|
aaron
|
::
2010 8 December :: 9.42pm
Goddamn it I could just burn this whole journal and tell you my life is beautiful and maybe that would make some sense.
The beauty in the world I chase so hard chases back.
2 Read |
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2010 8 December :: 9.33pm
The funny thing is, whether it was learning an indigenous language on a mountain thousands of miles, or here at my desk writing philosophy, or napping with her on the couch...
now I'm just lost in the music. Haha, look at me go. Here we go?
Don't suppose I'm as crude of an instrument as I look, there's something very elegant going on here. We may be social dinosaurs, and maybe you don't believe in these sorts of dinosaurs, but I like to think they existed. If they didn't, then this isn't old fashioned, it's revolutionary.
On second thought, it's a revolution anyway. In my private little world, it's a revolution. I imagine it would be in yours, too.
Be balanced, but not compromised. Of course of course of course live this fiercely. Dive in.
And if the music is what makes the feeling, there's always people making more music.
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2010 8 December :: 9.30pm
I have existed twice and all at once.
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2010 29 September :: 6.06pm
:: Music: ratatat
bah
bahbah
bahbah
desert eagle and coffee.
folding and unfolding. something like origami flowers. can\\
sleeping in peace, sleeping cause you can't drown and feel this good.
buh
buhshickshicka. noisy drum noises.
There was a moment, 7 years ago, just like this, where something began.
See them? At first I thought it was snowing. Now I see it never mattered how scared I was, how small I was, or how hard the Leviathan fought to keep me back.
Like the Mobius strip, life only appears to go in a straight line if you're in it.
There was a moment 7 years ago. I could never have known how beautiful this is.
I can't tell you the future, and I can't decide who anyone else is. I'm sometimes not sure I can even know who anyone else is.
But I know who I am, and I can choose who I am, and if that has anything to do with the future, I can choose some piece of that, too.
A little girl pushes on the oar.
Grandpa pushes too. And that's how miracles happen.
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2010 19 September :: 6.00pm
My life is beautiful.
The dichotomy here is that I'm inclined to say something I know isn't true. So let's call it a feeling, not a thought
but
They can call me pretentious, I don't really mind. The meek and meager inherit the Earth, and the bold and reckless inherit the sky.
Mostly just love so powerful that when strikes me I could forget my own name. And finally a world of people who know what that means.
Oh, for the record: I really love that girl.
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2009 8 December :: 9.22pm
I feel good. Rough around the edges, but things are changing. Maybe it's thinking back to the things that mattered before this weird fog. Maybe it's the major key playing in the stereo.
Most people get out- I know that I need to break out and shine anyway.
I'm carrying this belief that if I go, I'll fuck it up- that the new people won't like me, that I won't succeed in the new place.
All of that is juvenile- this place started as passion and a way with words. All the pretentious anti-personal anti-poetry came later.
My roots as a person are the things that I can't make sense out of.
Maybe I should let myself acknowledge how foreign all of the rest is to me right now.
I can't breathe, but there's a big smile on my face anyway.
"But the oranges just sit there and never ripen!"
"Stalinist fruit."
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2009 8 December :: 9.19pm
"This is what I'm learning from this trip; I need friends, true friends, talk deeply, laugh deeply friends. And I need self-control. I need to not get away from myself or my best intentions. And I need to really live, really connect, really be human. Really.
I need to love, really. That's important. I need to be as human as I can without being human at everyone else's expense."
June 21st, 2009
How do people loose sight of moments like these?
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2009 7 October :: 11.45am
Those are the things that stun me.
Life has so much continuity, it gives me goose bumps.
Write
|
|
aaron
|
::
2009 17 September :: 3.56pm
I was there. I took the step, I bridged the gap.
I'm still afraid, and I'm still dodging my best intentions, letting myself get away from myself.
I know who I am. He's not just coming into view, but exploding into Technicolor.
This is without system or method- I know that's hard for people to understand. Everyone feels abandoned by me, but it's not abandonment. It's just a newer (older?) me.
And this is deep. A lot deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Quiet, calm, almost still- but the vibrancy is undeniable and inescapable. I've always been afraid I would lose it, but I think it's been chasing me all along.
He's there, but he's very different than I expected. I expected either loud or quiet, fun or solemn. I expected him to fit.
And it's ironic. What I realized was how bad I need people, and what I did was ignore all of them.
I feel awful- but it's just begun.
And she's right, haahaha. She's got us pegged. I wonder if they all accept that better than I realized? They don't protest.
I never knew as much as I thought. But this is freedom, and I like it a little better.
1 Read |
Write
|
redefinedgrace
|
::
2009 27 June :: 6.01pm
On following God's will...
"This process makes me think of a cross-country runner. Getting to the point where it's enjoyable to run requires the runner to work and do things that may not be easy. But when the runner is in great shape, it is a true joy to run. Likewise, once we start down the path of doing the work God calls us to do, we find great joy in doing it."
1 Read |
Write
|
|