Alone

:: 2005 21 March :: 2.20pm

i miss all you guys from bentworth!

:: 2005 10 March :: 10.40am
:: Mood: moody

Today is my last day at Bentworth Highschool.

new house number for friends: 745-3133
and I still have my cell phone: 986-1260

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2005 9 March :: 10.31am
:: Mood: blah

Sorry I haven't been commenting on anyones journal, I will return soon when I get a new computer because the fire trashed mine.

Awww.. I finially saw my new house with all the furniture in it.. it's really cute. I'm doing my bathroom in lime green, and my bedroom I'm not sure yet.. but the whole house is "tropical" theme, except for my bedroom/bathroom/huge closet, and my sisters bedroom. This Saturday when all my BUDS come over I hope my bestest BUD BECKY, can bring her digital camera so I can take some pictures to post them on my journal so everyone can see my house, because it's so rad.

Today is going so slow, we're only in 4th period. I'm going shopping with my Mom tonight to get some decor for my room and bathroom. Also a new crib for Gabrielle.. because her's is in the dumpster.

:: 2005 8 March :: 10.24am
:: Mood: apathetic

Yesterday I came to school and Mrs. Downing [guidance counsler] called me into her office.. I guess her and the other guidance counsler [I forget her name.] got me an exersaucer for Gabrielle. I was tearing up.. so I have to pick that up soon.

Girls- party at my new house this weekend.. you know who you are! Bring your sleeping bag/pillow because I don't really have any. I'll give you directions, don't worry!!

:: 2005 7 March :: 10.11am
:: Mood: cranky

Yesterday we went down to the house to get what we could out.. we worked from 11:00 in the morning until about 7:00 at night.

All of my mom &Georges friends, and Matts friends come out.. none of our family really helped us except for my Uncle Don.

Our furniture will be in our new house today.. we're all moving in this week. New school next week.

:: 2005 2 March :: 7.36pm
:: Mood: distressed

So we've been staying at the Spring Hill Suite in Washinton by Wal*Mart for about the past week..I just came out my Aunt Loraine and Uncle Dons for the next two weeks until we can move into our new townhouse in Cannonsburg.. it's like a little community of townhouses called Southpoint or something like that- it's right by a golf course. We can actually move in this weekend.. but I told my mom that I wanted to wait another week to make sure that I was caught up in everything. So I'll be going to Cannon Mac.. I don't really want to move. Okay, I really don't want to move. But what can you do if your house catches on fire? It's a really nice house. My room will be the "loft" with a huge closet that will fit Gabrielles crib/dresser in, and my own bathroom. That is definitely awesome. Not this weekend, but next weekend- party at the new house! haha, definitely.

So everyones been giving me baby clothes, I swear Gabrielle has more clothes that anyone can imagine.. she has more clothes than what she has before- but I don't really need clothes, I need toys and a highchair.. all the expensive things. My Aunt Loraines office chipped in and gave her $100 dollars to buy a playpen/highchair.. which was really sweet. Everyones buying her clothes, and giving me some really cute used ones.. they look like brand new. I went shopping, I got a few things. Nothing will ever replace some of the clothes I had. But we're slowly getting our lives back together.

Everyones asking me "Is everything okay?" Yeah, everything's fine- I lost my house, everything in it, but yeah. Great. Lol, I guess I'd do the same thing if someone elses house caught on fire.. so I really shouldn't say anything. Already there are rumors that I'm moving to California?? Okay, no, I'm not moving to Cali. Sorry.. can't get rid of me that easily! [BECKY!] haha.

Thanks to my friends who are also helping.. you know who you are- I don't have to name names. I love you girls. I couldn't do it without you.

5 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2005 24 February :: 2.56pm

Well, as some of you might have heard.. yes, my house did catch on fire. Everyone got out except my dog Zeus, and my bird Corona. Please pray for them, because we loved them just as much as we loved anyone in our family.

It still hurts to bring all this up, but I wanted to write it down as soon as I could, not for anyone else, but formyself.

My mom woke me up two nights ago, she turned my lights on in my room. My first thoughts before she said anything was "Oh God, she's been drinking- I'm going to KILL her for waking Gabrielle up." It was a Monday night, so I was in bed for school. I remember this all so clearly because I felt as though our lives were ending, this all happened in a few seconds but it seemed so much longer to me. My Mom started screaming "FIRE, FIRE, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE." The only thing I could think of was to get Gabrielle out of the house. I didn't think about taking anything with me, I just automaticly got my comforter off of my bed, grabbed Gabrielle and got out of the house . My Mom got my sisters, they were right behind me. It took her a few minutes to wake Anna up, she must have been in such a deep sleep. I remember as I was running through the house that George was running for the sink to get water to try to put it out, but our water was out so that idea was shot. I found out later that he also tried to find a fire extinguisher.. but couldn't. My Mom wouldn't come out of the house, she was trying to save Corona, see heres where it gets kind of messed up. I remember running out of the house, Samantha was in front of me. I told her to take Gabrielle and to go up Aunt Loraines-- but then I changed my mind and took Gabrielle back into the house. [I know, that was stupid.] I started calling for Zeus, but he didn't come.. George started screaming at me and Mom to get out of the house because the fire was really starting to get terrible and the smoke; you could hardley breathe. So I ran up my Aunt Loraines and Uncle Dons, my sisters were already up there.. then I could hear George screaming for help because my Mom wouldn't come out of the house. She was in like total shock. My uncle Don ran down to help, while I called 911. I swear to God it took them like 20 minutes to get there while I just watched my house go up in flames. In all that time my Mom was screaming and making it worse for my little sisters, especially Anna. Gabrielle was up, but she was laying in my Aunt Loraines room. I just kept saying that everything would be okay, and the animals were doing great. But it never really sank in that the house was on fire until I saw the flames that came out of the roof. I just started crying. I cried for about 10 minutes straight. Jim showed up about 4:00 AM. [This all started at 3:00 AM] I just cried on his shoulder for a couple minutes. Our house was just going up in flames, the fire fighters couldn't even get through the front door because of all the smoke. It took them about an hour to just get the fire under control, and even when they did leave, people just kept coming and coming. We had the parametics check everyone out, everyone was okay. Then Red Cross came, and they gave us $680 for clothes, $500 for food and until Monday we have 2 rooms at the Red Roof Inn [where I'm at now.] Jim left around 7:30 AM.. I tried to sleep but in the end I just kept remembering everything and it just like haunted me. Around 8:00 my Mom and I went down to look at the house. Oh my God. You can't even image how much damage is actually done. The fire started in our back computer/office room. It was an electrical problem that started the fire. In the end we lost everything in the computer/office room, everything in our laundry room [which included almost all of my Mom, Georges, Sam and Annas clothes] our dog Zeus, our bird Corona, and everything else in the house is basicly ruined because of smoke damage.. I can't use anything of Gabrielles because the smoke/ashes are toxic to babies. All of my clothes are ruined to unless we get them dry cleaned- which isn't worth it. All my purses, coats, hats, scarves, boyyds bear collection, basicly like I said everything we can't use. We are going back to the house tomorrow to salvage what we can.. which will be very limited. But already people are giving money, clothes, food to us to help us out. We've been here for a day now.. I don't know when I'm going back to school. Hopefully never. It's to depressing.. I don't even have anything anymore. I have nothing.

I'll update when I can.. I'm on the laptop that George brought in from the Sand Bar, so I won't be online.
The number for my room: 228.5750 EXT. 227

Thank you to the fire fighters who risked their lives to save our house, the parametics who made sure we were okay, Red Cross who gave us money for clothes, food, and somewhere to stay, my Mom and Georges friends Tom &Mary Lou and Terry &Karen, Annas Girl Scout leaders Kelly &Kristy, Jim and his mom Donna and our whole family.. we couldn't do it without you.

9 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2005 22 February :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: bored

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think Im happy but Im not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You dont know what its like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when your down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no ones there to save you
No you dont know what its like
Welcome to my life

Uhhhhhh.. welcome to everybodys life.

:: 2005 21 February :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: petey pablo - raise uppppp

Well, I really just have 2 things to say in this entry.

1. I do not think it is fair to people like me, that everyone takes things out of my AIM info. I do not do it to you, so I expect the same respect.

2. It bothers me that people can't make their own layout for their journal. I guess I just like the fact that I am creative enough to think of the ones that I do. No, I'm not trying to say that I'm better than anyone- I know a lot of people who do much better layouts in their journals. But it just bothers me that some people just copy/paste pre-made layouts into their journals.

Okay, that's all. Good night.

:: 2005 21 February :: 9.14am
:: Mood: sleepy

Fill in the parentheses
Y - Yes
N - No
O - Of course (obviously)
* - Already have done it

( ) go out with me?
( ) hold my hand?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) play an SM scene with me?
( ) watch a movie with me... even a really sappy one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
( ) dance with me in the rain with no music?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions

Do this or you will make me cry.
People that don't have a journal
and read my journal, leave
an anonymous comment.
DO IT!

8 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2005 20 February :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: unloved

I just want you to love me.
I just want you to care.

:: 2005 20 February :: 11.35am
:: Mood: apathetic

5 senses survey
�� eyes
1% : what color are your eyes? brown
2% : what color were they when you were born? brown
3% : what color are your lashes? brown/black
4% : do you have bigger pupils than others or smaller? no
5% : have you ever counted the number of times you blink in a second? no
6% : do you wear contacts? no
7% : do you wear glasses? yesssssss ;)
8% : did you ever have eye surgery? no
9% : what was the last thing that poked you in the eye? my finger
10% : can you touch your eyes without finching or does it just gross you out? grosses me outttt
11% : how often do you look into people's eyes when you talk? all the time
12% : what's your favorite eye color?: dark brown
13% : do you ever just go up to someone and look into their eyes because you want to know their eye color? haha yeah
14% : do you wear sunglasses often? nope
15% : what eye color do you wish you had? I like my eye color
16% : can you cross your eyes? yep
17% : do you roll your eyes constantly? no
18% : what's your favorite color? (yes, your favorite color to look at): green
19% : what's the prettiest season and why? fall, the leaves
20% : who's the hottest or cutest person you ever saw? JIM!
21% : what was the last thing you read (bookwise)? A Child Called It
22% : who was the last person you wanted to see? Jim
23% : what was the last thing you watched on tv? Law and Order
24% : do you read the newspaper much? nope
25% : do you read magazines much? not really
26% : do you read much in general? when I have time
27% : what's the first thing you see if you look over and past your computer screen? papers
28% : did you ever see it hailing? yes
29% : don't you hate it when you have sleep in your eyes (like the crusty crap)? lmao, ewwww. yeahhh
30% : close your eyes. (after you read the whole question, dumbie) are there lights still in your lids in with the dark? uhh.. yeah
31% : can you sleep with a light on? a LITTLE light
32% : how light is it outside? very light
33% : can you roll your eyes into the back of your head? not all the way, no

�� ears
1% : do you like your ears? sure, why not
2% : do have them pierced? yes
3% : how many times? 1
4% : what's your favorite sound? music
5% : what's the worst noise in the world? someone annoying talking
6% : are you listening to any music? if so, what song is it? yeah, but I don't know what it's called
7% : what do you hear around you? just the music
8% : what's your favorite song? staind - home
9% : can you wiggle your ears? no
10% : when was the last night you stuck your fingers in your ears so you couldn't hear something and why? I honestly don't know
11% : do your ears have attached lopes or unattached? attached. haha
12% : do your ears get red when your embarassed or any other emotion roars through your body? nope, not that I know of
13% : what was the last thing someone said to you? "bye"
14% : is it annoying to get that ringing noise in there? yes
15% : do you hear voices? no
16% : what was the last thing you heard that you rather didn't? eww.. people having seXXX
17% : what was the last thing you wanted to hear, but never heard it? "I appriciate you Jena"
18% : what was the last piece of advice you were given? "Always follow the speed limit" hahaha
19% : did you ever put a rubber band around your ear? no
20% : go and open the door to outside and what's the first thing you hear? no thanks, it's cold

�� mouth
1% : do you ever stop talking? no, I really don't
2% : who did you talk to last? Jim
3% : what was the last thing you said? "love you, bye"
4% : did you brush your teeth today? yesss
5% : how many times to you usually? 2
6% : who are you talking with now? no one
7% : who do you wish you were talking to? Jim
8% : who was the last person to call you? Jim
9% : who was the last person you called? my Aunt Loraine
10% : who was the last person to IM you? Becky
11% : who was the last person you IMed? Becky
12% : do you talk to yourself? yeah
13% : do you mind? no
14% : as the stupidest thing you said in the past 48 hours? too many things, I say stupid things everyday 3495830945 times a day
15% : do you sing? hell yesss
16% : do you sing in the shower? yep
17% : do you sing in public? not really
18% : do you hum or sing while walking down the halls? (applies to students) haha yes
19% : are you outspoken? I think so
20% : are you opinionated? most definitely
21% : do you speak your mind? Yes
22% : how often do people tell you to shut up, jokingly or not? all the time
23% : are you a public speaker type? no
24% : do you stutter? yes
25% : how many languages do you speak? just English
26% : how often do you scream? quite a lot
27% : are you loud or quiet? LOUD!
28% : does your mouth reflect your personality on the inside? no
29% : who has the coolest/sweetest voice? I don't know
30% : how do you get your voice heard and ideas out? yell
31% : do you often write letters? yes
32% : what was the last song you sung to? "happy birthday" to AMY
33% : what's your usual greeting to a friend? 'hey'
34% : what's your usual greeting to an adult? 'hey'
35% : what's your usual greeting on the phone? 'hello'
36% : what's your favorite food? pizza
37% : what's your favorite gum? EXTRA POLAR ICE
38% : what's your favortie word? 'DEFINITELY'
39% : what's your favorite drink? orange juice
40% : is your tongue pierced? nope
41% : do you like tongue piercings? yess
42% : how about lip piercings? no
43% : ever have braces, how long? yes I have had them.. a year I guess? I don't really remember
44% : do you have a retainer, for how long? yes, I don't know
45% : can you curl your tongue? no
46% : can you whistle, on inhale or exhale? uhhh both
47% : do you grind your teeth? nope
48% : did you have your first kiss yet and with who? yes, with Brian
49% : did you ever french? lmao yes
50% : how many people have you ever kissed, cheek or lips, etc? too many to count ;) haha
51% : off the kissing subject already... did you ever have a filling? yes
52% : if so, how many? no clue
53% : how many cavities? no clue
54% : are you a lipgloss addict? nope
55% : how about chapstick? not really
56% : do you like the dentist? who does?
57% : do you have all four wisdom teeth? no
58% : ever have any teeth pulled? no
59% : how about a root canal? noooo
60% : go to a mirror and count how many teeth you have. how many? lmao, yeahhh right
61% : did you lose all your baby teeth yet? yes
62% : if not, how many to go? ..
63% : what was the last thing you ate? Samoa GS cookies
64% : current taste? nothing
65% : do you bite? WHOA. !%$?!
66% : how often do you snap at people? haha all the time
67% : are your teeth straight? uhhh.. most of them
68% : can you flip you tongue over? no
69% : can you snap your tongue really loud? not loudly, no
70% : can you pop your lips? no

�� nose
1% : is your nose pierced? no
2% : do you like pierced noses? no
3% : current scent?Suave Apple or something
4% : no coke sniffing, right? no
5% : what about pixi stix up the nose ever? uhh.. no
6% : do you hold your nose to swim? lmao, no
7% : can you flare your nostrials? yessss
8% : do you have freckles on the bridge of your nose? no
9% : do you think your nose is big or small? big
10% : do you pick it sometimes? (be honest): haha, yes
11% : do you push your nose to keep your balance? ..no
12% : what's the worst scent? ZEUS'S FARTS!!! lmao!
13% : what's the best scent? Jims cologne
14% : what deodorent do you use? Teen Spirit, baby
15% : what's your favorite cologne? I dunno what it's called.. but Jims
16% : what's your favorite perfume? don't wear it, don't know
17% : what do you use? none
18% : does scent matter in the opposite sex (not as in they shower or not but their cologne or perfume)? yessssssssssssss!
19% : do you blow your nose in public? nope
20% : look around. find a random thing and and smell it. describe it's scent. and then say what it was. I PICKED::::: STICK GLUE! and it smelled like.. STICK GLUE! amazing.

�� touch
1% : what does you keyboard feel like? a keyboard.. omg, it turns me on. lmfao- wtf??
2% : what's the best feeling in the world (emotionally)? love
3% : what's the best feeling in the world (physically)? having sex. haha
4% : what's the worst feeling in the world (emotionally)? love
5% : what's the worst feeling in the world (physically)? being slapped
6% : what do your feet feel like at the moment? tired
7% : what do you hands feel like at the moment? cold
8% : what does your head feel like at the moment? aching
9% : what does your blatter feel like, especially after this? I really do have to pee
10% : what do your legs feel like at the moment? one is tingling..
11% : what do your shoulders and arms feel like at the moment? nothing really
12% : what does your butt feel like at the moment? falling asleep
13% : what does your neck feel like at the moment? tense
14% : are you cold? yes
15% : are you comfortable? not really
16% : where are you? in my room
17% : who was the last person you hugged? Jim
18% : who was the last person that pushed you? Jim
19% : who was the last person that you pushed? Jim
20% : when was the last time you fell over? last night
21% : does music calm you and your nerves? sometimes
22% : if not, then what makes you chill? ..
23% : what stresses you out? everything
24% : when was the last time you touched a doorknob? about 10 minutes ago
25% : do you crack your knuckles? yes
26% : what's your current emotion? TIRED
27% : ever think you were in love? yes
28% : how many times have you fallen for the opposite sex? a lot
29% : what's the worst season (in feeling wise of course)? winter?
30% : how do you feel now, after that long survey? bored. thankful it's over.

Tw1st3dxDr3ams (12:18:37 PM): I appreciate you Jena.

Burned Out

:: 2005 20 February :: 12.09am
:: Mood: crazy

vanished x heart (12:09:21 AM): well, we're another year older. we better start whippin' out our walkers and scheduling what time we go to mcdonalds and have coffee together every morning around 5am, then our bingo nights.
xxx jena says (12:09:33 AM): lmao

Haha, I love you!!!

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY AMY!!!!! �

:: 2005 19 February :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: content

So a lot went on this weekend. Because I'm so cool that is.

When I got home from school Friday at like 11:30, my cousins boyfriend Mike took me to Wal*Mart, I drove [[yeah, definitely cool.]] Then I got home and Amy came to pick me up we went to her house then everyone got there for her party.. lmao, Jake don't tell her you came! Oh the drama, pranking people. Def. Always get a kick outta that. haha. We chilled, Jim came up and then we all watched some movies, ate pizza/cake, opened presents, then watched some more movies. Jim left around 12:30-1:00 I think. It was really nice 'cause I got to see my friends, and my baby at the same time. I left Gabrielle at home with my Aunt Loraine.

The next day I woke up at like 10:00, I have like an automatic wake-up system or something. I don't know. But anyways, we all woke up around 11:00, ate and I went down Jims around 1:00. Randis Mom gave me a ride down because it was really cold outside. I got down there and we just chilled. :-P

My Aunt Loraine came to pick me up around 8:30-9:00. Then I came home ate pizza up there, then came home around 10:00, got online and then came home. Whoa, exciting.

:: 2005 17 February :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: confused

So I haven't written in a few days.. nothing has really been going on. I've been taking PSSAs, I went to school late yesterday, and the whole "Secret Room" at Bentworth.. I'm failing Geometery, Accounting and who knows what else. Do I care? No. I'm looking into cyber school, my mom called and we're waiting for the lady to call me back. Jesus, I'd wish she'd call back already. Well, I can't do anything but wait.

We get a half day tomorrow because of Act 80 day or whatever, I'm not really sure- nor do I care. As long as we get off. We also have Monday off, which is awesome. Except for the fact that I have to watch my sisters, so I can't really do anything.

Tomorrow when I get home from school around noon my cousin Bridg is taking me to Wal*Mart, to get some things for Gab.. then after that I'm coming home watching my sisters then I have I'm going with my Aunt Loraine and Gram to the mall, then if I can get a ride I'm going to Amys birthday party.. weeeee. She called me tonight and wanted to know if she wanted her to pick me up- but she couldn't because I had to watch my sisters 'til six, but I dunno she got mad because I was coming to her party late. *sorry, not my fault Aim* So I need to find a ride. Becky isn't coming, the thing for her Gram is tomorrow. *hugs* love you babe!

Out of everyone in my school that's had a baby, I'm the only one that's had a girl. Hmmm, cool. *random*

I dunno, I came home and crashed today. I get so tired I can't even help it- school takes everything out of me and I don't have anything left when I get home. So I feel terrible that I don't spend time with Gabrielle. There just isn't enough time in the day to do what I want.. I feel like I'm not a good mother because of it. I don't know, I'm just insecure about some things I guess.

Jim and I are going to see the school play on Feb. 25. **Jims 20th birthday!** Just thought I should inform everyone.

Well, this was another useless entry. I'm calling Jim and heading to bed- night.

1 Candle | Burned Out