'How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you.'

:: 2002 16 July :: 12.50am

but my life feels so surreal...
i cant do this anymore.

5 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 14 July :: 9.38am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: The Ataris- San Dimas H.S. Football Rules

These are the things that make me free...I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"....This night was too good to be true...
Today I am running on about 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of the time of my life.

2 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 12 July :: 1.40am
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: still silence will do for tonight...

and when it's great, it's even better. GREAT. I have so much to say but the words to say it with have escaped me.

:: 2002 10 July :: 11.37pm
:: Music: Modest Mouse- 3rd Planet

And your heart.....felt good. It was dripping pitch and made of wood....and your hands and knees....felt cold and wet on the grass to me...
Ahhhhh.....i want to scream and run and dance. When life is good, it is very very good....

:: 2002 9 July :: 12.03am

survey
BASICS
Name: Stefanie
Nicknames: Stef, Steffy, DJ Snowball? no...
Age: a little shy of 18
Location: Cedar Springs, MI
Birthdate:8/17/84
Family:Mama (Stacey), Father(Michael), brother-Brandon (11) Sisters- Shannon (12), Jessa (14).
Pets: Kelsa and Mooch

PHYSICAL
Hair color: Blondish
Eye color: Blueish
Height:5\"4 on my license but a little shorter than that...
Weight:120 but why would you care? it\'s not like you\'ll be benching me or anything.
Piercings: lots of ears and a belly button \"incident\" that has since passed.
Tattoos: i dont see that happening

FRIENDS
Best boyfriend: hey, what are those?
Best guy friend: I have a lot. robby and andy are my friends on a regular basis though.
Weirdest: all of my friends are weird. it\'s a requirement.
Most athletic: robby and nate with their weightlifting mumbojumbo i suppose
Friendliest: Dani
Most musical: Kev+Dani
Sweetest:Dani
Tallest: Kal?
Shortest:again...dani
Loudest: Eliz
Quietest: Andy
Best secret keeper: HAHAHA....ELIZ AND KAL....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THIS OR THAT
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Stars or Moon: moon
Sun or Rain: rain
Purple or Pink: pink
Sports or No Sports: no sports
Sprite or Mountain Dew: sprite
Guys or Girls: hehehe... i dig em both...lol
Walk or Run: i would love to run but am forced to walk
Winter or Summer: SUMMER

FAVORITES
Color: Olive Green
Food: chocolate chip cookies
Place: bed.
State: Kentucky
Flower: peach colored roses :)
Sport: soccer
Drink: diet coke
Movie: ack...West Side Story!
Song: Today it\'s Paper Thin Walls by Modest Mouse.
Band/Singer: Green Day, Dashboard, Ben Kweller.
Country: Sweden!

RANDOM QUESTIONS
What do you dislike about your body? I can handle most of it. my shoulders are a little too broad for my liking. And it would be nice to not have to buy my bras out of the little girl\'s section.
What do you like about it?: My eyes are ok. I am not missing any limbs, and I don\'t have any freakish deformaties.
Do you smoke or drink?: nah
prefer guy friends or girl friends? I make no distiction based on gender. a friend is a friend.
Do you wish you were older than what you are? How much older?: ack.. the WRONG time to ask me this. I wish I were 20 or 21, because it would solve all of my problems.
Is your second toe longer or shorter than your first one?: umm...it\'s the same length.

What do you find yourself thinking about most often?: boys boys boys music and food.
If you could have dinner with 3 famous people, who would they be and where would you go?:
madonna, tre cool, and the president. we\'d go to subway because subway is the shit.
If you could marry a celeb, who would you marry?: Ben Kweller of course.

JediBumblebee

:: 2002 6 July :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Grandaddy- Summer Here Kids

Take a trip, join me in the sun...but not really though, cause I ain't having fun....Cause summer here kids....summer here totally lies....
I thought summer was supposed to be relaxing?

At least...for the moment...I only have two jobs...

But I'm having trouble finding the time to do laundry...

And I'm sick of raising my mother's kids....

JediBumblebee

:: 2002 5 July :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Blur- Clover Over Dover

I'm on the white cliffs of Dover, thinking it over....but if I jump, it's all over...a cautionary tale for you....
Isn't everyone suicidal?

If you wake up and every day, you live...

and in living, you only lead yourself closer to death...

in essence, you live only to die...

you kill yourself by living

because every day you live, you've brought yourself one step closer.

just a thought.

:: 2002 3 July :: 11.21am
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Modest Mouse- Paper Thin Walls

It's been agreed the whole world stinks, so no one's taking showers anymore....
seven things you can't do:

1. I can't: sleep as long as I would wish to.
2. I cannot wait till: college starts up.
3. I can't stand my dad's: pushiness
4. I can't stand my mom's: temper
5. I can't eat without: consuming food.
6. I can't stand that: everyone is always so negative.
7. I can't wait much longer: until I have to start getting ready for work.

top seven songs people should listen to
1. Green Day- The Ballad of Wilhelm Fink
2. Artificial Joy Club- Sick and Beautiful
3. Cake- Rock and Roll Lifestyle
4. Fiona Apple- Angel
5. Dashboard Confessional- Hands Down
6. Counting Crows- Kid Things
7. Ben Kweller- It's Not Fair

top seven things you say the most:
1. Yep
2. heh
3. eh
4. Mad Crazy
5. mackin'
6. ugh
7. hello

i find: that the summer is moving quickly.
i want: to go shopping.
i have: to go to work.
i wish: I didn't have to go to work.
i hate: all three of my jobs.
i miss: having free time.
i fear: nothing.
i feel: sleepy.
i hear: my wonderful beautiful mix tape.
i crave: some juice.
i search: for all the stuff that dissappeared when my room was moved without my consent.
i wonder: if he'll be there.
i regret: wasting so much time on insignificance.
i love: life.
i ache: in my feet and back.
i long: for freedom and for answers.
i care: more than I ought to, and less than I should.
i am always: working.
i am not: lazy.
i foolishly believe: that i CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

five favorite trips you have taken:
1. CANADA! Windsor trip.
2. Cedar Point when I was super little.
3. Stratford trip, freshman year.
4. Stratford trip, this year (it had its memories)
5. North Carolina with Kat.

stuck in your head frequently:
1. songs from the mix tape.
2. human beatbox chants...hmm...
3. thinking about boys all day long..
4. any of the dumb britney spears pepsi commercials...

four things you'd like to learn:
1. To play the guitar...
2. to speak spanish
3. to ski
4. to steal hearts

four beverages you drink regularly:
1. diet coke
2. lemonade
3. carrot juice
4. tangerine mango juice

four tv shows that were on when you were a kid:
1. Fraggle Rock
2. Muppet Babies
3. Are you Afraid of the Dark?
4. RoundHouse

four places to go in your area:
1. My house (there's a pool!)
2. Menards (woohoo!)
3. Elizabeths (I end up wandering in there at odd hours anyhow)
4. Great Day (c'mon, there's always someone you know. mad parties in the parking lot.)

four things to do when you're bored:
1. Get on the internet
2. Look for food
3. Go to work
4. sleeeeeeep

four things that never fail to cheer you up:
1. boys. nice ones.
2. college
3. chocolate chip cookies
4. swimming

about 20 years ago...
1. my parents were married
2. I wasn't born
3. my parents were young and ignorant
4. Pigs could fly

about ten years ago...
1. I was antisocial and studious and overall everyone thought I was a freak because I was "advanced"
2. I had siblings..
3. My dad told me I had to get a full ride scholarship to college because I had too many siblings.
4. I was almost 8 years old.

about 5 years ago...
1. I was a horrible child.
2. We'd get drunk at Pam's house and smoke and steal cars and stuff..
3. I did a lot of other bad stuff that I do not care to divulge...
4. I was 12.

about 2 years ago...
1. I was crazy bouncy hyper all the time...
2. Started dating charlie.
3. I didnt watch any TV
4. I had good roles in both the plays.

about one year ago:
1. I was an angsty teenager
2. I had a crazy summer
3. I felt like I had reponsibilities
4. I worried too much

Today...
1. I have no worries
2. It's really hot out
3. I have a great time doing whatever
4. I am going to college and I don't have to pay for it.

:: 2002 1 July :: 11.37am
:: Mood: invincible
:: Music: John Mayer- My Stupid Mouth

I'm never speaking up again, it only hurts me....I'd rather be a mystery....Oh, I'm never speaking up again...starting now....
So everythings been going on all crazy lately...my whole new infatuation, plus a few more dates...I'm been working 40+ hours a week, almost every night plus the weekend, and just got offered another job with my dad where I'd fill my mornings 40+ and skip straight from job one to job two. Not to mention Lazer Skate, I should be posting the calendar right now rather than journalizing, but eh, thats life. I don't have any stress, really, because I'm doing what I want. But the trouble being that there are a WHOLE lot of things that I want to be doing, and there's not that much time.

I haven't really been too specific with my updates lately...
I had orientation and it was awesome. I'm glad to be a Bronco. The Honors college doesn't seem that bad either, I met a couple guys there that were really awesome, and chatted it up with almost everyone. The dorms.... eh ...what I expected. I have a nice looking schedule....my earliest class is 9, but the next after that is 11. Monday and Friday I am out before 1. And my latest class runs til 5:15. So I can party every night! lol. Doubtful. But I did find out that Western is fourth in the country for handing out MIP's. I've already met all of my first year requirements. I tested out of the basic math program, and also Spanish 100. So that was pretty exciting. I might double major in Spanish now too, just because it looks so good with a business degree.

Had that open house business too... My cash turnout wasn't the best, but considering my parents don't have any friends, I did alright, it'll get me tires on my car and books for a year. No FUN for me. Oh well. And the party....You really learn who your friends are at this point, because now is when you can blow people off and it doesn't matter because you might never see them again. I have the feeling that's the reason for such a small turnout at my "party". But thank you to those who came. Even if it was a little crazy. And for those who didn't come...yeah, I get it. I probably didn't like you all that much anyway. So poop on all of you. :(
Its so hot out...I dont want to go to work because I don't want to put on real clothes...ugh...

:: 2002 30 June :: 10.24pm
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: The Jazz June- The Medicine

And couldn't this just be the theme song selected for me...he picked it out for me....
Well, I'm speaking the world's worth of insignificance...
I guess I should have left left-alone unsaid.
Cause it's been cold,
Cold as forever
On this forever afternoon
When a pin drop is already too loud.
Charcoal has erased the ceiling.
I guess the burn has settled somewhere past the city.
Lights, they burn in fever yellows...
I guess I should have left the questions left unsaid.
The medicine's a simple answer to rely on.
So I fucked up, but I'm getting on with my life.
Getting on with my life, it all seems a simple answer to rely on, answer to rely on.
So I fucked up, but I'm getting on with my life.
Getting on with my life.
It feels like there's a point to everything.
It feels like there's a point to everything.
The summer holds the nails to kill the questions
When I'm beating paper with ink.
So I fucked up, but I'm getting on with my life.
Getting on with my life, it all seems a simple answer to rely on, answer to rely on.
So I fucked up, but I'm getting on with my life.
Getting on with my life.
It feels like there's a point to everything.

:: 2002 28 June :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Green Day- Going to Pasalacqua

Here we go again, infatuation touches me just when I thought that it would end...oh but then again it seems much more than that....but I'm not sure exactly what you're thinking....
and BEAUTIFUL THINGS find beautiful ways of falling into place...

Life plays cruel jokes...but sometimes they are just all in fun...

and now it all seems to make sense... and you think as I do... you act like I need you to. And still you are yourself. You are everything I need.

I hear my voice in you, and so I am open.

:: 2002 27 June :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: Everclear- You Make Me Feel Like A Whore

There is this place inside....where all the good things die...sometimes I feel like a whore...
And I realize...
You know what you're doing. But between us I see major differences, stylistic differences.

I stopped because I felt like I was being shaken. The physical sense, but more than that. I got a mental shake, like someone saying "Wake UP! What are you doing here? Isn't there more than this?". I had to agree. I'm going to wise up. I mean it this time.

I've had a taste of something amazing, I can't settle. Never settle. Comfotable is nice, suitable is good, but perfect is best.

I see far too much trouble arising from continuing to act the way I traditoinally do. I will always be a tease. But I can say what I mean.

My life, my world is open. Once again. Something's coming. I can sense it in the air.

3 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 26 June :: 11.10pm

Answer questions using lyrics from only one band.

Band: Green Day

1. Are you male or female?:
She...she screams in silence.

2. Describe yourself?:
I'm hexed with regrets and bad luck
Keep your distance 'cause it's rubbing off
Or you will be damned to spend your life in hell
Or earth with me tangled at your feet
You finally met you nemesis disguised as your fatal long lost love

3. How do they feel about you?:
You're mommy's little nightmare
Driving daddy's car around

4. How do you feel about yourself?:
Do as I say not as I do because
The shit so deep you can't run away
I beg to differ on the contrary
I agree with every word that you say
Talk is cheap and lies are expensive
My wallet's fat and so is my head
Hit and run and then I'll hit you again
I'm a smart-ass but I'm playing dumb
I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no rights

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:
Said that i'd meet you
At the Berkley Marina
3am when no one will be found
All i got in mind
Is a Boone's Farm jug of wine
Smash the bottle in the parking lot
But considering our luck
We'll get busted by the cops
Instead of sex we'll go to jail
Another lesson learned and failed

6. What would you rather be doing?:
Gotta make a plan
Gotta do what's right
Can't run around in circles if you wanna build a life
But I don't wanna make a plan for a day far away
While I'm young and while I'm able all I wanna do is...

7. Describe where you live?:
Pay attention to the cracked streets
And broken homes
Some call it the slums
Some call it nice
I want to take you through a wasteland I like to call my home
Welcome to paradise

8. Describe how you live?:
No time and no copping out
She's burning daylight and petrol
Blacked out the rearview mirror
Heading westward on
Strung out
On confusion road
And ten minute nervous breakdowns
Xanex a beer for thought
And she determined...

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...
Is it salvation?
Or an escape from discontent?

9. Describe how you love?:
Here we go again, infatuation
Touches me just when I
Thought that it would end
Oh but then again it seems
Much more than that but
I'm not sure exactly what you're thinking

Well,I toss and turn all night
Thinking of your ways of affection
But to find that it's not different at all
I throw away my past mistakes
And contemplate my future
That's when I say...
What the hey!

10. Share a few words of wisdom?:
Why does my life have to be so small?
Yet death is forever
And does forever have a life to call its own?
Don't give me an answer cause you
Only know as much as I know
Unless you're been there once
Well I hardly think so

Do you think you're indestructable
And no one can touch you
Well I think you're disposeable
And it's time you knew the truth...

Cause it's just one of my lies!
Well, its just its just one of my lies
And all I wanted to was get real high
Well, its just its just one of my lies.

:: 2002 23 June :: 12.54am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Air- High School Lover

just drifting around on a mad crazy trip/ something happens that changes your life around/ you sit still and watch it spin/ dizziness abounds/ a change in my life comes a change of heart. i feel it coming/ i know you mean something. i know that there is something more/ deep/ deep/ deep/ i can feel in you. there's so much here for you and I, you and me/ please just let it flow let it go/ added to the whirlwind of my thoughts and the hurricane created by this turn of life/ turn to me. I know you feel it too/ don't let this slip away.

4 FeyBebop | Edward

:: 2002 20 June :: 11.05pm

Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
[Angel.]