i don't know why it bothers me... but i just really don't know what happened to us. i never should have went to boston, i know that is why. i knew back then, but i didn't believe it. but this isn't working. i can't do this anymore... i thought we had something. i don't know if i was right or wrong, but why is he doing this? i just wish someone could tell me, but chances are he doesn't even know. i don't know what he is thinking... i don't know what he was ever thinking. but i miss him so much i could cry. i miss him so much i don't even know what to say.

another friday night alone in this room... something is missing....

or maybe someone...

okay... so i know what you're thinking... actually i have no idea what you are thinking? is anybody even out there? anywhere? you have to be... i know you're out there... somewhere out there...

well i know the roads are winding and the lights are blinding... but somehow something will end up right. it has to... everyone seems to go through this... and everyone... well most everyone ends up semi-happy. at least with something to show for it. i don't know... i don't even know why i come here. it is quite a waste of my time and it always just gets me thinking about things... things that i don't really care to think about. i've been through a hell of a lot... not so much as some, but still a lot... and i don't think i really have much to show for it. maybe a few battle wounds, but i don't even believe that i have participated in the good fight... whatever that may be. ... ... i don't know.. for all thats on my mind, i sure do a lot of rambling...

i am looking out for something new. what is all of this that is happening here? some things change for the better... and some are for the worse. and it amazes me how fast things change. i can't wait for another twenty-four days.. i can't wait to put all of this behind me and forget everything i have gone through to get here. i just don't want to think about anything or anyone anymore. i'm happy here where i am? aren't i? maybe i made the wrong decision.. and maybe it was right. but at least i chose a direction to take. at least i'm going somewhere... doing something. if not the right thing, some thing... right? and i've seen the subways of boston, i've seen the palm trees of california, and i've seen the muddy mississippi in st. louis... and i've decided here is home. and home is where i'll stay... at least until i find my way away.

there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how...
At first it was everyday. A new message from him... even if it was about nothing, he seemed excited to write. every saturday night was driving around the towns, wasting gas and time, but boy was it fun. we'd talk about everything... from the blue and white viper model we both had to what we wanted to do with our lives. eventually when the towns cleared, we'd venture to the country... explore new roads that neither of us had ever been on. sometimes we'd end up lost, and come speeding back into town to part at nearly 3 a.m. time went on, mostly the same. he met my friends and i met his. the messages were still coming... but not until wednesday. i didn't mind though... i knew he was busy with school. and i now had wednesday to look forward to. we started hanging out more with his friends instead of alone... and then with my friends. it was never just us again. then the messages came only on fridays... one lonely message it seemed without interest. he seemed bored and preoccupied. his friends needed him... i needed to see boston. since then... the messages came only when i wrote first... they were quick responses... nothing new. just answers to the few questions i could think to ask him. we stopped seeing each other except for in other peoples cars and occassionally in church. then the messages stopped completely. i would check every day and sometimes twice just to make sure he hadn't dropped me a line... but no. wednesdays and saturdays were just that again... just more days in the long week. i haven't talked to him forever it seems... except for the casual "hey, whats up" he always greets me with when we pass by each other hurredly. i don't know why but i always seem to think back to new years eve night. i spent it with him. he looked at me like i was something special.. he wanted everything to be perfect for me. i read back over the messages he had sent and how they had progressed. he seemed so energetic at the beginning... then it was obvious that the interest he had in writing me had waned. i hope and pray that it is just school that has kept him so busy and occupied. i pray that summer will bring him back to be the person i knew not so long ago... but i don't really know if thats ever going to happen again. i guess i will know in a week though... so that is why i think i miss him most on wednesdays and saturdays.

so it was another long day... i'm sick of reading, sick of writing, sick of feeling like this. sick of acting like this. there is so much to live for... why do i feel like there is nothing left. i read back a few pages... how pathetic am i. i have gone through the same ignorant feelings for the last time on here. i refuse to let things play out like this. starting tonight.. and from now forward... i am going to live for so much more...

i am scared of airplane rides and being alone. it was a long week in california. a long week of no communication. a long week of more and more dissappointments. i'm tired... tired of everything and everyone i spent it with. i don't miss palm trees and ocean waves. i missed being home. i thought i belonged here... but i guess i don't. not with who i wanted to belong with. all i really know is that i am so tired of feeling this way. but i really don't know any other way of feeling. i guess its my fault... i threw away the happiest time of my life. it was the best time i ever had... where i actually felt like i had a friend or two. but then everything fell apart... i guess i knew it would. nothing gold can stay. and its my fault i know... i should have known right away. i guess i just got closer than i thought i did. i want this feeling of longing to go away, but i don't want this feeling of longing to go away. i can't explain anything. all i know is that i miss so much those nights of driving aimlessly and getting lost on country roads... and i fear i took them for granted and that is why they have been taken away from me. if i could have one thing in this entire world... i would have those nights back... and i would make a difference. i would do something... say something. like that song says.. "sink or swim you've gotta give it a whirl..."

all i want is one more chance....


please...