:: 2005 19 November :: 1.37 pm

Do people actually read this journal? Do people read my opinion about life?

Sometimes I write bullshit, being angry. But sometimes I really do write stuff that makes sense, to me at least. I wanna share that with people, I'd wish they could say to me "Yeah your right"...
And give me the feeling that I'm not tottally wrong about everything. All I got is my own opinions, but what use is that if I can't share it with other people?

"Why Do People Cut Themselves?

It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is what experts call an unhealthy coping mechanism. This means that the people who do it have not developed healthy ways of dealing with strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. "

Yeah I cut to make myself feel better. The pain distracts me from the shit thats going on somewhere else. I'm starting to cut deeper. I actually hope that I cut so deep sometime that the blood will stream out. It gives a rush but it also just helps me I guess. I don't know why.
It doesn't hurt that much as mental pain. I told Gaby I wouldn't do it anymore... but she said she would quit smoking aswell. I know she quited for a while... but it doesn't matter if she just starts smoking again. Lies.

School isn't fun anymore. Life isn't fun anymore. There isn't anything fun to live for. Except Gaby. I live for her. I'm scared of losing her. She really is something special. She is perfect eventhough she has her flaws. She is more perfect then anyone else.

Seeyeh.

O RLY?

:: 2005 16 November :: 12.33 am
:: Music: Drowning Pool - Hate

Where are those people who think like me? Are there even people like that? At school I'm supposed to have friends? All they do is make the best of their life just like me... they don't give a shit about me. Everything what's in my head is what matters, everything out there doesn't matter. Gaby's always in my head, she matters alot. Miss her alot. Her kisses are the sweetest. Everyone is taking me away from her. They don't care if I'm with her. They all think I suck aswell. What do they know. I'm fighting against them..those assholes. The whole fucking human race. What the hell was God thinking when he created humans? Everyone is against me and you know what? I don't give a fuck. Assholes. I'll take on everyone. I stand for what I believe in and theres nothing that can pull me down. Fuck you all. Wretched humans in your sick little worlds. None of you deserve to live.

There she stands with her flute,
blowing the tune of my life,
always the same sad tune,
it'll fade away when I die,
then it will be me standing there,
blowing the tune of my soul,
the same sad tune.

O RLY?

:: 2005 7 November :: 11.18 pm
:: Music: Bon Jovi - Ugly.mp3

O RLY?

:: 2005 5 November :: 10.18 pm

I wonder where she is. Its saturday now and I think on monday she'll be back in boarding school again. At least I hope so. Right now I'm really paranoid that she might have killed herself... I can imagine. In India with her parents whom she doesn't like specially her dad. In a place she doesnt like either. She can't talk to me from there. I cant talk to her....I dont know. I hope she's ok. Ill wait for her forever and yes its hard. Gotta be strong. I miss her alot. Im trying to lessen that pain by keeping myself busy.....taking my mind off things. But its hard. In everything I do it always pops up in my head again. I cant sleep during the nite, I sleep during the day. I feel shit. Going to school sucks alot. I feel really guilty....she has to do the harder part. I dont know why.

O RLY?

:: 2005 2 November :: 11.19 am

I'm at school now and I miss Gaby alot. I can laugh but I'm hurt inside. I can focus on other things to make the pain lessen a bit.... I hate living like this. Trying to forget bout the pain makes me feel guilty but it just hurts so much. I can manage though. I can be strong right. I havn't heard anything from her for like 3-4 days. I'm worried bout her, I never know what she might do to herself or what happend to her or whatever. I hope she's still there...

O RLY?

:: 2005 31 October :: 12.55 am

I keep trying to make myself feel less bad. I keep chatting on Isketch the whole day. I dont eat much anymore and tomorrow I have to go to school again which is gonna be so fucking bad. I dont wanna go back into that same old dragging rhythm......I wanna be with Gaby. I DONT WANNA WAIT ANY LONGER. I don't know who I'm supposed to be pissed at for my life going this way.....God? It is so frustrating.
Gaby and me, the rest is decoration. I always say I hate the human race and I wouldn't mind if they all died. I dont know. I guess I don't really wanna hurt anyone. I specially dont want people to kill themselves. They have to find a solution. And if they have found a solution share it with other people. Help each other make the world a better place? Its so useless....the world is so big but yet so small. Patience is a virtue. Life is time, waiting is living? It feels like Im losing grip on my life. It's dragging me along with it and theres nothing I can do bout it. Being thrown into a wild river. The stones in the river are just to slippery to stand on....I'm drowning.

O RLY?

:: 2005 29 October :: 12.37 am

I miss her more then ever. I don't know if I'll last for another 5 months without her. The last week being with her was just... Have you ever had a dream that was so amazingly nice that you wish it could have been real? That's what it was. It was just so nice. Spending time with her is all I ever dream off. It's so nice to see her face, hear her voice... I can talk to her, tell her everything. Even when it's embarrasing to tell, I can tell her. I don't wanna live, I do not wanna die. All I ever wish for is to be with her alone. I don't want world peace or anything else. Just being with her thats all.

I gave her a little note, just before I got on the train and went back home. It said something that I would see her again and that she shouldn't be sad and cheer up. It just made her more sad. I'm so sorry I wrote that. I didn't mean to make her more sad but I don't want to see her sad. She doesn't deserve all this sadness. I just think she's confused. That's all, but arn't we all a bit confused sometimes. I believe there is heaven and hell, God and Satan. Though I worship neither of them. I pray to God he'll have mercy for her. It's not her fault. She has a hard life. It's not her fault.

I love her. And I'll stay with her forever. Even after death if I can help it. I don't wanna lose her ever. I don't wanna exist anymore without her. She just makes me complete. Why does life have to be this way. So hard...

Its hard...