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:: 2009 21 January :: 8.30pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" By: Flogging Molly

Shoulder
Well, the other night I was joking around with my brother, and went to lightly punch him. While my arm was in mid air, no force applied, my shoulder popped completely out. It felt like a shoulder cramp, like when you get a charlie horse in your leg, but when I looked over, it looked disgusting. The top part of shoulder was over by my collar bone, and where it should have been was completely caved in. It has happened before, but it always pops right back into place. But, we went to the hospital and after some x-rays, they said that my tendons/ligaments were way too loose. So now, I am wearing a shoulder immobilizer and it sucks. I can't use my right arm at all, and the bone doctor said I can take my arm out of the immobilizer, but when I try, it's too painful, and it feels like my arm is going to pop out again. So, I leave it on. Here comes the worst part...

Next Thursday, January 29th, I have to have shoulder surgery. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that at all. And they said it would take me two months to recover, and on top of that I have to do rehabilitation therapy for my shoulder.

Then, my dad called earlier and apparently my Grandma had a suggestion. She wanted to know if I wanted to stay with her for a few days after my surgery. So, I am thinking about it. It would be nice. I wouldn't have kids or dog's jumping on me or bumping into me. And it is more relaxing there. So, I haven't decided yet, but I am thinking about it. Any opinions here? HaHa.

But, better go. It's hard to type. Just figured I would update, so you don't think I'm dead. HaHa. Bye.

Sincerely,
Cripple

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acidtears

:: 2009 16 January :: 9.49am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Bella's Lullaby

Lately..
I am now on the third book in the Twilight Series. "Eclipse". So far it's a good book, unfortunately I haven't been able to read it much lately. I've been busier than usual. Hopefully this weekend will give me more reading time, or time to hang out. Because I swear, I am going to lose it if I'm forced to stay here all weekend. We were supposed to go with my dad this weekend, but he's going to be in South Carolina. So, maybe I will be able to relax this weekend. I highly doubt that, but, I still hope. Yesterday I had to clean the dining room lamp above the table, I had to clean the chairs in the dining room, and I had to do laundry. I was going to have to do dishes, but since Tanna was the last to do the dishes, her dishes were greasy and still had food on them, which meant I didn't have to do them, she did. I hate dishes. The sad thing is I would rather scrub floors, toilets, and all that deep cleaning stuff instead of do dishes.

So right now, I would definitely rather be somehwere else. Ava is screaming at the top of her lungs, she is trying to hit, kick, and bite me, and I am so sick of it. I am sick of this being what makes up my daily life. Screaming, Kicking, Yelling, Stealing, Biting, Hitting, Cigarettes, Cleaning, and what not. I deal with this everyday, while others sleep in until the afternoon. I wish I could sleep, I wish I had time to read, had time to dream. But I don't. I have to keep my head out of the clouds, or else I will get in trouble. If chores do not get done in a timely fashion, I get bitched out. But, it is pretty hard to do some of these chores, while watching a 3 year old hurricane who can scream so loud it will make your ears bleed. It gets very tiring. And, if I stay here this weekend, I will have to deal with it some more. Because god forbid any of the other kids help with her and the house. God forbid I try to get some much needed sleep. So tonight, I will be begging for an escape. Somewhere else to be; somewhere away from here. I wish there was a place to go on the weekends where not even a phone call can reach me. Somewhere I don't hear "I hate you" on a daily basis from a mouthy toddler. This is why I cannot wait until I become 18. I don't want to grow up, but if it means I can get away from this, then I am ready.

I need to escape, from hell.
Samm

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cJessicaPyne

:: 2009 12 January :: 12.03am

Dear Isaiah Jakob,
It's been a year and 3 minutes since I found you and lost you all in one moment. I'm going to see your grave today but it's more than that. I come by to say hello all the time and I leave you things, but selfishly keep your lamb and blanket and hats and clothes..

But today is different.
Today is more.

Today is my realization that no matter what, time is going to keep marching by but this will never hurt any less. Nothing will ever feel so right wrapped around my finger than yours. Or my arms around you.

I don't fight the tears anymore.
I'm not ashamed and I'm sorry that I ever was. I'm sorry that it took me a few days to confess to my father, but I was scared, and I'm so sorry.
I know you already knew that. You already knew everything I needed to tell you. One breath was enough, for you, little man.

I'll still always want a million more.

But that's because I'm your mama and I love you and I miss you, and damn it, 8 hours was NOT enough. These pictures, these clothes, these toys, these cards - they get me by. But they're nothing compared to being able to fall asleep with you, even if it was just one night.
I breathed you in and memorized your scent and face and could probably measure out perfectly how long your fingernails were.

Things have changed so much and this world is a mess. Sometimes I'm glad you're there, and not here, because this world sucks and isn't fit for you and your perfection.
If there were some way I could cut to the front of the line and be with you, I would.

Or maybe we'd cut ties and sneak away to string together stars and build our own world, just the two of us. We could race pirate ships to nebulas and back, drink laughter and feast on dreams, and just be happy.

Because Isaiah Jakob, talking to a cold stone and damp grass just isn't working for me.

I see Kaleb and Karis and Emilio and Eliseo run through the house on the holidays and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see you running along behind them. Or beside them. Or in front. Or maybe you'd do your own thing. Maybe you would rather sit and watch.
I was a watcher too.
Maybe you'd be outgoing, charming the pants off of every lady in every supermarket. Or maybe you'd be shy, covering your face.
Maybe you'd have my curls and pull at them nervously.
I do know you had my lips and my eyes and my nose.
I've pictured them all scrunching up into a smile for so long.
One year and three minutes, to be exact.

Your aunt picked up your Christmas star from the funeral home and gave it to me on New Years. I wrapped it in your blanket and tucked it in your chest.

And I cried just as hard as I'm crying now.

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