been a while...
yeah i no

its been forever.


been 18 days since he ended our friendship.

i dunno what to do with myself. every 5 mins im crying.
taking pills, getting drunk or stoned. whatever to dull the pain.

i think i love him.

that might be the problem.
except i dont know whether its love or obsession. or something else

my last entry was about him too. i dunno.

he didnt go to my birthday. or hang out with me at all during the summer. i didnt leave. i didnt do anything except make the emotional pain he was causing me visible. summer pretty much sucked. it had its good points. warped tour. gamble. not being such an uber virgin nemore. lots of drugs sex and rock and roll. sleeping on katie beemonamon's porch. gamble puking. me getting alc. posoning for the first time. ozzfest. more drinking. more being pissed at bobby. more everything. more im not a good person. less cutting. dont think thats good tho. got my licence in march or w.e.

yeah. wow.

my fingers are cold.

i dont know why this hurts so much.
like..i cant believe it. he came into my work with some stupid whore. left while she bought w.e. then she left. and i flipped out and had to be relieved of my duties at main cash regester. they had to shut down the photo lab early. then two days ago..he fucking drove past me n waved to me. he went past his house...up the hill..n drove past fucking me and waved. seriously. wtf did i do to deserve feeling like this. god

its not that i want to die
its that i dont wanna live

i hate kim and jaycee.
they r just so dumb compared to him. and josh lost jess n still hasnt let go. not that i blame him.
jess is like...fucking retarded to. i dont know wtf is up with her. n fucking danielle
wow whatever.
"ive been wicked anti social lately"
yeah wtf get over urself im trying to be ur friend n ur like ILL WAVE THAT WILL MAKE UP FOR EVERYTHING

wow its like waving is the new screw yourself.
wheres brian
hes like the only brainless smart person around. even gamble pissed me off.

dunno what to do about kim n jaycee
if i stop hanging out with them i wont have nething to do.
even less people to talk to
i think im just using them neways.
im such a loner.
not that im proud im just thjinking out loud.
wow its like i really am alone.
and i dont want some stupid comment from a random stranger YOU CAN TALK TO ME LALAL
i dont wanna talk to u
i appreciate it
i really do.
but ur not real. ur just words on a screen you cant make everything better.
everything=anything

i like...wanna go to bed. its 8:54

gurney. hes not a shit head. he knows whats going on n even tho hes not all like AWW IM SO SRY >< its good.
hes a good friend. i wish he didnt graduate yet. i woulda like... i dunno. been better friends with him. hes got a girlfriend. i think im jelous.
i wanna be in the photo room right now...making prints n such. only place i like.

i wonder if hell talk to me again
i dunno
maybe in like...a month.
i wonder if ill make it. if ill get over him by then.
i dont know. im so confused about my feelings for him.
maybe thats why i cant get over it.

im gonna go read my past entries.

ill probably update again.