:: 2007 16 September :: 7.42 pm

So I know no one reads this anymore. But I feel like I should record that I am currently happy. Things have worked out. I have an awesome group of friends and I am doing cool things and I feel loved and I think my anxiety is pretty manageable. There's so much angst in this journal that I feel like I should end it in some sort of happy way.

So, anyway, I think I'm done with this journal now.

1 observation | reflect

:: 2007 10 May :: 11.01 pm

Goals for next semester
-hang out more with the people I like (particularly Willa, Margaret, and Mike)
-tell the people I like more...I have an increasingly difficult sharing personal details about myself
-see a counselor at college for anxiety. There are currently three people telling me I should go into therapy, and it's definitely a personal choice, but if I can ever not freak out about the health center, I will. I'm not positive I need it, though. I'm so much better than I used to be. But I'm definitely startled way, way too easily, and I need to stop that.
-get more active on campus. I'm BGLAD vice president, so that should be easy.
-stress out less (see the bit about anxiety above)
-go on more walks
-keep my room cleaner
-keep in touch with people better
-go on a date? That would be nice.

There's more that should be on this list, but I'm too lazy to figure out exactly what that more should be.

reflect

:: 2007 28 April :: 1.58 am

Every once in a while, I get ambitious.

I want to be a great poet, or at least a good one. I want to be influential in politics. I want to research and write and do good work for something I believe in. I want to be happy. I want to work past how shy and awkward and anxious I sometimes am (and I'm totally working on it, going to Mexico's going to be a huge step). I want to be comfortable being beautiful, because I am, really, but I consciously hide it sometimes.

I totally have this naive dream of changing the world, and, for some reason, I'm currently feeling optimistic. I have a lot of good qualities going for me. What I have an issue with is actually showing people what I'm capable with. Clare had no clue until recently that I can actually talk in front of groups, and even my parents seemed a little taken aback that I applied to (and got into) Mexico.

And it bothers me, sometimes, that even my best friends seem to shortchange me sometimes. But I know that it's my own fault, because I'm constantly downplaying my own skills and letting other people take over even when I have something to say. So I'm making a sort of midyear resolution to stop that. Because I'm sorta sick of always being in the background and not being influential enough to help anyone.

reflect

:: 2007 14 April :: 9.38 pm

I am confused. I'm so confused, I'm not even sure what I'm confused about. Hopefully, everything will work out okay without anyone being hurt.

reflect

:: 2007 3 March :: 3.04 pm

I feel like I am currently acting as an emotional band aid for someone I barely know. I want to help, but at the same time, I only have so much emotional energy to share, and I don't think I'm being helpful. And at the same time I'm thinking, why me? What is it about me that this guy is asking me for help? I'm pretty sure it's not that he's interested in me (well, not beyond friendship), and last time I checked I wasn't some super empath who could instantly make people feel better (which I'm definitely not doing for him). I haven't been able to do anything besides give him easter candy and a stuffed elephant to hug, and I left early last night when he probably could have used my help (instead, I decided that Willa was more important). So, confusion. I am going to listen to the random punk music Jennie downloaded on my laptop and clean my room.

reflect

:: 2007 16 February :: 2.07 pm

I woke up this morning feeling beautifully happy and at peace with everything. Part of that is probably due to Gilly coming by about 3 minutes before I was planning on going to bed to ask me to go sledding, so I went sledding with her and her suitemate and this guy they're friends with for awhile, and it was awesome. I got back to the room at about 2am.

And somehow, while I slept, my subconscious put everything into perspective for me. I might not have a ton of close friends at Goucher, and I might spend a bunch of time just kinda hanging out by myself, but I'm not friendless. In fact, I have a good number of awesome friends (Rita, Katie, Allison, Jennie...etc), they're just spread out. And for all that she bothers me sometimes, having Willa as a friend is pretty cool (particularly considering that she doesn't seem to make friends lightly), and Clare is awesomeness personified, and I've been spending a lot more time with Melissa lately, and I've also been hanging out with Julie and Gilly. So even though I wish I was hanging out with certain people more, and it hurts that they don't seem to want to, it's okay.

I think my mood swings are probably just hormonal (stupid period). And I do need to be careful and watch myself. But it was nice to wake up this morning in such a good mood.

reflect

:: 2007 15 February :: 10.15 pm

Things suck. I suck. I don't know, but I keep wanting to cry, and I get jealous when I see other people hanging out with each other or saying things like "we need to get together sometime soon; I miss you" because I'm not hanging out with other people and it's because they don't want to and I'm too timid to press the point especially when I think I'm going to be rejected.

And I talked to Allison last night for awhile, and she told me that while therapy may or may not be a good idea, going at Goucher isn't. They kicked someone out of Sondheim last year for mental issues and said she had to live off campus, and Allison thinks that for something to be effective there shouldn't be a constant warning of being kicked out of the dorms or Goucher altogether (which they have done). So that's out, I suppose, because part of what I want to talk about are self-destructive and suicidal thoughts (not that I act on them, but I don't want to worry about someone misunderstanding).

And I sorta want to talk to Clare, but while she's awesome she's not the kind of friend I can talk to about this sort of thing. She's noticed my mood, and given me hugs over the past week, but that's it.

I shouldn't be this unhappy. I really shouldn't, and I shouldn't be worrying anyone about it, particularly Clare because I can't even give her details. And all the people I talk to are far away, and I shouldn't be worrying them either (sorry Katie) because there's nothing wrong except that I feel like crap and suck at socializing and making/keeping friends.

reflect

:: 2007 14 February :: 12.04 am

I don't know what to think. Highschoolers are offlimits, I made that a rule. And long-distance relationships are to be avoided. Plus, I shouldn't be dating someone who isn't really out (as far as I know, at least). And there's so much I don't know about her.

But I really want to know how she feels about me, and I'm getting all these little hints that I could be misinterpreting. I'm analyzing and re-analyzing the stupidest things. It might be easier if I wasn't so far away, or maybe it would make things harder. Even if there was mutual feeling, it could never work. I should ignore this. I have learned my lesson. Highschoolers are bad to date. But I keep thinking about her, and I feel weird about it.

Am I always going to have inappropriate crushes? Thank goodness my crush on Janelle finally curled up and died, because this one is stupid enough.

reflect

:: 2007 27 January :: 3.28 pm

So, I packed just about all of my clothing. I'll get the other stuff (books laptop printer vacuum toiletries food etc) together later. I'm just waiting to go to the mall now.

I'm meeting Michelle and Rita at six (Arielle is sick). Rita and I both know I invited her mostly so I wouldn't have to be around Michelle by myself. I need to stay away from high schoolers. Tried it once, didn't exactly work out beautifully.

But part of me just really wants to know if she likes me back and all...and she is super mature...no no no. At least at Goucher the girl I have a crush on is only two months younger than me, even if I think she might dislike me as a human being.

reflect

:: 2007 21 January :: 11.11 pm

rambling that I will probably delete later
Sometimes I really regret not having a decent grouping of friends in high school. I did have a group of people I ate lunch with. I was the only one with a decent family life and didn't have a lot to say while everyone else swapped stories of parental abuse. One of the people I ate with outed me cruelly to the rest of the group; she and I were instantly Not Friends anymore. Another left suddenly (stupid parents and religion). Another faded out of my life because she didn't trust me. Another I wasn't really all that close to, another and I just stopped really being friends, and the last one I'm quickly losing touch with.

I accept that my social skills sucked in high school. People had already made their minds up about me, so I didn't even try, even for people who might have liked me given a chance. I wasn't very likable, I suppose, unless you got to know me, and I wasn't easy to know. I had a couple friends, but I didn't get very close to most of them. I still don't really get close to people, not really. One of my best friends cruelly outed me to a group of people my junior year. Another lied constantly to me without even realizing that I knew she lied.

It's easier to accept that you're unlikable than try to make friends, particularly when you're hurt. I have had a bad track record. It seems like people always leave me, or betray my trust, or just decide I'm not worth time. It's probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And I'm still stuck in it. If I'm smart, I'll go see someone at Goucher for social anxiety. I need to get close to people, and I suck at it. Allison told me that I'm standoffish. I know I am, I just don't know how to stop standing off to the side and actually get into friendships (I always just fall into them).

reflect

:: 2007 14 January :: 9.55 pm

Okay, I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm just exchanging facebook messages with someone about getting together sometime in the next two weeks. That shouldn't make me freak out, right?

But I'm breathing faster, and I'm afraid to check my email to see if she replied, and I'm really anxious. I shouldn't be this nervous. I shouldn't be freaked out that I said something wrong.

And I shouldn't freak out about the possibility of getting together with her without other people. I mean, it's not that big a deal. We're friends. She doesn't bite. I can't make that much of a fool of myself. And I want to be friends, and only friends, so that shouldn't be tripping me up.

Yet I'm freaking out and afraid to check to see if she replied. Gah.

reflect

:: 2007 8 January :: 1.12 pm

I keep...wanting things. Not quite sure what I want, though, which makes it hard to get it.

But I know I'm currently dissatisfied with things, and with myself, and with my current situation. I need a change.

reflect

:: 2007 1 January :: 5.07 pm
:: Mood: gaaaahhh

I need to stop falling for people
I also need to stop falling for high schoolers. And it was so much easier when I thought she was straight, but apparently she's not.

That doesn't mean I should pursue anything, though. Especially since I'm on a six week hiatus from dating (which is a laugh, considering I wasn't dating anyway). And I like friendship. Friendship is warm and fuzzy and mostly uncomplicated.

It's just weird. I could have sworn she told me she was straight, but now I'm completely reevaluating past situations and wondering what certain things mean. Not that I think she's interested. Not that I actually plan on acting on my interest. But still.

2 observations | reflect

:: 2006 20 December :: 10.37 pm

Because I'm bored
I stole this survey from Katie.

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name? Beth or Liz or Lizabeth
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? John, I think
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? Willa
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? People think the "bouw" part of my name should rhyme with "toe" instead of "cow"
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? probably not

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no
(8) Do you think God has a gender? not really
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? sorta
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? I believe that some people get good out of it, and I also believe that it can easily create evil.
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? Back to where we came from.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? Today, yes. Usually, no.

HUMOR
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? Fairly easy
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? maybe my dad
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? sometimes
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? not reallt
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? boobies
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? hmmm, not sure

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? all the time
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? this terrrible song about Jesus someone sang at Our Chalet when I was 15...she was this forty-something women just warbling along
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? stairway to heaven
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? a bunch
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? solitude standing and left of center by suzanne vega
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) ha, camp songs
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? camp songs!

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? can't think of any
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? I don't really care
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? Queen Amidala
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? the humorous kind that still manage to deftly deal with intense issues
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? action (the ones of the racing cars especially)

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? used to be taste, but now healthiness (to make sure nothing I eat will make me sick, like intense spices or caffeine)
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? parmesan (not grated)
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? absolutely nothing
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? maybe
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? occasionally

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? maybe a little
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? only occasionally, for certain things
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? sometimes, with some people
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? no, never bid

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? not recently
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? different point of view
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? tendency towards ego
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? um, everything?

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? not really
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? Barrack Obama
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? yeah, Clea Duval (as she was in But I'm a Cheerleader)
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? that girl who lived down the hall from me last year
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? sometimes
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? other people's minds are scary
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? maybe if I knew who he was

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? yes
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? no
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yes
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? no
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? sometimes
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? no
(60) What do you think of pi? it's interesting but not interesting to ponder too often

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? no
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? awkward
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? getting to know them
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? sure
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? considering I'm not generally that interested in guys, I haven't put much thought into it
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? as long as you're safe about it
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? yes
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? not really
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? maybe
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? no

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? maybe one of my rings
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? are people tangible possessions? if not maybe a better car
(73) How badly do you want it? I'll live without it...for now
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? no
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? half a second

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? actually, Christmas music in June is fine...in November it bothers me (and i'm not a huge fan to begin with)
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 37
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? Thessaly from Sandman
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? blue (my friend was black)
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? most Jewish holidays other than Hanukkah
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? why bother cluttering the calendar?

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory? sometimes iffy
(83) How good is your long-term memory? pretty awesome
(84) What is your earliest memory? being in my father's lap listening to him sing and feeling secure
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than recieving this survey)? there are a couple
(86) What is your strangest memory? being sick during an eclipse when I was little and being all messed up on time
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? the poem "Stopping at night on a snowy evening" (I think that's the title) by Robert Frost; I always get a line wrong

TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? a lot
(89) What book makes/made you cry? a lot
(90) What song makes/made you cry? a good number
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? bad jokes with friends

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? no
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? no
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? I don't really dance well

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? not really
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? eh
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? eh
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? eh
(99) How would you have answered it? eh

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? a couple days ago
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know?
applesauce?

reflect

:: 2006 11 December :: 8.54 pm

Because I feel like being introspective, damnit
I...don't know. I know I'm not a happy person, but I also know I'm not a terribly depressed person, at least not usually and not at core. I'm just worried. I thought I would stop getting anxious about things once I got myself into a better situation. But not so much, I suppose.

Things freak me out. They always have (and always will?) and there doesn't necessarily need to be a rational reason. Most of my freaked out-edness comes from social interaction. And I keep wondering if maybe I should see a counselor about it. I'm pretty sure I have either a generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I know what goes on in my head, and it scares me.

I get anxious over things like calling people, ordering things in a cafe, asking for books off the reserve shelf in the library (which seriously hurts my research papers), requesting books or periodicals from other libraries (also hurts my research papers), going to professors during their office hours or even making an appointment with them, people I don't know touching me, getting food made to order in any of the dining halls, going crowded places by myself (particularly malls and dining halls), making doctor's appointments, picking up medication, certain hand gestures, not having clothes that match (even socks, and I like it if even my bra and underwear match everything too), breaking any sort of rule even if it's minor, going new places (particularly alone), taking public transportation by myself, crossing the highway by my house (either on foot or by car, though I can cross other highways), seeing doctors, randomly running into people, walking in the woods at night, and looking into mirrors in the dark.

And while I'm getting better at things, slowly, sometimes I'll be fine with something and then freak out about it again later. And it definitely has an effect on my quality of life, but one of the things that makes me anxious is making doctor's appointments, so if I did get to the point where making an appointment at the health center to see someone stopped making me freak out, then I wouldn't really need to see someone, would I?

I'm pretty sure there's nothing else wrong with me, though. I had a shitty school experience which definitely made me depressed, but I don't think I'm depressive or anything else. I just think I need to learn how to not freak out so much, and I think I'm doing a terrible job currently.

1 observation | reflect