:: 2003 4 May :: 11.09 am

this stormy morning is ruining my day. its already 10:00 and i'm supposed to be downtown in St. Louis, but where am i? sitting at home waiting for the rain to go away and posting on here again. i fell asleep last night listening to techno on z107.7. a local radio station. they broadcast live on saturday nights from kobalt, only the coolest nightclub in the whole St. Louis area... i imagine that all the cool people from around here were at kobalt last night, but only if seth's cousin was working. i doubt there was anyone in staunton except cops, reason being it was staunton's prom last night. well i'm getting out of here. out into the rain.

:: 2003 3 May :: 11.04 pm
:: Music: "wish you were here" - the get up kids

:: 2003 2 May :: 6.17 pm

i knew this would happen, why didn't i prepare? everyone is gone. i am alone. i should have figured out what i wanted to do. made some new friends. get a job. i don't know. anything to keep me from sitting in this hell hole called home. its not even dark outside yet and i am completely bored out of my mind wishing, actually praying someone will call and say, wanna go somewhere. but its not going to happen. because everyone who would do that is gone.
with everyone being gone i've been thinking a lot about where i want to go to college. i think i've decided mostly where i am going to apply and i will just take it from there with acceptances and rejections and all of that.
reach schools: wash. u. in st. louis. and notre dame.
match schools: u of i. and mizzou, maybe kansas. i'm not really sure. maybe even somewhere in chicago.
safety schools: siuc and probably niu or siue.
i swore to myself that i wouldn't go to siue, its too close to home. but now, i'm so afraid to leave. and i don't know why.... actually i know exactly why, and its stupid. its the stupidest thing i've ever thought in my entire life. yep... and there goes another reminder of things that i will never have.
everytime i think about that one person my mind goes completely blank other than him. sometimes i wish i could just block him out of my mind... but then i know i'd miss him. what is wrong with me? this is terrible. absolutely terrible! i don't even know what i am doing anymore... and now i'm just rambling. well, maybe i'll update later.

:: 2003 1 May :: 10.52 pm

its not really that i'm lonely without my friends here, its just knowing that i can't just call them or chat online because they are so far away. but i will survive. i think i know i can make it through everything that is wrong. because maybe one day.. hopefully soon, things will work out. i really really hope they do.

:: 2003 30 April :: 10.58 pm

sometimes i think that this is it, these are the best days of my life, and they're terrible. and then other times i think... the only thing keeping me going is the hope that there is something better in just another year. and every bad weekend seems like the end of the world, and every great weekend seems like the best day of my life. this weekend is going to be a preview of the weekends to come next year. i'm scared, but excited. maybe i'll find my place in this town, or maybe i'll be rejected and alone. i try to think that fate will intervene and i will find what i am looking for. my love... my life. i know you're out there... somewhere out there.

:: 2003 29 April :: 10.11 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "hannah hold on" - the get up kids

:: 2003 28 April :: 10.11 pm

i
feel like i could die tonight. i'm so alone. so tired. so so so tired. no one ever calls. no one ever says hello.
i passed by his work today. his car was there. it stands out so sharp, so nice. i would love to drive it again. but its okay. i'll get over it. i think i will. i hope i will.
actually i hope he is the one. and we're meant to be... but maybe i won't ever know.

rambling... sleep. now.

:: 2003 27 April :: 11.35 pm

the best times... reminiscing of times when you were so fucked up drunk you can't even remember. i'm on the phone talking to my friend about what happened last night/this morning. you know, its a little bit funny... last year, i never thought i'd be going to parties and drinking and actually knowing people. i never thought i would be in love with a guy who is so great and perfect. and i don't know, it just sorta seems like everything is falling into place. not really into place, but things aren't so scattered out. things aren't so bad anymore. actually things are starting to look up, even if its just a little bit...

:: 2003 27 April :: 5.25 pm

last night was prom night. it was alright fun. it was fun to dance. but it would have been more fun if i had a date. oh well, its over now. the strap on my dress broke. we went over to roger's afterwards. i'm still feeling that today. i think i had 6.. maybe 7. i still have a headache. but it was well worth it. my driving under the influence count is now up to 3 times. i'm actually quite good at it. i didn't get home this morning until like 7:15 lol. i thought i was gonna be in so much trouble. but i'm really not. yep. well thats it. today i mostly slept. nothing exciting.

:: 2003 24 April :: 10.22 pm

The E-mails
So i don't know why, but i just want to post these e-mails that my friend sent me yesterday and today. i x'd out the names because, well i'm dumb like that and don't want anyone who knows these people to read this and get pissed off so anyway... here goes.
Hey Mrs. xxxxxx,
HOpe the testing went ok. Job shadowing sucks the little kids are brats, i have no clue how my aunt takes them everyday. anyway, went to xxx's for a little last night. it was ok. tell you bout it later. xxxxx told me xxxxx doesnt want me at all and that he never will, and he wont mess w/ a girl twice bc i am nothing but used goods to him. SHe is such a bitch. do you think that's true? or is it just her being a bitch like usual? ANy way, talk to ya later
Best Friends,
xxxxxx

PS. I think xxxx likes you!

That was yesterdays... Todays follows..

Christy,
Hey, what's up? i cant believe you weren't online last night. that's crazy! Did your dad see my jacket at the field last night. i left it there and it wasnt there today. i hope someone picked it up. anyway, did you see anyone cool in staunton last night. i am pissed xxxx and i were supposed to go drinking last night but he never called. my mom and i got in a huge fight, bc she says i have changed and am trying to create a new "image" to impress a guy. she is gay and i dont think she is gonna let me go camping, but we'll see. who knows. any how, i want xxxxx so bad i cant stand it. i dont know how i will get through these next few months w/o seeing or having him, but to be honest chances are once i leave i will get over him, but for now i am so crazy about him. as for my night, it sucked. xxxxx ditched me last night and i spent the whole night talking to tosser for like an hour or more. and the asshole simmons the cop ran my plates. i was sitting in my car talking to donald and he didn't realize that we were in our cars, and he went on his computer and ran the plates. he was doing it for all the people who had cars uptown. what an ass. anyhow, i think i am gonna go work on my paper. unless i get distracted and we all know how i cant focus for more than two seconds. oh well, i'll talk to ya later. bye bye Mrs. xxxxxx xxxxxx.
Best Friends,
xxxxxx (xxxxxxx)

PS. Hopefully one day our names will be those!


i don't really know what to say about that. she is blowing things completely out of proportion. and i saw her going into staunton tonight when i was leaving. ugh. i don't know what to say, but i have anatomy and history tests tomorrow so i have to go try to study.

:: 2003 21 April :: 11.12 pm

step out the front door like a ghost into a fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white...
i'm scared and excited all at the same time. see, i don't want these times to end... but i'm anxious to see what will happen to me once they're gone. its sort of hurting me to realize that soon my childhood will be gone. i've been so ready to be an adult, but i'm going to look back wishing i was young again. i'm looking at colleges and i don't know what to do. i'm so in love, but am i? do i want to stay? and is it him i'm wanting to stay for? or is there something else. plus he already said he wanted to move east. boston or connecticut would be perfect. we could be so happy. everything would be perfect. and he just signed on msn. so now i'm feeling nervous again. i never know what to say and how i wish he would just talk to me... but he hardly does. i'm not going to go on and on about him again. i've already said how perfect he is... be he is. and i think i love him... i think i do.

:: 2003 21 April :: 12.26 pm

thinking back... that night could have been better. risk it all right? why not. but i'm not complaining, it was still great.
anyway.. last night was pretty bad. we didn't see anyone. well, we saw 2 kids who were supposed to get us shit, but they couldn't get it. we saw mike, but then he left, probly went to tino's. jayme went home and roger went back to school so there was nothing else to do. so we went home around 11:15. why waste gas money when there is nothing to do? today i was going to go shopping at the galleria in west st. louis. but that didn't happen. all the college kids are back in school and they're the only people who matter. again, i am pretty scared about everyone leaving. i will have a taste of that on next wednesday when all my friends from school go to florida on their class trip.
its just really crazy... i mean, i thought i could never love another person after that episode w/ that one person so long ago... but look at me now. i'm even more in love with someone else, and i really hope i can get with him, but maybe, just maybe, if things don't work out we could still be friends, and maybe i will find someone who i love as much if not more in the future. i care not to think about that right now tho, because i really do love him. but, things are going to be changing like i've said... and i guess things like this can't last forever... but oh do i love him. well i guess i am going to go. there is nothing to do today but i have about 50 million cds on my desk that could stand to be moved. and if it isn't going to rain anymore, i could wash my car. or look for shit on e-bay for my car. later.

:: 2003 20 April :: 7.40 pm

i was just thinking... i mean.. this is so hard for me to say and i don't know why... but we were talking about college and partying and it just got me thinking... this is it. everything is changing after this summer. i might never see my friends again. i might lose the only 2 people i care about. and they don't even know i care about them so much. it scares me so much for people to leave me. i don't want to be alone. but i'm trying to keep this belief that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out in the end. but i can't shake this crazy feeling that i'm going to miss out on something. all i want is to be in love. to be happy. to love and to be loved in return. thats all i want. but i'm scared that people are going to leave me and not even remember me, and i'm scared that when it comes time for me to leave, everyone will be gone. and i'm afraid that i'm too young for the one person that i love so much more than anything ever. and i can't get these thoughts out of my head... and after last night with him and dustin and leslie, i realized that friends are the best thing ever. and i wish i had those people as better friends. people i could call to go out all the time. that would be so great. so so great.

:: 2003 20 April :: 11.13 am

last night was one of the best nights of my life. i will explain. first, we leave at 8, my friend leslie and i. we head to staunton to see if anyone is in town. we see tino cruising, so we try to get his attention to see if there is going to be a party. but we can't call him because we don't have nextels and then he leaves. then we see cory. but we can't get ahold of him either. so then we go back to our town and call dustin. he said he had some bacardi and sky and we could go on a country cruise. so then we go back to staunon to meet them. while there, we see mike and try to pull him over but we couldn't get him to. then we saw leslie's cousin nathan. so we pulled him over and asked if there were any parties. he lead us out to one way out in the country. leslie wanted to go. but we had already told dustin we were going with him. so finally we go back into town and find dustin. he wanted to take my car but it was too small for the 4 of us to fit in so we took his car. i parked mine at the bank and we went out. it was so much fun. we parked at this rock pile out in the middle of the country and listened to the radio and just talked and drank and had fun. it was great. leslie got pretty drunk again, but it was okay because the 2 guys were out there too. it was so great i can't even explain it. i pray something like it happens again. because it was the best night ever. but finally we had to go back. someone had told the guys that there were road blocks coming back into town where cops were checking for alcohol. so we went deep into the country and came into town on the backroads. i'm so glad i didn't get caught driving home. i would have been fucked with a dui. but its okay... because everything went great. Best Night Ever.

:: 2003 19 April :: 3.27 pm

last night wasn't bad, but it was by far not good. if only we had some guts. we would have either A. went over to tino's. or B. went to charlie's. either way it would have been cool. oh well. maybe tonight will be cool. you never know. its kinda rainy and cold, but still, you never know.