Today I got a letter from Samantha. I was pretty surprised actually when I got it. Almost excited. I didn't talk to her in a long time. Since Gaby left to India I havn't spoken to any of my friends at all actually....very rarely. I think I have just changed alot since she left to India. I don't like it though, I wanna be again what I was before that. The letter was just random. It looked kewl though. Nice envelop, nice paper. She is pretty creative is she drew that stuff on the envelop herself. I liked the way it looked.

My mom is still in the mental institute. I visited her on friday and she didn't look good. She looked rather fragile, she was shaking quite alot and she lost 9 kilograms by not eating. I did miss her a bit actually. Home just isn't the same without her. She ain't a bad person, she can be a true bitch sometimes though. I guess everyone has that. I do think things happen for a reason. Mainly this thing what happend to my mom is cause of me. One time she asked me "Do you love me André?". I said I didn't love her. And she took it so seriously. It hurted her alot and she never really got over it... Thats just my mom, she cant forget bout things. She doesn't have anything to let it out on. Everything that hurts her or makes her sad or whatever shit happens she just stuffs it in and thats where it stays and it totally fucks her up from the inside out. It never shows untill its to late. And now she's back in a mental institute, yes again. It happend to her before. Tomorrow I'll visit her again, I just hope she's doing a bit better.
I told her bout going to see Gaby on october 19th and that I wasn't sure if I could stay at her place or not. My mom got worried over that. It doesn't matter, I'm in for some adventure. Besides I just wanna see Gaby again. To just get away from all my shit here and see her again. I wanna feel that excitement again I feel when I'm with her. See her smile and touch her hand. I keep staring at her and she says "what?" and I'm like "nothing" but in my mind I think "God, thank you for letting me walk aside a wonderfull person" I just wanna tell her how awesome she is and kewl and nice. I know she is just a girl. But to me, TO ME she is so much more then that. I wish I could share that with the whole world. My love for her isn't about the world, it's just her soul and mine. Imagine yourself an absolute empty space, and there in the midst of it all there is her and me. That's how I experience my love for her. There is nothing else for me that matters more. It's great to be with her, but its shit to forget what it feels like. And I did forget... I miss her so much.

I watched this movie with Bruce Willis tonight, Hostage. It was a kewl movie. Some kids who went into a house to just steal a car but shit happens and they get into more shit and there was this really fucked up guy named Mars (short for Marshall) and yah I was thinking, "would Gaby like him?" I always with guys whom I think Gaby would like. He was all dark, you know evilish. He was cool. Cool as in he didn't care bout anything. I never got that part. Girls are like wax in the hands of a guy that is cool. Or some girls even are so over a guy when he smokes pot and they are like "OMG he is such a kewl stoner guy".....yeah nice sure. That really makes me NOT wanna do pot. *hence the sarcasm*... I mean damn, there is nothing kewl bout some guy doing pot. But some girls would find it kewl to show off if they have a boyfriend like that I suppose. Anyway, back to the movie. That guy... I'm sure Gaby would be like "wow he is so hot and kewl and etc etc etc".... dude....I can imagine cause he was kewl and stuff. But why would she pick someone like me then to be her boyfriend. I never understand that. I hate being jealous. Cause there are guys that she likes besides me and its just a crappy feeling. It makes me wanna be angry and sad at the same time. It makes me wanna be alone and I guess thats the only good thing bout it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't care bout anything anymore. Not care bout friends, family or Gaby. To just not care and end my life, to get rid off all the bullshit that its got in it. But I don't.
Now I'll go sleep and wake up the next morning with a new day and everything willl start over again....fuck it.

Then we get to chose who we let in our little worlds.

You can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.

You've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable.

Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything.

You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.

You presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart.

Mom tried to kill herself a day ago by taking an overdose of sleepingpills. Didn't work, the only thing it did to her was make her almost unconcious. I don't get it either, she has this stronger medicine called Lithium Carbonate which is like poison to people who don't need it. She just had to take like 10 of those and she'd surely die so yeah I guess she didn't really wanna die. Doubt I guess.
Then today... my mom was brought to a mental institute. She was keeping back so much shit and depression that she totally collapsed. Only my brother and my aunt know that crap, don't know why I can't know. She's probably gonna have to stay there for at least 3 months and me and my brothers have to take care of the house meanwhile. I hope we can make it. Im sure we will. Fuck it. I feel sorry for my mom, she'd rather die then go to some mental institute.

P.S.: Don't reply on this entry.

Why the fuck is that girl everywhere I am...for fuck sakes. When I walked to school she was there, when I had lunch break she was there and when I walked at the trainstation she was there...gsus.
Well the only time she told me to smile was during lunchbreak though. And then I left school at 12:00 while everyone only is supposed to leave at 14:00 and I was early so I went to get a cheeseburger and yup she was there aswell GRRRRR I just ignored her though I did see her look at me. I didn't take the effort in looking back though.
I just don't like people...end of story.

Phew, she wasn't at the trainstation today but yah I guess she'll be there tomorrow or the day after tomorrow ugh. I just want to get it over with but this is so shit. Ok lets just IMAGINE she is there tomorrow on the trainstation Im walking there *whaddle*whaddle*whaddle* then I see her and she sees me and thats when I was supposed to smile. Ok...so I smile...and then she probably starts talking etc etc and thats gonna be the same then every morning when I see her...good god. If I dont be carefull Ill have to listen to her go on about nothing every morning....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. lol maybe i can take some other train XD ....ok ok ok ill just see what happens but one thing is sure there not gonna be more then talking.... but she just talks so fucking much, I dont know if my ears can take it...*sigh*.....

Oh precious lighting striketh me!

*voip*

-v^---v^----v^-------------- (x.X)

I have to keep writting here a bit more often cause I still havnt found the right book to start writting in my new journal...you know, with pen and paper??
So today sucked...well least I think so.
It was lunch break and me and these 2 other guys were just walking and walking... and then there was this guy with some of HIS friends and we just went to stand with them. Ok so they were all goths, and I guess the way I dress people would consider me a bit well alternative aswell I suppose but fuck that. So we stood there and these 2 goth guys were like talking bla bla bla bout their little amateur band needing a drummer....boring. And then they started asking names so when they asked me I said my name. And he was like whats up with the shirt? (I was wearing this t-shirt with the text "ireland by night" on it and it had some four leaf clovers and stuff.) And he was like "you think it looks tough or something?". I said "does it have to be tough"? I mean damn...what a dickhead....he was wearing a long black leather coat himself ...with a matrix inside which I thought was shit ass gay but above that he was wearing this AMAZINGLY gay ass shirt....
Like this....