:: 2003 23 June :: 10.23 pm

so i suppose i've it narrowed down... either st. louis or boston. now it all depends on acceptance and what happens this next year. see, if everything works out to plan, i should be staying here in st. louis. but i honestly don't see that happening... and i don't want to run even the smallest risk of having a mutual friend... which i definitely will in st. louis as long and i stay friends with jayme. but boston, so far away.. so new.. so different. exciting and fun. but i don't know if i could handle moving so far. not because i don't want to leave home... but because i don't want to leave him... which is exactly what i need to do. because this is all wrong. i want that fairy tale romance. i want to turn around and know... i want there to be a chemistry... i don't want to be some stupid girl who is too young for anything... and thats what i feel like around him... sometimes. i don't know. i'm confused. is it worth the risk? is it worth my life? i'd say yes, but i'd have said yes before and i would have been terribly mistaken. i just don't want any "what if"'s... but they're going to be there no matter what. what if i had said something? what if i hadn't. its there either way. i need a sign. something to let me know what he's thinking or feeling. i could live as just being friends, but i'd really like more.

:: 2003 22 June :: 11.10 pm

well today was a new day. but i'm not feeling any better. i can feel myself sinking into depression again. i'm starting to dread nights because i know i will be alone... and i don't want to go to work because i have to act happy and interested... but i'm just dying inside. i don't know what to do. should i call someone...? should i ask if theres anything going on? or should i wait to be invited which by good chance will never happen. i'm too tired to think about this... i've just felt like sleeping all day. but i don't. i sit awake with my phone glued to my hip waiting... for that phone call or page that will never ever come. it just won't. i know it. but oh how i wish it would.

:: 2003 22 June :: 2.00 am

tonight, for the first night, i honestly realized that i had no friends. and i mean, i've said it before, that everyone was leaving, that even the people i hang with aren't real friends... etc... but tonight, as i was sitting alone on a parking chuck in the grocery store parking lot, i realized what a long year its going to be. everyone who was there with me tonight was nice, but no one i can really call a good friend. and i don't consider jayme a good friend. i know roger had a party and she didn't bother to call and invite me. no one calls. except to have me cover for them when they are lying to their parents or something like that. i don't even have reason to stay out late anymore because there is no one to be with. i'd give my life for someone else, but no one will ever feel the same about me. i feel so lonely i just want to die. drink and drink and smoke and smoke until i die. theres no point in living a life without love. and thats what i have. a shittly, loveless life. so i guess i am going to go sleep, because maybe these feelings might dissappear. or maybe they'll get worse. i don't know. but i just can't take this anymore.

:: 2003 21 June :: 1.59 am

i don't know whether i feel anger, hate, hurt, hope, love... i don't know. all i know is that i wish i wasn't home right now while everyone else is out having a good time. i'm so sick of coming home. one day, one day soon, i'm not going to.

:: 2003 16 June :: 11.49 pm

"boys in the hood" by dynamite hack = best song ever.

i think i may have gotten back into writing.

because it was always my way to express myself... but i strayed away because it was uncool to sit in coffee shops and type poetry on a laptop according to dustin... but its all i can do.
i mean what is a poem good for?
everything.
it can change the world.

<3 always.

:: 2003 16 June :: 12.41 am

i have quite a bit to say, but it might not come out as much... because i may not know how to say it.
a few days ago. to start... i had a dream. me, d, dustin, and jonas were at denny's, but there was someone else there. it was a girl. and she was going out with the guy i love. so i just sat there, no one said anything but there was tension. then laura and jason came in and they started throwing straws at her. what does that mean?
last night. leslie and i drove around for a while but didn't see anyone of interest. so we went and got some beer. then we drank. then we went up town. then we smoked. then we drove around. then we went home because there was nothing else to do.
tonight, i went uptown to hang out. there were a lot of people there.
it was fun.
i'm so deathly tired. and i have to work at 8.
but i can't stop thinking about things. and people. well, one person. i haven't been able to stop thinking of him since i met him almost 2 years ago. what ever am i going to do.
i've made a decision however. if things go good between us i will go to college close to him. if things go bad... i am going away... probably to boston.
thats just the way things are going to have to be.
<3 always.

:: 2003 14 June :: 1.53 am

tonight was another oh so incredibly mundane trip to staunton. although we did stop and talk to the most amazing person i've ever see in my life... that was the high point. and i didn't even get to talk to him... i couldn't get a word in with leslie blabbing ignorantly about stupid shit that nobody gives a damn about. how can so many people like her? what is it about her that makes all the guys crazy?
i just don't understand. and she's so inconsiderite of other people's time, feelings, interests... everything. she treats my phone, my car, me, like shit. part of me can't wait for her to leave and part of me knows that once she is gone, so is the life that i was beginning to enjoy.
whoa is me... fuck that self pity.

:: 2003 13 June :: 12.04 am

tonight i went over to jayme's to see her new puppy. i'm not really too fond of animals, but i pretended to like it. she invited leslie and i to her cabin up on the illinois river this weekend. leslie doesn't want to go, but i do. its a great place to get completely drunk off your ass and never get caught. but i doubt it happens. nothing ever happens. i tell ya. well that is all. its late. i can't sleep, but i have to because i have to work tomorrow. <3 always.

:: 2003 12 June :: 6.30 pm

today was my day off. i was going to work on my college application essay, but instead i went shopping. i got some cool shit and i only spent $30. now i am bored, waiting for dinner. no one to talk to. actually he's online, but i don't know what to say so i will pretend i don't see him.. and in the end i will regret not talking to him more... but i'd rather not make some stupid useless conversation that makes me look stupid. maybe there will be a party this weekend and maybe he will be there. that would make me happy. <3 always.

:: 2003 10 June :: 11.53 pm

i'm really re-loving this lyndsay diaries cd. see what happens. i don't hear from my friends for a week and i turn all "emo" again. this can't be happening. this isn't who i am. sappy pathetic little me... thats not the girl i want to be.
but i'm tired and i have to work tomorrow... so i suppose i should go to sleep... or at least try.. maybe i will check my answering machine for messages... although it will say 0, just like my e-mails and comments on here... oh well. <3 always.

:: 2003 10 June :: 12.15 am

why must i be inferior to everyone else? i mean i don't have a boyfriend, i don't have friends, i don't have people i can talk to, i suck at everything i do... why can't i just excell at something other than sucking. why can't i be good at something... or good for something.
i've been listening to bright eyes a lot lately and its making me feel even more inferior.
i need to get drunk. that is a must this weekend.
hopefully with someone awesome.
<3 always.

:: 2003 8 June :: 10.51 pm

i stopped writing, singing, playing, chatting, posting.... why oh why did i?
i changed everything and i thought i knew exactly what i was doing... but on nights like these, i have my doubts.
still i did this all to be noticed by one special person and its helped. i have become closer, even if minimally, to him. but have i lost who i was. i stopped writing poetry and stories. what are they good for anyway? not a damn thing. i stopped playing the guitar. what point would being able to play that stupid thing prove? i stopped going to shows because that sort of music labels me as "punk" to them and that is not the image i want them to see. i want them to see me as a line dancing, corona drinking, mortal kombat playing, kick-ass car driving... girl? is that what i want? is what i want to be just another one of them? another girl he knows that he doesn't want because they are so much like the others? hopping parties and drinking bacardi? staying out all night and 2-waying people on our elitest nextels? that is me now. faceless... just another person in a crowd. and i'll be 18 soon. will things change? he'll be 21. will things change? they will... and i'll be ruined again. and i don't know what i will do with myself. i want him badly, but i wouldn't sacrifice our friendship for a meaningless fuck. and he wouldn't do that anyway. because he's perfect. innocent yet mysterious. sexy yet shy. and i don't know if he knows it. because he almost acted melancholy when we were drunk... well when we were supposed to be drunk. but he was more sober than anyone i've ever met, and i wasn't nearly gone. and he leaned up against me to keep warm and i was in heaven. because when he is near i can see nothing else but him... and everything perfect about him. i would give anything... literally anything... just to be with him, even if for only one night and he would love me. and i would know it. i would give anything for that. but things will be changing soon and as excited as i am, i am also so scared. i don't ever want to stop talking to him, or thinking about him... and i want him to feel the same about me. i said i was sad because all my friends were leaving. and he said, "i'm not going anywhere" i almost cried. it had to mean he thought of me as a friend. it had to mean something, no matter how small. i don't know what i'm saying. i just don't want to go through life as just another girl. i want to be somebody. i want to love and to be loved.

:: 2003 7 June :: 10.06 pm

i am so bored. its saturday night and again i have nothing to do. no friends. and the ones i do have, and associate with on a regular basis are pissing me off lately. leslie really pissed me off last night and i don't know why exactly. now i just wish someone would call and say, hey wanna do something? and i would gladly accept.
in a few minutes i suppose i will take a cruise around town to see if fro or someone is chilling by the picnic table. probably not on account of it being so early, but you never do know for sure.
someone called me last night. around 2:30. i found that odd and didn't get to the phone in time. now i am curious as to who it was. i didn't recognize the number.
well, i am going to go now.
<3 always.

:: 2003 7 June :: 2.00 am

today was a long day. i had to go to a golf tournament for work. i had to sell 50/50 tickets. it was long day because it rained the whole time and i didn't even get to play golf. then i had tickets to the cardinals game tonight. i took leslie. she was really pissing me off. i will get into that later. i've had a really short temper lately. and now i wish i would have stayed up all night waiting for his call, and i doubt he called but maybe... and now i'll never know.

:: 2003 5 June :: 5.14 pm

today was my day off. i went shopping in des peres. it was alright even though i didn't get anything. oh well. i am tired.
i am so stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3*10000000000
that is so much less than i really feel.
bleh, no one understands anyway, and i could never say or explain.