I took my "exam" for my college class. i'm pretty sure i failed . i really have no idea what my grade is and I have no idea how to check it. i went on blackboard and there are no grades posted. other than ask my professor, which i will not do, i dont think there is any way to even check your grade.

and speaking of failing. that's pretty much what i feel like. my life is so busy it seems but i never get anything done. high school is absolutely pointless and a complete waste of my time. after school i got to work every day now. The days i get off at Menards, I am scheduled at Rosies. It's good I guess but I just feel like I have no time. I think when school gets done I will feel better but I dont know.

i miss band. is that crazy. I miss playing music. After I finished my exam, I walked across the street to the Music Center where I have never ventured and went into some practice rooms and played piano and marimba. I miss it so much.

I can hardly remember anything on mallets. I wish so bad that my parents would have paid for me to do GLP. I think it would have changed my life. Not that I dont like all aspects of my life. I dont wish it was all different, but I really feel empty. I was so disappointed when I stood in front of that marimba and couldn't remember anything I have played in the past. Ugh.... I think Justine is probably the only one who could understand what i'm saying.

I sucked playing piano too, but I hope that's mostly because of the acrylic nails I have on which make it near impossible to play. But I always wish I could have went further in piano. I just didn't have the time or the good teachers.

Not being able to play piano or any instrument well anymore is like feeling like some of you would if you couldn't play a sport anymore. I just feel ... bad. and clarinet..... I haven't picked up that since I quit band last semester. I can only imagine how bad I've gotten.


I just feel disappointed in myself. And hardly anything keeps me up anymore. I dont know. Ugh. Okay this guy next to me wont stop talking loudly on his cell phone in some foreign language and it's getting really annoying.

yeah I'm in the GRCC library now. i have never stopped here before and now that it's my last class I just decided too. pretty stupid but i just didn't want to go home really.

I really am scared. I never wanted that stupid scholarship and now I'm supposed to go and prove to everyone that I can go to college and be smart and be on my own and have a real job and while I type that my fricken eyes fill up with tears because I really feel, deep down that I know I can't do it. yeah you're not supposed to say can't yeah okay. But I really dontthink I can. I dont think I can handle working 20+ hours a week and taking these hard classes to become a Paralegal. Which is what I'm now going for.

I guess.
I suppose.
Even though I dont think I can. It's like I'm telling myself, 'Yeah I'll try it and if it doesn't work I can just drop out, it's not a big deal because I have that scholarship.'

even though it is a big deal.

i dont know what i'm going to do.

i'm going into this completely blind.



and i know nothing about it and I have no faith in myself.

I want roman.

and ps: I'm not even going to start writing about the other thing that's bugging me.

2 comments | light my fire