home
So...I'm home, for the first time since August. It almost feels like I never left, which I'm not sure I appreciate. Oh well. Seeing certain people will be nice.

I was looking at some of my old word files, and reading a few aim conversations I saved, and it's hard to believe that I could be that angsty. I still get angsty now, but it's not quite so bad.

It's also really strange to think that in three months I've changed so much, but at least I know that it's for the better.

musings
So...I feel weird. I never thought of myself as actually doing things like other people, not romantically at least.

But Steve and I started dating today. And last night we made out for about an hour an a half (and again today). And I'm already showing a guy how to undo the clasp on my bra...

And it feels weird. I just broke up with (was broken up with by) someone. My "experience" before this consisted of holding hands and a few chaste kisses. And it's just weird to think of myself as being normalish for someone my age.

And I also wonder what else is left to keep us occupied. We kinda moved fairly quickly. I don't want to have sex or anything like that anytime soon. I don't want to spend emmense amounts of time making out everyday.

Also, this is NOT an open relationship...so I suddenly feel guilty for having crushes on some of my female friends.

But it was definitely fun to watch our friends react. We went and watched Gilmore Girls, just like we usually do...but Steve was kinda laying on top of me. Margaret kept looking behind her at us about every five minutes. Chelsea kept glancing at us with a surprised look on her face. And they (and everyone else there) got very happy once we gave in and told them. Why do people act like you're announcing a promotion or an engagement or something when you tell them you're dating?

So, I'm happy. And confused. And very grateful that Steve had a brush he could lend me so I could make my hair less mussy before I left his room.

We were talking about something really interesting in one of my classes today. The question was whether or not people have a responsibility to whatever communities they're in to succeed. At first, I didn't think so. Volunteering to serve the community I could see, but I didn't see why me doing well would help others do well. But then I started to think.

I have a long list of reasons why I can't get elected. If I did break into politics, I would plausibly make it easier for other people like me to get elected. And now that I've started to think about it, I feel an obligation. It's interesting.

I've never really felt part of the gay/lesbian/etc community before, and now I do. There's pressure to do well to help everyone that I don't feel for (as an example) being white or anything else like that. But because I belong to a minority group which faces discrimination, what I do can reflect on more people than just myself. It's why I (and lots of other gay people) were so upset at the stupid former governor of New Jersey making "us" look bad.

Oh, and I came out to my entire class today. Not that it was a secret. But it did get mentioned while I was contributing to the discussion (actually, I tried not to, but then the professor asked what groups I was talking about...so oh well). And Kate backed me up, which was nice of her.

Kate and I kept talking after class...it's nice to know that she understands what I was talking about.

wondering
Barrett. Barrett, Barrett, Barrett. I know he's 18 now. I hope it's all working out for him, even if he is an asshole.

I dressed up as the class mobility (or upward mobility) fairy today. I wore black and ripped dirty jeans, and twisted wings with my hair all messy and over my face. I was one of two winners in my Frontiers class (we were supposed to be a class stereotype...but I wanted to wear wings). I might go trick or treating in 15 minutes. I might do stuff tonight. I might just sit in my room and do absolutely nothing all night.

I feel vaguely dissatisfied. I don't know why. Hopefully the feeling will go away soon.

my weekend
Friday night was great. Last night was great. Today is homework infested. But yesterday was worth it.

I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time yesterday. I'd seen bits and pieces on tv before, but this was the first time I saw it in a theaterish setting (it was in a lecture hall, with actors and stuff in front of the screen). Due to my lack of slutty clothing, I was a bit of a group project. I ended up wearing Jenny's awesome black combat boots, Nichole's fish nets and white "pearl" necklace, and my own black shirt/jacket/skirt (which I had to kinda fold in half because it's normally ankle length, so it was amazingly short). Nichole did my makeup and Margaret loaned me lipstick. I really like the way I look with eyeliner and mascara, too bad I don't care enough to do it myself.

The show was awesome. Afterwards, we walked to the diner and had a late dinner/snack thing. Then we went back to watch Kill Bill (I got through about the first half hour before succumbing to my exhaustion and going back to my room for bed). We were lucky that we gained a daylight savings hour, because even with adjusting for it I didn't get to sleep until 4:30 in the morning.

One of the nice things about what I've been doing lately is that it's been with some different people. It's also nice that these other people aren't straight. It's not that I have anything against straight people...it's just that it's nice to be able to talk about how pretty other (female) people are and have other people agree. It's kinda a stupid little thing, but it makes me feel more comfortable.

Right now I should probably be doing homework, I only have a TON of it to do. And maybe I should get my halloween costume together (I was going to be a communist fairy, but now I think I'm just going to be a lower class for my one class where they're making us dress up as class stereotypes).

awesome night
So I met with everyone at 7:30 in Molly's room for gay movie night before BGLAD. We watched Stage Beauty, which was awesome, and then hung out a bit before going down to the common room at ten for the meeting. No one was there, and Jeff checked his email and found out that the meeting was cancelled. We weren't really fond of the idea of doing nothing on the first night of midsemster break, so we decided to walk to SuperFresh to get cookies to decorate (which was supposedly what we were going to do at the BGLAD meeting).

It was the funniest thing. Jenny has short boy-hair, bleached blond, and she put it up in a fake mowhalk today, and then she added a great black trench coat (and she was wearing combat boots!). We all gathered umbrellas and such because it's been raining off and on all day, and went off the the 24-hour SuperFresh. Once we figured out that we would have to climb the fence to go the short way, we turned around to go to the regular SuperFresh, which happily was still open at 10:30 at night. The air felt wonderful and cool, and we were all happy and talking, and I felt very contented. We managed to freak out a very proper looking older couple (I think Jenny offended her), and then we truimphantly returned with some sugar cookies and icing (we already had sprinkles). We did the cookie thing back in the dorm (Jenny made a penguin cookie in honor of BGLAD and the gay penguins), and then we went back to my room to watch Daria. I had five people on my bed, two people on the floor, and my laptop on my desk chair. Tomorrow we're going to the mall. We kinda want to go to the Ren Faire, but we have no transportation, so we're going to the mall instead.

I love doing things like this. I love having fun with a group of people and not doing anything I don't want to (like drink). I had a shitty week (stupid low moments managed to follow me across state lines, damn them), but tonight made me feel better. I also liked that I hung out with some different people tonight, because I needed a bit of a break from certain people. Plus Jenny's really hot, and, for once, of the appropriate sexual orientation (but I think she might be dating someone, I'm really not sure). But tonight was basically just very fun and happy, and I'm glad that I've met such cool people, even if I still miss people from home.

i am a nerd boy magnet
So I talked to Steve last week and made sure that he knew I wasn't interested in him as anything other than a friend. It went alright, and we're definitely still friends (though I know he still likes me). But it's as taken care of as I can get it.

Now, of course, I find out that another guy (with glasses, no social skills, and a love of reading at dinner, aka a nerd) appears to like me. How do I know this? According to my friends, he asked me out at lunch the other day, and I said yes. I didn't realize at the time that that was what was happening, but oh well. I like this guy, again, as a friend (he's odd in that he rarely speaks or looks at people, but he's really very funny and smart). But now Molly wants tips on how to attract guys, and it's all very funny and confusing at the same time because no one ever used to like me before (with the exception, hopefully, of my girlfriend).

Steve likes me. I thought he might before; it's been confirmed. I really didn't believe it before. I just thought it was one of Margaret's mad notions. But he really does like me, and he has for awhile, and I'm completely confused.

It does make me feel better that there are people who find me attractive (besides Katie), and that there are people who don't mind dating a bi girl in a poly relationship. But it's really taken me aback, even though I suspected before, because I'm very much not used to being in this situation.

today
My roommate is currently watching Jerry Springer on my tv. Her boyfriend is (most likely, she's not completely sure yet) coming tonight and staying until Sunday. I am so happy our roommateness is soon coming to an end.

It does help having Molly and Margaret and Steve. Molly and Margaret are letting me sleep in their room this weekend, which is fantastic (sleepover party, woo!). Just hearing my roommate talk on the phone to her boyfriend is sickening (Margaret said I should tell her to get a dildo), so I don't want to see/hear them do anything else.

Molly and Margaret and Steve are completely wonderful, though. They hug me and support me and don't think there's anything wrong with me. Molly and Margaret have also been cool about sharing their room, which is good because being in the room with my roommate can be irrating to my thoat and my head. Last night I tried writing a paper in here, but I had to stop and drag my laptop over there because I couldn't breathe in my own room.

I'm listening to the first song I ever remember hearing right now. My dad sings it all the time, and I've never heard the original (or much more than the chorus). It's a pretty song, and Harry Chapin has a nice voice, but I like it much better when my dad sings it.

I'm not homesick, per se, but I'm missing things. I like it here, and I like the friends I've found. I just want to hear my dad sing again, and to be a part of the things that were (still are, it hasn't been that long) so important to me. And it's weird to think that I'm not really going back. The friends I have right now are going to become more and more important to me. The people at home are going to be more and more distant and eventually I might not have anything in common with some of them anymore.

I really need to stop writing things at one in the morning. I'm a lot perkier in the daytime.