Ramblings

Ramblings

:: 2005 25 July :: 6.42 pm
:: Mood: tired (in a not bad way)
:: Music: suzanne vega

I was talking to another leader at pool today. She's a bit older than me (by about 6 years, I think), and this is her first summer at camp, and she's overwhelmed. It was just us because our junior staff people were all on break.

She and I share a horrible school history. What's different is that for her physical bullying was more common. She actually had her ribs broken over a picnic table by a guy who threatened to kill her if she told anyone (she did, he was suspended). Her wrist was fractured by someone shutting it in a locker. People gave her concusions on multiple occasions. She's a really high belt in some martial art (I forget which one), but she says she never fought back because she knew she's get in trouble for it and she'd rather that they be the ones to get suspended (though she wishes she had on the rib thing).

I, on the other hand, faced mostly verbal harrassment, including being cursed at (back when cursing wasn't as common, we were young), told that I wasn't worth anything, and random taunting and teasing. I also had to deal with being taunted about being a lesbian (which I actually didn't think I was), people acting like I had a disease, and other stupid hurtful crap.

I think she had verbal harrassment too, but not as much as me (as it was more physical for her). We were talking about what's worse, and she says physical, but I'm not sure. If people say enough to you, you'll believe that you're not worth anything, and then you won't treat yourself with care. You'll hurt yourself while the other people don't lift a finger, and then you'll blame yourself for your hurts.

We both also had sexual harrassment, but by the time we started talking about this my junior counselor and aide were back. For me it was pretty mild, and restricted to middle school. Random guys would slap my ass, or put their arm over me, or sit in my lap. Guys would make fun of my boobs or fake asking me out. I was never raped or anything like that, though I know that it happens. I hope it was mild for her too.

The worst part about school bullying is when you're convinced that it's your fault. Teachers don't help and when you ask for it, you're told that you're doing something wrong. And even after you graduate, even after you leave and go to college and try having relationships and having a job, you still feel it. The person I was talking to today is as modest as I am, and as uncomfortable with people as me. She's SIX YEARS older, and that much more out of high school, and she's still dealing with stuff.

reflect

:: 2005 18 July :: 10.26 pm

depressions suck

as does guilt

and i have ample stores of both

reflect

:: 2005 15 July :: 9.23 pm

When I was ten or elevenish a new girl started riding on my bus. She was a year older than me, kinda big (not fat, just large enough to be taunted), and was staying at one of the welfare hotels near the end of my street. Since this town is pretty wealthy, her not having money was pretty apparent. I remember people teasing her all the time for wearing the same jeans everyday, for not having enough money, for being on welfare, for a million different things. I remember seeing her lip tremble once, and maybe a tear or two, but that was rare, and considering everything people put her through, she was really strong.

I wasn't really well liked, and I got teased a lot, and it bothered me and would make me cry. One day this girl stood up for me and yelled at everyone. Then she took me to the back of the bus (the bus was always kinda empty towards the end), and told me that she knew how I felt, but that I was better and not to let them cry. It hurt her too, she said, when people made fun of her for things she couldn't control, but she always did her best not to let it show. "Don't let them see you cry," I think she said, and she told me that I had to stand up for myself.

This was a while ago, but I still wonder what happened to her. She didn't go to the school long, and I never heard anything about her. I barely even remember what she looked like, I just remember that she cared enough to try and help me even though she didn't have to. It's probably corny, but I hope she's alright right now, and that she managed to make friends (a scare commodity for "people like her" in bburg at the time) and that she's happy. I don't know why I'm thinking about her today, but I am afraid that one day I'll forget the already hazy details I have of her in my head, because it's important, I think.

1 observation | reflect

:: 2005 13 July :: 10.46 pm
:: Mood: tired and not making sense

tired nonsense ramblings
I wonder how much people keep inside themselves. How many momentous events pass by without a whisper? How many slights and hurts do people keep without telling anyone, not a parent or a friend or a random person off the internet? Is keeping things inside a sign of strength, or does it betray a weakness?

And if events happened on semi-regular basis that affected you to the point that it made it hurt for you to function, why wouldn't you tell your parents, a friend, a therapist? And if you finally did tell people, does that mean you're weak? To have people suddenly know things that have been so important in your life, to wonder if they care or really understand?

I'm not sure what I would do. I do have things I haven't mentioned, probably because it's never ocurred to me that it has to be told. But all my major demons, all those things that happened forever ago but still make me hurt, have been shared, and I still have trouble dealing sometimes. How can people go their entire lives with secrets burning in them that they never share, and how many people actually do?

reflect

:: 2005 12 July :: 9.20 pm
:: Music: midtown

camp
I like my group at camp this week, for the most part. It's not too big (14, almost large but not quite), and I have plenty of help. But Alicia keeps having to have "talks" with me. First it was because one of my campers was being anti-social and sitting alone. She ASKED to sit alone, and seemed happy when I went over to talk to her. And this girl is different; I'm not sure if she's slow or extremely bright, but I just want her to do whatever makes her happiest. I did make sure she was sitting with other people today, but I'm not sure I'm a fan of forced socialization.

The next time Alicia had to have a talk iwth me, another one of my girls had stolen something from the clay instructor (apparently "she put it on the table" and "someone else" put in her backpack, but according to Alicia she has a history which is why her backpack was searched in the first place). It just makes me feel weird. I'm not supposed to talk about it to everyone, just to keep it in mind for the future (which is why I'm not writing her name). What am I supposed to do, check her bag everytime someone loses something? Alicia said I could have her do it if something got lost again...but gah. This girl is nine or ten, I really don't want to think she's dishonest or a klepto. She seems okay, a little starved for attention, but not a bad kid, and I hate that whenever I think of her now I immediately think "thief." Isn't she too young for that kind of label?

reflect

:: 2005 11 July :: 9.48 pm
:: Mood: vague
:: Music: midtown

because i should
everytime i try to write something, i come up with empty words that i've already written a million times before. everytime i try to make something, it feels flat and uninspired. i talk to people, but i don't say anything new or noteworthy. i do the same thing day after day, same routines, same procrastination, same junk building up in my room because i don't feel like dealing with it.

i went outside and spent an hour with beads today, just to *do* something. i made something i've made a dozen times before, but i felt better, at least for a bit. now there's nothing to do and i can't motivate myself to do anything.

katie said to make lists, but my dreams and desires haven't changed. i'm not exactly meeting tons of people this summer to lust over (alanna and nissa are pretty, that's about it), i'm not going anywhere, i'm not doing anything i haven't already done. i wrote for awhile today, just for something to be doing, but it wasn't even fun, and even five pages later i felt empty and unfufilled.

i don't understand depressions. i know i get in them, and i know i'm in one now, but i don't know how or why i got here. and if i could only muster the motivation, i'd be happy...but it's so much work and it's so much easier to be vague.

(which makes everything my fault. which would explain why i don't like myself. which would explain why i keep getting into this fucking cycle...now to get out of it?)

reflect

:: 2005 8 July :: 10.16 pm

bad habits continued
Oh, and why is it that I'm fairly contentish at the moment, I've graduated high school and never have to go back, I'm working with friends...and it's only now that I'm beginning to obsess in my head about cutting again. Things work out...and I get depressed? Why do I bother?

reflect

:: 2005 8 July :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: rambling
:: Music: weezer

bad habits
I never really got to know most of the people I went to school with. I didn't really care to, for various reasons. But I was just looking up a bunch of these people on myspace and reading some of what they had to write, and it's interesting. Didn't really blow my mind, or anything like that. But it makes me regretful that I wasn't actually friends with these people. I could join myspace tomorrow and have maybe two friends on it (maybe just one, I think rita deleted her account). These people have a gagillion. And I'm not sure what's better. I like having a few people I can count on; I don't need a bunch of empty acquiantances. The closest I've ever been to being popular is camp, and it's not like I can actually talk to almost any of these people about really important things. But then being so attatched to just a few people is bad, because if I lose them I'm completely alone.

Oh well, I've just been thinking about stuff alot. Maybe if I analyze stuff enough in my head I'll figure out how to be happy (if I want to be happy, I'm beginning to think that happiness is a bit uncomfortable).

reflect

:: 2005 3 July :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: upset

Jennie and I were verbally sparring in front of our mother, who was convinced Jen was being "mean." She wasn't, not really, especially as I was provoking her, and we both knew it.

But then she had to make some stupid comment about "this thing, called being bipolar, where you get all antisocial, like you not wanting to socialize with your classmates, and then you get really manic, like you, talking all the time and not shutting up..." and I started crying.

I hate crying. I don't know why I do it. And she has no clue why that comment would upset me. It's not like I have any reason to doubt my mental stability, of course not. And then she kept "apologizing," but in this stupid baby voice that made it clear she thought I was stupid for being upset, and she apparently thought I was mad at her for what we had being verbally sparring over.

It's really no wonder why I don't tell my family more things, when things get misunderstood so badly.

reflect

:: 2005 28 June :: 9.11 pm
:: Music: the doors

camp
It's begun. It's funny to think how seamlessly I've transitioned to camp from school. I did almost turn the wrong way on my way to camp today, but it already feels like I've been out of school for eons. I got my report card today, and I don't even really care that I had a 4.0.

As for camp itself, I'm tired. I'm doing Camp Aide B, so I'm helping teach 13 and 14 year old girls how to be staff people. It's tiring; we have no free time and there's far too much to do. Plus we have 16 girls and only me and Katlin (19 year old leader) to keep them in line. It's cool, because Rita's in Camp Aide A, but we seem to spend all of our time striving to complete one more item on our to-do list. And we have an overnight Thursday, so I'll be at camp for two days straight.

It's not bad, and I'm happily anticipating my paycheck, but I still wish I had a smaller, less active group.

reflect

:: 2005 24 June :: 8.38 pm

I graduated.

I stood alone at the beginning, when everyone milled around, excited, talking about how the caps barely fit and how a bunch of people got into car accidents and that they were going to go to so-and-so's party tomorrow night.

I watched people line up to receive their diplomas, watching people I didn't recognize go up.

I walked aimlessly around the happy crowd of graduates, saw other people hug and cry and exchange looks of happiness.

I found Susan and wished her well, gave Mrs. G a hug and cried, got found by Ed and received a handshake (he'll see me in office, he says).

And I looked for Stina, but gave up and went to Katie.

When I was leaving, Stina found me and gave me a hug and told me that she'd call me over the summer and we could have lunch. I hadn't even made eye contact with her during practice, though I could have found her if I wanted to. I don't think I'll ever see her again, not really.

I feel regret...but hope that someday I'll be at another graduation and I'll actually be a part of something.

reflect

:: 2005 24 June :: 2.31 pm

1) I'm graduating tonight.
2) I'm not wearing my ring right now. I always wear my ring, and it feels weird not to wear it. I think it's upstairs.
3) I just had a conversation with an extremely motivated person and now I feel like a slacker for "settling" for Goucher.
4) I miss Stina. And Barrett. And Jennie P. And Katie S. And all those other people I used to be friends with.
5) I'm having bad dreams again, but I'll wake up and not really remember them. Also having trouble sleeping again...no clue why because things are fine.
6) Excuse my typical teen grievance...but I want a girlfriend! Or boyfriend, I suppose. I can pretend that I'm happy on my own, need a man like a fish needs a bicycle, all that...but I don't want to be alone forever.
7) There are people in my class I don't recognize after four years. And I've noticed that I'm not the only one who is hanging out mostly by themselves at grad practice...and I feel regretful that I never got to meet these other people.
8) Camp starts Monday.
9) The most fun part of my day today was visiting the daycare center and talking to Sasha and other people, even though I'm not sure Sasha and I have anything in common. She looks so young to me now, and she's only two years younger; she'll be driving later this year (she already has a permit).

reflect

:: 2005 15 June :: 9.15 pm
:: Music: The Get Up Kids

school ending
Well...there's one day of class left. I have my yearbook, and five different reminders written on my hand about things I have to do tomorrow and five million different emotions in my head. Anger, sadness, regret, anticipation, relief, anxiety, fear, happiness, etc.

I wish that I had made more of high school. I watch people laugh and sign yearbooks and reminsce as I read my book and pretend the orange yearbook in my bag doesn't exist. Part of me is happy to not be in the middle of all of it, to not have the personal connections with these people I sometimes wanted. But another part of me is regretful that I've always been apart. It's natural to want to belong, and I never have.

And now that I'm finally starting to open a little, to feel more free and easier with others, I'm leaving. I told someone that I was bi today. We were walking on the track, in full hearing of a few other people. She didn't have a problem with it, I knew she wouldn't, but it didn't fit with the image she has of me in her head. That saddens me, a bit, that so few people have an accurate idea of who I am, even if that is my fault for being so private.

My sister was talking yesterday about how what I'm doing right now as a young person is basically practice for the rest of my life when I reach my full maturity. She said a bunch of other stuff, too, but that's what resonated with me, for some reason. I do feel like I'm practicing right now. Everytime I come out it will get easier. Everytime I stand up for myself it will get easier. And, eventually, maybe things won't hurt so much.

reflect

:: 2005 6 June :: 8.01 pm
:: Mood: amused

My mother is sometimes very funny without meaning to be. Like when she decides my mp3 player is called a "mtv player" and is a largish blinking black object that sits next to the computer (actually known as the modem for our cable internet).

It would be more amusing if she didn't yell at me about my "MTV player" being on (it doesn't turn off!) in retaliation for me telling her she had to turn off the computer during the thunderstorm this afternoon. And if we haven't been quietly and civilly fighting for a bit now (not quiet fighting, I guess, just her saying the exact wrong things and me acting chilly in response). Oh well.

reflect

:: 2005 5 June :: 9.11 pm

rant
I always do things wrong.
I always react innapropriately.
I never know what to say.
I always create long awkward silences.
I always make mistakes.

And everything I do wrong gets entered into a list in my head. I can't forget anything. And, eventually, I bring it out on myself. Stupid scars, in more ways than one. I know it's my responsibility to like myself first, but I can't. And it's all my fault. I have to stop being like this, but I don't know how, and I hate it more than I can express. I'm stuck, and I wish I could stop doing these things. I understand why I annoy other people, why other people might not want to be around me, and I don't even know how I've managed to have any friends at all.

And writing this entry is just another stupid self-pity angst example, but I don't care because I just feel like doing something stupid to myself and I promised myself I wouldn't and I need to get this out before I explode.

gah

reflect