Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Metro Grand Rapids Market:


Hudsonville Barbie: This born again version of the previous Barbie comes with a New Testament Bible. Her hands are flexed in the praise position and she gazes upward. While she drives a mini van, it comes with 3 different bumper stickers, Choose Life, Jesus is My Co-Pilot, and WJQ 99.3. As a bonus, she comes with a Crissy doll who was student of the month at the Home Schooled Society.


Cascade Barbie: Has freshness date on package. Do not buy after that date or product may be spoiled rotten. Comes with no appreciation for how the other 95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what makes her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard Working Ken, she will change her appearance . . .will gain 75 lbs., will cut her hair, and belittle anyone who crosses her. No one, including Ken, is right, ever. Ken's head melts after 17 years.


Sparta Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler Jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of BUD long-necks, and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pick-up separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal concealed gun license.


East Grand Rapids Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up H2. Included is her Starbucks cup, credit cards, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.


Wyoming Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Sparta Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter top. Accessories include a CD player equipped with Bon Jovi CD and a rusty old Ford pickup.


Plainfield Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, and a bad haircut.


Heritage Hill Barbie: This doll, made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and arch less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup, doesn't shave, and has a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She thinks Paul Wellstone was a Republican.

Rockford Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Chrysler Town & Country minivan. Her vehicle is used for youth athletic taxi service only. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.


Grandville Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer mini-skirts and CFM's constitute 90% of her wardrobe. Percocet prescription available. Elderly Ken completes this set. The pre-nup papers are as worthless as the Chinese-made paper they are printed on.


Comstock Park Barbie: This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) or on Sundays (Sunday school class). It comes with a case of Stroh?s Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for Hash Brown Casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager, and one cell phone (circa 1982, big as a toaster) with 15 anytime minutes. She is wearing the latest fashion from Big Lots that she wore on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken wearing the latest U of M T-shirt (two sizes too small), a sack of White Castles, and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.


Grand Rapids Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows, and her own Meth Lab kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Kens.

4 FeyBebop | Edward