:: 2005 6 August :: 2.48 am

I've decided that I am going to write one long post, because I can't think of anything to do, on top of the fact that I'm trying to sort out many thoughts that are floating through the aether of my mind. I was thinking that it was time to reminisce, so here it goes.

We'll start as far back as 97 or 98, when I met Randi. That's when I really broke out of my shell and began the journey to what I am now. I was a very shy kid. I mean, even now I'm pretty shy, but then it was scary how shy I was. It was horrible. Anyhow, thr first time I saw her was at Jakes house, and Jake and I were in thr driveway doing something, I can't remember what, but she walked around the corner with Katie and Kassy and poor Scott got hit in the face with a brick. A brick called woman. I was the typical slobbering fool, assuming that I was sneaky and no one thought that I had a crush on her, which, of course, was bullshit. But anyway, Randi's mom and dad would go to the bar with Jake's dad on fridays and saturdays, and they'd leave her home alone for like, 7 hours per bar night. So, naturally, I was there. We'd talk for hours, watch movies, she'd whup my ass in Uno or any game they owned, and I loved it. I don't know when it happened, but I fell for her. I loved her, and I still do. She was going to move up to live with her sister, and I thought I'd never see her again, so I spilled my guts, and promptly found out that she knew. Big surprise, huh? But anyway, she never said whether or not she felt anything for me, so I began to get depressed. Then I met Jessa. She was kind of a nutball back then. Well, as it turned out, she asked me to go to a movie with her on Halloween, and I said yes. It was at a football game, behind the bleachers. We went and saw Bedazzled, but I really don't remember the movie that much. I was too nervous. I had a gorgeous girl sitting next to me, and I had no idea what to do, so I winged it. I put my arm around her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a while, and then she kissed my cheek. That was a new experiance. I sat there in kind of a fuzzy state until she put her hand on my cheek and kissed me again. Only this time, she missed my cheek. Talk about bells and whistles! I never understood why kissing was so cool until she kissed me. I realized that kissing was a very good thing. Anyway, that was my first date and my first kiss. We went out for a while, making out after school and whatnot, typical high school relationship, until she broke up with me. I was mad for a while, because I didn't understand why. Eventually, I realized that I had never kissed her when anyone could see us, and never talked to her in school. Pretty much I never paid any attention to her unless it was at that old green picnic table or at a football game. When I realized that, I felt like an ass for a long time. I still do. Jessa taught me that what society thinks of me doesn't matter, unfortunatly I had to lose her in order to understand that. I feel bad for what I did, and I apologize, Jessa. Well, the Freshman year was over by then (99/2000), and I was still seeing Randi for our weekend talks and such. By then, she had had some boyfriends, and during the summer she met Knight King, and they started to go out. For some reason or another, she cheated on him with a guy named Travis and got pregnant. Knight left her, and she fell into a depression. Kiel came around about then, and he fell for her hard too. That winter, I asked Randi to the Christmas Dance, and she said yes. I was ecstatic, and hurried to make perfect plans. The night of the dance, I went to pick her up, and she was wearing this gorgeous dress. It was either black or light blue, and it was backless. Anyhow, we went to dinner at Strombolis, and she wasn't hungry, so we went outside and talked. She started to feel sick, and I walked to Wesco and called my mom to bring her home. We dropped her off, and I decided to go to the dance anyway. I got there, and Jessa walked up to me and said "I wanna meet your little girlfriend". Not in a bitchy way, like a friend who wanted to be introduced. That hurt more than I care to admit, but I told her she didn't feel well, so I brought her home. I had to explain that all night, and by the end, all I wanted to do was cry. And I did. I went home and cried myself to sleep. That summer, I went to Minnasota for two weeks, and Randi went up to visit her sister, where she met Seth. Randi fell for Seth, and Seth fell in love with her and her newborn son, Drake. They married in early fall, and she moved up to live with him. I thought I would hate her forever. Then I began to hang out with Kassy more and more often. Eventually, I fell for her. Then she told me that she had feelings for me too, but, her boyfriend was getting out of jail within a week. I told her that I would wait for her. Brandon got out of jail, and Kassy's parents moved to Arkansas. She gave me a choice. She said that she didn't know who she wanted to be with more. I told her to be with Brandon, who had a job and an apartment, so she could stay and I could see her, but as a friend and nothing more. Brandon isn't a bad guy, just for clairification. Brandon was sent back to jail on a dumb charge, and I helped Kat (Kassy) get him out. It took a week. And during that week, Randi visited, and gave me a note telling me that she needed to talk to me in private. It also said that she had always felt the same way about me as I did about her. I took her around the lake for our talk. She told me that she was thinking of divorcing Seth. I don't really remember what I told her, but I think I tried to push her towards giving him the boot. Anyhow, she didn't, but that doesn't matter. I went with her back to her moms house, and helped her with the kids, because Seth didn't come down. Kylie fell asleep in my arms on the couch, and Randi came up and snuggled close to me and we intertwined our fingers. Then Drake came and sat on my lap, and said "daddy". I could have died. It still brings tears to my eyes. After I laid the kids in bed and Randi was asleep, I went over to Kat's to make sure she wasn't feeling too alone. Then the floodgate broke. I sat down and told her about everything. I showed her the note, and I told her about what Drake had said. And I cried. I cried in front of her, and she is the only person who has ever seen that. I asked her if she wanted to go to my christmas dance and junior prom, and she said yes to both, but only as a friend. That's all I wanted at that time anyway. As it turned out, she couldn't go to either. I knew beforehand for the Christmas dance, but then she couldn't make it to prom either, because her stuff was in storage. I ended up going to another dance alone. Finally, it was my senior year in high school. WOOHOO! Everything was doing well, and then Jessa emailed me, and we started talking again, but as friends only. She came down from Cedar a couple times to go to movies and whatnot, and we re-established our friendship. She asked me to take her to my senior prom, and I told her that I would. I bought the tickets and a corsage, and then found out that she had to work the evening of the prom. Not really a big deal, I was kinda upset that I didn't get to see her, but I wasn't all that upset. That is, until I thought about it, and realized that every single formal dance that I went to, I began with a date and ended up going alone. Lucky guy, right? Oh well, spilt milk now. On to my first year of college, at the good old U of Q. Took some weird classes, failed most of them, but I met some cool new people. Amethyst is now one of my close friends, and Angel, Suzy, Nate, Rob, and Prince are all pretty good friends as well. Now I'm here, most recently the rebound guy for a friend's relationship, and no good leads on where to go next. Sounds kind of depressing, but hey, if there's one thing I've learned in the past five years, it's that if you don't know what you're doing, just wing it, and you'll be fine.'

Whew, reminiscing is kinda tough...
g'night all...

4 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 6 August :: 2.26 am

Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guesses, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leave. I'm through accepting limits, because someone says they're so, some things I'll never change, but until I try, I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost...

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:: 2005 1 August :: 9.52 pm

I am sooooo tired. I'm trying to get back on earth schedule, because I'm more hamster-ish in my sleep patterns. I just hate that damned big shiny! I am looking for work, so if anyone knows of anything, let me know, 'cause I need me some munnies. Sleepy time...in 2 hours...

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:: 2005 30 July :: 4.40 pm

You are Pedro Sanchez and love holy chips.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2005 30 July :: 4.40 pm

You scored as Mindfuck. Congratulations, you scored Mindfuck. You've probably seen a lot of movies, and have grown to hate mainstream shit. You're looking for the movie that will leave you breathless, and with 21 questions to think about. Check out: Donnie Darko, Being John Malkovich, Pulp Fiction, Memento. Drama/Suspense 80% Sadistic Humour 80% Mindfuck 80% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 65% Artistic 60% Romantic Comedy 40% Mindless Action Flick 30% Movie Recommendation. created with QuizFarm.com

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:: 2005 27 July :: 2.54 pm

Tell her she's amazing. Tell her why you think she's amazing. Pick her up and pretend youre going to throw her; she'll scream and fight you, but secretly, she'll love it. Hold her hand. Tell her she looks beautiful. Introduce her to your friends as "The most amazing girl I know." Do whatever it takes to make her laugh. Surprise her. Do things that make her smile. Be spontaneous. When she starts yelling at you, kiss her. Hug her. Kiss her more. Hold her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her back. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Push her on swings. Give her piggy-back rides. Stay up with her all night. And when you fall in love with her, tell her and promise yourself you wont ever let her go

2 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 26 July :: 10.11 am

I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions. No more and no less. Ask me anything you want. Then, copy and paste this into your Journal allowing the people that read yours to ask you anything, too.

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:: 2005 24 July :: 2.17 am

:: 2005 23 July :: 6.11 pm

You are 71% pure!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 70% on purity

Link: The Original Purity Test written by corsecjedi on Ok Cupid

Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 22 July :: 2.02 pm

It are me birfday! Yar!

2 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 16 July :: 8.08 am

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 14 July :: 10.33 am

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with? Kiel
2. What is your weapon of choice? Knife or short blade
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? never
4. How about of the same sex? yup
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Kiel
6. What is your pet peeve? Interrupting someone who's talking
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? let them go

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? have a job
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 7pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Kat
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? My foot's asleep
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? yes
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? last month
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? 0

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Mountian Dew
2. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 1 sip
3. Have you ever used a professional diet company? nope
4. Do you have an issue with your weight? not really
6. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought food? maybe...lol

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked? completely naked? 1. Partial Nudity? 6.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? 0
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice

during a normal conversation? nope
4. Have you "done it"? nope
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? BOOBIES!
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? not really
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? nope

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? 0
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Admiral
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? buy a car and a house
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? probably not
6. Have you ever stolen anything? yup
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? not enough

PRIDE

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? the set for comedy of errors
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? gradumatating
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? have a fun job
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? not really
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other

competitors? yes
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? no
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? woke up really early

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? lindsay's car
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? never seen it
4. Have you ever been cheated on? nope
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? kinda
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? assertiveness
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? not really
8. Finally, what is your favourite deadly sin? the act itself? Probably Lust

FAITH

1. What religion do you follow? My heart
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? human
4. Do you believe in magic? yup
5. What was the last promise you broke? dunno
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? nope
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? nope

HOPE

1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? nope
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? a good job, a family, and comfortable living
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? yup
6. Do you gamble? nope
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and

done it anyway? yup

CHARITY

1. What causes do you support? None right now, I are broke
2. What causes have you given money or time to? the church
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? yup

4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel? maybe
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? sometimes
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? yup
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? helping to get B out of jail

FORTITUDE

1. What are you most afraid of? being forgotten
2. What did you do today that was really brave? nothing yet, but it's still early
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? Nightcrawler, he has the coolest power
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? yup
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? heart

6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? yup
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? both, depending on the situation

JUSTICE

1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? yup
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? They probably wouldn't take me
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? no
4. Do you believe that Bush is rightfully President of the USA? Well, he won, didn't he?
5. What was your favorite media circus trial? M.J.
6. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? nope

TEMPERANCE

1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? sleep
2. Do you collect anything? books
3. Are you addicted to anything? books
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? yes
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? cash, all at once
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? spend all me munnies
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? not really

PRUDENCE

1. Who is the wisest person you know? Mom
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? yup
3. Do you take advice when it's given? Most of the time
4. What area are you wisest in? I'm still young
5. Do you drive defensively? I'm the best driver in the world
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? nope
7. What did you learn today? That seven is really early in the morning
8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? Temperance or Justice

1 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 13 July :: 1.56 am

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I died tomorrow:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Hair:
» Family:

WOULD YOU:
» Be my friend?:
» Keep a secret if I told you one?:
» Hold my hand?:
» Take a bullet for me?:
» Keep in touch?:
» Try and solve my problems?:
» Love me?:
» Date me?:

HAVE YOU EVER:
» Lied to make me feel better?:
» Wanted to kiss me?:
» Wanted to kill me?:
» Broke my heart?:
» Kept something important from me?:
» Thought I was unbearably annoying?:

~*::And More::*~
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we met?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?


x that apply
(would u)
[_] go out with me?
[ ] give me your number?
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[ ] watch a movie with me?
[ ] let me take you out to dinner?
[ ] let me drive you somewhere
[_] be my bf/gf?
[_] have a fling with me?
[ ] let me buy you a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[ ] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[ ] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[ ] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[ ] dance with me?
[ ] let me make you breakfast?
[ ] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[ ] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] borrow a pair of my underwear if yours for some reason got ruined?
[ ] instant message me?
[ ] greet me in public?
[ ] hang out with me?
[ ] bring me around your friends?
ARE WE...
[ ] aquintences?
[ ] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
AM i...
[ ] smart?
[ ] cute?
[ ] funny?
[ ] cool?
[ ] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] hot?
[ ] compassionate?
[ ] annoying?
[ ] great to be with?
[ ] attractive?
[_] mean?
[ ] odd?
ARE Y0U...
[ ] done with this survey?
[ ] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?

3 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 11 July :: 4.08 pm

List 5 reasons you are a dork. And make them good reasons. Justify them. Explain them. Be loud and proud of how big a dork you are! Then pick the 5 biggest dorks you know and have them do the same.

1. I check the internet (email, lj) more than i watch tv.

2. I play D&D

3. I will play any videogame on the planet

4. I know almost every song I own by heart

5. WoW is my crack

Potter, Ferris, Jake, Amethyst, and Dan

12 Said Yes | Wish to be Enlightened?

:: 2005 7 July :: 4.31 pm

I haven't updated in a while, so anyone who cares can read something new. Not saying that I have anything to say, really, but just that I really do update this journal, not just "WOOHOO" and "Aloha" posts. I guess life is going pretty good right now, or, you know, maybe not. I'm broke, have no job, have no real life, per say, so, you know, I guess things are going relativly the same. Except that I am uber-bored all the time. It's like Mono, except that I'm not tired, just really, really, deathly bored. Brokeness is a little easier to deal with, 'cause I can just walk places instead of driving my gas-whore car. I might be able to get a job someday, but apparantly, today is not that day, as far as that goes. Actually, I'm kinda glad I don't have a girlfriend right now, 'cause I couldn't afford to do anything, cause I'm broke, 'cause I have no job. It's kinda like a vicious circle, but more like a slightly-rabid circle than a truely vicious circle. I was in a relationship recently. It lasted three days, 'cause I was the "rebound guy". That was fun, from a certian point of view, and really it was better than nothing, I think. I'm not sure though. It really didn't hurt when I found out that she was just lonely, so I could leave. I guess I'm getting used to rejection, well, not really rejection, but more like dissappointment. I'm so used to being alone it feels normal. Not to say I don't want a girlfriend, 'cause I do, it's just that No one I can think of that I hang out with regularly is alone, and that kinda blows. It always feels like I'm that weird third guy that tags along because he has nothing else to do. You know, three's a crowd. Oh well, at least I've got a lot of good books at home.

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