Knowledge is so important
I think people forget, sometimes, that they can never stop questioning things. It's easy to find a political group you agree with, or a moral stand you think is right. It's harder to question its righteouness. It's easy to get stuck in a trap of believing that we are completely right, but it's just that, a trap. NOTHING can ever be certain. I have to remember to ask myself things everyday. Maybe I'll discover one day that there is a god, that women really are inferior, and that homosexuality is a choice. I can't outrule the possibility. The only reason I say these things are untrue with any certainty is because I've questioned whether or not they could be true, and found the facts lacking.

Still. It's hard to remember. I can't assume just because someone is, for example, liberal, that they are right. Inversely, I can't assume that conservatives are always wrong. Or that my friends will always be right. Or that the book I'm reading will always be factual, or that my teachers are actually correct. It's everyone's duty to figure out things for themselves, and not to get so comfortable with themselves that they forget to be vigilant. It is in this way that we manage to be free and independent people.

no community college for me
I got in! Not to my top choice, or my second choice (they haven't sent me anything yet, so I still have a chance), but to my third choice. I got into Rutgers. I got into all the schools in the college (well, the liberal arts ones. I didn't apply to business or nursing or anything like that), including Douglass. Which makes me happy. I don't want to stay in state, but at least I'll definitely be out of town.

In randomness:
1) I bought an mp3 player two days ago, returned it last night because it wasn't working for me, and got a new (different) one. It was a lot of money for a person like me. I don't buy myself things, generally, and never expensive things, so this was a bit new for me. But I like it, and it will help me with my goal of being mostly anti-social on the music trip. Plus I can use it at college.

2) I need sleep desperately. I haven't gotten much sleep in the past month or so, and before that, I was completely freaked out for several weeks (sometimes freaked out AND sleep-deprived, funness). The bad thing is that all this reflected on my grades. I'm going to have to take another final now, and my AP Gov grade went down, so my 4.0 is shot. I'm going to have to study harder, too, because I didn't absorb much info. Even Barrett's noticed how hyper I've been lately from lack of sleep, and, considering how he's normally high off meds, completely exhausted, or obsessed with talking about J, that's kinda a bad sign. I will get myself on a schedule. I have to, I'm getting myself sick and I can't concentrate and it's making me feel worse (mentally/emotionally/physically), which gives me insomnia, which makes things even worse.

3) I borrowed a book of Lillian Hellman plays from Mrs. Daley. Trevor brought them to me in the middle of English, and it attracked attention from Mrs. Oram. It's so nice to have teachers impressed by you. So, even though I can't get to the library, I have reading material. Plus a fairly decent book Mrs. Oram just assigned.

4) Stupid snow. I have no desire to spend the day cooped up with my family.

5) It's kinda sad when GS becomes your social life. Eh, I don't really like people anyway, so it's okay, but I kinda feel like I should practice being with people. I'm going to have a roommate! And I'm going to live in a dorm! With other people! Hopefully I'll manage to get in the loser dorm or something.

It's too late for me to be up
I miss having people online to talk to. I know it's after midnight on a school night...but what about people on the west coast? I thought Sharon at least might be up.

Stupid not being able to sleep. Stupid screwed up body clock. Stupid projects and homework assignments and fathers who promise to wake you up in 30 minutes but forget and leave you to sleep an extra 2 hours, making it 9:30 before you can start in on the other two projects you haven't done yet. Stupid spending the entire day indoors.

I should probably sleep, because I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow. If I fell asleep now, I might get five hours. Of course, since I didn't get up till after 11 and I took a two and half hour nap earlier, I doubt I'll be able to sleep until 2 or so. Leaving me less than 4 hours. Making it even harder for me to get by without a nap tomorrow. Making it even more likely for me to stay up tomorrow night, too. Stupid visicious cycle. And I have midterms next week, too.

I'm finally up
Took me long enough. I didn't get out of bed until 1:30, then I took a shower and ate something and read the camp employment opportunities booklet and basically hung around for a bit until I was fully awake. The YMCA overnight wasn't too bad, considering. The useless three were just about useless, as usual, but there weren't too many girls and it was alright. Also, it was nice to see Elisa and Alanna again. And I was happy that I was able to juggle things so I got to work with someone useful.

I have to say, though, that Alicia surprised me. She's definitely changed a bit. I'm so used to thinking of her as homophobic that it's hard for to realize that she's not. Stupid closed mind. I have to remember not to judge people. I felt so bad for her about the Barrett thing though. I haven't given so many hugs in a long time.

I also find it amusing that in a 6-week period (starting this weekend), I will only spend one weekend not doing something GS related (this overnight, Jr PR, talking about lifeguarding for some cadette/senior badge thing at Rutgers, two more overnights). And the week I won't have a weekend thing, I'll have a GS meeting on Monday. For someone with only one activity, I keep fairly busy. I should have said I spent more hours per week for more weeks on my college applications.

I finished my wedding project, finally. And I just spent the last hour and a half reading some decent Daria fanfic. And I have a room for the music trip. Not the exact same people I was thinking yesterday, but close enough. It means a lot to me to feel comfortable about this, and rooming with nice people will be enough to make me feel comfortable.

Today was an alright day, on the whole. I didn't see Brie, because she was spirited away by the HSPA Lady for review during lunch, and then she left early to go to Disney (damn her luck. She's going to be there till Monday). And it was a shame, because we had a sub during both of my choirs and I didn't have her to talk with. But besides that, it really wasn't a bad day. I was kinda tired (I got fourish hours of sleep last night), but it was okay, I figure I won't crash until Saturday (right on cue for the YMCA overnight, ha).

College Apps and such
Well, I'm finally done. My last application (out of a grand total of three) is now completed, dated, signed, and ready to be mailed. I'll know whether or not I got in in a month. My essay this time was the essay I swore I'd never write, but the topics were crap and I couldn't think of anything else. It was the general "I used to be shy and worry a lot but now I've worked past it and everything is peachy and I've found my true self" type of crap I hate. I didn't even really lie to write it (although the implied "everything is fine" part definitely isn't true, it's not like I'm still afraid to stay afterschool or go to the guidence office to switch classes).

I'm just glad it's done. Now I only have to worry about my wedding project, and my media project, and my dramatics scene, and my English project, and my pre-calc test and take home test. Oh, and about how I'm going to stop hurting myself by this August (I do NOT want to be doing this crap in college. Fresh start, PLEASE!). And my Gold Award. And whether or not any of these colleges actually let me in. But besides all that, I'm home free. Ha. And people wonder why I'm always so stressed out.

EDIT: One more good thing: I think I have a room for the music trip. With nice people who don't hate me, who won't keep me up all night, and who won't try to break rules and have guys in the room at 3am. Plus there shouldn't be any random creepy games of truth or dare (not that it's necessarily a creepy game, but it can be). I will feel so much better tomorrow if it works out and I can stop worrying about what random people I might have to room with.

well...
It looks like I'm going on the music trip. Damn you, Jennie, with your logic (and threats of not speaking to me if I don't go--she doesn't made idle threats). And, according to Mark, if I don't go, I'll turn into his aunt. His aunt, apparently, was just like me--fairly anti-social with a small group of friends--and she withdrew and then stopped leaving the house (she lived with her father) and then died at the age of 42. Either that, he said, or I'll turn into *my* aunt (the divorced one who lives with my grandmother and spends all her time criticising me to death and obsessing over her cat). Pretty steep consequences for missing five days with the music department. And missing Passover doesn't count, apparently because "You're not a Jew!" thank you Mark.

The only reason I'm going of all of their arguments is because Jennie threatened to stop speaking to me, and she really would. She's that stubborn. I kinda regret bringing it up, but I wanted to talk about it with someone who's NOT going on the music trip.

But I guess I'm going. I just hope I have a decent time.