::
2005 28 October :: 11.10 am
The reasons why I do not kill myself:
• Fear for the unknown
• Fear of losing Gaby
• Fear of the physical pain
The reasons why I'd wanna go on living:
• Just wanna give it a try
• Making Gaby happy
Whatever reasons I have to live or die. No one will be able to stop me. I wish I could kill myself and go to heaven.
Feeling as bad as I do now, I just want somebody to talk to me, with me. I don't wanna talk to my mom. She's just not the right person. I wanna talk to someone my own age....I don't know anyone...I wanna talk with Gaby bout feeling this shit but I can't.....fuck.
Im going to hell for who I am.
O RLY? |
::
2005 27 October :: 3.09 pm
When the only person who means something to you is about to die how would you feel.
Just because I don't act like I'm hurting inside doesn't mean I'm not aching inside.
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna live. I just wanna be with you till forever and ever. Life has no meaning at all. It's just a word for time. We all exist in time but all I care bout is being with you. When I said you were cold.... you were at that time. But your not always cold. Just like me you can be cold sometimes. Shit happens. We have these feelings.
I don't know what to do to stop you from killing yourself. You want to die. I don't even know if I'm doing any good if I stop you from killing yourself. Should I kill you to help you? I can't do that. Should I kill your dad to help you. Should I leave you to make it easier for you?
You once sended me this big parcel just before you tried to kill yourself. How lame of a farewell gift was that. If you were to die that's all you would leave me with? I don't want anything from you when you kill yourself. I dont want you to kill yourself....ever. Die by natural cause or accidents....period.
You love me I know, but still I am not important enough to you though you can control me in whatever way you like. You can make me so happy and you can make my life a hell on earth if you want to. Do with me as you wish, but please don't kill yourself.
I can't say it enough.... it makes me so tired that I try to help you without any use.... it doesn't work. I can't do it anymore...I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.....I cannot give up ever....I have to keep trying again and again and again and again and again and again and again......even if it fucking kills me.....I will never let you give up. NEVER. You won't kill yourself, not aslong as I'm here. You'd have to kill me first. It said something in your dairy that really shot a hole in my heart. I'm to lazy to quote it.
The last week has been one I loved so much. You were there with me, you slept next to me and I watched you as you slept. I couldnt have been more happier. Yesterday I was with you, and now I'm back at home again.....broken, dissapointed, tired...there isn't anything here for me except a place to stay. You are my real home. I miss you so much already.
O RLY? |
::
2005 18 October :: 12.51 am
Wednesday 19th Ill go to swiss. I booked some hotel... I mean so they kept a space free. But today on the internet I saw they were booked full. I hope when I get there they will still have a place for me to stay...
If not, then Ill have to sleep at the train station or something... if the cold freezes me to death... I don't care. Life sucks anyway and least it won't be suicide.
O RLY? |
::
2005 17 October :: 12.50 am
:: Music: Dope - Thanks for Nothing
2 more days and I get to see Gaby. Honestly saying I'm scared. Who knows what will happen you know. Stuff can happen in the time we havn't seen each other. Oh yeah and second I'm scared I won't find the damn hotel I picked out to stay at.... which would suck big time. I just hope everything would work out the way I wanted it to be. No fuck ups, just everything going smooth. I wonder if Gaby wants to stay with me for a week though. I mean she must miss her home aswell and now when she has like 7-10 days holiday I'm gonna be there and keep here with me the whole time.... maybe I should have made it shorter..... I don't know what she wants. I know that I wanna be with her as long as possible. She's not stuck with me. She can go wherevere the hell she pleases and I won't stop her. Unless she goes with some other guy then I'd fucking kill him of course....but thats obvious isnt it? DUH~~~!!!!
She thinks its weird im scared and nervous or whatever....but why is it weird..... I havnt seen her for so long. I wish she could understand cause I feel shit bout it that she thinks its weird. I dont trust myself, I doubt myself alot. I just think she would have been better off with someone who has lotsa self-confidence and knows what he wants instead of some doubtfull hesitating little creep who doesn't know what the fuck to do!
She probably doesn't even like me anymore but she doesnt wanna hurt me..... maybe...
O RLY? |
::
2005 13 October :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: Careless
:: Music: Nickelback
I stayed home from school today. Could care less bout those teachers. The asses want me to come to school while nothing is going on at all. We dont learn anything we don't have to do anything so I'm like screw all that and I went home. Well I went home yesterday, today I just didnt go. Anyway 'nough of that stuff.
I just played WoW the whole. Had this quest where I had to get the key for Onyxia's Lair. It was easy but just dragging on and on and on. Very boring. And finnaly I had to get the blood from General Drakkisath. So I did get to kill him with 14 other people. Only 2xBlood dropped though and those asses just snatched away from me. It was late and I had to quit but I'll try again tomorrow. ONCE I WILL KILL ONYXIA!!! ^^
Oh yeah and I made this thing as signature for on the Tul Acharn forum hehehe.
O RLY? |
::
2005 13 October :: 11.22 am
I feel nothing,
No love, no hate.
What I wouldn't do to hear some music which sounded like the voices of a thousand angels.
The emptyness consumes.
O RLY? |
::
2005 12 October :: 3.21 pm
Evanescence - Going Under
Now i will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
I'm Going Under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Going under
I'm going under
O RLY? |
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