Jason Atman is kool.

:: 2010 22 March :: 4.35pm

Well, i wish it would get green and warm. I feel like I am totally falling behind with everything. I am tired, sick, and have a lot to do! I wish that mike could find a job, and we could pay our bills, and that I could feel accomplished for once.

Life just feels so hectic lately, I don't know what to do.

:: 2010 17 March :: 4.41pm

my head is killing me... my throat hurts... i think i am generally just falling apart.

:: 2010 16 March :: 4.06pm

it should also be said that i seriously need to change my layout

2 Ah HO | What Chu KnOw AbOuT ThaT?

:: 2010 16 March :: 3.58pm

there is something to be said for the fact that everytime i go to write on a friends wall on facebook, not only do i get distracted by looking at other wall posts but then i feel so sad after being distracted that i don't write them anything...
I would say i am crazy, but that probably isn't news
Of course it could be that part of me that wants to have people want to be around me, but whats the sense in that if they all just piss me off or let me down anyways.

I guess I should just stick to reading... at least in books I can't get hurt

:: 2010 9 March :: 4.06pm

i love being left out.
go me

1 Ah HO | What Chu KnOw AbOuT ThaT?

:: 2010 16 February :: 6.57pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry

Life.. it happens whether we want it to or not..
I feel like I have hit a stand still in my life.
I don't feel like I am moving forward or backward.
I am completely happy with everything that has happened.
I love my life, just feel like it's too straight and narrow.
I hate my job; getting up at the same time, leaving at the same time, doing the same thing everyday, and seeing the same people.
I hate the repitition.
I understand that no matter what job I will end up doing, I will be doing the same thing over and over.
But after 2 years, I need a new scene. I need a different atmosphere.
I need to be able to go to work, and know that I'm not going to get into an argument with my boss over something petty.
I need a drastic change on the job front, like yesterday.
Something where I will see different people everyday.
I might be able to handle getting up at the same time, and leaving at the same time, if i had a different atmosphere to go to, and enjoy.

Having my nights to myself is lonely, and although I should be filling it with my homework, I don't.
I don't have the ambition to do my homework, because I am too caught up in being exhausted from work, and thinking about how I am just going to be going home to an empty, well almost empty house.

Ugh!..

4 Ah HO | What Chu KnOw AbOuT ThaT?

:: 2010 25 January :: 5.42pm

All the cool kids are doing it..
Has a hate list of her own today..

I hate that I have to be mean to get anywhere with morons that have better jobs than me.
I hate that I suck as a friend.
I hate that I don't realize that some things have boundaries, until its too late.
I hate that there isn't anything I can do in certain situations.
I hate that my boyfriend is back on second shift.
I hate that I have no ambition to do the ass load of homework that I have piled up on my desk.
I hate that I hate so many things.

Thought I had more to say, but I lost it..

:: 2009 31 December :: 11.22am

I was trying to remember what I have done on New Years Eve for the past 10 years.. but there are some blank memories in there..

So, if you were involved, tell me memories you shared with me..

:: 2009 31 December :: 2.49am

this is me being pissed.

grrr....

somedays i just don't understand why he even bothers, especially when i seem to just be a nuisance...

box

:: 2009 29 December :: 4.29am

This is the kind of thing we need to hear these days.
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our
liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow
private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by
inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow
up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until
their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers
conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and
restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.

- Thomas Jefferson, Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury Albert Gallatin (1802)

1 Ah HO | What Chu KnOw AbOuT ThaT?

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.06pm

Had a rough couple of days.
They were more or less just extremely emotional and frustrating.
Had a hard time dealing with the 5 year anniversary of my grandma's death, and then this being the first christmas without my other grandma.
Argued 2 days in a row, with probably the most ignorant person in Ionia County.

I have felt a lot of unnecessary stress this week.
I think I am finally getting over it.
Thought I would have more Christmas spirit than I ended up with, but I guess shit happens.
Better luck next year.

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

Everything
So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....