xjayk
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2012 2 June :: 10.32pm
Lifes crazy. My daughter is almost 6months old, I'm almost halfway through my second pregnancy and by baby brother is off to college in a couple months. I used to hate change but now I'm beginning to embrace it.
I have all that I ever asked for. A close family, my own family. With the man of my dreams. Although I had always thought I'd want to work while having kids I realize now that its way more important to me to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up. Make sure I do everything in my power to let them know that they're loved and make sure they are raised to be productive God fearing members of society. That is my job now. The hardest job I've ever done in my life.
Thaddeus does an amazing job supporting our family but in doing so I'm left with many sleepless nights and met with aggravation in the morning because though he may work a 12 hour nightshift I have a 24hour job with no break.
Time has done well for me.
Now I'm working on myself. I've been changing my eating habits, doing a little more for myself, a little more for my husband, and love it. One day I may even get back down to the size I was when I met Thaddeus which I would really like.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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acidtears
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2011 4 December :: 4.37pm
:: Mood: happy
Susie Home Maker <3
It's official, let the inevitable happen. I have become more domestic and wifey :) And you know what, I don't mind one bit. I honestly don't mind doing the housewife thing, I actually really like it. I'm surprised, I have actually caught myself wanting a recipe book for Christmas. Not one already filled with recipes, but one I can build as I go along. I want to cook, which is odd considering I've never had the urge to do so in the past. I'm eager to learn so that way I can be a good housewife. I don't know, it's a change from the way I was as a teenager, and I like it alot. Mood: Happy, Content, Joyful, Loved, Good in general :)
6 sighs |
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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acidtears
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2011 20 November :: 5.21pm
Seriously, why? There's no point to it..
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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acidtears
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2011 12 September :: 11.33pm
Rest In Peace Grandpa, we love you so much and you will be forever missed.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2011 11 September :: 11.56pm
Out of the dark I heard you; your voice soft but strong.
You have never been a man of many words, but lately what you
say when you think I cant hear you, when you think I've been fast asleep for hours, are the words I hold so close to me.
Last night after checking the nursery one last time, sneaking into
our bedroom and turning off the lights, you slid up next to me whispering in my ear that you loved me. That alone can bring me
to my knees sometimes. As you ran your fingers through my hair (like I've told you not to do 100x over) you leaned in and kissed me on my forhead while telling me you were so blessed to have me as your wife and couldn't be happier about our 'evil spawn'. Marrying that man was the best thing that I ever did for myself.
We're not the lovey dovey type.
Really we're not.
Just at night...when we think the other one is asleep. Thats when
we talk all lovie.
Its so much more intamite.
In public we walk next to one another but I couldn't possibly tell you the last time we kissed in public...if ever. (aside from him dropping me off at work but we're in the car and if people are around forget it)
We're strange.
Old fashioned.
And believe that our love is just that ours.
We dont need to put on a show for people to prove how much we
love one another....No hardcore makeout sessions at Walmart or anything...Thats what kids do these days right? Makeout at walmart?
I digress.
I hate the nights your not home. For some reason when your gone
things dont feel right. Its like I've put my shoes on the wrong
feet. Its just not right.
You and I have our seperate lives with our friends, I see my friends quite frequantly and you have your alone time that you cherish so much. But its when your unuptainable is when it kills me.
Blame it on the pregnancy.
My hormones are all over the place.
Really I'm probably one of the most stable unstable wrecks you've
ever seen.
But for once in my life I feel like even though we've been through
hell and back this year its been the best year for us yet.
Not just because of our daughter, but because of how
both of us stepped up and really worked at our relationship
and stopped reading so far into things.
I'm proud of us.
I'm scared that the stress of the baby may change that.
But Lord I hope and pray it doesn't.
I hope she just brings us closer.
Anyways this really wasn't a nessasary post. I just felt like writing and I dont have microsoft word on my computer; so woohu is the next best thing. No one reads this crapola anywho.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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acidtears
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2011 11 September :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: bored
Growing up and moving on.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2011 10 September :: 11.21pm
itīs getting dark... too soon... a threatening silence...
surrounding me... a wind... comes up from the islands...
when distance fades to stormy grey
washed out from the deep of the ocean
here i will stand to face your wrath...
while all the others are praying
*****
Another year of trials and tribulation; hasn't it been darling?
I've stretched myself to my limits and although I'm pretty sure you can see my mangled body you watch as I dig deep and grunt into one last stretch.
The pain resides so deep now that its made an imprint of itself that spells out your name.
Please tell me; is this fun
Please tell me; is this amusing
Please tell me; is this love
I waited for you love, why didn't you come?
Has it ever mattered less?
In your loving way tell me you'll replace what you stole from me
... then turn from me again
Remember the sick way you loved me
Now love me again
Draine me baby;
Take your leftovers
******
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now iīm not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i donīt pretend that i love you
īcause there is nothing left to lose
*******
I thought...
It doesn't matter what I thought
It matters what I think now
And if I could write a book
My Gospel of our relationship
How would you respond
and in my scripture I would have written
"alike Judas; she betray me with an embrace and a kiss"
Time can change so much cant it
**********
and when silence comes back to me
i find myself feeling lonely
standing here on the shores of destiny
i find myself feeling lonely
i had a life to give... many dreams to live...
donīt you know that youīre losing so much this time
beyond the waves... i will be free
while all the others are praying
****
For the longest time I felt alone
Torn down so far
And held there by your lies and contradictions
You watched me as I sank
I reached out to you
The sting I felt
The sting I felt when you turned away
But no more love
I cant feel that anymore
You made sure of that
*********
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now iīm not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i donīt pretend that i love you
īcause there is nothing left to lose
*******
There is no eligant way of expressing what you've done to me
There is no argument you can possibly have for yourself
How is it that the people closest to me over the past years are the ones that have turned so far from me now I need them?
I'm not going to pretend like I haven't changed
I'm a mother now
I live for my baby
And I Will protect her from liars
...like you
I cant hardly say that I wish we could sweep this under the rug
Because God knows that I've done it for years
But that was just me
Now its my husband and daughter your messing with as well
It wont happen
I wont let it
You've done so much wrong to us already
When will you just stop?
*****
the love in you, it does not burn,
there is no lesson you can learn
and there are sounds you cannot hear,
and there are feelings you canīt feel
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
*******
Tell me again your sorry
That you would give the world to make things right
Let's watch as you screw me all over again
Then its not a big deal anymore....right?
Then your sorry and we'll play this game over and over AND OVER AGAIN!
I'm so drained of you, love. I really am.
If you haven't realized this is for you
How far can you push 'til their slipping off the edge
How much love can you give
How much poison can you inject
Tell me
Your the snake in my Eden
Its sad my baby girl wont see you for what you once were
This beautiful amazing person who loved life
But when she starts to form her own opinions...
she'll see the liar Thad and I see now
That everyone else refuses to acknowledge
I'm more so angry because it feels so much better than being hurt
I honestly think I'm out of tears when it comes to you
Sorry
Life I guess
*************
i donīt pretend that i love you
and this time iīm not scared of you
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2011 15 August :: 1.59am
I trusted you, although everyone advised me not to.
You lied. Made me out to be the one person in your life that was dragging you down. Tell me about your support system now; please do. Now that its gone. Now that you have betrayed me and I had the mind to sit you down; discuss it and then after an hour of prying you finally confess... I realize now I never needed your confession; I wanted to give you the opportunity; I was almost praying that you'd be upfront and wouldn't lie. But again and again you did and now we're left like this. Such a rift in our relationship.
You've lied to everyone.
I'm so embarrassed.
I know that your still doing it; and I dont want to believe it.
Do you like hurting me...
...better question do you like hurting yourself? Your image?
No one will love you like you so desperately want if you keep up what your doing. Your cheating on someone and you have the nerve to tell them you love them...and then invite your new lover to move into your home. But not until next summer of course.
I wish I knew who you were.
You wont be there when my daughters born any longer. A hard decision but one that had to be made. As a mother have to think about who I'm putting around my daughter and if I cannot trust you after knowing and loving you for soo long; I refuse to let you hurt her. Like you have to the rest of us.
I will forgive you. It will take time to fully do so. But I will
I will; on the other hand. Never forget.
You will never make empty promises any longer, nor will you tear this family apart.
I'm done watching you destroy everything good that comes around you.
You've exhausted me.
I've always wanted the best for you.
You know that.
I still do want you to follow your dreams- and hopefully grow. I'm just...done hoping. Hoping that you'll change. I shouldn't ask you to do that; if this is who you are then I should just accept that.
I could sit here and wait for you to change and compliment you on every single gesture you make...But I have a life I need to move on with. This one unfortunately; without you in it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life has been stressful the past couple weeks. I'm praying God will intervene and make some sense of this madness.
My husband and I are closer than ever.
I couldn't ask to be blessed with a better man than him.
He is my rock that's for sure.
Oh and some really good news is that I found a church! Finally!!
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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acidtears
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2011 6 August :: 3.17am
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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xjayk
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2011 14 July :: 1.14pm
What a crazy couple of months. Cactus is growing really well and Thaddeus and I have become the normal 'scared to death but excited parents of a fetus' and I dont think we'd have it any other way. Now that its happened I really couldn't even see what we'd be like or what we'd be doing if we weren't nesting and planning all the time. A blessing from God. Going from not being able to carry a child to carrying a very healthy one is...well I cannot possibly describe the feeling. But its great. Friends dont understand, or dont wanna stick around. I'm fine with that. I have more important things to worry about than wether or not someone is there for me. Stay...Go...I dont care.
Thad and I have been planning our babymoon which is going to be awesome! I'm so excited. You know we've had our ups and our downs but none of that matters. Not now anyway. I dont think I've ever had such an admoration for Thaddeus in my life. He's taking care of me, and the baby. And whole heartedly wants to. Not because he has to or its some sort of burden. He wants to. When I'm sick he's right there, when I'm stressed he lets me scream it out. He's everything to me. But we're really not that gushy; we'll just blame it on my unstable hormones today. :)
We're about ready to sit down to some lunch before we return to packing and watching Mars Attacks. I hate moving but at least I wont have to move with a baby. Plus Thads recruiting some of his friends to move the boxes so I dont have to lift. Just unpack.
I'm soo sick of moving its not even funny but we'll be saving money and the baby will be closer to my family so I guess its a plus on that side. Its just hard leaving our dream house. Its everything we wanted a bathroom the size of a bedroom; 3 bedrooms, a laundry room even! Its been amazing here. Its time to start a new chapter of our lives and well...its just time to say goodbye.
Soon enough we'll be saving money going on the best babymoon ever, and really becoming a family. Our own family.
hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..
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