so

ive been sick since last saturday

its not fun

yeah

Rob-
i will never give this to you but thats ok. i dont care (but i do)
Its weird, i tryed so hard not to screw us up. which is "funny" because i did. I think we "went out" for 16 days. I know it was a littel more than 2 weeks, but i cant remember the excate date. I feel like its stupid that im this torn up over you. seeing as i didnt realy get to know you that well. but yeah. im not really a trusting person which is annoying becuase its all i want. i dont care about anything else in the world beside finding someone for me. i dont care that im in highschool or immature or that i have the rest f my life to find someone. i dont care. everyday i wake up and feel empty it kills me to know that i am so alone. and its stupid because i think that i didnt call you because i was too afraid that youd go away. and be like everyone else that i have ever known. there are two things that always bounce around my head.
1 that you told me that you like everthing about me/you would -dont know the excate words- if anything happened to me or something. that makes me wanna kill.cut.drug myself because if you were really honest about that which i think you were, the fact that i had that and lost it just kills me.
2 the other aspect of my life is that im never really happy. ever. i may just be hyper or something but i hate myself the day iw as over your house, just you and me is the only time in my life that i was truly happy. just sitting there with you, touching your face, back, not doing anything but everything at the same time i think i would give up anything to just go back to that moment. i would. i'd do anything. i wish i could give this to you. but i doubt i will. i suck like that. i miss talking to you on the phone when it was really late, and the reason i never really said anything was because i liked listening to you too much. i know thats really lame reason but its true. i just liked hearing you talk to me. i liked knowning you opinions and how you felt.
oh well, i screwed up. i couldnt let myself trust you. i couldnt admit that im not a shitty person and someone actually liked me. i still cant, gone my whole life not being liked or loved my whole life. i hate it. so much. you have no idea.. yeah. hard to break that way of thinking.
there is about 80million other things id like to write but i think you get the idea.
-Alison