:: 2003 18 May :: 1.37 am

tonight i went out with jayme and leslie. we were supposed to go shopping at the galeria. well. of course jayme didn't get home until around 8. so then we didn't end up leaving until 8:30, so we couldn't go to the galeria... so we went to e-ville and ate chinese. blah, i hate chinese passionately. anyway... that takes until around 9:30. we get back to stoner around 10. Then we go to socialize uptown. no one worth anything was there, so we went to staunton. we saw 2 awesome people, but only talked to one (who is the awesomest person of all). then jayme decided she was tired so we went back to her house to watch tv. she fell asleep on the bed so leslie and i left. we went back to staunton and saw jordan. then we drove around talking. the night blew ass for the most part. tomorrow i might go shopping. i want some shoes. next saturday we are going to try to get ahold of cousin nathan or jason and get some shit.
blah. later.

:: 2003 16 May :: 12.21 am

tonight was nothing special. but did you see that lunar eclipse. it was one of those things that would be wonderful to look at from a swing in the back yard with someone special. but only in dreams would that ever happen.
i bullshitted my way through another research paper. i have three tests tomorrow and then i will be basically done with school. 6 more days of class. tomorrow i have tests in pre-calculus, anatomy, and american history. the anatomy one i am a bit worried about. but... its the end of the year. i'm thru with caring if i ever did at all.
i'm sort of getting tired now. but i still have to study for anatomy. then sleep.
this weekend will probably blow, but next weekend and the weekend after have the potential to be good. just so long as i don't act like a fucking chod. everything will be fine.
<3 always.

:: 2003 14 May :: 10.37 pm

wish you were here... <3
7 more days...
things that have happened that don't mean shit but do for some stupid reason: my dad lost his cell phone... so whats he do? takes mine. i haven't been able to get a call and it doesn't look like i will be getting it back anytime soon. this is dumb. i'm pissed.

anyway... today i went golfing. it was fun. i got to be the big nerd i am. then we went to taco bell... only there can 3 people eat for under 10$. we planned a pre-matrix party. as you probably know, the matrix: reloaded came out tonight... well tomorrow technically. but we don't have time to see it. so on finals week, after our finals, we are going to go to laura's house, watch the first matrix, make some jello shots, eat some pizza, and just chill. then to complete the matrix party, we will go golfing, drink more jello shots and probably some other alcohol, then go see the matrix. sounds like fun eh? i thought so. by then school will be out. graduation will be 2 days away. i'm stoked, but at the same time completely unstoked. i have a job. not too sure if i want to go though. i still have to call about the dress code. things are happening so fast. i have to make my class schedule for next year on friday. so far its shaping up like this: 1. consumer ed./info processing. 2. calculus. 3. speech/drama. 4. chemistry. 5. reading enrichment/effective writing. 6. human body. 7. 1st semester college prep english. 2nd semester study hall. 8. study hall. and i'm going home for the study halls. not too bad eh? i'm actually taking so many classes that i could graduate at the semester. but what fun would that be? i'm going to get dicked out of being salutatorian, because the girl who is right behind me isn't taking any college prep classes senior year so she will easily pass me because i am almost positive i cannot keep all A's in all those classes. plus the fact that i'm a complete slacker and just don't give a damn about most things. such as the 5 page english paper due friday that i have yet to start on. fuck that. i don't feel like it. plus i would rather have fun and get fucked up than study. bad attitude, but hey, you only live once. and what if i would die tomorrow? at least i had some fun. but not enough fun. i'm so so lonely. really. its not even amusing anymore. its just depressing. he graduates tomorrow. FROM COLLEGE! but he said he's not leaving here. i hope he stays. i hope we stay friends. there are just so many things that are keeping us apart. it would never work. but i wish it would. i'm going to stop now... because i don't feel like depressing myself.

:: 2003 13 May :: 11.42 pm

it was the best thing ever.
i said: all my friends are leaving
and he said: i'm not going anywhere.

its so so nice to know that he thinks of me as a friend. i am so happy. that happened last night in our conversation. we talked about school, work, the matrix. it was great. now i am tired. and i have a physics test tomorrow. so... off i go to sleep.

:: 2003 12 May :: 11.03 pm

sitting here staring at the keys. what to say? what to say? i never can think of anything to say. and then i regret not saying anything. but if i say something stupid, will i regret it more? nah. risk it all. not risking it all is actually more risky... if that makes any sense. well it does to me.

:: 2003 11 May :: 11.38 pm

i feel like i could sleep forever. this weekend has been fucked up. friday = bad storms. i slept a lot. saturday = bad storms. i slept even more. today = mothers day. went to dinner with my family, then slept. then went out. now i'm home. and i need sleep. i am so tired i feel like dying. plus, i have seen no one of remote interest in what seems like years. i haven't even talked to anyone... it sucks. but, its not so bad i guess. graduation parties next week, and then the week after that too. then i start work. 10 more days of school. i'm still debating the cell phone. i need to research it more. definitely getting the back tinting on my car. but i don't know. should i really bother in fixing up my car? the only reason i do it is to impress a certain boy. but isn't it supposed to be the guy who fixes up his car to impress the girl? oh well, its a fucked up world.

:: 2003 10 May :: 10.50 pm

Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles:
(and note.. it's not the lyrics to the song... it's the song titles)

the get up kids

1. Are you male or female?: i'm a loner dottie, a rebel
2. Describe yourself: walking on a wire
3. How do some people feel about you?: stay gone
4. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: wish you were here
5. How do you feel about yourself?: high as the moon
6. Where would you rather be?: campfire kansas
7. Describe what you want to be: valentine
8. Describe how you live: beer for breakfast
9. Describe how you love: i'll catch you
10. Share a few words of wisdom: don't hate me

:: 2003 10 May :: 10.41 pm

another night at home alone, but this time its my decision. there is just too much bad weather around, hail and strong winds, rain and lightning... i really don't want hail dents in my car, so in the garage it stays. i will probaby just go out tomorrow night instead. i wanted to go see the matrix wednesday, but i don't really have any friends who are in to that sort of thing. blah. i am bored. i actually started on my book last night. i am writing a book. its sort of about my life, actually its not really much about anything yet, i've only written about two pages. i might keep working on that tonight. i don't know. i'm really just bored. i will probably go to sleep around 10.30. i need all the sleep i can get.

:: 2003 9 May :: 10.17 pm

this is my friday night. sitting at home watching "the matrix" and listening to "haligh haligh a lie haligh". eh. i can't get ahold of anyone and as much as i like the matrix and bright eyes, there are things i'd rather be doing. more tornado warnings and they're not supposed to quit until sunday. i'm bored out of my mind. nothing is going on. absolutely nothing. then i will get a call tomorrow from one of my friends telling me what they did tonight and how it was either so great or so bad. but they won't even remember that i wasn't invited. well fuck them. fuck it all.

:: 2003 9 May :: 6.50 pm

its friday. so lonely friday. friday's always seem so so lonely. i doubt anything is going on tonight. i want to go see the matrix, but i bet it will be sold out everywhere tonight. and plus, i don't want to go by myself. i just ordered some toasted ravioli. those are the best things in the world and cavataio's has good ones. i'm so bored. tomorrow i have to go shopping to buy clothes to wear to work. i'm stoked. maybe i'll even get my nextel. i am super stoked about getting one of those. well thats all for now. i will probably be back later on.

:: 2003 8 May :: 9.19 pm

this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue, and my eye through the scope down the barrel of the gun...
today = bad day. not only did a tornado roll through town, but i also have to write a research paper, 2 essays, and have a math test tomorrow.
first i will elaborate on the tornado. it was right at 3 as school was letting out. it was really dark outside and everyone was joking that it was going to be a tornado. so my brother and i ran to my car as the rain was picking up. we went the short way home. the rain was swirling above us and the wind was encircling my car. branches and leaves were swirling from the trees and limbs were crashing around us. i blew a couple stop signs and got us home as quick as possible. once in the door we realized there was a tornado warning for our town and we rushed to the basement. after the storm, we went to assess the damage. trees were down, roads were flooded. it was bad. and we were almost right in the middle of it. not my idea for fun considering storms are one of my fears anyway.

today the seniors at my school had to pick out a motto and song etc...
i told them to pick either "never give up, never give in" or "being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up; these are the best days of our lives" ya i know that last one is an ataris song, but who would know? no one. i still have one page to bullshit my way through on my jazz report and those 2 essays to write. my brother has his amp so loud i could rip my hair out. he's terrible but insists on blasting his guitar lessons through the walls. well thats all for now.

:: 2003 7 May :: 11.22 pm

i hate this fucking town. i hate everything about it. its smallness, its predictability, the fact that everyone knows everyone... everything about this place is hell. and i thought this might actually work out. well, who the hell am i kidding? nothing has ever worked out. nothing. and i'd been content for three days... ha! well its over. i can't think positive... no need to focus when there's nothing thats worth seeing... right? and i thought that getting certain things would help improve my social status, or something like that, but its never going to happen. i might as well just forget about it. i just wish for once something would work out. i wish things would go good. and i would have fun, like people my age are supposed to do. like those nights... the rock pile, and at roger's, and at cory's, and those kind of nights. i wish those nights would happen more frequently... but wishes never seem to come true.

:: 2003 7 May :: 9.26 pm

i might feel defeated and i might hang my head, i might be barely breathing but i'm not dead... so bring on the rain...
well, my friends made it safely home from florida last night even though the ride was bumpy with turbulence from the many tornados that rolled through south county. leslie bought me a mickey mouse bottle opener. its pretty sweet. i'm gonna leave it in my car, and we'll have to use it sometime, maybe this weekend. school was all back to normal. only 11 more days of school. then i start work. i'm stoked but at the same time its pretty shitty that i won't be able to lay around all day like i usually do in the summer time. i still have to type that 7-10 page research paper, its due friday, and i've only got 3 pages done. i hate school. i don't really have anything else to say right now. so later.

:: 2003 5 May :: 10.44 pm

not to get my own hopes up, but i think i might have a job. now i can buy my nextel and tint the back window of my car and get the sticker for the back. fucking rock. today was... well today. it was nothing special. but nothing terrible. my softball team lost 14-2. i pitched. aint i the greatest pitcher in the world. no. lol. this is the 3rd day in a row that i have been completely content. which is incredibly odd. but nice. but odd. i got online to work on my research paper, but instead i logged on here and decided to update. now i'm watching csi miami. i don't like the goryness of this show... but i'm bored. well thats all for tonight.

:: 2003 4 May :: 10.54 pm
:: Music: "santeria" - sublime