else anybody really need to know. My mind's a labyrinth, and I've always been lost within it.

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