redefinedgrace
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2008 11 November :: 2.20pm
Happy 5 year birthday old journal.
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aaron
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2008 31 October :: 12.18am
And so she limps back into port.
Why the hell am I not doing my homework?
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redefinedgrace
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2008 22 October :: 6.20pm
:: Music: Read My Mind // The Killers
We talked for like three days and then all of a sudden crickets.
What the hell happened?
What did I do?
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aaron
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2008 12 October :: 9.48pm
The cynicism that wants to say I'm just chasing memories is dying away. I'm not, and what would it even matter if I was?
I can't be too concerned with this. I just need the emotional detox from time to time. It's a way out of myself and into something else.
I'm exhausted.
Every time I launch down one of these intellectual tangents I find myself back in this place. Answerless.
I'm not an academic, God forbid I should ever be. What a worthless, pitiful, miserable waste of life. Do I want to spend the rest of my days comforting myself with the illusion that by faking omniscience and judging others I'm some how pushing the progress of humanity? Fifty thousand years of human experience and all we've managed to "progress" to is some fancy gadgets and the undermining of moral uniformity. What do we award people Nobel prizes for again?
We have not changed. We will not change. Unless we evolve into something else (which we won't, thankfully, because the general public doesn't look favorably on social Darwinism) we will never move past our shadow.
I refuse (and please, please hold me to this) to devote my life to figuring anything out. I'm not God, I don't want to be. I just want to love people. That's all. Love God, love people, and that's it. That's all I've got left in me.
I've exhausted my ability to understand. I'm done with the books and the debates. I'm done with academia. I don't care. I don't care because I don't understand, and I don't care because I don't think anyone else understands either.
Lewis got to a point where he said, "I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived."
I have been so blindingly afraid of coming to that point because it seems illegitimate, even scandalous for and eighteen year old of a mediocre intellect to make the same claims as one of the twentieth century's philosophical giants made, much less at the end of his life.
Nonetheless, here I stand. I haven't any answers. I don't want answers, I want life. I want love. I'm done with this philosophical wall-flowering. I don't want an outside perspective, an objective view. I want to be in the thick of it, and know it first hand. I don't think there is any teacher more legitimate than experience, and experience is not objective.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 10.50pm
And maybe, on that note, it's better not to make a big deal out of all this. This isn't a revelation, it's a return to normalcy. It's not an addition, it's just putting it all back together. And nothing's different, it's just complete.
So I'm just me.
And what I feel at this moment is overwhelming love for almost everyone I can think of. Which feels a lot like me.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.52pm
Kirsten and I have been dating eleven months tomorrow. Which makes today the eleventh month since I chickened out on asking her out.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.46pm
As for the crocs thing, my dad had bought him and I a pair because they were on blow out and, more importantly, actually in our size (we have the same shoe size).
I was offended. No idea why. I can't begin to explain why it would've offended me, it just did. It was insulting.
I've always thought they looked a little silly, but I've never felt strongly about them.
I wore them around for a while and they actually grew on me. With wool socks, it's like wearing slippers but lighter.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.43pm
Gender is a strange thing.
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aaron
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2008 13 September :: 11.19pm
Why would I have an ethical aversion to wearing crocs?
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aaron
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2008 1 September :: 12.07pm
I'm not being left behind
but it seems like everyone's left. This is a prime opportunity. This is starting over without abandoning everything I've built thus far.
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