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2005 12 September :: 11.59 pm
I go through life as a shade with nothing to hold onto but her.
A guy and a girl meet each other, they like each other alot. After some time talking they get to be alone somewhere and the guy kisses the girl. He brings the girl to her home and she asks if he wants to come in. The guy walks inside with her. In the house the guy sees something interesting and as he stares at it the girl turns him around and starts to unzip his pants. The guy says "you really dont have to do this you know". And the girl answers "I want to". The guy asks "are you sure your ok with this?" And the girl answers "I wanna do this". He asks her one more time "Are you sure?" and she says "Yeah". As they both get involved in alot of touching and kissing the guy encloses the girl and gets inside her. As thrusts again and again and again, the girl starts to weep. She tries not to show it. The guy notices and asks "Áre you ok?" And the girl answers "Yeah, I'm fine". He asks "Are you sure?", "Yeah, I'm ok" she answers. "When your crying I don't think your ok" he comments. And the girl lets out all her tears. She cries. The guy looks at her and wonders what went wrong...what did go wrong...
And I dont think it was a headache. I saw something simular like this happen on tv. Some movie it was I guess. I think this happens quite alot actually. What I wonder is, what DID go wrong. The girl says she's ok, nothing is wrong. Then why is she crying. No way, no how it could ave been her virginity. I guess it would be one possibility but why couldn't she just say so. I guess another possibillity could be that she wasnt to sure bout having sex with that guy and after it all she found herself making a big mistake...."what have I done".
After following her feelings and instinct all the time she finds reason when everything already happend? Sometimes I think girsl are totally instinctive and have no reason what so ever. As if they don't think. For example... I have never heard a girl ever say "I would never ever kiss another girl"...
And I know that when I ask a girl that "would you kiss another girl?" she'd start to think about it...."would I?" Why do they have to think bout that, just say NO. The only thing that makes you think about it, what makes you doubt to say NO, is the fact that so many other girls already DID kiss another girl and I supose NOT doing it makes them feel left out. And I know one thing is sure bout girls...they HATE being left out. A girl is ALWAYS more social then a guy, always. I just noticed that after watching them all in school.
Do girls expect guys to know whats wrong when they start crying during sex? Don't say your ok when you are not. It's very confusing for the guy and your not helping yourself with that either. It's good for nobody.
I guess I had a little experience like this aswell once before... but I don't know what to think bout it now. I always come up with conclusions about it way long after it. But I always want something cleared out of the way or else it keeps bugging me.
1. After a while discusing about wether to have sex with each other or not, they both agreed they were ready.
In the middle of doing it, the girl starts crying.
And they both completly agreed on doing it.
A - Did the girl do something wrong?
B - Did the guy do something wrong?
2. The guys asks the girl "are you ok?" and the girl says "yes" while tears are racing down her cheek.
A - The girl is lying
B - The guy should just know something is wrong
C - The guy knows something is wrong but doesn't know what
D - The girl is stupid in not telling the guy what the problem is
I dont understand girls.....you cry though still say your ok.
Tell me why...
O RLY? |
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2005 11 September :: 7.10 pm
:: Music: Nirvana - You're Right
I'm not weak, and I will not allow to be seen as weak. I hate to be underestimated.
O RLY? |
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2005 11 September :: 12.17 pm
:: Music: James Blunt - Cry
Even when I'm so far away from her I still manage to dissapoint her. I am so dumb, an idiot. For that one person I wish I never fucked up and I still manage to fuck up.
I guess it doesn't matter how hard I try but happiness for me on earth is just bound to fail. I'd just like to know WHY, so I can fix what I did wrong. It's just like your climbing this big mountain and you almost feel the cold air rushing over the mountain top. And when your almost there you get knocked down again by something you never saw coming. If that happens over and over and over and over to you, would you feel like giving up? Try to understand.
Just because I got all the material stuff that I need in life, that I'm not starving, that I have a roof above my head. That all doesn't mean my life does not suck.
Some people would tell me "what are you moaning bout you got a nice life". For the ones who say that, they do not know me. Fuck you for saying that, thats just harsh. Feelings are more important to me then anything else. If I dissapoint that one person I truly love, how do you think it makes me feel. If I can't help her or can't be with her, how do you think it makes me feel. But I need these feelings, without these feelings I'd be just a body.
I listen to music cause it makes me feel nice, it just makes me feel stuff. That's why I love music, I play games cause when I get killed in that game I feel anger, when I win something I feel joy. I can cry when I watch movies or laugh about it.
But the ultimate feeling is being with her. I feel everything then. She makes me feel so much alive.
Feelings are the soul of a human, they have to be. They are not physical, they are not things from your brain. They are just there and you cannot explain them. I am a soul, not a body.
Sometimes I send e-mails which I am aware of then, but when I go back and read them again. I can never remember that I wrote those. As if I was a total different person...but the feeling is true, its what I ever felt and always wanted to say.
I hope you’ll read this e-mail.... i know most of my e-mails are to long and really boring but still...it says alotta stuff I need you to know.... as you are stuck with your dad I am stuck with my mom......it wont stay like this forever...we will be together and have a great looking house and we can sleep in the same bed every night....we can laugh with each other, touch each other and really piss each other off.....and I cant wait till that time comes. You were right im fucking lucky with my life, its not so bad and for you. You wish it was ur life and I guess thats why I dont wanna kill myself and you do......I CAN understand that......but damn why do you have to be the one with a shitty life....i mean you...the person I love most above anyone else....exactly you are the one with a shitty life..... is it my destiny to save you from that life and make you die happy and old without a worry on your mind..... i dont really if that is my destiny but thats something Id love actually.... I wanna die old and happy with you....you always get the chance to die....but you dont get much chance to life....so take that oppurtunity...i beg you.....on my knees yeah....i really love you alot and I wouldnt know what I would do or what would happen to me if you would already die now and leave me here..... you got every right to do that though.... its your life...and what I hear from you its totally shit...you hate it and I hate it aswell....I AM spoiled cause eventhough I got everything I still ask for more...I ask for you not to kill yourself....now how spoiled is that... no matter what will happen to you I will always be there for you....if you have no more internet Ill write you letters, if you move away to India Ill come to visit you, if your parents kick you out of the house you can live with me and my family....it doesnt matter what is gonna happen I will always help you like a best friend would do.....but just dont kill yourself please....i love you so much...theres nothing we cannot solve together gaby....i love you....and I really know everything will change cause I love you, I know I love you and I always will love you....thats a fact....and you know whats more awesome....that you love me aswell...thank you for holding on
From
Your Best Friend
O RLY? |
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2005 2 September :: 3.31 pm
It's gonna be october in a month from now. I put all my hope in that month. I might be going to swiss in october. I might see her again in october. <-- read the words. DO YOU SEE WHAT IT SAYS!!! I might get to see her again in october!!! Hehehe love is a great thing, love for you is the best thing that happend to me.
I drop myself in the grass.
I look at the sky and see the clouds come by,
Your on my mind every second of my life,
Your close now bet yet so far away,
Come lie next to me and lets forget the world,
I life you, I miss you, I love you.
O RLY? |
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2005 28 August :: 1.40 pm
Why do I feel alone? Why don't I feel good about my life? Am I making the wrong choice in not being with Gaby? It sure feels like I'm making the wrong choice. If I could then I'd live in a apartment and ask her to come live with me. It's all so complicated. Life isn't fun at all. I don't go out. I don't have friends. Why do people go out, to seek entertainment out doors? I HATE TO GO AMONGST THE PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE... can you even call them people anymore. They value no life at all. They do not care or listen to anyone. In my opinion, they only go out and seek contact with other people cause they are desperate. Hell, I'm desperate but you don't see me going out. I JUST HATE IT. There is no fun in going out. There is no fun in doing anything ever... never. Everyone has friends, even Gaby has friends. I'm the only person who doesn't have friends.
If you can't live alone, then how are you gonna make it in life. I don't need friends, nor do I wanna make it in life. I wanna live in sadness and depression. Sometimes I even hope Gaby would get so dissapointed with me or would think I'm such an asshole that she would leave me, and then....then I can just end everything and stop living right. She's the only one I really really care bout and she cares bout me odd enough.
I am so fucking blind. I have no idea where I'm heading in life... I'm just doing what I think is best... but what if it's wrong. I'm I dragging you with me in my mistakes Gaby? What if I'm wrong... I won't only have myself with that... damnit. When I was really alone, when I didn't knew Gaby I could do anything, I was never scared to make mistakes. I didn't take anything seriously and made everything into a joke. Nothing did matter anyway, I didn't even care if I died or not. But now... how you have changed my life Gaby. I'm so scared.
You are a maniac killer.
It doesn't matter who they are and what they
have or haven't done. You still want to kill
them. And for a simple reason only; it's fun.
Seeing people in pain is like ecstasy. Maybe
you have some sort of mental problems or you
are this way because of previous deep scars,
only you know. But now you are sadistic and
maybe you only like to see a special group of
people be in pain (e.g. preps). However you are
not the most social person in the bunch and
people think you are weird. That bothers you
somewhat but atleast you can entertain yourself
with daydreaming about killing them. After all,
they have no idea what's coming.
Main weapon: Explosives and torture
equpiment
Quote: "Insanity: a perfect
rational adjustment to an insane world" -
R.D. Lang
Facial expression: Wicked smile
What Type of Killer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have "mysterious wings".
Not very many people understand you,
as you have a very complex soul. You have
some friends, but you trust very few of them.
PLus you don't open up to very many people,
and stay to yourself alot of the times.
Your wings give off an artist side for you,
even if you say that you dont have one. But you
seem to have your own style to your things...
What kind of wings does your soul have?
brought to you by Quizilla
1 YA RLY! |
O RLY? |
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2005 27 August :: 11.11 am
I think most people who have something to do in life (like work or school) deny the fact that they don't have any real freedom. At least I feel like I don't have any real freedom at the moment. Im stuck with school again, I'm expected to go there every day and follow every minute of it by some schedule. But I can't really do what I want. I feel like I'm being improsined once again. Its the same old feeling like the other times in school. Though my last school year didn't feel much like being improsined. But now, a new school, new people, a new place. Everything is new again and I just hope it won't feel like that forever cause when I start to feel at home there I'm sure it will feel less like a prison. I just wanna be free that's all. No attachments to live as in "I have to", I don't have to do anything, I... wanna... be... free...
I hate this life.
O RLY? |
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2005 25 August :: 4.37 pm
I got my new laptop and my journal looks fucked up in this resolution 1680 x 1050. Yes its a widescreen laptop. Thats all I wanted to say.....have a fuck you good day bye.
O RLY? |
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