Looking for you just to shine some light one my day..
I haven't updated in a while. Any of my journals at that. Over this weekend I've been doing nothing but updating my journals. Weather it's posting, or fixing it up and making it pretty. <3

Anyways. This is my "get-away-from-it-all" journal. Meaning? None of my friends online or off know about this journal, as far as I know. Though they could easily find it, but none of them read my journals so I have no worries. But this journal is just full of people I don't really talk to, I love you guys though. <3

But now it's time to get a ton off my shoulders.. I'm heading down that road to an emotional break down. And if I get some stuff off my chest it may not be as bad.

This whole week has been nothing but drama and depression. And everything, I mean everything has been irking me really bad. Monday my friend Di got out of a coma, which was good, but that fact he was in a coma left me sobbing for an hour. He went into it Monday and luckly snapped out of it the same day. That was the mere start.

Three of my friends are all in it together to kill themselves, and it's driving meup a wall. Ebony decided she would try to OD Tuesday night, and came to school really fucked up because of some percription pills. 18 pills. That same day Ale had pills at school deciding what to do with them, and my friend Latherin stole them for her and took them. The next day Ale came to school all fucked up. When I figured it out, I was finally fed up and smacked her upside the head and just walked away. Idiots.

I'm so used to having my mom all to my self. She's my mom, ya know? But it's a lot like that saying, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone." No, she'd not gone. But I never took advantage of spending time with her, and I should have. Her ex-boyfriend, Tony, moved back to town from Texas. Don't get me wrong, I love him, he's always been a fatherly model to me, but that was when I was really little. I'm not used to having a male getting all ym mom's attention. But now he's back and she's been out with him every night since Thursday since he only came back on Wensday. I don't know how long it will last, but yes, I'm having a jealousy issue here, especially since I haven't been invited to go with her like I would normally have been. Appearently they are talking about dating again. And it irks me. I don't know why.. But it does. And it really freaked me out today when she threw that "What would you do if we got married" question at me... -sighs-

And then I'm having issues with Chrysty-baby and Amanda. Again, don't get me wrong. I love them both, they are my two favortie people in the world. But I'm such a possessive girl. I've always known I was possessive and spoild and greedy, but it's really starting to show lately. But like I said, they are my two favorite people. And now they are getting all friendly together. It's kinda a teritorial issue, ya know? Chrysty was my friend, and Amanda was my friend. And now they are friends. I knew this would happened which is why I didn't want to introduce them. but at the same time I wanted them to know eachother. But I feel like Amanda's taking my spot with Chrys, though I know she's not, I feel like she's my competition now! I always felt special being Chrysty's "Krad", but now she has me.. and Amanda. So she is always talking about how she loves her "Krad's".. And I don't why but it really irks me. That and the fact Amanda is using my nickname for Chrysty.. I've always called her Chrysty-baby. And since Amanda's been talking to her she calls her it too. May be just because we think alike. But still! IT IRKS ME~! And I feel bad fr getting bothered by that. But ya know. I can't help it. Also, Amanda joined a role-play me and Chrysty are on.. But again I wanted her to join yet I didn't at the same time. It was mine and Chrysty's thing, you know? But oh well, I know I'll have fun with Amanda.

u_u Told you everything's been irking me lately. I've been in a deep depression since Thrusday. But it will pass. I hate building stuff up to the point I can't even pretend I'm happy. My friends are so used to my smiling, laughing, and being stupid. But it's all an act I won't be able to keep up anymore, not until I break down. I need a good cry... A long, hard session of nothing but sobbing and crying, and letting everything go. I'm just sitting here, waiting for it to happen.

This complaint session could easily go on and on.. But it's bed time, it's 11:54, and I need sleep. I have to get up at 5:00 AM. Sleep sounds good right about now. I've gotten enough off my chest to satisfy me for a little while.

Good night to whoever may read this. Though doubtfully anyone will since I'm worthless and no one really notices worthless people and worthless journals.

-Alyssa ~ Slave to the Dark

4 tears | weep for me