:: 2003 4 December :: 10.35 pm

i've been sick, which is why there has been no update. i am still sick and i want it to go away. its absolutely horrible.
i'm waiting on 4 college desicions, then i can finally make up my mind. i so want to go and leave this place. but all i can do is wait.

sickness hurts so i am leaving.
<3 always and keep on rockin.

:: 2003 28 November :: 9.06 pm

in order to extract my revenge... last night i got drunk without him. i did the chugging and the shots that he despises, just to get him back for lying... but then i realized... it is not him whom i am hurting... it is only myself... so i regret last night now. and i realize that i can't be mad at him because i really do love him... absolutely. so now that he's gone for the evening... i can loathe in my stupidity and hang my head because i love him and he does not love me in return.

:: 2003 27 November :: 6.02 pm

last night was absolutely terrible.
6:30 - dustin ims me and tells me to go to wild country with everyone. i wanted to.
6:45 - left for basketball game
8:00 - darren calls and asks for a ride to wild country if we go.
10:00 - get back from basketball game
10:30 - call darren and ask if he still need a ride. he doesn't.
10:35 - dustin calls and says leslie and i should go to wc.
10:36 - jayme calls and wants to ride around. we tell jayme we are going to wild country. she calls roger to ask if she can go. he says no. we decide to go without her.
10:40 - darren calls and says wild country is no fun tonight, don't come. we ask what he is doing now, he says probly going home.
11:00 - jayme calls and wants to go out.
12:00 - leave jayme. go to dennys to get food.
1:00 - leave dennys and go back through staunton.
1:30 - leaving staunton we see darren's car still parked at rogers house... meaning... they didn't come home like he said.
2:00 - go by dennis and dan's to see if they decided to go there. no one is there.
2:30 - go back through staunton. his car is still at roger's.
3:00 - go home very upset that a friend would lie to me.

maybe it doesn't sound so bad... but it hurt me... it really did.

:: 2003 23 November :: 7.35 pm
:: Music: seventy times 7

:: 2003 21 November :: 10.02 pm

tonight tonight... my best friend is coming home. she doesn't like the friends i have here. i was worried about what was going on tonight because i was afraid i couldn't turn down an invitation to go w/ him. but he went to bed. he said he wasn't going out tonight. and tomorrow... i am going to the party... and hopefully he will be there and i can show him that i can still be a good little girl... i can still be good for him.

:: 2003 20 November :: 10.38 pm
:: Music: "carousel" - blink 182

:: 2003 19 November :: 3.57 pm
:: Music: "wheel" - john mayer

:: 2003 19 November :: 12.11 am
:: Music: "ghetto cowboy" - bone thugs n harmony.... fucking right..

:: 2003 17 November :: 11.14 pm

shy is out. i'm through with worrying about what people think of me. this weekend in that car made me realize that there are a hell of a lot more important things than stupid crushes and worrying what other people think. things happen... they happen for reasons... numb is the new deep. done with the old me.

:: 2003 16 November :: 8.06 pm
:: Music: "lovesong" - the cure

:: 2003 13 November :: 4.21 pm

Setting: Cluttered desk. cd cases and booklets and a half bowl of cereal without milk. Something corporate blares through the speakers.

This is my life during the week. pleasantly plain and uneventful.
This is me in this room. Plain pink shirt and blue jeans. Plain straight dark blonde hair. Same dreams every night. Same wishes every chance. Same cds, same lyrics, same shotty attempt at musical perfection.

I hate this place. I hate everything about it. So why then am i considering staying?
We all know why. We all know why everyone stays. Is it love? or stupidity?
I always said i'd never stay for anyone... especially a boy. but now as i prepare to leave in the summer, i don't want to go.

Sometimes i wish i'd never met him... but still, i believe in fate... i was supposed to meet him for some reason. to love him? for him to change me? to make me a better person? or just to make me realize what i can't have?

I can't understand it... its been 2 years... 2 years we have stuck it out.. never growing apart... actually growing closer, even if not much closer. And we've begin to hang out, and he's agreed to go to a show with me... a band he's never even heard... so tell me my loves, what does that mean? what does it all mean?

:: 2003 12 November :: 9.32 pm
:: Music: "the no seatbelt song" - brand new

:: 2003 11 November :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: "wheel" - john mayer

:: 2003 10 November :: 10.27 pm

its only you beautiful, or i don't want anyone... if i can choose... its only you.
so i don't know.
i mean i do know... but i'm confused.
for one, there is dan... he is nice and cute. but way older than me... and i don't really know him. but he's into rock and is learning guitar... he's great. i do like him. but...
then theres the other one. i've liked him for 2 years... and i still do. way more than anything, i'd give my life for him in an instant, thats how crazy he makes me. i want to tell him so bad, but i honestly don't think he feels the same... and we've got a friendship now and i love it. i seriously don't think i can live without him. what do i do?
i know for a fact that dan at least likes me... he told me i was pretty... no one has ever told me that before. we did shots, we danced, it was so much fun... but actually, the whole time i was staring at the other one. leslie calls him denzel... so i guess i could do that. he's my everything. and i'm going to give up anything i could ever have with dan just because of the infinitely minute chance that something could ever happen with denzel. so call me stupid... but its only him or i don't want anyone...

:: 2003 3 November :: 11.57 pm
:: Music: the postal service