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2004 19 January :: 10.21 pm
:: Music: "think twice" eve 6
i like to think that everything happens for a reason. and i like to think that everything thats been happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening. i mean it seemed to work out perfectly. everything was wrong and then along came andrew. and he made everything right. he is a great friend. and he makes me so happy everytime i get to talk to him or see him. so happy that i can't wait to see him again. and thats really all i have to say.
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2004 17 January :: 8.16 pm
wow its been a while. things are happening slowly, but fast. we are becoming friends. talking all the time. i've known him for so long and nothing ever.. and now all of a sudden, i love him.
well thats all that i've got.
goodnight.
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2004 7 January :: 12.29 am
listening to azure ray...
talking to ryan and cal on msn...
thinking about why leslie is so confused...
thinking about why i am so enthralled...
wondering why i keep doing this to myself...
but loving every minute...
<3 always.
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2003 31 December :: 5.09 pm
happy new year everyone.. be safe. have fun.
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2003 30 December :: 1.00 am
"hold on love" rocks my world. so does andrew.. dare i say. why the fuck are so many people online tonight. i'm out.
love always and rock out.
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2003 26 December :: 3.47 pm
i'd like for things to be easy again... unconfusing... but, things change. i thought maybe a simple new year would be just the thing for me, but now with leslie trekking to louisiana, i find myself with nothing to do but head out to that party of dennis'. i know the traditions, and i know what will go down there, but i need some social interaction. so i've planned an escape i suppose. i'll be gone before midnight. gone before the resolutions and goodnight kisses. gone before anything bad can commence. but still i'm afraid. its been a month, a month since the last time i've seen him. he wished me a merry christmas and all those feelings came back, so i don't know if i can handle wild country tonight... and i don't know if i can handle that new years eve party. i don't know what i will be able to handle. and its getting close to the time when i will have to make my decision whether to leave or not. so i guess this could greatly influence my decision. i don't know anymore... if i ever did.
anyway... i'm tired and have to endure hell this afternoon and early evening so i will depart.
<3 always and keep rockin..
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2003 25 December :: 12.36 am
well i guess that all there is left to say tonight is... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.
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2003 23 December :: 1.04 am
i don't know whether i'm just lonely or if i'm still in love...
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2003 18 December :: 5.35 pm
i guess its not so bad...
all i need is a pint or 2 and a shoulder to cry on. my best friend comes home tomorrow. i can't wait to catch up. this christmas is gonna be great... i hope. can't wait to party it up and just have a good time. and nothing matters anymore...
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2003 17 December :: 3.53 pm
this is because i can spell confusion with a k and i can like it, its to dying in anothers arms and why i had to try it... its to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car where the first star you see might not be a star, i'm not your star...
its... over.
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2003 16 December :: 8.48 pm
:: Music: hannah hold on - the get up kids
i never witnessed bitter like this, i think i was shot in cold blood
thank god it will be holiday in 3 days. i can finally sort through my feelings and why i can't seem to sleep a night without dreaming of him. leslie is right... he is not the same person i fell for 2 years ago... but i know in him somewhere that person still is... and i feel as if i wasted 2 years waiting for him all to find that he no longer exists. i don't want to feel this heartache any longer, but it won't go away. and i know healing takes time... i never thought i'd get over eric, but that didn't take long. this is just so much more than that was... this is everything... was everything. and to have such friends and such hope was wonderful, and now that it is all gone, i feel so empty.. so hopeless. nothing feels like it will ever be right again...
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2003 14 December :: 3.46 pm
:: Music: "displaced" - azure ray
its sort of strange... all i used to want.. all i used to think i needed... is gone.
it does sadden me that no one calls to ask me to do anything... but then again, the only reason i want to go over to dennis' is to retrieve my camera. i don't honestly feel attached to any of the people that i used to feel so strongly for. i'm through with trying to impress them and be someone i'm not. i don't know why it took me 2 years to realize that none of these people are worth giving up being myself.
well, <3 always and keep rockin'!
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2003 12 December :: 12.16 am
just before i forget...
i wanted to document what i want to name my kids... lol. i used to have the guy picked out but i guess that thats never going to happen but still...
Mitchell Andrew
and
Margot Noelle
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2003 12 December :: 12.04 am
its been terrible lately. i've lost all feeling that i had before... holiday is coming and all i can think about is leaving. i want to go to boston so bad. i just want to leave everything and everyone here behind. i want to be part of the city. big city life... being able to take the train to new york and baltimore and washington dc. all i want to do is meet new people and have a good time. i can't do that here. everything is ruined, all my big dreams have all fallen apart. i'm starting to think i'd be better off dead.
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2003 8 December :: 4.00 pm
i had a bad day today... and it wasn't even that bad. my winter depression is setting in early this year and it hurts. i'm listening to the get up kids and wishing that i was gone. After missing 3 days of school with the flu, i am overwhelmed by the amount of work i have. i can't eat and can't sleep and i feel as if i am all alone... when in reality... well.. i am. i haven't been out for fun in weeks... after the thanksgiving night incident. friday is the concert. it was supposed to be great... but now i think it will not be fun. i think it will be a burden. i feel sick about everything... the only thing that seems to make it feel right is contemplating the biggest mistake i could possibly make right now... hooking up with dan. but it sounds so good to me right now. i don't know what i am saying anymore... maybe later i can straighten this out.
<3 always and keep on rockin.
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