I try but can't succeed
"On My Own"

see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know

and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

On My Own

Need i say more? yes i think there is a need. Pain. Misery. Suffering. These emotions are all i feel anymore. They envelop me to the point of suffocation. They fill every part of me. Every aspect of my life. Taking over. Making the few good thigs in my life, seem like pointless, trivial pursuits (no pun intended) and are only there to waste my time. I get no release. No freedom from these feelings. I am now free of her. The one person that might lift me up. I had to let her go. Not that i had much choice in the matter. She managed to get away not by my lack of loving her. but her lack of wanting me to. She is no longer a part of me. She can't touch me. Yet she does. I haven't talked to her in many weeks. It feels like years. Each second lasting hours. And the pain never ceases. It's always there. Like it was a permanent part of me. Funny thing is, at this point in my life, it does seem permanent. I'm not sure it will ever go away. I guess the only thing i can be happy about right now is the fact that i dont give in. I'm still here. Alive and well. More or less. But this is little concelation to me. It means very little. I feel like these emotions grow stronger. They gain ground each day. And i am powerless to stop their relentless assault on my soul. I push back but it does nothing. It's like pushing against a brick wall with a pack of elephants pushing on the other side. Your always retreating. Yet somehow i always come back for another round of punishment. And most of the time i let it roll of me. Like Nick. I'm not going to tryt and spell his last name. I dont know how to. I couldn't care less, though. The little fucker can spend eternity burning in hell and being tortured until all he knows is pain. Maybe then someone will inderstnd how i feel. Well anyway, this "kid" feels the need to prove he's cool by calling me a faggot on the bus. The point of this was to prove that i couldnt hear him im guessing. Since i always sit down, turn my rock music on high and stare out the window. Noone else laughed. But i heard him. I gave him a look and did nothing else. I turned back to the window and didnt look at him again. He doesnt deserve my attention. But like i said, I dont care about things like this. They dont seem to bother me that much. It's when i get home and i realize the she isnt with me that the pain of it all returns. everything that i feel stems from my feelings for her. Everytime i smile it's becuase i think that my chances of being with ehr have groown. And every time i'm miserable, it's becuase i know that i'll never have her. I'm not sure any of my "friends" understand. They dont know love. They havent even scratched the surface of true love. So they are no help to me. My sister, as much as she tries, cant help me. And my parents have no true grasp of whats going on in my life, so they can't help. I'm on my own. And i think thta's the way it has pretty much always been. But i will find a way. I always do. She has no power and no control. Correction: i am taking her power away. will leave you now so i can wallow in my pain and self-pity.
~BOYER

The news I have waited for but never wanted to hear
Well my day was going ok i guess. We had to do the morning announcements for the second day in a row. 5th period didnt have enough people to do the announcements. So we got the job. Well they look like shit, but w/e. i get home looking for an excuse not to go to karate. Little did i know that i would be getting it so quickly. I was talking to jess about possibly going to Hillsborough this weekend, i figured i should tell her the real reason why i was going. It was kinda hard to tell her not to talk to lauren about it but make sure she's there. So i told her. Then she tells me that Luaren has a boyfriend. I figured she would by now. I only hope that kid is good to her. I think his name is Kenny. From the little i heard from jess, he sounds like a good kid. Which is good, i guess. But this is good news for me, too. As soon as i heard that she was with someone, i immediately felt this weight that was on me lift. Though i do wish that i was kenny right now, i dont feel as though im in love. I'm not saying im not. Well im not really sure what im saying. Love is such a tricky thing. I know that i will always love lauren. Even after im over her. It's m belief that since love is such a strong emotion, it can never fade. it will always be there. But as time passses it's buried deeper and deeper below all the other emotions we will feel later in life, including, love for someone else. But love is too strong to fade away completely. Unkess it is replaced by hatred. Which is an emotion just as strong as love, only it's the exact opposite. But i dont hate lauren. And i'm pretty sure i never will. So Lauren good luck with guys in the future. i'm officially letting go of you. Not that it stopped you before. It's more of a sentimental thing for me. O and kenny, good luck. You'll definately need it.
~BOYER

The Vacation From Hell!!!
Well this vacation was quite posibly the most boring 5 days of my life!! And I have been on a lot of vacations. Well the hotel was too expensive, falling apart (literally, i ripped the handle off the door accidentally), the food was horrible, and the service was shitty. They thought we had checked out before we actually had. A giant table was delivereed to our room whil we were still packing. And then our room keys didnt work becuase the computer said we had checked out. We hadn't. And then we finally went to see my sister. but i didnt get to stay overnight at her dorm like we both had wanted. For some reason, it just didnt work out the way we had planned. And then my dad made breakfast becuase she asked nicely. Yeah i could never get that. She has powers over him. But anyway i got to see her. even though we didnt get to hang out, which really put a damper on the whole trip that already sucked. I really needed to hang out with her. We always have fun and i needed that. But all is well becuase i got to school today and everything just felt fine. Though ive decided the only way im going to get over lauren is if i get the closure i never got by going to see her face to face and telling her that we both want this done and over with. It's the only way to get over her. Plus i want to get her ring off my finger. Another thing that i need to do to get over her. And i promise myself that i will conquer my emotions and let her go. But at this time it seems like i cant do it w/o first getting this face-to-face closure. So world i will soon be free!! nite
~BOYER

The only school day this week
Well due to my ilness and my vacation (which starts tonight), i only had to go into school today this week. O and did i pick the best week to be out or what? I have my Algebra teacher out for 2 days. She tells me that she doesnt want to bother with the work and tells me that she wont count it. And we have a review for the test tomorrow and the test on friday. So no hw there. In the rest of my classes, the teachers have been doing pretty much nutin. I'm not sure why, but all the work i have to make up is in Spanish. It's crazy.
Well i got my progress report. None of you have to cry, I got all A's. Go me!!! Well I have to get back to my chores and packing. So i'll write y'all on monday.
~BOYER

Feeling better
Bleaahh. I was throwing up yesterday. Starting Sunday night actually. I was throwing up like if kept throwing up, i might win something. Not really. i heard that on Dave Attell's Stand-up. He's so funny. In fact, i'd like to conider myself a comedy central stand up buff. Every Friday night i have no life beyond Channel 75. Go friday night stad up!!
Well, like i said i had a really bad stomach virus. Well I'm feeling better. Though i was never constipated. I just think the word is funny. Constipated. Say it with me...CONSTIPATED. See now ur laughing. Well i have to go for a reason i haven't thought of yet. 2 more days and i'll see my sis!!!. Luv Ya Al (Alyson).
~BOYER

Dont Stop Believing/I gotta get some medicine in me fast
Well today i found my dad's Journey album. It's amazing. i've always liked Journey, but this is great stuff. I'm going to listen to it all night long now. I stayed home today. Last night i started throwing up really bad. I threw up about 4 times. Then another 5 or so this morning. But i haven't thrown up since 8 this morning. I think i'm gettting better. But ouch my head hurts. I went to the doctors today. She says i have a fever and a real bad stomach virus. That wan't fun. but i'm leaving on Thursday for Charleston. But i think my dad might be coming down with it. he isn't happy about getting sick so close to vacation. Well i have a box of crackers with my name on it. Nite yall.
~BOYER

Old Country Buffet/ Chea Pet
O my day started out better than most. I went to OCB with mi pardres (my parents for any of you stupid people). They have the most amazing breakfast, in the world. Well considering it's a local restaraunt. It's this huge room full of, serve yourself, style buffet lines. it's amazing. They have just about anything you could want. And some stuff i havent even heard of. It's good stuff. Anyway, it was for making student of the month. I love going there, and dont get to that much. So my parents treated me. A great way to start any morning. But the rest of the day was spent working or being lazy while other people work.
After OCB i went to get my hair cut. I needed it badly. My hair shoots out of my head like a chea pet on coke. its pretty bad. So this time i got my hair colored. Which due to it's cost, i had to do every other time i get a hair cut. but the lady kept messing up. They usually write cards or something to show the next person how they colored each person's hair. Well i didnt have one. So she had to wing it. I felt bad for her. She changed my hair about 5 times before i finally said leave it aone. Not in a mean way. I just told her it was fine. I ended up giving her a 5 dollar tip, since she tried so hard. I usually only give about a 2 or 3 dollar tip. So now my hair is almost white and i have to go to school tommorrow looking like an idiot. AAAHHHH!!!!! Not cool.
Well in respone to my dad's atempts to get me to stop putting my name on my journal's becuase he thinks i'll get in trouble, i plan to continue to put my name on my journal. how is knowing generally where i live, and my last name, going to help a "predator" get me? I'm a fucking second degree Black Belt! I can handle myself. Anyway I gtg. Boredom settles in and i have nutin to relieve it. ttyl
~B-O-Y-E-R!!!!!!!

Booyeah!!!!!
Well today i went to see my guidance counselor. That guy kinda scares me. Bu when went in there i asked him a few things about my grades and i had to ask him about working papers, but thats besides the point. Well, first i have to update. About 2 weeks ago, i was told by my English teacher that she was going to niminate me for srudent of the month for September, due to my constant good grades, my participation, and some other things that i can't remember right now. This, which i did not know at the time, is a very big deal. I can put that on a college application, and lots of other cool things. Just being nominated is great, but today in the mail i found out that i got it. I was student of the month. There is a student for each major subject. So i will be up on stage, with about 5 other kids. OUT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!!!! I was so excited. And i get a certificate. My parents will be at the breakfast where i will be honored. It wont be in front of the whole school, but it's a big deal. Well i dont think its in front of the whole school. I'm not really sure who will be there. But, it's a big deal. In addition, i am now getting straight A's in all my classes. Which is great. I know it is. Well there is my great news for the day. I must be off. Write yall later
~BOYER

My Head Hurts.
OUCHOLA!!!!!! BRAINFREEZE!!!!!!! Oh the pain. today was boring. not in thje typing mood. write more when i have more. ttyl
~BOYER

Yet another trip into......Shithole USA
Well this morning i missed the bus. But it meant i got a breakfast instead. YAY!!!! then i get to school just as the bell is ringing. My really nice (really young and hot) homeroom teacher let me in. Then i got through the boring day and got to 4th period. We were talking about Maro Polo's trip to Asia again. He brought back silk. Mitchell asks whos wearing silk. Well my "greatest" friend in the class, Paris, raises her hand and says her bra is made of silk. Wow thanks Paris. I wanted to know that. If that isnt slutty im not sure what is. Since my day was otherwise uneventful, i'm going to go to bed. nite
~BOYER