I don't feel well. Yesterday I felt like I was going to throw up. Today I have a headache and stuffed up sinuses. It's allergies, I think. That and maybe sleep deprivation, and maybe stress. I'm not particularly stressed out, but having a roommmate who smokes isn't helping (especially considering that I'm ALLERGIC).

But I was ten minutes late to my Connections class, which is not a great thing to be, because I slept through the beginning. I actually set my alarm clock, and slept through it. Gah.

But I'm done with Spanish homework, and I only have one class (Spanish) tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow is also Molly's birthday, so we'll want to do something. But hopefully it will be better tomorrow. Also, hopefully my RA will email me back about how to change rooms. Stupid people who lie on their rooming forms...grrr.

People are oblivious
You know, I thought I was being rather obvious that I wasn't straight. Refering to a specific person as one's girlfriend and talking about certain women in movies as "hot" or "pretty" should have been a bit of a clue. Seriously, I think I mentioned not being straight about four times before they actually got it, and I had to be quite blunt.

And when I finally did say "I'm bisexual," they were like "What????". It was actually kinda funny. Apparently they thought I was just going on about my friend who is a girl. I guess when I counter stories about Margaret's bf with something about my gf, they just thought I was going off-topic.

But now just about all my friends here know that I'm not straight. Since I don't wear a rainbow bracelet and my head isn't shaved and I contribute to Johnny Depp conversations, it was a bit of a hassle getting them to understand. But at least they aren't homophobic.

It's so weird. A few months ago, I was fighting continuous low moments and feeling happy maybe once every couple weeks. I had a couple friends, but spent most of my time alone. School was an exercise in torture.

And it's so odd that it's not like that anymore. I'm usually happy and I have friends and I like my classes. But most people here seem to have a lot of friends at home and to have enjoyed high school. Some people don't even really seem to understand what I mean when I say I hated high school. It's not that I'm really having problems here, which was my fear, but that I can't reall escape stuff I left behind.

I keep trying to not be closeted, to stand up for myself, not to pretend to be anything I'm not. My group of friends has already had the "do you drink" discussion, and while no one really parties a lot, I seem to be the only one who has something against getting drunk (with the exception of Colin, who isn't in my "group" but is still my friend). And I have more friends now that I ever really have before, and some of them are even the kind I can talk to about important things, and people seem to respect me and no one thinks I have anything wrong with me.

But sometimes I still feel like I'm at home, and I wish it wouldn't follow me like this. I'm pretty happy most of the time, but I feel vaguely shadowed.

Goucher's still one of the best things that's ever happened to me though.

Yesterday was nice. For a while I was kinda hanging out by myself, though. I went to the campus coffee shop at 9 for some random jazz thing, and I ended up sitting at a table with this girl and this guy. We started talking, and eventually ended up discussing abortion and religion and politics and stuff, and then we went back to the other girl's room (she's in the new dorm so she was showing us her suite).

We got there a little before 11. We didn't leave until 2:30ish. We're all writers, and we talked a lot about writing and stuff. We ended up just discussing everything. It was completely awesome and wonderful. I ended up telling them I was bi and the guy told us he's gay, and we talked a bit about how hard coming out is. Both of them are really nice people and I feel a real connection with them. I've met a lot of people here, but with most of them I'm still learning where they live and what their hobbies are. What was also nice is that we gave each other hugs when we left, which was awesome because I'm not used to going so long without hugging people.

I'm a college kid!
It still feels kinda weird. It's almost like summer camp. Yesterday I fell in with a very nice fun group of people, and we all said how odd it feels to think of ourselves as college students. We don't feel old enough, or different enough, or something like that. It's also kinda weird to be here amongst all these classrooms and books and such and not actually have classes (they start the 31st). But it's good so far.

The first day really sucked, and I felt very lost and isolated, and the beginning of yesterday was the same, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I know that not everyone I'm hanging out with now will become a good friend, but at least I'll have acquantances. It's so nice to have people to talk to finally, and not to be walking around alone all the time.

My roommate and I unfortunately have nothing in common (she's loud, likes pink and soaps and the backstreet boys and r&b and she's really social), but she's also very considerate. I don't think we'll really spend any time together, but that's alright. As long as she doesn't puke on my bed and refuse to clean it up (like Jennie's old roommate), I'll be fine. A lot of people seem to be becoming really good friends with their roommates, but as long as I have some friends, I guess it doesn't matter who they are.

I can't believe I'm leaving. And I'm...not scared, that's not quite the right word...but...worried? I don't know. It's true that I've been impatiently waiting for college to come for years, but the reality of leaving is hitting me. I don't want to go back to high school. I don't really miss it.

But I miss my routines. I miss my friends. I miss my family (or some of them). I haven't even left yet, and I'm already missing things. I wish I had more time, but even that would just postpone the inevitable; I have to start making my own way sometime. I can't stay where I've been comfortable for the rest of my life. I will eventually have to leave people. So it doesn't matter as much that I'm leaving Wednesday instead of some hazy time in the future.

It still hurts though. I have so much to do, and I feel like I'm wasting time, but it's not like I can condense everything I want into the few days I have left. And there are still so many things I want right now.

Fuck, now I'm crying again.

Camp is over. I stayed two hours after camp ended with Kara and Angela and Kaitlin. We went up to Nature and helped Angela pack up, and Kara showed us her old camp pictures. It was surreal seeing John with hair, and seeing my sister with younger versions of Kara and Angela. Some of the pictures are over a decade old. Then Kara, Kaitlin, and I went up to the outdoor kitchen in Engleman so Kaitlin could make her mark and Kara could see what I wrote yesterday (she also added a bit of her own). I took a few pictures. It's sad, really. I just really met these people this year and I'm the only one who has a good chance to come back to camp. I really wish I had more time to get to know them (and others) as people. So much of camp socializing is just gripping about your kids and how much council sucks. I wish I had been there years ago when there were fewer moms and the camp director actually knew how to camp.

Kaitlin said she felt like she was moving. It does feel like that, probably because I am. Camp is such a part of me (for better or worse) that it's appropriate that the end of camp ends my time in this state (or closely precedes it, near enough). I've met so many good people at camp. Camp is where I really learned to start being myself. Camp is where I gained confidence and leadership skills. Camp is where I started making friends and asserting myself after some disasterous years in school. It's definitely not perfect, but I'll miss it.

On a different note...three years. But I haven't cut myself in almost four months, and it was a couple months before that one slipup. I think I might have stopped for good, at least, that's what I hope. I still think about it, but I've been pretty good at resisting the urge. It's still sad that I remember the date though...maybe I'll forget sometime.

camp
Last night was the staff overnight at Dewitt. There were supposed to be something like 16 or 17 people, but a lot of people didn't show up, and only six people stayed over (including Edy and my sister, who was just supposed to come for dinner). It was fun, though. We went joyriding in the the golf cart and Kara fell off the back (she was laughing). I lit tinfoil on fire (not my fault!) and we had marshmallows and honey bears. We also made soap (thank you Angela) with fake insects in them, which was fun. And Rita came, and spent the day with me today (Edy too). She was being picked up about half an hour after camp, so we walked up to Engleman outdoor kitchen and left some graffitti. I've never written anything there, and we wanted to write something together, so there are now a few more marks than there were before (including "liz and rita will haunt you forever" and something about cheesecake). It was awesome to look up and see everything other people had written. Some stuff is over a decade old.

So it was a nice day, even if I'm exhausted and dirty and need a shower. I'll miss camp. I might even come back.

I am leaving in a week and a half.

I won't see Rita or Brie or Katie or Jennie or anyone else that I care about right now for months at a time. I'm going to be hours away from anyone who knows or cares about me. I'm not going to be able to see the people I care about.

And I'm going to be put in new situations with no local support system, and I'd better suck it up because that's what life is about.

I am so scared, though. It's finally begun to settle in. I am so comfortable here, finally, and now it can't last. I know that I'm happy and excited in some other part of my brain, but right now I just feel terrified.

camp
I hate my group at camp. I really do. There are a few girls I don't mind, but on a whole, these girls are spoiled, bratty, and inconsiderate. Since we have an autistic girl, I was hoping that they'd be nice at least to her, but they're awful to anyone who is different.

But I'm still fairly happy. Working with Rita is really wonderful, and Ariel is cool too. Plus I'm really looking forward to sleeping over next week. Just about everyone I like is staying over (with the exception of the people who aren't 18 yet). It's my long-time dream (camp with no campers!) come to life, and it should be awesome. I do love camp sometimes, and I'll miss these people, so hopefully it will be as good as it sounds like it will be.

I am completely exhausted, but happy. Going to the park with Katie was nice. It was kinda funny how we went from holding hands, to having our arms together, to having arms over each other's shoulder's, to her having her hand in my pocket while my hand slowly slipped downward. And it was also kinda funny that we both work at a camp and spend our entire day outside, and then choose to spend our leisure time at a park.

And it's nice to be officially dating, instead of wondering what things mean while we just act like we're dating.

Camp was nice too. I have a good group, with lots of help and a cool program. I love having older groups, because they are so much more self-sufficient and you can do so many things other than just hang around the program center all day. And I'm looking forward to the overnights, because chances are good for sleeping under the stars. Kaitlin and I both want to, and it's nice enough out that we probably won't need shelters. Even working with Bobbie is okay, because she's busy most of the day and spends most of her time away from us, which frees Kaitlin and me to be silly and force our group to hike (yay).

what I'm doing this weekend
1) Going to the bank to deposit paychecks/cash a babysitting check.
2) Having lunch with Katie, hopefully watching "Saved" with her.
3) Going to my grandma's house to celebrate Mark's and my aunt's birthdays, and getting my laptop.
4) Sleeping.

And that's about it. The remainder of my time will be put to trying to convince my father to do things for me (engrave my name on my mess kit and silverwear so they don't get lost), having random thoughts about people, and agonizing about how I'm moving in a few weeks.

It's kinda funny, actually, how for years I've wanted nothing more than to leave this town and go to college and brand new people, and now I don't want to go. I've finally found a few decent people, and now I'm leaving them. It doesn't seem fair. I only have three weekends left, and then I'm gone. I will be back for over a month this winter...but everyone will probably be too busy for me, and it won't be the same.

haha
I just found a list I made of required qualities (and no-no's) for my perfect boy/girlfriend over a year ago:

"Must Have Qualities
1. Intelligence, if not necessarily school-smarts
2. Love of music
3. Appreciation of reading
4. Common sense
5. Sense of responsibility/duty
6. A conscience (and similar morals)
7. An open mind
8. Good additude
9. Sense of humor
10.Ability to put up with me

Must Not
1. Smoke
2. Habitually do things without thinking
3. Forget about promises
4. Be unfaithful
5. Habitually gossip cruely about others

And it would be nice if they had nice hair. But that's not necessary."

It's an interesting list, and I still agree with it still, I think. I actually forgot that I had made it.