::
2005 11 October :: 2.55 pm
Can hate for one thing, replace the love for another?
O RLY? |
::
2005 10 October :: 4.15 pm
I feel:
Shit,
depressed,
bad,
pain,
sad,
alone,
angry,
tired,
fooled,
crappy,
confused,
annoyed,
bored,
blank,
worried,
uncomfortable,
scared,
guilty,
frustrated,
enraged,
irritated,
jealous,
numb,
crushed,
dissapointed.
There is no happyness...
When Im gonna see Gaby again I don't know how I'll react. I think I'll just be cool bout it. I know that sucks but I can never express my emotions nor do I want to. I don't know how Gaby is gonna react. If she's gonna be really happy and stuff its nice but if she stays cool its ok aswell. I havnt seen her for so long, I'm scared she changed. I'm scared that my feelings for her might have changed when I get to see her again. I'm just scared of everything new. I called her last nite and I don't know when I talked to her it was nice. But...I felt so blank. There were other girls sitting with her cause I could hear them, didnt really knew when to hang up the phone but she did... I always feel so fucking dumb. Why does she even like me, I'm such a loser. She needs a guy who has a good education, someone who is smart, someone who looks nice, someone who can get a good paying job. I just think I'm gonna dissapoint her so bad sometime. I don't think that I am what she wanted. I'm scared she'll get bored with me, she'll stop loving me. All these dumb fucking thoughts...damn it
O RLY? |
::
2005 2 October :: 10.59 am
Life your live the way you want, not the way you should.
"Should we do the dishes together to get it over wtih?" she said while I was sitting on the couch in the morning half an hour after I woke up. Grrrrrr it pisses me off. NO mom I do NOT wanna do the dishes...but I did it anyway. I wanna do it when I want to, which wasn't now. My mom only does things when she thinks they need to be done. If you ask me it just creates lotsa stress and bad feelings. Damnit.
Yeah making a big fuzz over the dishes... I just don't need my mom anymore I think. And she probably knows it but doesn't wanna admit it. It's basicly the only thing she's good for she thinks. The only thing she lives for is me and my 2 brothers... damnit mom. Doesn't she see that I don't need her to be there for me? I can take care of myself. I wanna take care of myself. She knows. Maybe thats why my little brother is her favorite cause he is the closest thing that needs a mother. But he's a total ass and doesn't know jackshit. He's a fucking ogre who doesn't know anything bout feelings or whatever. A perfect product of society. Just like my big brother. And I'm the failure of the family... and I love it. I wouldn't want to be anything like them.
O RLY? |
::
2005 1 October :: 12.30 pm
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Passive
Humans bring out the worst in me. I hate them. Their selfish behaviours, their fear off being overrun by others and their lack of living. I dont think they even have a grip on their lives. They just do what they think they are supposed to do instead of doing what they wanna do. This morning I went to get some money from the bank and then go to the bookstore and get some cards. At the bank I put my bycycle along the wall and these people waiting to pull their money out of the wall were all staring at me. I stared back at them, sighed and shook my head.
When I had my money I went to the bookstore and got those cards. Waiting infront of the counter the woman before me payed and left. I think it was my turn but then this other woman quickly went infront of me takng my turn. Without even asking me if I was infront of her or not. It's not the rudeness that bothers me. It bugs me where that rudeness comes from. She's just scared of being overrun by other people, wanting to be the so called "strong-woman".
They all think I look weird with all my black clothes, my black nails and my messy hair. But they all look weird to me with their colory coats, their freaky pants and their strange massivly made hair cuts.
They are nothing more then products of society to me.
i've had enough of it. Next time when something like that will happen again I will tell them. Damn housewives, they are so selfish and egocentric. I have no respect for them at all.
On the news yesterday there was something I did have respect for. They were telling bout a girl who jumped infront of a train to possibly end her live. Then there was this guy who jumped after her and pushed her away to safe her. But he died himself. I have alot of respect for someone like that. He sacrificed himself to safe that girls life. That's one guy I have respect for. I don't know what he was like and I don't care. What he did makes up for everything. The ultimate prize, death.
My mom is home for the weekend, it's noticable that something is wrong with her. She still walks around as if she's a bit light in the head, all fuzzy. Don't know if she has to go back on sunday, she probably does. She was busy washing clothes and I asked her if she liked doing that. She said she didn't. Why do you do it then? I asked. I can imagine if you wash your own clothes but we can wash our own clothes now. My own clothes arn't enough for one washing run, she said. Whatever you want, I told her and I walked away.
I think she does it cause she want's to be a good mother and if she wouldn't do it she would feel guilty. Every little thing that isn't right in the house, like a dirty floor, not cleaned toilet or lately not washed cothes reminds her of being a bad mother. I think she also doesn't have a grip on life. I think she had this breakdown cause life just was to much for her. She couldn't keep up anymore, to handle everything in the order she received it. Like a slide everything slided down and she couldn't catch it anymore, it all fell down in a deep pit and now it's there where she can't reach it, where she can't solve it anymore.
Could you catch 10 balls at the same time?
I still need to get 150 euros from my mom, and if I didn't need the money I wouldn't bother her with it. But I do need it. The hotel I got in mind to book in case I can't stay over at Gaby's place costs 1120 CHF or something. And I need the 150 euros for that to have enough money to pay for it. She doesn't have it on her back account though, so I'll have to ask my dad to lend it to me and I'll pay him back when I get the money from my mom. Actually I hope I can stay in the hotel instead of staying at Gaby's home with her parents. At the hotel we'd have the whole room for ourselves without her parents bothering us. But then again I wouldn't have any money left to go out and do some neat stuff. So it wouldn't be bad either if I could stay at her home with her parents. One way or another I will be seeing her again. I hope one day she can forgive me for not being there when she needed me the most. I know she can't forgive me for that cause she never did forgive her parents for not being there with her at her first boarding school. I suppose this is kind of a same situation. I feel really guilty about that I left her alone like that. I just didn't know what else I had to do. What could I have done? I hope she understands. I never meant to do her harm in any way. I got my studies over here and she has her studies over there. Should I have given it up to be with her there? Should she have waited for me at her home till I was done with my studies? I think what Gaby and I have done now was the only thing we could have done. The best for both of us, who knows what would have happend if we didn't choose this path. I don't even remember when she left. July 2005? No, she already went away when I was working. June 2005 I guess. Thats like 3 or 4 months, but it feels like I havn't seen her for 6 months. I just hope she still likes me. I shouldn't get cocky and see it as a normal thing that she loves me. I am very lucky indeed that she loves me. Me out of all the guy's she could have got, she chose me. It does make me feel a bit special. Though I am a bit scared that I'm not the guy anymore she fell in love with. She met me on the internet in some chatroom. I'm so different on the internet. Wel...acting different though it is me. On the internet I act like who I am. Out there in real life I can never express myself, never be the silly dude who I am. Hand me a few beers at night and I'll show you who I am hehe. It's just hard for me to be myself I suppose. Please don't blame me for it. Alone with Gaby I am who I am. The guy from the chatroom. Maybe I have grown up a bit, but hey I'm still that same guy. If you don't believe me I'll just have to poke you and tickle you to death untill you admit I'm right =P
I love you Gaby, always have and always will. Your more important to me then my family, but I can never tell them that. They'd feel insulted and betrated I suppose. You are my number 1.
I hope I won't dissapoint you. I love you.
O RLY? |
::
2005 30 September :: 9.04 pm
:: Mood: C a l m
:: Music: Racoon - Love You More
There is one thing that every girl has, there is also one thing that every guy has. It's an important thing but I don't know what it is. Even if the thing that girls have is something I wouldn't like, my will to get a partner would not be strong enough to chose a guy above a girl. Meaning I'm not gay.
I miss Gaby
O RLY? |
::
2005 28 September :: 12.11 am
NEWSFLASH! PEOPLE DONT LIKE TO BE JUDGED!
I'd say fuck those people, for a change I say JUDGE ME! It's not like it means that I am what you judge me but it's fun to see what morons think of me =) (the smiley face stands for saying Fuck you with a smile)
--Goth--
Do you wear black eyeliner :: WELL...not really
How much black clothing do you wear :: OMG IM BLIND!! OH NO...its just my head in my closet with all the BLACK clothing.....*lame*
Do you think about death often :: Death hell yeah *drool* cant stop thinking bout it *rapes death* shexay
Are you a social outkast :: Yup, hate big crowds, hate people, etc etc
Are you pale :: The shun, IT BURNSHHHH
Do you cut :: No...do you want me to?
Do you like hot topic :: Well yeah I like it, they got some kewl stuff but they got lotsa shit stuff aswell + its fucking expensive....
--Skater Punk--
Can you skateboard :: Hell no....would be kewl if i culd tho...
How often do you go to vans :: Never? I get random shoes, from random shoe stores...im very....random....YEAH! \m/
Whats your sneaker brand :: I dont know if they are sneakers but they are teh roxxor!!!!
Do you do stupid stuff with your friends :: I dont have friends.....I dont need friends to do stupid stuff I do those all by myself...smart eh?
Are long skater hair cuts cute :: Errrrrrr....what if Im a guy?
Do you ever get in trouble :: No...cause I spend most of my time behind my comp, tv or whatever else has a screen.....is this place cuby or what?
Do you listen to bands who are considered "posers" :: 1. I doubt it... 2. I dont care what other people consider to be... 3. FUCK YOU
--Prep--
How many times do you say "like" :: Dude...like, alot actually
Do you go into abercrombie& fitch :: I didnt know alien lifeforms from Uranus had vagina's. "Greetings earthling, we be Abercrombie oder die Fitch! You may go into us nowAAAHHHHH"
How often do you wear makeup :: If nailpolish is considered to be make up then i have to say all the time...
Ever had a manicure :: hell no....
Rock music is bad rite :: Yeah its evil!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Are you ever ditzy :: WTF IS A DITZY!
Do you own high heels :: Yes huge ones, they make me look taller and they really show my hairy big foot legs combined with my mini skirt....*puke/gag/die*
Have you ever said " Oh my gosh" :: Noh...
--Hippie--
Is your hair long :: Its about covering ear and eyes length WO0t and going longer...go hair go hair ur the bestest
Are you a vegitarian :: Fuck no....i love to sink my teeth in your meat...I MEAN MEAT!
Do you own a tye dye shirt :: A wah? o.O
Do you want peace :: Hmmmmmmmm...*ponders the situation*
Do you want to save the animals :: Well yeah sure...if id care...
What do you think about war :: FRRRREEEEEDDOOOOOOOMMMM!!
Have you made a peace sign with you fingers :: Yah like in that movie Independence Day when Will Smith goes like "PEACE!!!" and then nukes the aliens wo0t
--Gangsta--
Are you from tha ghetto :: I dont think so...
Do you own " bling bling"? :: Does MC Donalds happy meal toys count as bling? I own lotsa bling then yo!
What do you think of do rags :: That sounds like one of those duster thingies u use to clean up dust o.O Do-rags....now in stores near you only $9,99!
Was tupac really the greatest rapper? :: He looked rather small to me...
What do you think about afros :: Very annoying in theatres...
Have you ever said fo shizzle :: SUE ME!
How bout oh snap son :: WHAT?! no....
--Emo--
How often do you cry :: Errrrrmmmmm sometimes...so what?
Do you have an acoustic guitar :: Fuck no...I dont like acoustic
Are you emotional :: Isnt that what emotions are for?
Do you like soft music :: Depends
Do people understand you :: No...and I dont understand those motherfuckers either
--Jock--
Do you play sports :: Hand sport? OH YEAH OOOO YEAH!!!! *spurt*
How important are they to you :: Well at least 1 time a day is pretty fucking important o.O
How important is your rep :: Im still not exaulted by the Stormpike >.< I NEED THAT UNSTOPPABLE FORCE!!!
Do you pick on tha geeky kids :: No...let them be...I hate assholes who pick on geeks just to pump up their self-esteem
Are you considered a bully :: I doubt it
--Geek-
Do you wear glasses :: FOUR EYES...no
Do you get good grades :: How the fuck should I know, they havnt graded me yet in the new school year...
Are you smart :: Define smart....
Do you use an inhaler :: You mean a bong?
Do you stick pens and calculators in your pocket :: o0o good idea, thats darn handy
Does your mom pick out your clothes :: my mom being in a mental institution i dont think she's capable of that....
How often are you on the computer :: What do you mean on the computer? lol you say it as if there is something else out there...your hilarious...
O RLY? |
::
2005 25 September :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: T i r e d
:: Music: Nickelback - Photograph
Feeling lonely is different then feeling alone. Feeling alone is just the feeling of not having anyone around you. But feeling lonely is feeling left out by everything and everyone, time has stopped and everyone is moving on without you. Everyone is going their own way as are you without anyone to hang to. I don't know what I feel is loneliness or just feeling alone but I feel like shit. I hate having friends like the ones I have in school cause they have so many flaws. Humans are so weird sometimes they act as if they have no other way to act. As if they are doing what their expected to do or something. Makes you kinda think if your the only being alive on this earth that has a will of its own.
I'm very desperate to see Gaby again, I need someone to hold on to. Someone who I can talk to and someone who loves me. I never should have started to love anyone but now I can't live without it. It's better to make the best of it.
21:16
I wanna spend my time with you now but your not here, I don't know what to do.
21:52
Every night I stay up to late, I wanna wait till I get your e-mail.
O RLY? |
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