Because I have way too much free time (or rather, I procrastinate too much, it's not like I don't have things I ought to be doing), I took one of those personality tests (meyers-jeung, or something like that) today. Apparently I'm an INFJ, which seems pretty accurate after I read a few profiles. It confirms a few things:
1) There are very few people similar to me (apparently infj is the least common of the 16 personality types, with only 1% of the population belonging to this type).
2) I am way too empathetic for my own good (feeling other people's pain sucks. plus I feel my own pain way too acutely. I feel happy stuff acutely too, but that's way too rare).
3) Apparently my weird strict morals (you know, those rules that govern proper behavior) are shared by other people...of course, as only 1% of the population...
4) Also, being an introvert with a very intense and complex personal life that very few if any other people have any idea exists is just one more thing that ifj people share.
5) As is an ability to express oneself in writing.

As I said before, I have way too much free time (or way too much time pilfered from my "busy" schedule).

When I wasn't analyzing my personality, I was thinking. I have until Monday to decide whether or not I really want to go on the music trip. I have a bunch of reasons why I don't want to go, such as the long bus ride (I don't take well to being trapped in enclosed spaces with lots of people for extended periods of time), not having someone to sit next to on the bus (especially since the seniors pick bus seats first and none of my senior friends are going...not surprising when you consider that I really only have one senior friend at shs), and not having anyone to room with (and I really really don't want to be placed in a room with people who don't want me there. maybe if I could be guaranteed a room with other misfits...but that would still be weird and stressful). And there's also the fact that spending five days with a couple hundred other people with little to no time to myself doesn't sound great. But I don't want to just not go because I don't have enough friends going who would spend time with me. I've been fundraising for years, plus I really want to compete and see all the stuff on the intinerary and miss school and do all the fun stuff this trip is supposed to have. Gah. I don't want to go and spend the five days feeling miserable and suicidal. Last time I went on a trip without friends to back me up I cracked up within two days. And while spending the entire trip sitting alone in a corner with headphones and a book does sound appealing, I still have to find people to room with.

I also spent some time thinking about Katie, and Stina (I am really really worried about her right now), and about my legs, and about those tsunamis in Asia, and about Billy Joel songs, and about five million other things. This is what happens when you don't spend enough time with other people. I think I ought to go to bed. It's late, and I have no desire to see the ball drop, so I should just give up now and stop thinking. I think I've done enough thinking so far in my life to spend the rest of my days eating bon bons in front of the tv.

Christina
Years and years ago I met this girl named Christina at camp. She was a little weird, but then again, so am I. We ended up sharing a tent for a week with two other girls (one who was spending the entire summer at camp because her mother had problems, and one really mean idiot girl), and we got along okay. A few years later, I saw her again at a Girl Scout pumpkin patch thing at some farm. Then I started seeing her at the library all the time and at some other gs things. And then, two summers ago, she worked at camp for a bit. I hadn't seen her since then until today at the library. I was with my mom, waiting for her to finish taking out her books, when I saw Christina waiting in line. I smiled and waved. My mom was taking an hour, so I was still there when Christina finished and silently came up to me and stood there by me. The library was warm, but she was very tightly bundled up, so much that you could just see her face.

We talked for a minute. I didn't really know what to say, so I asked her if she was coming back to camp. Bad question. It turns out that she had been fired. Okay then. She asked me if I was going to go to college, and I could barely hear her. She told me she's going to go to the community college for a year and then she's going to try to transfer. After a bit I said goodbye and walked out and then she walked back into the library (still bundled up).

Christina has always made me feel a little uncomfortable. At library things she used to go on about her problems and her therapy sessions and stuff. She was the first person I knew that cut herself. And every time I see her it seems like she's lost more people skills. Years ago when I first met her, she was a little awkward, but basically fine. And she always seemed to have a lot of friends and to be fairly self-confident. Everytime I see her she seems worse, and it scares me. She's what I could be if I cut just a little more, if I was just a little more anti-social, if I had had just a few more problems in middle school and high school.

It was just very weird to see her again. I hope she's doing better. I didn't see anyone with her, so I guess she's driving now, which would be good. To be honest, I thought she might have killed herself a while ago, so if she's still here and still thinking about college and stuff, then that's good. It was still really odd to see her again.

Oh, on a completely unrelated note, I've decided I hate the phone. When I'm older I want to communicate completely through semaphore and smoke signals (and maybe email or sign language, because I can't always carry flags and matches).

Yay!
We're getting broadband. Finally. I hate dial-up.

Oh, and I get to drive to Scotch Plains again tomorrow. With my grandmother in the car. Fun. At least I should have approximately $50 in babysitting money by the time I get back home (I'm leaving at 10ish and gettting back probably about 7ish, but only 5 hours of that is babysitting, and the other four's just me randomly donating my life to driving and spending time with my grandmother).

At least this will help me pay off my fun today. I spent almost $30 on admission to and lunch and an extra drink at the Liberty Science Center. It was fun (and the first time I've ever done anything with Brieanna where I was the only one of her friends there, unless you count that horrible birthday "party" I had in September, but she invited me this time).

And it gives me a good excuse to procrastinate a little bit more on all the crap that's on my to-do list. So far I've completed...about none of it. Haha.

rambling
It's funny. At the beginning of vacation, I wasn't really doing anything all week, except going to NYC on Tuesday. Then Tuesday was cancelled, and I was doing nothing. In the course of twentyfour hours, I've gotten something to do Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday night in Saturday (hopefully) and Sunday night. Every other time I have I can work on my massive to-do list.

It's not a bad break. Christmas was nice. I got to see some people I don't get to spend a lot of time with, and I ate some good food, and I got some good gifts (including a compass and an iou for a laptop, plus tons of gift cards). And things have been going pretty okay so far; no big disasters or anything. Plus I'm looking forward to seeing Brie (tomorrow) and Katie (Friday hopefully). The only thing that I'm unhappy about is Stina not calling me back (I've called twice in the past week and left messages); no one's seen her and I'm not even sure where she's living anymore. I'll probably try calling her again in a few days, even though I hate the phone and it makes me feel like a stalker.

Christmas
Despite the rain and 60 degree weather, I'm actually starting to feel Christmas-y, finally. It was a combonation of getting gifts from friends and wrapping gifts for people and caroling in choir, I think. Plus watching Monty Python in English class. Monty Python is soooo Christmasy.

And someone tried to convert me yesterday, which is completely in the spirit of the holdiday (for some people). Plus arguing over the seperation of church and state in AP Gov.

But I'm in a good mood right now, and ready for Christmas...I didn't even mind all the stupid music as much today.

Let's discuss this clinically
1) The room is spinning. I can barely type.
2) I lost ten pounds in a fairly short amount of time (and I wasn't trying to, I just didn't really eat).
3) I've been cutting myself a lot lately. Including while people are in my house.
4) I've been composing suicide notes in my head.
5) I had to write an essay about Hamlet's suicide speech (to be or not to be) today. And then later we continued watching a movie in Health class that involved watching a guy almost kill himself and try to kill other people, as well as video of school violence and bullying. I was crying. Not just a little, but tears were streaming down my face. I wasn't the only one, but still. And then I went to choir and all I was thinking of was how that could have been me, and how I had been so much like that before and how I just wanted to kill myself. And then Brie asked me for a ride home and she must have realized that I didn't sound right when I was answering, so she asked me what was wrong, and I tried to tell her about the movie. I started sobbing. I don't sob. Not in front of people. I might have tears in my eyes, but I don't do things like that in front of people. She hugged me and gave me tissues and told me that no one was going to blow up the school (like in the movie), but I don't think she actually knew why I was crying.
6) I came home and cut more.
7) I can cut with a friend in the house, and not even give much of a hint. I feel like a liar.
8) I don't see much of a point anymore. And I'm not in a terrible numb depressed type mood. I'm actually kind of cold and rational right now. Which scares me.

So basically, I'm afraid. Am I depressed? Am I mentally ill? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I need help or want help or what. I looked at my legs today in a mirror. I didn't really realize it before, but I have two cuts on my legs that are almost completely scarred over, and they are dark and ugly looking. Normally I heal pretty well in two weeks, these are three weeks old, they aren't done healing, and they look terrible. What am I doing? And I can stop what I'm doing at any point and act completely normal. I have been, actually, because my house hasn't exactly been empty lately. I've done a lot of putting my jeans on quickly when I hear a car in the driveway or a parent down the hall, and then talking to my parents or sister or whomever like nothing is wrong. The only time I wasn't able to do that today was when I talked to Brie.

I don't know what I should do. I have a few options, I think. I could do nothing and just try to be numb. I could kill myself (not going to happen. I promised too many people I wouldn't). I could go to my mom and tell her I want to see a therapist. I could go to my mom and tell her I cut and I need to go to a mental hospital (Also not going to happen, I don't instend to go to my mom about anything, it couldn't end well). I could call a friend (only I don't have that many and one is Brie and the other is Stina, who's at work until 9ish I think, and then Katie who I'm afraid to bother). I could promise myself that I'll see someone as soon as I'm at college. I'm probably just going to try to tough it out. I'll finish as much work as possible tonight. I'll cut myself if I have to, it's not really that big of a thing. And eventually I'll have to do something, but not now.

This sucks. I can feel my face composing itself. I know that I will be able to pretend to everyone that I'm okay. And even worse, telling people wouldn't matter because no one can help me.

I suck (not literally)
I had my choir concert tonight. Normally, at least some of the music (if not all) will carry me away in my mind. I'll feel touched, and sing with my whole self. I don't even know what I really sang this time. I tried everything. I always have to fake the emotion with jesus music, so I tried thinking about family and friends and people I have crushes on and cute little puppies and anything that might get an emotional response out of me. Didn't work. Even on my favorite songs (all two of them, out of twelve), I couldn't get that rush. I wasn't even singing well. I forgot when to come in a couple of times, a few notes, a couple carryovers, a dynamics change or two. I was completely distracted. And by what? I have nothing to be distracted by. Gah.

Also, I've decided, recently, that I'm addicted to more things than I thought. Not only am I addicted to reading, cutting, and singing, I'm also addicted to not being happy. Seriously. I'm addicted to depression and numbness and everything bad to feel. There's no good reason for this, but I've been so fucking messed up for so long (I didn't even socialize normally in preschool) that I've gotten used to it. I don't even know how to function as a normal human being anymore. Case in point, typing this instead of glowing over music and doing my homework. I haven't done homework in a week. I've been faking it well enough (I've scribbled down some passable answers in math and pretended to know and care about media involvement in politics), but I haven't been able to concentrate. And I have two tests tomorrow. I need to concentrate. I just want to die.

Hmm. Katie was just over to drop off her stuff because she's staying over for a few days. I think I'm more tired than I thought, because I couldn't make a credible sentence or act semi-normal. gah

finally a good Christmas song
The Atheist Christmas Carol
words and music by Vienna Teng

it's the season of grace coming out of the void
where a man is saved by a voice in the distance
it's the season of possible miracle cures
where hope is currency and death is not the last unknown
where time begins to fade
and age is welcome home

it's the season of eyes meeting over the noise
and holding fast with sharp realization
it's the season of cold making warmth a divine intervention
you are safe here you know now

don't forget
don't forget I love
I love
I love you

it's the season of scars and of wounds in the heart
of feeling the full weight of our burdens
it's the season of bowing our heads in the wind
and knowing we are not alone in fear
not alone in the dark


This song is wonderful. It's a nice alternative to those sappy pop songs that rhapsodize about the meaning of Christmas. And I can't take anymore Jesus music. I spent TWO HOURS STRAIGHT singing jesus music today (I had a music lesson in between my two choir periods), and tomorrow's the concert, so I'll spend several more hours singing. But this song is good, and even if it's not my all-time favorite, the lyrics are so pretty that I can't stop listening.

stuff
Stina came to lunch yesterday (and would have today except that she had to make up a test, but she came in and said hello and told me that she'd call me tonight).

One of my friends tried to kill herself last night. I'm not exactly positive how, but I think she tried to drown herself. Someone found her and she went to the hospital and then today she was back in school like nothing happened. I talked to her, but for some reason she assumed I knew what happened, and then when she figured out I didn't (she mentioned something about the hospital and I asked what she was talking about) she gave a few details. I got the 20 second version.

I don't know whether to cry, cut myself, or throw up.

I have choir practice today for two hours and twenty minutes. I don't want to sing. My throat hurts. I hurt.

All I want to do is call someone but everytime I contemplate picking up the phone I stop, because I don't want to bring anyone down.

I lied when someone asked me if I was okay today, and they believed me. I need to stop lying.

So
Stina didn't show at lunch today, despite her promise. I can't say I'm surprised. I didn't expect her to show up. Her sister said she was supposed to come, but she hadn't seen her all day. And Brie says that Stina would have called me but she lost my cell phone number. I never have that thing on, and I'm always home. My number's listed. I'm not sure whether or not I should be angry or worried, so I'm settling for some weird combonation of both. I'm going to call her tonight, which might be a bit tricky (because she's apparently working two jobs, not that she's told me anything of the sort, or anything at all). I really need to talk to her, I need to know that she's ok, and if she's not, I want to help her. Gad. She's my friend, and I love her, and if she's having trouble, I should be there.

And, of course, I'm worried about other people too. A certain person, in particular. Because she showed me and Kelly a note that she wrote to a friend saying she's cutting her legs and then a note he wrote back with his cell phone number. She was trying to give us proof that she's getting help (because she actually admitted she needs it). And I know I haven't been friends with her as long as some other people (at least, not continuously; we were friends when I was in 2nd grade but then lost touch till her freshman year), but I still worry about her. I wish I could just bully her into telling me everything, but I settled for telling her that if she ever needs help with anything, to come to me. But she's scaring me again, and talking about killing herself, and all I want to do is make everything better and I can't. I can't even tell her that I can relate, because I'd probably just upset her.

I've had a lot of crap to do lately also. I have math homework, AP Government and Politics crap (and a quiz to study for), college applications I need to hand in tomorrow, teacher recommendations I need to ask Ms. McWilliam's for, a book to get for my Criminal and Civil Law class, a scene to memorize for Dramatics, laundry to do, gifts to get for people, and tomorrow's the first night of Chanukah.

Right now I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I don't want to go back to that stupid depressed mood I just barely managed to shake. I need to let things heal. I can't get depressed right now, not when there's so much to be done. But I can kinda feel myself getting overloaded and beginning to shut down. I'm trying not to, but there's just so much going on.

I really am talented at finding things that piss me off
http://www.ucc.org/news/u113004a.htm

Now I can add CBS, UPN, and NBC to my boycott of TV stations (although I figure I can still watch FOX as long as I avoid their "news" programs, and my "boycott" will probably run out of steam rather quickly anyway). Gah. It's a stupid TV commercial with a message of inclusiveness, and people try to say it's innapropriate. How wonderful. I love our country so.

Rambling
Talking about cutting makes me cut. I know this. I have conversations anyway. And 21 new red lines, which is a little excessive for me. And a little sad, too, since I won't be able to show my legs for a while, and I won't feel comfortable not wearing a watch for at least the next two weeks.

But that was all early in the week. My mood isn't quite as dark right now. I sent out my Rutgers application, and I spent awhile on my room (not enough, but I'm still going), so things seem a bit nicer. And I'm not going to school tomorrow, which is a pleasant repreive.

I'm actually feeling kinda nice right now. I talked to B before, and I'm not worried about her killing herself anymore. I'm not going to see her again until Saturday, but that's ok.

I really think things are going to be alright. I went to bed early last night, woke up on time today. Got my homework done, for once. And I only have two college applications left. I can do this. Only six more months. And I really think college will be okay. There's always email and letters and the phone, and, if things are horrible, I can always transfer. I'm not a bad person, and I can muster up some social skills when I have to, I'll make friends (and hopefully not lose the ones I have now, particularly not Brie or Katie).

As for everything else, it will all work out eventually. No use worrying about things that I can't change.