:: 2006 23 March :: 11.16 pm

What does it matter anyway, I fucked up. Theres is no way back. I'm going to hell for what I did...period. What's the point in life now? I feel tired, exhausted from the sadness and the thinking. It's so bad. The guilt is very heavy. I'd like to kill myself but I can't cause I'm scared of the pain and what lies ahead of death. If only I wasn't scared. I won't make it in life. I just know it. I don't see anything in the future but cold darkness. YAY ME! I feel sick.

O RLY?

:: 2006 22 March :: 10.41 pm

It is better to be just alone. Then you can't hurt people. You have to take less responsebility. You will get hurt less aswell. So why does everyone always moan about being alone when it has all these benefits? I did things that would make you hate me. As a guy. Becoming what you'd hate the most isn't fun. If I had any self esteem then its gone now. I'm just as low as any other maggot on this world now. Caught up in the things that humans do. And my only wish right now is that I wish I never did it. But why do these things happen. Why why why. They cant just happen without a reason. I feel so shit about it. What do I need to do now. Where do I take off from here. Do I make a descision and then maybe it might be the wrong one and I end up hurting someone again. Which descision I'll make it doesn't matter... I'll hurt at least one person. Never can I keep them all safe and happy. I got issues, thats a fact. Don't know what I can do about them. I just want everything to be alright again. I was happy the way it was. At least it was just me getting hurt then and not someone else. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to have pain. I deserve no one.
I deserve to live, without joy. A punishment awaits me cause something bad is gonna happen. I can feel that. What it is I don't know. I can only guess. And I don't like the idea. If I end myself, does it end the pain?

O RLY?

:: 2006 21 March :: 9.55 pm

Promises
Guilt
Embarrasment
Pain
Confusion
Anger
Hate
Love

My life is pretty fucked up at the moment...

2 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 4 March :: 12.47 pm

No one ever broke my heart but myself.

O RLY?

:: 2006 27 February :: 1.18 pm

It's still the same, I hurt people's feelings and when I grow older it gets worse. At this point I could probably kill someone with words. And all I have to do is be myself. If I wanna stop hurting people I think I should kill myself. Something bad is gonna happen...something which will haunt me the rest of my life. Hate this, hate myself...

5 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 22 February :: 12.23 am

It hurts to feel that pain of several people,
It hurts to see them hurt themselves,
It hurts that I can't do anything about it,
It hurts that I don't know what to do with my life,
It hurts not to know what love is,
It hurts your not here right now.

O RLY?

:: 2006 16 February :: 1.09 pm

What do they know anyway, no one can really understand me. Don't try you'll only make a fool of yourself. Things happen for a reason... yes. But you don't make them happen for a reason. Love is there or its not. You can't make that happen. You can't make it grow. It has it's own way. People can't be alone. It's fact. And make it sound like that's their choice is bullshit cause they just can't be alone. Even if they wanted to be. Stop pitying yourself, make something of your life. In the things you do, you meet people... you'll meet your love and you'll be happy....but do not search for it. Don't try, cause once it will happen you won't have to try, you'll know its right.

Never does it matter what I say cause it's never used. I can only listen and it has effect. I can only absorb their pain and it's good. I cannot kill myself and they can. I need to help and cannot be helped. I'm not allowed to cut myself, neither are they but they still do it so why shouldn't I?

What does a feeling mean anyway, when you feel can you be 100% its the feeling you think it is? I'm not sure of any feeling I have, sadness mixed with anger, happyness mixed with love. But can you give them those names? I'm not sure about anything... All Im sure is that, I love Gaby... do I need to be sure about anything else? Not really.

O RLY?