:: 2004 28 June :: 1.10 am

"oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed 'take notice, take interest, take me with you'..."
i wish he knew that he could make everything right... but that he could also make everything wrong. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew i loved him so. and i wish he felt the same.

:: 2004 26 June :: 2.29 am

thank you andrew you made my night wonderful.

:: 2004 23 June :: 11.49 pm

so maybe i should do something someday. maybe i should make something of myself. i wish i could. i wish i could be happy. its all i really want. but i'm not. i'm here at home, bored and lonely. wondering what you're doing. are you having fun? are you with your friends or are you by yourself? are you happy? i wish i could make you happy. because i would. and i would never stop. and things would be good and perfect. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
well i guess i have nothing else to do but pray and hope that someday you might find that you need me. maybe someday i will be desirable instead of invisible to you. at least i hope that someday you will need me. because i need you... and i miss you. and i'd give anything to be with you...

:: 2004 22 June :: 2.34 am

i need something to get me through this. i need you. i'd give anything for you to want me around. anything...

:: 2004 21 June :: 2.02 am

i think i messed up. i told ryan the secret. but i guess it should get out eventually. tonight was good, i guess. *********************** i'm seeing stars... i can't help it. i like him so much... he's everything to me.

<3 always.

:: 2004 20 June :: 2.07 am

i missed you in massachusetts, i missed you in california... i miss you in illinois. i miss you all the time. every day... especially every night. i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. i wish things were like they were. i wish we were together. we had fun. things were good. i never had to worry... only about saying something stupid. i wish i would have said more... i wish i would have said how much i care. i wish i had another chance to do that. i wish i had another chance to be with you. because i miss you. and i need you. i wish you needed me too.

:: 2004 18 June :: 1.35 am

still don't know what i'm doing any why i'm even doing it. another thursday night wasted. every day is wasted. and every night is just the same. so confide in me, because i will be there. and because i won't tell because i don't have anyone to tell. i hate this town, i hate these people. the only thing i want to remember about this place is him. and i don't even know if i can do that. well actually, i know i won't forget. i need a sign... i need something to get me through to good times or something that at least seems right.

:: 2004 17 June :: 12.44 am

so she can go to sleep at night knowing that everyone wants her. and i can't go to sleep at all because i know that tomorrow i will wake up alone. i can't feel but numb and i don't know how to make it better. i know i'm not ever going to be as pretty as she is.. so i guess i'm never going to be loved. i don't know what to do anymore. i just don't know what to do. i can't fake this anymore. i can't fake being okay because i am not. it hurts so bad inside of me that i can't even breathe anymore. yeah sure, i will put in a good word for you. because of course you are just using me to get to her. everyone is. i mean why would anyone want me? i'm not anything worth anything. i'm just worthlessness and nothingness. i'm everything that no one here wants. and no matter what i do, i'm never going to have what i want. because, eventually, he will want her too. and i can't run away because i can't bear these thoughts of leaving you. but i have to. i will have to. then i don't know what i am going to do. because i feel as if i can't live without the hope that maybe some day there will be an e-mail or maybe a phone call.. or maybe i will see you passing by... i live for those moments. and if they are gone... i might as well be no more. but i guess i already am... since you are easily going on without me.

:: 2004 16 June :: 11.43 pm

don't you hate it when your friends turn into bitter assholes. i'm really through with caring though. i'm really through with caring about anything anymore. i'm sick of worrying what someone is going to think if i do something that i want to do. i just want to say fuck you to everyone who wants to pull me down. this is my life and i'm going to do what i want. and if that includes going to car races, playing golf, and sitting on my ass, then i am going to do it. so if everything ends up going downhill from here then theres just not much i can do about it. i'm through with this stupid teenage drama.

... but in the heat of my anger... i still miss you. <3

:: 2004 16 June :: 1.29 am

all i know now is that i am not happy. i went tonight to see someone who wasn't there. i wish people wouldn't lie... and i wish people would show how they really feel. maybe that would make a lot of things really a lot easier. i can't figure things out, and i'm not being given a chance. i guess i missed all my chances... i don't know. i hope i didn't, but if fate is real, then maybe things will still turn out. i've been praying every night, but i don't know if its been helping. i'm still tired and lost and feel so hopeless. i only have like 2 months left and i feel overwhelmed. i don't know what i am doing here or anywhere. and the only time i ever felt okay was when i was with him... when the only thing that i was scared of was if i would say something stupid. i miss him so much and again as i have said i would give anything, i would give up everything for another night with him. and especially maybe for forever.

:: 2004 14 June :: 1.35 am

"man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, but Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreampt at all..."
well there were good nights, and there were bad. i guess theres really nothing to do but keep praying and hoping. one day hopefully things will turn out right. maybe someday i will be happy....

i will stay i will stay i will stay...

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.13 am

for a moment all the world was right...


what do i do wrong?

:: 2004 10 June :: 12.42 am

well i should have known not to get my hopes up. it was just one of those things that only happens once. i thought it was my big second chance, but i'm not so sure. things aren't working out right. but still i love him. this only made it stronger. i just really want to ask him... are we ever going to be more than "just friends"?


and i hope he says yes.

:: 2004 9 June :: 3.19 pm

you are my only one...
last night was the best night ever. it was fun and amazing and so much fun. i just can't even describe it. the only thing that could have made it better is if andrew had talked a little more. he is so quiet... which isn't a bad thing at all. i will be infinitely happy if we can even just be friends.



wow...

:: 2004 8 June :: 12.34 am

i don't really know what to do. just listen to the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder who exactly you are driving around with on this monday night. hopefully its shane... but sometimes i doubt it. i've never felt this down... and i don't really know how to make things good again. all i want is for you to like me, even if just as a friend... and we can talk, and hang out, and even play some golf. i don't care... anything. maybe i'm just lonely... or maybe i am completely and utterly in love. i don't know... and maybe i never will... because i had my chance, and as much as i would give for just one more... i don't think i am ever going to get that. .. ...