:: 2003 24 August :: 8.38 pm

for everyone who might read this occasionally... i made a new s/n. its nothingbetter. so i will still update this one and the other one too... incase you may be bored. <3 always.

:: 2003 14 August :: 9.24 am

last night i went to a friend's house. we drank... eric told me he liked me. and i thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell him to fuck off... but i couldn't. i just couldn't tell him, especially when we weren't sober. but i don't know what to say now. should i tell him about everything. the fact that i fell in love with someone else almost 2 years ago while i was hating him. should i tell him i don't think he's over nikki. should i tell him that i don't trust him? i suppose so. you've gotta just put it all out there. plus he's leaving tuesday... and that will be that.

bleh... worthless update.

:: 2003 8 August :: 5.30 pm

one thing i hate more than most other things is when people complain about MY jounal with lame and cowardly annonymous comments.
if you don't like my font, or can't read it, and would like to, you could ask me nicely to change it, or suggest that i change it. but, if your going to be rude about it... then fuck off.

anyway... in other news. i went on a small trip to dekalb, bloomington, and champaign to check out schools.
i like northern and u of i... especially u of i, which i thought was odd. i never thought i'd like a state school. especially one so far away from everything... well except for the 35000 students who attend. anyway... i guess that is really all that has happened. leslie leaves in 9 days. laura in 6. and jayme is only going to st. louis, but i believe she leaves in 16. its going to be different. lonely. dare i say boring. but you never know. maybe i'll find some friends.

:: 2003 2 August :: 4.43 am

tonight was pretty good. actually really good. okay. here's who was involved. me, darren, dustin h, dustin s, jason, roger, jayme, cal, shane, and aj. we went to the midnight madness street races at gateway racetrack. darren ran his car. his best time was 17.5. not too bad for a stock avenger with a system. it was so much fun. next time i am so running my eclipse. it will be slow, but fun as hell. whoo, but i'm tired now... so i'll be seeing ya.

:: 2003 31 July :: 12.22 am

part of me is so disgusted with trying to impress people, but part of me longs with every fiber of my being to be loved and accepted. part of me knows exactly what... or should i say who, i want, and part of me wants to go find someone that i really connect with. so i'm torn between the never and the now. i wanna run so far away from here... but every time i see a red car, i start to turn around. every little thing i do makes me think of him, or someone that i've met. so i don't know what to do. maybe stop worrying, a swell first step.

:: 2003 27 July :: 5.57 pm

last night was incredibly stupid on my part. i suppose i will elaborate. first, leslie and i drove to staunton to see if anyone was around. well everyone's cars were at cory's so obviously there was a gathering of some sort. so then leslie was pissed because she wasn't invited. i could personally give less than two shits about those people because they are all skanks. so she decides to play this devilish prank on them. we leave town and don't come back until 1:30 in the morning. we drove around aimlessly in the country trying not to be seen for like 5 and a half hours. we almost got busted at the rock pile. we almost hit deer 3 different times. it was absolutely nuts. so heres the story. we were at a party in florissant.. a huge party. we both got drunk respectively... and ended up making out with random guys. now she wants me to light up in front of them. this is entirely ruining any slim chance i had with my crush just in an effort to make her look cool in her last 2 or 3 weeks before she leaves for columbia. i wish for once she could think of someone other than herself.

:: 2003 26 July :: 12.16 pm

thursday night i had an incredible dream. it was me, my friend leslie, and my favorite person... we were in my car, but the front seat was like a truck, so we were all 3 in front. i let leslie drive and she completely totalled my car. and i was screaming at her, but throughout the whole dream he and i were holding hands and he had his arm around me the whole time. it was the best dream i've ever had.
last night i didn't get home from the baseball game until 11. i pulled out of my driveway and who else is coming down the road right by my house? its him. oh i could've died. just seeing him makes my day 1000000X better plus some.
today i was supposed to go to the fast and furious races at gateway, but now i'm not because it turned into a couples thing and i didn't have a date. eh, stupid couples.

:: 2003 22 July :: 11.26 pm

this isn't turning out good. now that jason and nicole are "dating" no one is ever up town. there is nothing to do anymore. cops swarm everything... there have been so many fights and stupid shit lately. i'm so tired of it all and ready to move on to college. at least there will be new people to be sick of. i am so tired... i'm just going to take a shower, take my pills, and sleep...

:: 2003 21 July :: 11.24 pm

so i'm searching for the answers on message board relationship forums... i'm not getting anywhere and i'm losing myself deeper and deeper in pages of "for dummies" books trying to figure out where i went wrong. but i can't find it, its not written in pages, its just something i came up with. something i thought made sense at the time. but it didn't... i mean it doesn't. i mean it probably never did. i'm so sick of worrying about everything. i just want to be fearless and strong and independent... not like i am.. needing someone at every waking moment and not having someone and then falling... and sinking... and not feeling. i was so close to grabbing that knife off the bedside table last night. it would've been sharp enough. but no, i stopped myself because he wouldn't approve. what would he say if i lived to see him and he saw the scars? he would hate me more. so i let the thoughts pass and swallowed hard pushing away all my thoughts of escaping... because i knew deep down it was a lie and would get me nowhere. thats all. thats all i can say.

<3 always.. to everyone, and no one.

:: 2003 20 July :: 4.17 am

i am beyond angry right now. so tonight. first, i leave at about dusk to go uptown. everyone is congregating and decides to go out to thomas's house to shoot off some bottle rockets. so we drink some beer, shoot some fireworks, all is well. then leslie calls. she'll be ready soon. so i go pick her up and we cruise around for a while. we decide not to drink any because we're having a pretty good night. at about 12:30 we see cory and his brother shannon. they want to go drinking. so we go. it takes us until 1:30 to find a spot to drink. next thing i know its 3:00 and leslie is still in the weeds with cory. shannon wants to take me out in 2 weeks. i don't want him to... i really don't. he's 21 or 22, i'm not sure... and he's not cute, and not shy, and nothing like the ideal guy i pictured. where is my savior? i need him now. i don't know what i'm going to do. just drop off the face of the planet i suppose would be the easiest. so now she'll be lucky if i ever hang out with her again. she's making this shit a weekly reoccurance. and it makes me want to scream.

:: 2003 19 July :: 6.53 pm

who the hell did i think i was?
so its saturday afternoon. i shopped on ebay all afternoon, losing a swiss army watch, but winning an infinity stereo and amp for my car. i'm excited about that. i'm listening to "Sympathy" by the goo goo dolls and waiting for leslie to get home from playing softball in manchester maybe. i'm not exactly sure. i don't know what we are going to do tonight either. she'll probably want to get drunk again. and i don't really mind i guess. one of these days we will get caught, but... i don't really care right now. last night could have been better than it was, but it wasn't utterly terrible. i've now decided (once again) to forget about certain boys that i might happen to adore, and focus on being myself and finding someone who likes me for me, not for what i can change myself to be. so thats that. i am ready. bring on the rain. so now its on to eating pizza, jerkey, jalapeno potato chips, and drinking code red mt. dew. my favorite meal as of late.
<3 to everyone who reads this always.
and <3 to all those who don't.

:: 2003 17 July :: 11.21 pm

today was slow... long. i woke up and got dressed much to my dismay. i drove to staunton to deposit my paycheck, and i saw his car where he works. oh well, it happens. i continue down the road and prepare to make the turn. there's jordan's work.. so i suppose he is on my mind also. oh well. i go to the bank and take the back roads home by the school. my mom decides she would like to take me shopping. so we go. nothing special. on the way back, traffic was hell. driving up 4th street was hell. the arch was on fire. terrorism? no. a transformer blew. so it took about a half an hour to get down 4th street. the eades (sp?) bridge is now open to traffic. kinda odd, but its a beautiful view of the muddy mississippi. how i love this city. which is why it is now my picture above. how cool am i? so then i cleaned my car. it needed it, so now it is shiny inside. tomorrow i will do the exterior. then i went for a walk around town with leslie. then we went for a drive, but of course we would not see anyone.. they are at wild country.. having fun. so i drop her off at her house and she teases me about my newfound (newfound to her at least) crushes. then i go back uptown and grab a mountain dew and stop to talk to fro, lacy and thomas. however my sibling is there, so i quickly say my goodbyes as lacy drives to bp to grab a jar of pickles. now i'm sitting here. i need to get in the shower, and i have to work tomorrow. so i guess i'll be back later on. rock it. <3 always.

:: 2003 17 July :: 2.09 am

i've that overwhelming feeling again... that nothing is ever going to go right... and sometimes.. i don't even feel like fighting for it anymore.. for freedom, for truth, for love... it all seems irrelevent and a huge waste of time and effort.
i'm talking to his best friend on msn right now... how easy would it be to just casually drop a hint that i cannot go another day without seeing him...
everything i said when i was drunk was true.
i guess its too bad nobody knows about that.

:: 2003 16 July :: 12.50 am

i want so badly to be wanted... extreme... ummm... situations? call for extreme measures... i guess i'll se how far i will go.. because i just don't know...

:: 2003 15 July :: 12.48 am

so she knows, and she won't let me forget it. when i was tanked.. lol.. i just let it all out. i told her everything about my crushes and infatuations and depression. so i'm pretty much fucked, but i was drunk right? no, i wasn't as she thought... it was all an act. a way to say what i needed to say with an excuse as to why i said it. but still, its branded on me. that i love him. and now, its so bad. i'm unfortunately crushing on my newfound friend... eh, jordan. i know he's bad. skank. eh. but.. hes so nice to me. i'm weak. but still he doesn't come close to comparing. ahhh, kill me now.