It should be raining it should be raining it should be raining it should be raining it should be raining we will suck you down it should be raining it should be raining
okay so i'm going to recap my day:
chemistry: uneventful
biology: uneventful
driver's ed: got our driving groups and i'm in a good group and one of my old friends who has completely changed threated to slit someone's throat if he touched her mohawk again
history: (background information: this girl in my history class just moved here and i've talked to her once or twice, well i saw her at prayerfest last night and she was crying) so i asked her why she was sad and she said her paternal (i think that's the right word) mother had just died last night and i said "i'll be praying for you" and she just hugs me and starts shaking and crying so Mr. Ward tells us to go in the hall and we stand there for a bit and then we go back into the classroom we sit down and listen for a little while, well sort of i wasn't really and i doubt she was and so after Mr. Ward's done talking she walks up to his desk and talks to him and she gets a pass and Mr. Ward points to me and points to her and so we go to the "bathroom of many mirrors" and we sat on the floor and she cried and i sort of cradled her as best i could (i was in a weird position) and she was like "i don't know if she was a Christian" and she feels like it was her fault that hshe may not have been and i tried to explain to her the best i could why God may have done it (she asked me that one, oh man it was scary) and somewhere in the back of my head, i was praying that God would just give me the right words to say to her and so we went back after class was over and i walked with her to her locker and then almost to her class
so then english: after the first half, i tell manny i need to talk to him so i go out and i tell him i can't look at him and he made a joke about it and i was stuttering and scared and nervous and i told him that i felt betrayed by him and that i feel like he'll talk to me and then leave whenever someone better comes along and just at that, this girl anna slinger comes up and was like "you left me" and manny doesn't tell her to go away or anything like that and i didn't want to talk to him with her around so i told him i'd finish later and i turned around and left and after lunch i'm getting something and my desk's where the group that he's in meets and so he comments "you know it's funny, Anne, you wanted to talk to me and i stayed, and you told me that i leave you for other people when you did it to me. that hurts, Anne" and i was just thinking to myself "oh no you didn't." i didn't talk to someone for about five minutres after that conversation... i was thinking "you know i'm stuttering, obviously nervous, choking over my words and everything and i tell you that you're hurting me and you go and do it again and this time purposefully?" i don't know why i bothered in the first place with him
spanish: uneventful
math: uneventful
i got to plow through the snow to get home
and that was my day
i know, i'm terrible, i can't help it

I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours
alright, so Robert ticked me off terribly last night but Chris told me to ignore him and made me feel better. speaking of, i love when he has this away message up. it's so cute and sweet and just aww. he's so sad though, he told Ruthie that he'll get married to a really desperate woman one day. i was like, "are you joking me? you're calling some really lucky woman desperate" it's so sad that he doesn't get how nice and sweet and caring and helpful and.... well, you get the idea, but he's such an amazing person and he just doesn't get it.
i'm going to see "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" tomorrow with Ruthie after school. i'm excited about that.
we talked about abortion in church yesterday. Rob (one of the youth pastors) showed some of the pictures and i had already seen them because i did a report on it in eighth grade so i knew the political stuff and the numbers, but it was really interesting to find out about the religious point of view.
adios

just a little pinprick, pinprick
so i haven't actually talked to Chris since Wednesday or Tuesday. it's different. school's not too terrible but my driver's education class is going to be murder. i am not too worried about any of the tests because i've been absorbing traffic laws since i was little but i really don't want to drive with some of the people in my class. there are a lot of people that i have avoided because they are bad influences or because they just aren't good people for me to be hanging around with.
i was reading a short story in a magazine and i think i'm going to submit mine (Perfect) to them. it won't be a big deal if i don't win but it'd be cool to see if i could, you know?
ah well, i'm exhausted so i'm going to sleep
adios

ah, friday
it's so nice to have a weekend to relax and not worry about school for a couple of days
boys are stupid, no offense to anyone but it's true
that is all for now

i hate roots
so i'm now im my new semester
chemistry
biology
driver's ed
us history
english
spanish
pre-calculus

it's alright
nothing too fancy
i'm avoiding doing homework
actually, i've just realized that i've also got other homework so i can't avoid this stuff

can no subject be a subject?
so i finished my biology and chemistry finals today and started my spanish final
biology and chemistry were pretty easy and spanish was easy except for one section that was SO stupid hard it was crazy. all i have tomorrow is reading my short story for my final in english. ahhh i'm nervous

my hands have cuts all over them
so i've got half of my biology, chemistry, and math finals to go and all of my english, spanish, and gym finals to go.... how many more days of this?
i'm so exhausted of it, it's not even funny at this point

i hate biology
mitochondria: *looks in notes* transfers energy
ribosome: something to do with proteins
endoplasmic reticulum: smooth: synthesizes steriods, regulates calcium levels, break down toxic substances; rough: something with proteins
nucleus: DNA, most of activity something like that
golgi apparatus: processes and packages
lysosomes: breaks down vesicles, old organelles, etc.
nucleolus: *looks in notes* the site where ribosomes are synthesized

do you think i'll pass my biology final tomorrow?
yeah, neither do it

so, to update, i have started finals and have finished my history final and gotten through half of my math final. i got pissed at manny and if i never talk to him again, i am alright with that, but i did find out that i have english with him next semester so we shall see if i kill him or not. i was lent Myths, Legends and Other Amazing Adventures of The Aquabats, Volume Two by Robert, Chris' brother and i am returning it tonight and getting a different one, hopefully. i don't really have much else to say so i think i'll post my short story for my english final

Perfect
I brushed my hair out of my eyes I looked out the window; the freezing November rain came down in sheets onto the cliff outside the house. I beheld the scenery: the wind blowing stinging rain; the squirrels running from tree to tree; the lightning illuminating the clouds above. I became absorbed in the rhythm of the rain on the roof, which the doorbell interrupted. Shaking my head back to reality, I walked over to the door in the empty house and opened it.
“Colette?” She stood on my doorstep, her body seemingly suspended by a string in the wind. Her hair fell heavily down her torso and lay glued to her bare arms. She wore no gloves, no hat, not even shoes to cover her purple feet. Her mauve “Back Paddle” tee shirt was soaked through and clung to her body. I looked into her cloudy and uncertain eyes, putting out my hand to lead her in. She pulled away, looked me in the eyes, smiled weakly, and biting her lip said,
“My parents are getting a divorce.”
*
I saw her the instant she walked into the room. Her chocolaty-brown hair fell in spring like curls down to her waist. Unlike other girls, her body wasn’t covered in skintight apparel, but a black hooded sweatshirt that read, “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.” Her luminous green eyes scanned the room and sparkled my way. They gave away nothing, holding an eternity of mystery. I had never seen her here in Black Hawk, Colorado before; I would have recognized her petite body and infectious laugh. She turned and began walking across the room. I shut my eyes tightly and waited.
*
I opened my eyes in my sister’s room. I went to her closet, found a shirt and pair of pants for Colette to wear and left hurriedly. She sat in the middle of the living room floor, curled up tightly in towels, as if all of the furniture were shunning her. She looked up at me solemnly, at the clothes first and then into my eyes. I couldn’t see into her windows, I never could. I stuttered down the stairs and walked over to her, placing the clothes softly next to her. Picking them up, she lifted herself off the floor carefully. Colette shuffled to the bathroom and locked the door with the click that echoed throughout the house.
While she changed into dry clothes, I stood where Colette had been sitting, my back to the bathroom door, and wondered what she had walked four miles barefoot to say to me. It could have been that she didn’t want to be alone in her house if her parents went to see a lawyer. It could have been she didn’t want to be in her house at all and didn’t know where else to go; it could even have been a cruel joke. Things like divorce don’t happen in Black Hawk, Colorado, home to less than one hundred and twenty people. People are happy here, people love their family here, people are good to their neighbors here…
The bathroom door opened and I turned to see Colette standing in the doorway in Victoria’s old camp shirt and purple sweat pants. She looked down at herself as if she were looking at a stranger’s body, obviously uncomfortable but not about to complain. She looked at me almost desperately as she walked over to the empty couch seat, barely lifting her feet off the ground. She sat down and curled her legs into an Indian style and held her knees against her, like she was trying to become so small that no one could see her. I was right next to her, but I felt like I was miles away. We sat on that couch for three minutes before I said anything.
“So… um… what’s been going on?” I tried to be sincere but I couldn’t feel any more stupid. I called Colette my best friend but had no idea what was going on in her life. She looked at me and smiled weakly at my pathetic attempt of getting her to talk to me.
“Maybe it would be a good idea to start from the beginning.” Her face was twisted as if she wasn’t sure that was what she actually wanted to do. I nodded quickly, maybe too quickly. Taking a deep breath, she began.
*
“Timothy!” Colette called to me from the other side of the courtyard. Her dark blue pants fell heavily when she stepped and her oversized, black hooded sweatshirt that read “I am Danger Woman” enveloped her body. Her hair was back in a braid and it swayed as she jogged and reached where I was waiting. “Timothy, how are you? I haven’t seen you in a little while.” Her face shone with radiance as she flashed a mega-watt smile.
“Good, I’ve been good. How have you been?”
“Oh, you know, the usual.” Colette smiled and said, “I hate my parents.” She laughed and I laughed with her.
*
Why did I laugh? I thought to myself as Colette poured out every detail about her parents and the way they argue. Why couldn’t I tell then that she was serious? As she told me about her family, I was quiet because I had no idea something like this could happen. All I could see were her eyes, which were red and puffy, her allergies.
*
Bending down, I relieved my scratchy throat and as I straightened my body, Colette walked out of the girls’ bathroom.
“Colette.” Apparently surprised, she spun around at her name and smiled when she saw me.
“Hi.” Her voice was cheerful and she was smiling, her eyes crinkling at the edges.
“Why are your eyes red?”
“What? Oh, that. My allergies are acting up right now. The ragweed pollen was making my eyes all puffy and red so my teacher let me go to the bathroom for a tissue; he’s out of them.”
“Alright, well, we’d both best be getting back to class but I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, of course.” She smiled over her shoulder before going into the snow-filled courtyard.
*
Snow. Snow and ragweed. It wasn’t even a good lie. Colette’s face was less twisted than just three hours earlier when the wind had landed her on my doorstep.
“My dad sleeps on the couch downstairs. My mom sleeps in the bedroom upstairs. They can’t talk to each other without swearing at one point or another.” She can’t be telling the truth. Parents are supposed to sleep in the same room and say sweet and encouraging things to each other. I didn’t want to believe that her family wasn’t like mine, but I couldn’t deny it. Colette began to say something and stopped, began and stopped, began and stopped. Sighing, she whispered,
“Timothy, I have something I need to show you.”
*
“I don’t know if I want to come in.” She stood at the water’s edge, fidgeting with her black tankini suit. I grabbed her hands and pulled her into the pool as she screamed in vain protest. She submerged and brought herself out of the water, quickly taking a breath. I laughed as she lightly hit my shoulder and watched her hands go to fix her suit.
“What’s this?” My index finger slid along a long red mark on her stomach and she stepped back, covering it with her suit.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Felicity’s cat scratched me while I was over earlier this week. Don’t worry about it; it’s no big deal.”
*
Colette straightened her back and lifted her shirt to reveal her bare stomach. The words hate, pain, and worthless were etched into it over and over, overlapping each other. She rolled down her shirt and pulled back her left sleeve first, then her right. My eyes were locked to the red hills and valleys on the underside of her wrists. I pulled the sleeves back over her wrists and placed my hands on hers.
“I can’t believe all this time I’ve known you, I didn’t realize anything was going on.” She leaned forward and hugged me, whispering into my ear,
“No one knew or had any idea. Families like yours, well, they’re rare. I’ll be happier when my parents are divorced.” We sat there until the morning came.
“Thank you.” I let go of Colette and she tilted her head, confused.
“Why are you thanking me? I should be thanking you.” I shook my head.
“No. I used to think life should be perfect and that if something went wrong, the rest of my life would be horrible, but you’re not like that. If something hard comes along, it will end up making you happier. You know what perfect really is.”

peace/adios

I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours
Chris said that
i don't know to who, but he did say that
it's really sweet don't you think?

anyways, so today my grandpa (mom's dad) came over and then an hour later my grandmother (dad's mom) came over and my sister, grandmother, and i went to lunch at the olive garden and saw Mona Lisa Smile. i also worked on a biology lab.

so Manny called yesterday and i talked with him for a while and he wants to do something with me before break is over. the thing is, he's excited and i'm not. i got so sick of trying to keep a dying relationship going so i gave up on it. i talked to Chris and Ruthie about it and Ruthie didn't get it, but Chris did. i cried because of how much it hurt and i don't really know what there was to hurt. i don't really know what there is to hurt inside me any more. i'm just so tired and cynical and anti-social all of the time. it's sad.

If you give a moose a muffin
man, am i tired all of a sudden. so Christmas was fine. i got the three lord of the rings posters and since my birthday's coming up, my dad's going to get them framed. yay! i got another spoon rack, money from the relatives, a gift certificate to borders (which i'm probably going to spend on lord of the rings stuff, but hey), the How to Deal movie, and a funnel cake maker. i was fine at the relatives house except for a cousin. he is such a rude pig, it's disgusting. at the dinner table, while we were waiting for my grandmother, he was scratching his back with a back scratcher while sitting at the table! everyone yelled at him except for his parents. he also used his gross, dirty little fingers to grab a cooked carrot and he had to have touched other carrots. i got really mad at him and lectured him about it. his older brother was even getting ticked off at him. his dad only said one thing once and that was while we were opening presents and he kept putting his back scratcher on the table. oh, the presents! he looked at every present to see which one he was going to get. you may be thinking to yourself, 'well he can't be more than six or seven and doesn't know any better' right? well, guess again. he's in seventh grade and he insisted on wearing a tee-shirt and shorts to my grandmother's house. i wanted to yell at him all night for being such a moron. anyways, everything was fine today, nothing all that great to report. but i was talking to Ruthie today and she said she wasn't going to be ready to exchange gifts tomorrow night with Chris and myself, so we're going to have to find another time for it. so that's about it
adios : )

you can clean your toliet with Diet Coke
i hate my computer

I'm picturing a chihuahua with attention deficit disorder
so i got my left cartilidge pierced again today. i've got two up there now. my relatives are gonna love that *rolls eyes* meh. so i saw Aleisha today at Target. she works there now. we are hopefully going to get together over the break when she has some time off. hopefully. i really have nothing to say today so, hey, let's be like Chris and say adios

if you fold the twenty right, you can see the pentagon burning
well, well, well, my first journal... what should i start with? well, i hate people, if that helps anyone. i write poetry and stories but when i write stories i tend not to finish them, just because i don't ever get around to it. i had one story that i wrote when i liked this one guy (Manny) (two years) and i stopped it when i stopped liking him, great huh? i am so glad i have no school for two weeks, i am so relieved, but i will have to study for finals.. blah... but hey, i can always bring stuff to my relative's on Christmas so i don't have to pay any attention to them... i like talking with one of my relatives, my Aunt Mary Beth, but she doesn't always get there on time, actually she never does so i always end up sitting there feeling awkward while my grandparents are attempting to make conversation... oh man, my grandmother wants to take me shopping over this break. i detest shopping! RARGH! i detest shopping and i detest the mall! i don't care what i look like and i don't wear the color red! she is obsessed with it and i used to like it but stopped when i was SEVEN! i don't even like it at all any more. so i went and took pictures today. every year, my sister and i go take a picture together to put up in our hallway, it's her school picture, our picture, and then my school picture. the past couple of years, my mom has also been in a picture, but this year, because my sister is in college, it was one with me and her, one with just her, and one with her and me and my mom. they were okay but i've never been very good at smiling for cameras so i looked kinda funny. i went to church this morning and it was kind of odd. you see, lately, i've been feeling very odd towards Manny lately, like i don't care about our friendship as much as i used to and don't want to talk to him or see him as much as i used to. but anyways, this morning, i was wearing a new outfit to church. it was a skirt that fit around my curves and was black with white stripes and a black tank top shirt that has one of those tops that has a lot more material so it folds down and that fit well and because it was cold i also had a black button up on but i didn't button it... anyways, so Manny comes in a little late and he goes to an open chair that is in front of me and a couple of seats to the left and he looks at my face, looks down me and up me and says i look nice, i was a little uncomfortable to say the least. but i did get to see Chris for the first time in about two weeks because i only get to see him on Sundays because he's homeschooled and lives in a different city than i do and he's been sick lately so he didn't come to church on last friday (movie night) or last sunday and didn't go to the Return of the King first showing on Tuesday night so i just got to see him, which was nice, and we talked for a little while
well, i do believe that is all i have to say for right now, as Robert would say, peace