:: 2005 28 February :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: Weezer

reflect

:: 2005 23 February :: 10.29 pm
:: Mood: my head hurts
:: Music: Tori Amos

reflect

:: 2005 16 February :: 10.35 pm

I think people should stop asking each other "Are you okay?" and instead ask "Are you dying any faster than usual?" I told this to Barrett at lunch today, he said he was. Then somehow I ended up saying that I suck at life unless it's a standardized test, which made him laugh. The quote is on my notebook now. Too bad I just got a new one and that one is being retired.

I don't really want to go to bed right now. If I go to sleep, I'll wake up and everything will be the same. Besides, I'm not that tired.

It feels like the longer the school year drags on, the worse I get. I hate that. I don't want scars, or lingering depressions, or mental problems of any kind. I just want to be a normal happy senior, looking forward to everything everyone else is, like prom and Project Graduation. I don't want to be writing a weird disjointed story that's taking over my life, I don't want notebooks full of poetry, I don't want to have to listen to my friends talk about bad family situations and destructive habits. Sometimes I think if I could I'd want to be a boy-crazy mall girl.

I'm not though, obviously. And I usually like it that way. I was looking at a picture of me that was taken this summer and I realized how much I miss the way I am outside of school, the "real me." I'm not a weak person. I'm capable of standing up for myself and of having others respect me. But when I'm in school, I just can't do it.

I just lost my train of thought, oh well. The jist of what I'm thinking is that I hate myself right now. I hate this weak person I've turned into, who lets others (notice the plural) manipulate her, who can't share enough about her concern for people. And I hate not having Christina to share this with. Even if I spared details, she always understood me implicitly. Now I have no way of getting in touch with her, and I don't think we'll ever be good friends again. I haven't even seen her in a month, and that was for about 20 seconds (and before that, it was another month). And who knows, maybe it's my fault.

Gah, definitely time to stop thinking.

reflect

:: 2005 16 February :: 10.18 pm

Hmm. My dad's friend is in the Rotary Club. They're sponsoring a leadership conference and he offered me the spot for my high school. Normally, the club would go to the high school and talk to the guidance counslers and find someone that way, but when your dad's the mayor, there are occasional benefits (and plenty of bad things too, I should add). It's being held on a weekend in April and the club would pay for me.

It sounds nice enough. There'll be "indoor and outdoor leadership building activities, social activities, along with some games and a lot of fun." No one else will really know anyone, so that takes some awkwardness out of it. And it's free.

I'm not sure though. Getting the leadership award means nothing now that my college applications are finished. And this is mean "to honor outstanding high school students at a leadership conference." The requirements say the students should have demonstrated leadership ability in school and community activities over the past two years. I can fake it, but I'm not quite as "outstanding" as I ought to be. And I'd have to miss a YMCA overnight (which, of course, is breaking my heart).

I think I'll do it though. Faking some social behavior for a weekend shouldn't be too bad. And I can always fake sick and go home if it's too bad.

reflect

:: 2005 13 February :: 2.36 pm
:: Music: Rasputina

reflect

:: 2005 11 February :: 4.30 pm

crappy week
Things that are not fair:
--When a sixteen year old has FIVE names from the past few months with an RIP note in her profile.
--When there is such a stigma with something as simple as feminism that a very feminist person claims not to be a feminist, and actually thinks she isn't one.
--When someone can't be bisexual without being told that there's something wrong with them.
--When someone steals from one of the nicest teachers in school, ruining things for a bunch of her students and turning her into a wreck.
--When someone has such a crappy family and childhood that it's dubious that they'll ever be healthy.
--When someone's brother kills himself.

reflect

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.52 pm

We had an assembly today, which was complete torture for me. Some state prison inmates came in to speak. This is the fourth time I've been talked at by convicts (though, to be fair, the first time was juivenile offenders), not including all the times I've seen video of "Scared Straight", plus other random sermons I've heard throughout the years. I'm not into drugs. I don't cut class. I take education seriously (even if I haven't done my homework yet...I just perfer to do it at school whenever possible). I don't break rules, and I respect authority (though not even to not make fun of it occasionally). I don't need to be yelled at. Plus I missed English and choir, both classes I enjoy. And I missed my usual lunch period and ate in 6th period instead...with Preeti. Everyone else skipped lunch and went to class (why?), but Preeti skipped class to go to lunch with us, and was stuck with me. It was nice to talk to her though, even if she did end up eating half my lunch. And the whole prom thing between her and Katie is a tad annoying. Oh well, talking to her was a good thing. But I would have liked to have missed the stupid assembly instead (how many times can someone in prison khakis tell me to respect my parents and stay away from drugs without me losing it?).

reflect

:: 2005 7 February :: 4.28 pm
:: Music: Garden State soundtrack

reflect

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.11 pm

I think I need help. Which is stupid because I can't ask for it and I probably wouldn't be able to find any (meaning the usefull kind).

Alternately, I can wait for summer. I've done it enough times. And college might possibly be different.

reflect

:: 2005 4 February :: 9.58 pm

I'm a loser. Not that that's a particularly new concept. But it's Friday night. I'm 18. I have a car. I'm at home, and I've done nothing but read fanfic and random idiotic websites. And I did this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and I'll be doing this tomorrow too. I really want to talk to someone right now, but Jen's probably busy, and Katie wasn't around when I called before. And no one's online.

I am a loser because if I had more friends, I would actually be talking to them. Maybe not right this second, but often enough to stem these stupid depressed thoughts. It's true that I'm not a huge fan of people, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time.

I don't like relying on other people. It makes me feel powerless. I can't rely on other people to make me happy. Still hurts. Still stupid that I'm posting this.

This weekend is going to be just the same as always. I'll do homework. I'll spend some time with family on Sunday morning being criticized for not being perfect. I'll spend a bunch of time online. I'll do some laundry. Then I'll go to bed late Sunday night and find myself unable to sleep for the rest of the week. I know exactly how things will go, and I have no way to change it, because I'm that type of person who hangs around alone. I hate this weakness.

reflect

:: 2005 2 February :: 10.37 pm

Avoiding Bush's yearly pack of lies

reflect

:: 2005 1 February :: 3.52 pm

Being invisible
Today was an interesting day to not be noticed. I started Women's Studies, and I can already tell I'm going to hate it. I really want a decent women's studies (or gender studies) class, but I have to settle for a class where you watch movies while you do homework for other classes while everyone else talks. The interesting thing about, though, is that there are other invisible people in it. Normally I'm the only one, but there are two other girls (both juniors, both labeled "freaky" for different reasons) this time. Which is interesting. I watch people sometimes, and I've seen both of these people, and I'm pretty sure they're watching me back.

And in gym today, people acted like I wasn't there. I was on the bleachers writing, and a group of girls congregated right by me. One of them told her friends she cuts. They obviously didn't know before. It was interesting to hear their reactions. It's funny how many people I know who cut themselves when only one person has ever gone up to me and told me (plus someone who made it completely obvious and didn't lie when it was found out). Just by sitting around and being quiet (and by being observant and noticing random scars on people's arms and wrists) I've discovered a bunch of other self-destructive people. It makes me wonder how many people are actually self-destructive.

I managed to write some semi-decent stuff about this today, plus some interesting things about immortality (stupid Paradise Lost got it stuck in my mind). I didn't really talk much today, but that's alright. I did manage to ramble on during lunch, just long enough for Brie to talk to Kelly privately while Kavya and I argued over my intelligence and talked about AP classes (she thinks I'm smart, I say I'm not, we both know that I just don't want to admit it).

reflect

:: 2005 31 January :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: not terrible

Hmm
I'm pretty sure I'm depressed right now.
1) I haven't been sleeping regularly.
2) I lost weight without trying to.
3) I've lost interest in things I used to care about.
Plus all the other things that are always there. Wanting to hurt myself. Feeling insecure. Having times when I don't think anything matters anymore. The biggest thing, right now, is that it's 10:30 and I haven't done my part of a group project yet. I might procrastinate, but I ALWAYS get things done. I can't make myself care. I'll have time tomorrow morning and during lunch, but I know that under normal circumstances I would have finished an hour ago.

I don't feel particularly terrible, but that doesn't mean I'm not depressed. I'm not in a mood where I want a hug or anything. I sorta want to cut myself, but I don't really care enough to. I feel kinda bad because today's my dad's birthday and I had to fake emotion. And my mother did a huge favor for me, while I've spent the past two months laying around acting pissy and depressed.

And it kinda sucks that when I'm around friends (like Brie, Katie, and Jennie too) I still can't really think of things to say.

So I think I'm depressed, which is not surprising because I've spent the last 6 years being depressed off and on. It's kinda sad, I guess. But I should be okay later. I guess. Wow, this is depressing. Ha, I just made a pun.

reflect

:: 2005 30 January :: 2.30 pm
:: Mood: goodish/tired
:: Music: Billy Joel

reflect

:: 2005 28 January :: 9.48 pm

Oh, and now it looks like I'll probably have to wear a bathing suit. My legs are crap. I have my period. I can wear a top and maybe shorts...but I still have scars that will show. If I'd known about this earlier, I could have gone to the drug store and gotten something. Stupid stupid stupid

reflect