:: 2003 30 October :: 9.14 pm
:: Music: the mars volta

:: 2003 30 October :: 4.29 pm

this is so funny. leslie's mom found her journal... with all the intimate details of leslie's love life. its to my entertainment, but i would seriously shit if anyone found my journal and read it, especially my mom. thats why you keep everything online and everything nameless.
oh well... i'm going up to mizzou this weekend to visit leslie. i can't wait to go to the foam party. its going to be kickin! well thats all for now.
<3 always and keep rockin.

:: 2003 27 October :: 3.38 pm

so we straightened things out. we got drunk. we laughed, we cried. we talked. everything is alright.
now for my next crisis. roger knows everything... since april or before... which is absolutely crazy. i never realized i made it that obvious... so probly soon my friend that i have been crushing on for almost 2 years will be the guy that thinks i'm absolutely crazy.
and he's 21 today... so he'll be too cool to hang out anyway.
this sucks.

:: 2003 25 October :: 3.44 am

tonight was officially the worst night of my life... first, i know that every guy in the whole world could want me, but not the guy i want. he'll never want me... never. i know that fo sho. second, i got an e-mail.. from my best friend... she said she didn't want to be friends anymore. she said it was over.
i seriously don't know what to do... i am trying not to cry, i am trying to think positive and remember that everything happens for a reason, but its so hard. why is everything so hard for me... so now i have no friends, no boyfriend, nothing... i have nothing. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to think. why can't i just be pretty and popular... and why can't he just love me? why can't i have friends like every other 18 year old in the entire world. i'm such a reject. i might as well die. i am good for nothing. my life is a huge disappointment. just when i thought things were working out, they turn around completely, and now i am even more alone than before. not only that, but now i don't even have anyone to talk to... no one else but her knew about my crushes, and my hopes, and all the stupid shit i've done. this can't be happening... it has to be a dream. this can't be real.

:: 2003 23 October :: 10.21 pm

everything is falling to shit. saturday coulda been awesome, but if i keep to my reasoning then it worked out right... but still. all i want is one dance... at least. and i could die happy.
but 4 days... i can't take it. and now leslie is fucked up. jayme is on my side but there is only so much she can do.
all i want is him. all i need is him. why can't i just have him?...

keep rockin & <3 always.

:: 2003 21 October :: 11.03 pm

too much drama. 6 days... well actually 5. i don't know what to do and i still don't know what to say... i'm praying there is fate because if not i'm lost.

:: 2003 18 October :: 8.31 pm

so no one ended up going to the party. i'm relieved to say the least.
last night leslie and i drove around aimlessly for a while then met up with Jordan. Then he told us to go over to mike's so we did. drake, jake, jordan, and curt were the only people there. they were playing playstation and taking hits. even thought they were doing that it was still fun. i actually had a good time. hopefully tonight will be as good if not better.
<3 always and rock it.

:: 2003 16 October :: 10.47 pm

so about tomorrow night. its friday. my best friend is coming home from school. but my friend jayme asked me to go to a party w/ her in stl. one problem. leslie (my best friend) isn't invited. so i know the right thing to do is to just forget the party and go out w/ leslie... but... .... .... ugh, he is gonna be there... i know i'm just going to be hurting myself by going to this... i need to find a new boy... someone who is actually interested. damn me. i am so stupid. but i can't help it. with one mention of his name i am so there... and i think jaym knows this. i think she does. so i don't know what to do. i just don't know.

:: 2003 15 October :: 10.53 pm

so i lied. i can't stop thinking about him. this is so going to ruin my life. he's everything i need but exactly opposite of everything i think i want.
:: ways he's perfect :: - nice, sweet, tall, innocent, sexy, sincere, polite, cool...

:: ways he's not :: - he lives in the country and probly doesn't plan to move, he's an electric engineer w/o a job, he doesn't appreciate brand new, he's nearly 3 years older than me...

so the good obviously overrides the bad, but my aspirations of being a city girl, an architect, a bohemian, are all thrusted aside when i see him or even just his car and all i can think of is how i yearn to make him mine. hell, even his msn name makes me swoon. i'm crazy for him in every single way... i don't know what to do. i know i should tell him, but we're such friends now... i don't want to ruin one of the best friendships ever... before next year tho, and before i leave... i'll make sure he knows. and if its not meant to be, it won't be. but i hope it is.

:: 2003 14 October :: 8.29 pm

so i suppose i've decided to make a resolution and i suppose i will probably break it by this weekend, but i shall try it. from this point forward, i will not try to act like them, i'm not turning 21 in two weeks... i should enjoy my youth, not rush it forward. and even though the only thing that i could ever want is probably out of my grasp, maybe its not so bad. i just need to think that there is someone out there for me somewhere. someone who can appreciate brand new, and me! someone smart, and funny, and who i love just as much as he loves me, and more than i think i love someone right now. so thats it, i'm through trying to impress. from now on its me. nothing but the real me. and if they don't like it, they can fuck off. its all about the fun and the love and everything i believe in. and if that means losing the only thing i care about right now, then so be it... because i believe that everything happens for a reason, and if this isn't meant to be then theres no use hanging on it and wasting away my days worrying about what everyone thinks. so fuck everyone... if they don't like who i really am. and every time i see his car or him, i'll smile and wave because we're friends, nothing more... and if something happens to where we are, that would be the best thing ever... but if not, i'll move on. grow stronger. i'm through worrying and waiting... this is the new me... the way i should be.

alright, enough with the rambling, i'll probly be back later. <3 always, and rock it.

:: 2003 13 October :: 11.18 pm

i am more depressed right now than i have ever been. im not even going to sugar coat it with stupid words... i could die this moment.
i can't say why... well, actually... i can. i fucked up. lots of things this past weekend.
i failed in so many ways. i could have had the last dance... but i was too shy... i could have had the night of my life... but i was too drunk.
i'm tempted to tell him everything... it will probly ruin everything, but i can't stand being jealous and hopeful... and holding on...
"my only fear, my only hope.. is letting go...

:: 2003 6 October :: 12.54 am

"they say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm, but this aint the dakota, and the water's cold, won't have to fight for long..."

i love that song. i don't know why, but i do. i don't really have much to say. i can't remember if i posted last night... but it was officially the worst most boring night of my life. i feel really bad about not answering darren's page. even tho i called him back later. oh well, i like to think that everything happens for a reason, so if something like that ends our friendship then i suppose so be it. i don't want to talk about that right now. i am 18... 21 days until the end of my life.. i think. or maybe it could be the best thing ever... doubt it.

:: 2003 5 October :: 1.59 am

tonight had to have been the most boring night ever. i'd have had more fun driving aimlessly by myself. i'm having a terrible time attempting to cure myself of this disease of infatuation. it has to stop. but at least i finally got up the guts to call him tonight. only spoke about 5 words. but its a small improvement. hopefully next weekend will be better. there is a party, probably a keg. then again we can drink and smoke together like the goody wanna be badasses we are. for real tho, it will be a great opportunity for us to be together. i can't wait.

:: 2003 1 October :: 11.41 pm

and now its going straight to hell. the boy i am in love with, his best friend is hitting on me. i need to grow a pair and ask my boy out before his friend tells him about him wanting me... he is ruining everything.

:: 2003 17 September :: 11.11 pm

same as i said before. deja entendu is the best cd ever.
18 days... then 21. then my life is over. goodnight...

but wait, they say spring break, i say california in the spring... panama city... american history x... pears... hahahahahaha... mt. dew and hardees... red... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

the alarm clock's going off..... this isn't happening...








.... it is.