I *think* people care about me. I think. Barret and Brie both noticed that I seemed to be in a really bad mood yesterday. And today, they noticed again. And Brie has been actually acting like she cares about me. And Barrett has been nice.

I love how I can SI continuously through three classes (by scratching myself with a small sharp piece of plastic and then the jagged edge of a metal soda tab after I lost the plastic), and no one will notice (yesterday, not today), but I can rip up a styrofoam lunch tray and suddenly everyone I eat lunch with will pay attention (even though I tried to do it under the table today). It's fairly ironic.

What's also ironic is that even though Brie appears to care, I can't talk to her. Actually, I can't talk to anyone. Bleh.

"The Desiderata"
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

--Max Ehrmann, 1927

Things that suck
1) Having random headaches.
2) Randomly crying.
3) Not being able to talk to people.
4) Having a sore throat.

Plus I'm really numb right now. And I'd want to be un-numb, except I really don't want to feel anything, because then I'd cry again.

I didn't even have fun at model un mock session today. I didn't not-have fun, I just didn't feel anything about it at all. I'm still not feeling anything.

Part of me is telling me to cut right now, just to feel something. Another part is saying feeling nothing is good. And most of me just doesn't care. Gah. And isn't in wonderful that whenever I start to feel like this all I can do is post in a journal no one reads instead of talking to one of my friends.

A year...
One year ago today I stopped being friends with Lar. I came to school that day and found out from Brie what Larissa had done, and that was it.

I can't believe I actually know the date. I wasn't sure, but I had an idea that today was the day, so I looked it up, and I was right. I can almost not believe that today makes a year.

At the choir festival today, I ended up sitting two seats away from her (I sat next to Brie and she sat next to Larissa, no it was not by choice for either of us to sit near her). I'm still amazingly bitter, but I don't feel like physically assaulting her every time I see her anymore, which is probably a good start.

And I don't care if my friends know that I'm bisexual anymore. I don't even care if other people know. As long as I'm the one who tells my family (on that shadowy day in the future that may never come), and no one yells that I'm not straight in the faces of any homophobic people that I have to deal with regularly, I'm ok. It's not some huge deep dark secret anymore, even though I do like to be private.

It's still really strange that it's a year today though.

lots of stuff
1) Guilford is cool. I'm not positive about it, but it's a good second choice. Especially since that only makes two colleges I actually want to go to (making Rutgers my saftey...which is both snobby and sad at the same time).
2) My parents need to back off. They're starting to, a little, but I need more. Basically, I want them to ignore me most of the time unless I show signs of wanting to converse. And I usually don't want to talk. I like being anti-social.
3) I either a)need to stop caring about other people or b)need to get friends that care as much about me as I do them.
4) I'm really really worried about Stina. And yes, like everyone else, she probably doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. Which, in her case, is almost ok, because she's got enough going on. Which is why I'm worried.
5) I need to start telling more people what I really think. If I'm this passive-agressive at 18, it suggests that that's the way I'll always be. Which sucks.
6) Not being self-destructive is good. Really good. Which is why carrying a notebook with me at all times is essential. Going to the park today was stupid...until I found a picnic table and actually wrote out what I was feeling, which is what I should have done at home instead of randomly driving myself to the next town when I got upset.
7) I need to stop talking to myself.
8) I'm half telling myself that I need to stop being so self-indulgent and into myself, and half thinking that if I don't care about myself then who will. And parents don't count.

Goucher!
I just got back. I want to go there. The campus is pretty and huge, with most of the buildings close together, but with lots of woods and trails and stuff. And Towson is really nice (a nicer New Brunswick, almost), and Baltimore is really close, but it doesn't feel like living in a city. The interview went really well, especially the part when the interviewer guy looked at my grades and SAT scores and told me how smart I appeared to be, and then how I shouldn't have any problems with the application process. And they have tons of cool study abroad programs and internships and their newspaper is awesome and they're going to get free music and movie downloading for students and they have small classes and close teacher-student relationships and a cool library and really nice english and political science departments. The only bad thing is that they have a really high smoking rate, but I can get into a non-smoking dorm without doing a wellness dorm, and all the buildings are smoke-free inside. And it's not easy to get to, I would need to take a twenty minute cab ride to or from the closest train station if I wanted to go without a car (everything else, including the mall, banks, a grocery store, two bookstores, a drug store, and restaurants, is close by, so I'm going to try to go carless at least at first), but that's ok, I think I'll deal.

Scary
I wore makeup to school today to go with my halloween 1980s theme, and I got waaaaay too many compliments on my makeup. I was not supposed to look pretty! Gah.

But the day was nice. The first really nice day I've had in a while. It's nice to have a day when I'm not feeling depressed or under pressure or stressed out or confused. I had all my homework done, several people gave me candy (including the sophomore girl I had a crush on at the beginning of the year...too bad I got over the crush, but it was still cool), I got my Crime and Law project back (an A! Yes, I will skip that final thank you!), a cool guy's a'capella group sang during my first choir class, we sang the alto part to that really cool Oliver song in my second choir class, and I did my speech practice really really well (if I may say so myself. and it was better than "bush's" speech). And my English test was cancelled. And I got to wear my sister's awesome red leather jacket. And I have very little homework over the weekend, and I have a party to go to (I felt so cool in math; people were talking about this halloween party they were all going to where they'll do all the stereotypical high school party stuff, and I get to go to a party where there's a good chance of a pinata, which is much cooler). Plus I'm actually doing things on Halloween (a stupid brunch and volunteering, but it counts). So I'm pretty happy.

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE ASK ME HOW I AM?!?!?! Ask me what's new! Ask me how's school! Ask me anything, just pretend that you actually care about my freaking life!

Or, maybe you shouldn't. I don't know what sort of answer I would give.