weee!
yesterday was the teens arts festival, and i'm still floating. the only things the two published authors and the other people who read my poems told me to change was stuff i had done already myself. the one published author guy told me that i can end poems really well, and also that i have everything i need writing-wise, and that all i need to do is write more. the other published author, a woman, liked my use of language a lot, and appreciated my weird titles. (and the authors weren't as positive with everyone, so feel cool) there was an open-mike thing, and my poems got good responses there too. the best, though, was last night. my perpetually negative grandma told me one of my poems was beautiful. it might take me a while to stop glowing!
something else cool: i get to work the polls for the election tuesday. i get to skip school, *and* i get paid (rather well paid too).

reasons for me to be not-so happy
1) my grandma told my cousin that my silver award project i did a few years ago (which i put a TON of work into), was just "a simple weekend project." it wouldn't be as bad if she had ever given me credit where it had been earned, but no, i'm never worthy of praise from her. the (unfavorable) comparisons to my older sister get old too, and i'm sooooo sick of it!
2) i have a test or a quiz on a play i haven't read in english tomorrow. i can't read it because i left it at school, and i didn't even realize that i didn't have it until this afternoon, when it was too late to go to the library and borrow it from there.
3) i had to sit for approximately 15 minutes in an enclosed vehicle that was full of cleaning fumes AND tobacco smoke from a pipe smoker. then, after i finally got home, my sister started polishing her shoes right next to me, further irritating my sensitive throat. i'm *still* coughing and wheezing, even after eating a million mint candies.
4) i screwed up my sleep schedule on friday because i stayed up watching that stupid movie with my sister's bf. it's a quater to 11, i'm not tired, and i have to get up at 5:45 tomorrow morning! and i already have gotten very little sleep this weekend.
5) i have to stay after school tomorrow to get my stupid working papers signed for camp, but i'm not sure i have everything filled out or filled out properly, and i need the papers to be completed by wednesday. wednesday i have camp training, which was pretty awful last year. i have no expecations of having a good time this year either.
6) i've been acting like an idiot in general.

on a more positive note, the parade was cancelled and i spent the afternoon covering boxes with katie instead of going shopping with my dad.

too much going on
i don't get a weekend this week. yesterday my parents dragged me to the mall (evil evil place), and i had to go see the matrix with my sister's bf. i had no desire to see it, but, in a moment of weakness, i told my sis i would go with her bf so she wouldn't have to. i didn't get to sleep until after one o'clock. today i went to my grandma's house for a barbque (a very odd bbq, in which we ate london broil off the good china with the good silver in the dining room and talked about religion and politics) because family was is visiting. it was really fun (probably because five people went through three bottles of wine), but i had to get there early to help my grandma set up and i slept late. tomorrow i have another bbq to go to, only it won't be as fun because it's at my other grandmother's house. that side of my family doesn't talk as much about politics and religion is a taboo subject. so i'll have to sit through four or five hours of "isn't the weather nice?" and conversation about my sister. monday i have to march in the memorial parade and suffer through a lot of patriotic bs (some of it is meaningful, but not enough of it). then i have to go out to dinner with more family. i also have to read a play for tuesday and do other various hw. i really need a relaxing weekend, especially after last week, but i'm not going to get it. at least i have the country teen arts festival to look forward to....

public speaking class
today candice was giving a speech on teen suicide. i thought it was a good speech--until she starting "demonstrating" the ways one could attempt suicide. first, she passed out pictures of guns. then she pretended to overdose on pills (she poured little pieces of white cotton into her mouth from an advil bottle). then she pulled her sleeves up to show us red lines (from a pen) around her wrists. then she took off her jacket to show us "cuts" going up her arms (because if you really want to kill yourself it's easier to split a vein that way). then she took out black ribbon and pantomined strangling and hanging herself. i think i was the only one in class who found this disturbing, but i thought it was really inappropriate. and why, when my teacher stopped someone from going into detail in a speech on teen sexuality because the class wasn't all juniors and seniors (i'm the only sophmore, and we have no freshmen) didn't stop this? this actually bothered me, especially when candice abruptly pushed up her sleeves to show the red lines. it took a second to realize they were fake.

last weekend was Encounter (coed camping competitions rock, i just wish there were more in this state), so i'm still on a bit of a high. i shouldn't be, i got grades from two tests i should have aced, and they were a D and a C, but i'm not. i'm having a *nice* day. even my writer's block is gone. i filled up an entire page and a half in my big notebook with passable poesy today. i had a cool conversation with dana today (she might come to the gs meeting tomorrow, and maybe even Encounter next year), and even my period isn't as bothersome as normal. and i finally have the notes down for this tricky song we're singing in choir. i should go to Encounter more often, methinks, if this is the mood it puts me in!

the gym final
i hate hate hate it. for the final, we have to run the mile, do the sit and reach test, do pull ups or flexed arm hang, and two other tests i'm not sure of yet. we are being graded on how well we do, not effort. our preparation? one week, out of the entire semester! i "ran" the mile for the first time today in over a year. i couldn't run it. i have *breasts* for goodness sakes. i'm also not in shape. i'm not athletic. even at my peak physically (like last summer), i'm not great at running. but i have always gotten As in gym class. i put forth effort, unlike some of the actual atheletes in the class. i'm trying to get back in shape, i just don't have much time. my teacher explained that if we put forth our best effort, we would pass. but i'm still going to get a d! the grade for a c is 10 min, 30 seconds, or something right around there. my time is somewhere around 13 or 14 minutes. i am not going to shave three minutes off my mile time in a week! most of the other tests i'm going to do just as terribly on. i can try my hardest, and i will still get a D as my final grade, despite doing A work all semester! i don't care if the final isn't a big deal (which it is!), i don't care that the A grade is based on the 65% percentile of girls my age in this country. also, my teacher is convinced i can get at least a C if i try, so i might fail for "not putting forth effort." I WAS NOT MADE TO GO FAST! i was holding back tears after the mile today. and i'll have to run it everyday this week. i know i'm being way too sensitive, but i can't be happy with myself if i'm getting a D. i should be able to do better than that!

i hate english class. i hate english class even when (due to this evil cold i have) i don't actually have to attend it. the witch we have as a teacher, while occasionally showing glimpses of humanity, normally is beyond mercy. apparently she insulted katherine today during the debate (it was on A Scarlet Letter), saying that katherine's point was completely wrong. and it wasn't. i'm dreading actually attending class. i didn't feel up to doing schoolwork until this afternoon, so i'm only halfway through the book. and the debate isn't over, and i'll be expected to talke *5* times in order to get an a. an a i need in order to keep up my grade in order to stay in honors english. i want to stay in honors english because? not quite sure, but i hate college prep (average) classes, and i don't want to take another one. i'm just hoping the teacher doesn't insult *me*.

i'm bored...and sick...and tired...maybe i should go to bed.