:: 2003 13 July :: 2.55 pm

yes, something is severly wrong with me. i know. i don't know why i was so depressed last night. i suppose alcohol affects people differently, and my effect is bad. i remember it semi-clearly, but tonight i will let leslie tell me her side of my story. maybe i got through to her, or maybe i just made a big ass of myself. either way, today i'm not feeling quite well. i'm just severly bored and that depression is returning. i don't know why. i just cannot wait until this school year is over. i won't have to be labeled as a high school kid anymore. well, i guess its shower time, followed by car cleaning and then preparing to go out for a small amount of time tonight. <3 always.

:: 2003 13 July :: 2.49 am

tonight, i broke trust with my parents. they told me to be home at 1, but now as i am typing this very slowly because i am more drunk than i think i have ever been, and i realize that i have done so many things wrong. the screen is a blur. i just want to die. i hate myself for the fact that i am in love with someone who doesn't love me in return. and no its not jordan. i don't love jordan. no matter how nice and cute he is.. i do not love him. oh... i'm going to pass out. i'll continue this tomorrow. <3 alwaysz

:: 2003 12 July :: 11.32 am

last night was pretty regular for the most part. i drove around staunton and then ended up talking to leslie's brother for about an hour. it was lame. then i was about ready to call it a night, mike, drake, and jordan were sitting on the side of the road yelling at me. so i figure, what the hell, and i pull over to talk to them. they were really nice to me surprisingly. i'm glad i got brave and talked to them. thats about all that happened. now i have to plan my trip to dekalb and champaign. <3 always.

:: 2003 10 July :: 10.49 pm

i wish you were here...
so we're planning on taking this trip to south central missouri to go on a float trip.. you know.. huzzah valley.. so, i was thinking of inviting a bunch of people to go, since it would probably be more fun with more people, but i'm scared to ask the person that i really want to go.. i don't want him to turn down the invitation. and i have a feeling that he will. but i mean its just as friends of course... unless something else happens, but i'm not saying it will. that would be so great, i think.
actually... i've been thinking... about everything i want in a boy.. so here goes...
-someone who is confident enough to get out on the dancefloor and have a little fun and dance with me.
-but someone who can be so shy and can sit in silence for hours just.. being.
-someone who appreciates good music.. but can also jam to some pop, rap, techno, or basically any kind of music there is.
-someone who can sit and watch law and order for hours on end.
-someone who will sit out side with me, or even help me when my ocd kicks in and i have to scrub every little speck of dirt off my car.
-someone who will stay out all night with me just doing not much of anything but maybe drinking.. or shooting off fireworks. lol.
-someone who is innocent, but not that innocent.
-someone who won't mind spending a night apart to hang out with friends... and who won't mind hanging out w/ mutual friends together
-someone who is smart, but not genious
-someone who can handle a little sarcasm and can dish it back like an oozie.
-someone who likes the matrix... and could talk about movies and computers and games for hours.
-someone who likes to have a drink occasionally, but not every night.. and not more than 2 on a normal night.
-someone who will drive my car and throw it into neutral to try and look cool.
-looks aren't that important, but i would love for him to be skinny so that his elbows stick out.. oh how sexy.
-someone who will wander around in the city at night with me, just because the lights are beautiful.
-someone who will talk me out of moving to boston when i get the urge to leave far from here by telling me how much he needs me, and how if i go, he will follow.
-someone who is taller than me... and i'm 5'9.
-someone who is loyal, and faithful, and doesn't expect too much too soon.
-someone who knows that forever is more than a week.
-someone who wouldn't mind naming his children mitchell and margot, or will at least let me use those as middle names.
-someone who makes me feel important.. and invincible, and smart, and sexy... and just plain great.

are you that someone?

oh wait, i think i've found someone who fits almost all those qualities... but i forgot the kicker...

-someone who loves me.

oh well, maybe better luck next time.

:*<

:: 2003 8 July :: 11.14 pm

i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real....
i feel fine until night... then i'm alone again... while everyone else is out having fun.
i have this feeling... that someone hates me. i just wish things wouldn't have to be so bad.
i don't remember my last post. i don't remember what i talked about since the site or my computer has been down. i will be back to elaborate, but for now, i'm going to attempt that thing most normal people call sleep.

:: 2003 5 July :: 12.03 pm

i must admit, last night was pretty good.
first, lighting fireworks in the bank parking lot with dustin and darren. it was superfun. then we went to go see some acutal fireworks in a neighboring town, all of us together. but we ended up being too late. so then we shot bottle rockets into the lake. so so fun. then we drove around a little more. then we got word that out in the country a bunch of people were shotting off fireworks. so we went out there. it was awesome. being with the most amazing guy watching fireworks. it was great. could have been better, but i'm not complaining. plus i got to talk to jordan, jason, ian, tino, cory, and everyone and it was so much fun. i hope something like this happens again because it was wonderful.

:: 2003 3 July :: 11.16 pm

this summer has thus far been terrible. today i went to see a st. louis cardinals game. well that wasn't such a swell idea. i sweated in the sun for what seemed like years... then had to wait over an hour for the metro train. the city was so crowded today on account of the fair, the game, and it still was a work day. it was absolutely horrible.. and hotter than hell.
no one is around tonight. this town is like a ghost town. everything is deserted. everyone is at the fairs. watching fireworks. having fun. but me. i am sitting here alone typing in this thing, listening to bright eyes, and preparing to play the sims before drifting off to another unwanted but needed sleep. how i wish i was with them at wild country if that is where they are. i would love to be with them. er... later.

:: 2003 30 June :: 11.03 pm

my new favorite band is definitely the postal service. they rawk my socks.. as some would say.
its hard to believe that summer is flying so fast and i've got nothing accomplished. i have been so tired and lonely recently. its not been a very good summer.
everyone seems content as always, and i suppose i seem the same way when in public.
i don't really know what to say.
i got my view book from wash u. today. sounds like fun. i can't wait to go to college. meet new people. hopefully forget how great old friends are... and how i need them (him) so.
one of these days something good has to happen. it just has to.

:: 2003 29 June :: 1.42 am

today was actually rather well spent. i got up early for some reason... before 8 i believe. then i played the simms. then jayme called and asked if i would like to go up to her cabin on the illinois river with her. of course i accepted. so we went up and drove on a pontoon boat. there are flying fish in the river and one of them jumped right up onto the boat. then we visited with their neighbors there and then we drove back home. we took the ferry across the river. it was loads of fun. then i went to the homecoming here. its a carnival thing. i helped sell some lemonade, then i talked to some friends and played bingo. i just got home from that. i'm really rather tired tonight and haven't had much time to think, which is why i'm probably in a better mood. the only bad thing is that everything that goes on is like a couples thing... and everyone seems to have a someone... but me. i really don't feel like ruining my lovely day and discussing my misery, so i'll just go. sleep peacefull.. until tomorrow.. <3 always.

:: 2003 28 June :: 12.57 am

the closest thing to perfect, but the farthest thing from me...

i don't know what i am feeling again. its like... all fun. but when the couples disband, i'm left alone. wandering aimlessly trying to find a friend. but everyone is with someone. theres no room for me here. thats why i'm leaving. its the only way. no one here wants me... so why stay? people probably talk behind my back like what a loser. but what can i do? i've tried being social, i've tried being crazy, funny, bad, smart, nice... everything. i've drank their liquor and smoked their cigarettes... i've rode in their cars and taken them in mine. what more can i do? there is nothing for me to do... but leave.
my parents got a new van today... so now there is no reason for not driving up to boston. its only 19 hours... which seems like an eternity, but its not. i just have to get away. its obvious to me now.

and nothing is ever obvious... to me...

:: 2003 26 June :: 11.14 pm

ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me...
what is wrong with me now? i can't even remember where i am going. i'm lost.
"...these are the best days of our lives.."
if these are the best days of our lives then what am i living for? i am having absolutly a terrible time here. i'm scared to stay, i'm scared to go. i have no friends and the one person that i wish would care is gone.
no one was up town tonight. so i wandered around aimlessly until now. the carnival is in town this weekend. all the carnies are set up like gypsies. carrying what they have with them on the open road. not a life i'd like to live. i really don't know what to say anymore. i can't write.. i can't spell, or speak. if i have to hit the backspace key one more time i am going to throw up. my fingers are jittery. this isn't right here. something is wrong. all i do anymore is bite my nails and pull at my eyelashes. bad habits are getting me down. next thing you know i'll be smoking a pack a day. i need to stop this antagonizing over stupid issues. having fun is from now my top priority.
well i think i will try to sleep.
<3 always.

:: 2003 26 June :: 1.43 am

okay... i'm back again.
who woulda thought eh?
no, i'm not canadian.

right now i am listening to the postal service.
i like them... sort of.
part of me likes the lyrics... you know, the true part of me.
and the part of me that is fake.. or i'd like to think is fake... likes the techno-ish beats.
because i don't really know who i am.
i've gone over this before. but it keeps running through my head like a damn marathon.
and the end result is always losing.
i just don't want to be alone.
and that might be part of this infatuation.
because thats what it is... infatuation... obsession... not love. it can't be. its not right.
its not fair to be in love like this... if thats what this is.
all i want is for it to stop. i want us to be friends. nothing more. nothing less. but i just can't change the way i look at him.. or feel when i see his car, or see him drive by... or see his name on msn. its just not fair.

i got my viewbook from cornell today. upstate new york is appealing to me... sort of.

why oh why am i so fucked up.

i long for the day when i think all day about someone who is thinking about me in the same way.

to love and to be loved... lets just hope that is enough.

:: 2003 26 June :: 1.26 am

things are odd. i don't feel quite right with all this childish stuff going on. splashing in water puddles in the rain and lightning. wrecking out a kids bike. this stupid shit w/ erik and nikki is pissing me off too. get over it. they're both dumb as fuck. and fro is caught in the middle. i am through with typing on here for now. catch ya later. <3 always.

:: 2003 25 June :: 12.18 am

why is it that my mind, mood, and everything changes when he simply signs on to msn? why? and then i get upset to see that he's going to huzzah with the guys. who cares? roger is going. everyone is going. he should too. but no, i feel upset that he is leaving. even if it is only for the weekend. and times like these make me want to go so far away that i never have to hear his name again because he is the most perfect thing i have ever seen and i just cannot handle being deprived of his perfection. i don't know what i'm saying... acutally i do... i'm simply not good enough.

:: 2003 24 June :: 11.35 pm

today was such a busy day at work. i was so tired when i got home. but i decided anyway to reboot my computer and completely restore it. so now everything is deleted... all my music, videos, pictures, stories, and teenage poetry. its not so bad though... its not like i miss it at all. this weekend is going to be bad... making lemonade... i don't even like lemonade. i don't have anything to say and its so blatantly obvious its making me sick. ya.. its one of those days.