My loveletter to nobody..

My loveletter to nobody..

:: 2009 8 February :: 7.48pm

I find myself here once again, downstairs in my dirty room alone. I haven't been alone in weeks starting when my Popa Noam died. After he died I had surgery, from which I'm still healing, and have been consuming myself in projects so I don't break down and cry. Apparently I've extended my healing time because of my constant moving around and neglecting myself.
But I'm not wallowing not in the least. I've been going to school and upping my grades every day, taking care of my grandmother, and shopping. Not nearly enough shopping if you ask me but I dont have money and Thaddeus doesn't have nearly enough.

I'm looking around for photographers. I want to get pictures done of Thaddeus and I and I'd also like to get my senior pictures done. I'm not sure where to go. I had one place in mind but I forgot the name I think it was called " Arising Images " but I can't remember. Its in detroit but hey they have cool stuff. I don't know. Maybe I'll just have Hill take pictures of Thad and I for now.

Well I really didn't have anything to say but I guess that was just a little update for anyone checking in.

Have a good one
later

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2009 4 February :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: drowsy
:: Music: nothin

that one thing jess did..lol.
Dear Kayliegh,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I dislike your eyelashes. I think I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer, in a clown suit. And I saw you drive over my boyfriend. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning your Hanna Montanna underwear to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I was interviewed about the car you stole and your cucumber-fetishism is weird.

Go drown yourself,
Samm

(I got this from Jess's blog, so here it is if anyones interested)

dear (someone with whom you have recently spoken),
I don't really know how to tell you this, (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4)(5) . I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
White - Our affair is over
Red - I'm joining the Convent
Yellow - Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Black - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you sma cked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian's goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony' collection
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Sexy
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we're related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - Your pet rock
Black - The pictures from Vegas
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montanna underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbour's dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Hate your cooking
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven't showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don't hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2009 28 January :: 4.36pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Ted Nugent(BAMF)

Tomorrow.
So, tomorrow is the surgery day. My mom and I have to leave here anywhere from 5:30-5:45am. Gahh! I am very thankful for Jess though. She went and got me some m&m's, snickers, a sierra mist, and a card. She didn't tell me, probably because she knew I would protest. HaHa. Oh, and thank you Alex for your little tid bit in the card. HaHa. Thank you to those who are hoping the best for me.

Jess,
Thank you so much for everything, and that card is the best card ever! HaHa. And don't worry, I will definitely give you directions to my grandma's house so you can come hang out with me. I might just be bumming around in sweats and an over sized flannel shirt, but we can still have fun. And if Alex doesn't read this, tell the sympathy freeloader I said thanks as well. HaHa. And we definitely need to celebrate when I am fully healed. Fo Sho! But, even though it was only yesterday that you stopped by, I miss you already. But, better be off. Bye.

P.S.- I will enjoy the pain killers, babe. HaHa.

Jess's Lovey, Samm

7 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2009 24 January :: 2.31pm

If anyone has been trying to get ahold of me I'm sorry, but I probably wont be answering calls for awhile.

Popa Noam died yesterday

1 sigh | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2009 21 January :: 8.30pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" By: Flogging Molly

Shoulder
Well, the other night I was joking around with my brother, and went to lightly punch him. While my arm was in mid air, no force applied, my shoulder popped completely out. It felt like a shoulder cramp, like when you get a charlie horse in your leg, but when I looked over, it looked disgusting. The top part of shoulder was over by my collar bone, and where it should have been was completely caved in. It has happened before, but it always pops right back into place. But, we went to the hospital and after some x-rays, they said that my tendons/ligaments were way too loose. So now, I am wearing a shoulder immobilizer and it sucks. I can't use my right arm at all, and the bone doctor said I can take my arm out of the immobilizer, but when I try, it's too painful, and it feels like my arm is going to pop out again. So, I leave it on. Here comes the worst part...

Next Thursday, January 29th, I have to have shoulder surgery. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that at all. And they said it would take me two months to recover, and on top of that I have to do rehabilitation therapy for my shoulder.

Then, my dad called earlier and apparently my Grandma had a suggestion. She wanted to know if I wanted to stay with her for a few days after my surgery. So, I am thinking about it. It would be nice. I wouldn't have kids or dog's jumping on me or bumping into me. And it is more relaxing there. So, I haven't decided yet, but I am thinking about it. Any opinions here? HaHa.

But, better go. It's hard to type. Just figured I would update, so you don't think I'm dead. HaHa. Bye.

Sincerely,
Cripple

6 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2009 17 January :: 1.00pm

Surgery Date: January 28th
Time: 11:00 am

The count-down is on

I was stuck in the doctors office for about 4 hours last night as he showed me what my scars would look like, where the insition would be, how long it'll take, and whatnot. It made it so much more real, and to know its only a week and a half away makes me a jumbled wreck.

Ahh
What-ev

I'm hoping things get back to normal soon. It feels like friends and family are becoming more and more distant. But on the positive...
Thad and I are becoming closer together.

I miss Hillary, I wish she was here. I don't know why it just feels like I need her right now. Its like seperation anxiety. It sucks. You know. To feel so alone.

I guess this post is really about nothing I guess. I dont really have anything else to say.

Every time I close my eyes
The noise inside me amplifies
I can't escape
I relive every moment of the day
Every misstep I have made
Finds a way it can invade
My every thought
And this is why I find myself awake

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2009 16 January :: 9.49am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Bella's Lullaby

Lately..
I am now on the third book in the Twilight Series. "Eclipse". So far it's a good book, unfortunately I haven't been able to read it much lately. I've been busier than usual. Hopefully this weekend will give me more reading time, or time to hang out. Because I swear, I am going to lose it if I'm forced to stay here all weekend. We were supposed to go with my dad this weekend, but he's going to be in South Carolina. So, maybe I will be able to relax this weekend. I highly doubt that, but, I still hope. Yesterday I had to clean the dining room lamp above the table, I had to clean the chairs in the dining room, and I had to do laundry. I was going to have to do dishes, but since Tanna was the last to do the dishes, her dishes were greasy and still had food on them, which meant I didn't have to do them, she did. I hate dishes. The sad thing is I would rather scrub floors, toilets, and all that deep cleaning stuff instead of do dishes.

So right now, I would definitely rather be somehwere else. Ava is screaming at the top of her lungs, she is trying to hit, kick, and bite me, and I am so sick of it. I am sick of this being what makes up my daily life. Screaming, Kicking, Yelling, Stealing, Biting, Hitting, Cigarettes, Cleaning, and what not. I deal with this everyday, while others sleep in until the afternoon. I wish I could sleep, I wish I had time to read, had time to dream. But I don't. I have to keep my head out of the clouds, or else I will get in trouble. If chores do not get done in a timely fashion, I get bitched out. But, it is pretty hard to do some of these chores, while watching a 3 year old hurricane who can scream so loud it will make your ears bleed. It gets very tiring. And, if I stay here this weekend, I will have to deal with it some more. Because god forbid any of the other kids help with her and the house. God forbid I try to get some much needed sleep. So tonight, I will be begging for an escape. Somewhere else to be; somewhere away from here. I wish there was a place to go on the weekends where not even a phone call can reach me. Somewhere I don't hear "I hate you" on a daily basis from a mouthy toddler. This is why I cannot wait until I become 18. I don't want to grow up, but if it means I can get away from this, then I am ready.

I need to escape, from hell.
Samm

4 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

xjayk

:: 2009 11 January :: 10.30pm

What a night

what

a

night

I sit alone in my empty room for just a moment. I hear the foot steps above me of my boyfriend in the kitchen walking towards the stairs. I'm sitting in a contemplative mood, wondering if I should continue this post or just sit here and let it all fester.

Distance is hell and time is nothing

What used to be so easy has become difficult beyond all belief, and the simple things in life are the things I wish I could obtain once again.
Days felt like they lasted forever as with nights. The three hours of play-time with a best friend felt like what a week would now.
I'm walking in circles trying to pass a sobriety test.

I've been in a state of desporation trying to reach my 'other half'. And I ended up driving through a white-out to spend 3 and a half hours unregretably with my Hill. Most of which we just spent talking stairing over our cokes, and for a second time stoped again. Just like when we'd sit and play with our dinosaurs. But that ended a little to quickly.

What do you do when your life feels like its not running? Kind of like a car that hasn't had an oil change in over a year. Your stuck in this odd paradigm of confusion and questioning. I haven't been able to be with my friends and be normal much lately. Does that happen with everyone? I can't shake this feeling of loneliness. I could be in a crowded room but still feel like I'm standing alone. Am I?
Does this even make sense?
How do I make this stop? I want to go back to normal but my life feels like its spiraling. There are times I want to run, get out of this place, I want to be somewhere where no one knows my name. A place where no one would recognize me if I walked down the street.

Is there an invisable boundrie set up where right when you think your making progress and your on the right track you walk into that invisable wall and get blown backwards and wind up with a black eye?
I think so

I was just wondering if anyone has ever gone through this before and how they delt with it....If no one responds I understand, its just curiousity. Maybe it could help me out a bit.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2008 25 December :: 5.48pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.

Christmas Day.
Today is Christmas, and suprisingly we woke up later than I thought we would. We were going to wake up at about 7:30, but, I guess it was around 9 when we finally woke up. It was alot of fun. It was us, the Grandpa, and Aunt Beth. She ended up coming over this morning. We had two stockings each this year. One from "Santa", and then one from Wolverine/YMCA cos they "adopted" our family to help us out. So, it was a good Christmas this year. I don't really feel like going into detail about the things I got right now, because I am going to go watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas" with Ava, but, I hope everyone had a a good and happy Christmas. So, no more countdowns from me. Bye.

-Samm d'Massacre.

365 more days until next Christmas. HaHa, Just Kidding.

hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..

acidtears

:: 2008 24 December :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.

Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is Christmas; the day I have been looking forward to since about November. And now, it's all going to be over soon in less than 24 hours. Oh well, at least we are the kind of people that keep our tree up until the middle of January. HaHa. My Aunt Beth is supposed to come over tonight, but, we don't know if she's still going to. Then tomorrow morning she's going to be here and so will our Grandpa Bennett. So, I'm excited. I'm also really excited to see the reactions of Mom, Doug, Bri, Dylan, Montanna, and Ava when they open the presents I got them. I'm going to say what I got them all, but you can't tell. HaHa.
-Mom: A very nice photo album and I already put some pictures in there. Ranging from us kids, all the way to pictures of her as a baby.
-Doug: Two Stephen King books. The first one being "The Green Mile", and then "The Bachman Books", which is four novels in one book.
-Brianna: Fuschia Semi Perminant hair dye.
-Dylan: A Breaking Benjamin CD.
-Montanna: A Tinkerbell purse.
-Avalyn: "Parachute Pig". It's a stuffed animal pig that has a parachute with a back pack and all included. It's pretty cute, if I do say so myself.

So, that's what they got. Not much, but, I did my best.
Tomorrow, we will, of course, wake up early and have our usual Hot Chocolate and Cinnamon Rolls. We will open presents, enjoy them for a little bit, then chaos will erupt. We will have to all get ready to go to my Aunt Diane's for lunch/dinner. And HOPEFULLY we will be able to go to my Grandma Schrivener's tomorrow after Aunt Diane's. I love it up at my Grandma's. Especially around the Holidays. There's like 150 people packed into a double wide trailer(that's not the part I like, in fact, I loathe that part), and there's a million things of food, and as for dessert...oh boy. There's way more than enough to go around. There's everything from finger jello, to pies, to Ice creams, and more. I love it up there. Then the guest bedroom is always the official PS2 playing room. Everyone in the gathers and plays racing games, Guitar Hero, and more. Then of course, there is always Sabrina's husband Derrick and his Viking Hat while he's been drinking. HaHa. It's great times.

But, I have to try and stay awake because my mom and step dad need my help transporting the presents from their hiding spot to our house. And, I'm going to watch "The Dark Knight", and hopefully finish it because I have had it for 4 days and I have not been able to watch the whole thing. But, going to go do that. Bye, and everyone, Have a Merry Christmas. And don't forget to party hard. HaHa.

-Samm d'Massacre.
The strangest Christmas Enthusiast EVER.

2 sighs | hasten to drown into beautiful eyes..