:: 2006 3 December :: 10.53 pm

It's also very annoying that the girl I currently have a crush is hated by half my friends, and completely adored by the other half of my friends. So if I was to actually date her, and something went wrong, I have a bunch of friends that are her friends first, and I'd lose them. And my friends wouldn't really be happy if I dated her either. So, angst.

reflect

:: 2006 2 December :: 8.04 pm

It's cool that all my friends are finding people, it really is. I was definitely squeeing at dinner today when Clare told me about her boy, but still...

I don't know. Sometimes I'm okay being single, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I really want to be in love, sometimes I just want someone to play with. Part of me, though, keeps thinking about marriage. Not now, obviously, and possibly not ever if the laws don't change (because even though I identify as either bisexual or homoflexible depending on my mood, I don't see myself marrying a guy). But it's something to strive for...eventually. I'm already 20, and in a few years I'll be moving out and trying to hold down a real job and all. It's perfectly feasible to think that I could get married (or have some sort of commitment ceremony) in the next decade.

And I don't know how to meet people. I basically just fell into my last two relationships, and neither of them were particularly fulfilling (though Steve was definitely what I needed, at least at first). And all the non-straight female people I know are either in relationships or are completely undateable (meaning they're either friends or roommates or far away or some combination of everything). I could broaden my search to guys, but most of the guys I know are gay, anyway.

I don't know. Maybe next semester. Maybe I'll figure things out later. I just kinda wish I could squee over my own relationships instead of just the ones that my friends are in.

reflect

:: 2006 2 October :: 6.50 pm

Does anyone actually read this journal?

1 observation | reflect

:: 2006 31 August :: 2.33 pm

I hate this. Well, maybe not hate. Hate is a strong emotion that takes energy to have, so I'd hate this if I wasn't so tired.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I always seem to go in waves. It doesn't help that my support system at school is again patchy. I miss Allison and Nicole and Steve (not in a "want to date him" sense, but I miss his friendship).

And I'm bored, and I'm sitting around a lot, and I'm worrying about a lot of things, and I don't get my roommate, and I'm having trouble getting into a good sleep pattern, and I'm afraid I might have too much work this semester, and I don't know.

I miss camp. I miss everything being so predictable and I miss my friends.

And I know that I need to be proactive. I need to make new friends, I need to pour myself into my classes, I need to stop sitting around and get out and do stuff even if it's by myself. But I'm just so tired.

reflect

:: 2006 6 July :: 5.37 pm

It's interesting how I'm starting to build a sort of social network that barely includes anyone (with one or two exceptions) from my old high school. I'm going out a lot and doing things and being invited to stuff.

And, of course, I'm feeling awkward. I keep worrying about things, like whether or not people really want me around. And I don't want to be a drag on anyone. I think I might be paranoid, but that doesn't mean my worries can't come true.

reflect

:: 2006 21 June :: 11.22 pm

Things I want
1) To stop being pathetic and stop being sad.
2) To be back at Goucher with Allison as my roommate, and maybe Willa as the cool person down the hall.
3) To not feel awkward with people I should be comfortable with.
4) To stop worrying about everything
5) To sleep--I get about 9 or 10 hours but it takes forever to get asleep and then I toss and turn and wake up six times and I can't function the next day
6) To stop crying at commercials; it's embarrassing
7) A successful relationship
8) My dad to stop his double-standards, because even though I ought to be flattered that he holds me to a higher standard than Jennie, I'm not
9) To be nicer to people
10) To feel like people don't judge me and find me wanting.
11) Attention, and not in the bad way that I hate, but in the pressure free way, like when someone listens and you can tell they hear everything
12) To be better at listening

reflect

:: 2006 3 June :: 10.55 pm

I hate these weird moods. And I don't think I'm bipolar or anything, but I get into these things where I'm almost manic, and it scares me, because I'm not in control.

And then I'll be fine, but then I'll cry. And I don't think there's anything wrong with me except me, but I half wish I had something I could blame this on.

reflect

:: 2006 3 June :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: upset

There are moments when I feel pain all the way down to my toes, and then I feel ashamed, because the pain is fueled by pity, and I should have finished with that in high school. I'm trying to be a different person. I want to have good friends. I want to be cared about. I want to be able to stick up for myself and actually win. And I especially want to get rid of pity, any pity. I will accept empathy and sympathy, but I don't want any more charity emotions. I don't like feeling below people.

The problem is that I can't really change. I almost always defer to other people, because I'm so accustomed to thinking of myself as lower. It's a feeling that's been reinforced over and over, and I don't really know how to stop. I dealt in high school by avoiding other people. I don't want to do that now, because I want friends. But wanting friends makes me eager to please, and doormats aren't highly valued. People use me, and I know it, but I can't change it. And sometimes I'm happy to be used, because at least I'm not lonely, but it still makes me ashamed, and, lately, angry.

reflect

:: 2006 16 May :: 10.14 pm

the school year is almost up
I am really, really going to miss it.

I am. Even with all the angst and stress and stuff I've had lately. Today I went in Towson with Nicole and Jenny and Janelle and Steve, and we ate Salvidorian (sp?) food in this awesome cheap restaurant where the woman only spoke Spanish and then I had cinimon ice cream at this great ice cream place.

And just walking around was awesome, because I was next to Nicole the whole time and I think Nicole is fantastic.

And Allison and Catharine and I went for a random country drive last night and got lost while listening to 90s rock with the window open.

And I've had awesome conversations with Becka and Allison and Clare lately, and I wish I had more time to get to know Becka.

I feel loved, somehow. Even though I know I'm not always invited to things. Even though I know some people might not like me. Even though I feel so, so awkward. I feel loved here, and by more than one person.

I don't really want to leave. I do, but I don't. I want to go home and see Katie and Rita and play around at camp and not have schoolwork to do. But I'm going to miss the people here, and so many people aren't going to be back.

reflect

:: 2006 3 April :: 11.55 pm

I hate love right now. We are all bound by a spiderweb of emotions, and sometimes people go and leave gaping holes.

I hate love because of the capacity to get hurt. I also hate how it constrains us, keeps us tethered. If one isn't careful, it's easy to hurt the ones who love you or who you love.

And I hate how people justify things by love. If they hurt someone, they say it's out of love. And people use the love of one as blinders against the love others, sometimes.

People always get hurt, and sometimes they become so damaged that they pull away from people who love them and cause more pain.

So I hate love today. It binds me to people, it makes me care too much. And I'm too damn empathetic, and because I love people I'll listen to them, and take their pain, and become hurt by it. "Other men's crosses are not my crosses," but it's hard not to offer help out of love.

reflect

:: 2006 22 March :: 7.57 pm

Because this isn't a letter I can actually send
Hey Stina,

How are you doing? What have you been up to? Brie said you were going to secretarial school or something like that. Do you like it? Where are you living?

A lot's happened since we've last talked. I came out to pretty much everyone as bisexual, finally. My parents were surprisingly cool with it when I told them in January. I dated Katie (for three months starting August, mostly long-distance, didn't really work out but oh well) finally. I think some people were waiting for it to happen. I also got my first boyfriend, and we've been going out for four months now. He's awesome, and I think I might be falling in love with him (which scares the crap out of me). Also, I finally I sex. It wasn't a huge deal, but it felt kinda important anyway. Don't know if he and I will be repeating that experiment anytime soon; it was a bit awkward (but I don't regret it).

I really like college. I still get depressed sometimes, but it's easier now because I don't have to deal with the hell of high school on top of it. I actually have a bunch of friends there, and I don't feel like an outsider anymore.

I think about you a lot, even though we haven't talked at all since graduation and not much for a long time before that. You said you'd call me sometime this summer, but you didn't (not that I expected you to). I decided a long time ago not to care about you anymore, but I still do. There's all this stuff going on with me and I really wish I could share it with you. I miss you so much, and you probably never even think about me.

This is stupid. I don't even know how to contact you. I still hope you're doing well, though.

reflect

:: 2006 10 March :: 1.31 am

Damn damn damn
I totally accept that I have issues. I could make a list. I understand my problems. But that doesn't help. I can think about how much I suck all day long, but that isn't going to make anything better.

I just felt like curling into a ball all day long. I've been acting like an ass. No one ever wants to be friends with the depressed person, and I'd really like to avoid high school's vicious cycle. But I'm scared of therapists, my support system is patchy, and my room (the one place I usually feel safe and secure) has been full of people having breakdowns and issues and long conversations that I'm probably not supposed to hear but can't avoid hearing because the walls are too damn thin.

Allison yelled at me for repressing the other day, but I really don't know how one goes about dealing with issues. Thinking about stuff hurts. And going on like I have been I'm not going to have friends soon. I didn't realize that I was going to have so much baggage (especially since I was fine last semester, after I adjusted), and I don't have time to have a fullscale mental breakdown.

1 observation | reflect

:: 2006 27 February :: 11.03 pm
:: Music: Dar Williams

1 observation | reflect

:: 2006 21 February :: 11.39 pm

things
1) I want to have sex with Steve. He wants to have sex with me. We will probably have sex soon. Should I be freaked out by this? I might be.

2) I'm starting to think I might actually be clinically depressed (as opposed to just feeling bad in bad situations, aka high school). Not sure yet, and after talking to Allison there's no way I'm going to the health center, because they can kick me out if they think I'm a danger to myself until they say I'm not anymore. I don't feel particularly awful compared to the past, so I think I'll stick it out and wait for February to end.

3) Barrett. I should have stopped worrying and caring by now! But apparently he not only remembers who I am, he cared enough to tell Brie to congratulate me on getting out. I'm glad he said that, but I wish he could get out too.

4) I worry about other people. A lot. There are a bunch of people on my worry list, and I desperately want their problems to resolve...but worry and want aren't useful.

5) There's a zombies versus humans game going on on campus. My roommate, one of my suitemates, and my suitemate's boyfriend are playing. The bf doesn't go to Goucher, but he spends a ton of time on campus anyway (and he was a Goucher freshman last year), so the creators of the game bent the rules to let him in. He's been staying in the suite since Saturday night. This will be his fourth night in a row. He's going to stay until the game is over. That could take two weeks. I think we should charge him rent, even though he is a nice guy. I kinda wish I had a say in this, or that I was at least told instead of waking up in the morning to him sleeping on the futon.

6) Apparently Allison's sister is going to visit in a couple months and stay for a week. Another case of "please tell me." But I'm actually looking forward to meeting her, so that's ok. And I was told, even if I had to ask questions.

reflect

:: 2006 14 February :: 12.40 am

Why do I feel so goddamned off-balance?

EDIT: Oh. PMS. That explains things.

1 observation | reflect