journal

journal

:: 2003 17 April :: 10.27 pm

its happened again. we talked about it. tonight there might have been a party. she said she'd let me know. and we could go meet up with the guys. but i get home and is there a message? no. is she online? no. i call her house. is she home? no. i call her cell. does she answer? no. so again, i'm fucked over. i'm getting so so sick of this shit. when is anything good going to ever happen to me?

:: 2003 16 April :: 10.49 pm

i tried so hard to be someone different. i tried to be someone. and now what am i? i'm no one. no one in love but once again the person i'm in love with could care less. i mean why ever would anyone want me? i'm ugly, and stupid, and too young to do anything. i'm shy and dumb and so so wrong for everyone. why do i keep falling in love with people who are too good for me?

:: 2003 15 April :: 11.01 pm

i've really been feeling terrible these past few days and i don't know why. maybe its a premonition. you know... bad things to come. like i said before. there is supposed to be a big party this weekend. my friend was trying to instruct me on how to act to get a guy. i don't think her method is going to work for me. maybe i'll just get real fucking drunk, so i pass out and forget his face by the time i wake up. or maybe i won't even go. maybe i should act like the ellusive phantom, and not show up anywhere except where least expected. well i was in a good mood today until i got home and saw that the greatest person in the world was online. then i froze. i didn't know what to say or do. so i waited. and then finally, finally when i worked up enough courage to just message him... he didn't respond. but all my hope was pushed away by an away message. i wonder what he's doing. studying? watching tv? burning a cd? talking on the phone? or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. its a very good possibility. it makes me want to die but its quite a possibility. see... my friend doesn't understand. she doesn't see that he (this perfect boy) sees nothing in me but stupidity, ugliness, and immaturity. i'll never be good enough. never. i simply will never do. i really miss seeing him tho... i wish i could see him soon, and we could talk, and be cool, be friends. at least.

:: 2003 14 April :: 10.28 pm

falling.over.you. is the news of the day.
1. today was nothing special at all. i did nothing much all day but sit around.
2. sunday. easter. my friend says that our friend's boyfriend may be having a party. 3 different groups of guys will be there. the group i like, the group she likes, and our cousins' group. it would be really great if that party would happen. but i don't see it going down.
3. its been over a week since i talked to one of the few people i actually care about. its starting to bother me that i haven't been able to even talk to him on msn or anything. and i haven't seen him other than passing on the road in more than a month which is really bothering me. but i suppose i shouldn't push anything. i just wish my friends would stop mobile messaging him telling him that its me. and saying bad shit. they don't realize what he means to me.

so i guess thats all for now. maybe there will be more on here later, esp. if i talk to anyone in the next hour or so.

:: 2003 13 April :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: angry

i'm simply not good enough...
i really don't know how i feel. ya, i'm angry. and i'm feeling depressed. but also not terrible. i've never felt like this before. i think it must be anger mixed with a hint of betrayal. i mean we were supposed to be friends, but no. she dicks me over to go get drunk w/ our friend's boyfriend. then all she can do is brag about how she almost got raped twice. whatever. now she's bitching about not seeing her crush for 4 weeks. 4 weeks is nothing. i haven't seen mine for about a month. so she can just fuck off. i'm so sick of hearing about her problems. they're not even problems. i'm gonna hate it when she's gone, i know, but right now i just wish she'd leave.

:: 2003 12 April :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: angry

so we had plans. but i guess other people are more important than me. we're supposed to be best friends, but i get dicked over again. what a bunch of crap.

:: 2003 6 April :: 11.52 pm
:: Music: the entire "on a wire" cd

i signed on msn, and there he was... online. i minimized the screen and thought of him. just breathe. then... he IM'd me. HE initiated the conversation. and even as simple as the conversation was, it made my night.

just talking to him makes everything worth while. and even if we are just friends, just friends is better than most anything i could ever hope for.

:: 2003 3 April :: 9.04 pm
:: Music: "devil in jersey city" - coheed and cambria

its too late to find a better way out of this...
i'm so bored. again. every time i get on here i am bored. but i am leaving soon. so i'm hoping to see someone "special" ::wink wink:: lol. i saw him the other day and oh was he looking good. i think i already posted about this, but oh well. i can't get him off my mind. well anyway, i'm going to have to leave in a few. so i will stop. but i might be back later, depending on whether or not anyone is online. later.

:: 2003 1 April :: 7.48 pm
:: Music: "best i ever had" - vertical horizon

bored again...
i am so so bored. its dumb. not one person is online. it was such a beautiful day today, but now its gone and i'm bored. so so bored. some things are really really messed up. like really. like sharing significant others. who would ever want to do that? well apparently some people do, because that is what is going on tonight. it just doesn't make sense, and at the same time its so obvious. its just crazy. but while there is all this talk of getting together and hooking up, i can't help but think that i really would like to have a boyfriend. someone to talk to on the phone and go see. someone to hold hands with and dance with. but, i don't know how to go about getting that. i try to think that destiny and fate will work its magic and someday i will be happy, but its been so long since anyone cared about me, i'm starting to fear that being alone is how i like to be. how i always will be. but i can't really say that i don't understand it. i mean i'm not pretty at all, and i'm not outgoing and flirtatious. i'm not anything but dumb. not anything at all. and even though, right now, i think i know exactly what i want, its never going to be a mutual thing... if that makes any sense. i mean, he could have any girl he wants, why would he choose me? he wouldn't. plain and simple. but i want to tell him so bad that i want him, but last time i attempted being brave and honest it exploded in my face, and i'd rather stay as an aquaintance to him than as someone i hate. but still. i just wish he felt the same as i do.

:: 2003 30 March :: 6.33 pm

Have you ever...
1. Been Kissed: no
2. Done drugs: not bad ones
3. Eaten an entire box of oreos?: oreos suck
4. Eaten sushi? nope
5. Been on stage: i guess so
6. Been dumped: oh yeah
7.Gotten in a car accident: yep
8. Watched Punky Brewster? maybe back in the day
9. Watched Scooby doo: ya
10. Flipped 8 times off a bike?: not 8 times
11. Stayed home on a Saturday night just 4 the heck of it: hell no
12. Seen the White House: yes, during the clinton scandal
1. Cold or hot: hot
2. Lace or Satin: satin
3. Blue or Red: red
4. Rain or snow: rainy
5. Give or receive: give
6. Wool or cotton: cotton
7. Rose or daisy: Rose
8. Private school or public school: public
9. Chocolate milk or plain milk: milk sucks
11. Spring or fall? fall
12. History or Science?: history
13. Math or English: english
14. Alternative or Country: both i guess

Opposite sex
1. Do they like you?: not the one i want to like me
2. What do you look for in a man? personality... and nice car lol.

Your Friends

1. Who's your funniest friend? cory or tino
2. Who makes you laugh/smile the most? leslie
3. Who do you e-mail the most? no e-mail
4. Who's the shyest? i am, but other than that probly skipster. lol.
5. Whose parents do you know the best? leslie's, and jayme's

Within the last 24 hours...
1. Had a serious talk? ya
2. Hugged someone? yep
3. Gotten along with your parents? ya, but not for a good 12 hours
4. Fought with a friend? no

Do you like to...
1. Give hugs? i'm too shy to hug someone
2. Give back rubs? if someone asked for one i would give them one, but i wouldn't just go up to someone and start rubbing their back, although maybe i should try that
3. Take walks in the rain? ya

Random Q's
1. You ever have that falling dream?: a couple times
2. What color is your floor/carpet in your room: brown wood
3. What was the last CD you bought? i really don't know, i think it was the "Chicago" soundtrack
4. If you chew gum, what kind? whatever
5. Do you use chapstick? occassionally
6. What did u do last summer? absolutley nothing

1. Full Name: don't worry bout it.
2. Gender: female
3. Nicknames: trickster.
4. Hair color: brown right now.
5. Eye Color: green like july.

Which one of your Friends...
1. Is most likely to grow up to be a model: cory
2. Which one knows most about you: leslie
3. Have you known the longest: leslie and jayme
4. You know most about: leslie
6. Is the smartest: i don't know
7. Most likely to end up in jail: oh lets see, justin, tino, cory, curt, jordan, mike, marc, everyone lol.

Favorites....
1. Food: chicken
2. T.V. Show: law and order and nypd blue
3.Drinks: bacardi, sky blu, smirnoff, dr. pepper, gingerale, mt. dew. corona lol.
4. Actor: luke wilson, jude law
5. Actress: gwyneth paltrow
6. Restaurant: olive garden or something, i don't know.
9. Song(s): right now "why georgia" by john mayer and "semi-charmed kinda life" - 3eb
10. Singer/Group: bright eyes, lyndsay diaries, dashboard, and a lot of others.
11 Sport: i don't know... baseball?
12 Colors: red and green, but mainly red.
13. Candy: i don't know... chocolate

Have you ever..

1. Been to a concert: ya, i'd say.
2. What was your first concert: teenage mutant ninja turtles in concert.
3. Been in a different country: nope
4. Loved someone so much it made you cry?: ya definitely.
5. Cheated on a test: i'm sure i have.
6. Bought something and then saw it cheaper somewhere else: ya, that pisses me off.
7. Stole from somewhere or someone?: probably, i don't remember but everyone steals shit.
8.Stalked smeone: sadly yes.

1. Single or taken: unfortunately single
2. Who is your biggest crush: i'm not revealing names, but its the guy i write about in here all the time.
3. If you could go out with anyone who would it be? same person as above
1. Scariest moment: i don't know, getting on a plane or a train.
2. Happiest moment: not sure...
3. Do you curse too much: ya, i can't help it. not in front of certain people tho.
4. When was the last time you showered? this morning, my hair smelled like weed. i had to shower.
5. What color pants do you have on right now?: blue denim
6. What cd are you listening to right now?: none.
7. What is the last thing that you said?: whats wrong with you?
8. What is right next to you? finger nail polish, nail polish remover, tanning lotion, mango lotion, contact solution, digital camera, cds, lamp, a bunch of other shit too.
9. What is your computer desk made of? looks like wood but only God knows, i got it at walmart.
10. Do you have any lava lamps? nope, i'm too poor for that shit.
11. How many buddies do you have on your list? 20, myself included
13. What did you do last night?: went to tino's to chill/party
14. Last person that you talked to on the phone?: jayme
15. What's the nicest thing you find about the opposite sex? everything.
16. Who do you admire most?: i don't know.
How do you eat an OREO? i don't.
19. Fav M&M?: red ones are da bomb diggity. lol.

We wanna know...
Coke or Pepsi?: coke
MTV or VH1?: i don't watch either
WB or FOX?: i don't know
ABC or NBC?: cbs bullshit they give us fact or fiction i guess an even split. and each new act of war is tonight's entertainment...
TV or Movies?: movies
CDs or Mp3s?: either, they are both cool.
Email or Snail Mail?: e-mail.
Talk Shows or Soap Operas?: i'm not home during the day so neither.
Party or Hang out?: whats the difference?Sunrise or Sunset?: they are really just the same...
Night or Day?: night
Chips or Cookies?: both... gotta balance sweets and salts.
Fritos or Cheetos?: neither

:: 2003 30 March :: 6.18 pm
:: Music: "round here" - counting crows

so i've come to the realization that i really like hanging out at tino's apartment on the weekends. last night there were so many people there. and everything was good. just sitting around and talking is great. especially when the girl to guy ratio is about 4 to 10. i mean there are so many guys that are nice, and good looking, and just great. but still, as i'm sitting surrounded by about 5 hot guys i can't stop thinking about the one guy that i never get to see. the one guy that i would really like to see, and to talk to. he's never around anymore. he hardly talks to me anymore. its really depressing me. and i tried to forget about him, pretend he didn't mean anything to me, but i can't lie to myself. i like him, a whole lot. so whats wrong with me? why am i feeling this? if i could just enjoy being with the people that i see all the time then life would be much better. but i can't get him off my mind. but i don't know what to do. i don't know if he even thinks of me as a friend. if he did then i could ask him to go somewhere, you know just as friends, and maybe something could get resolved. but i don't know what he thinks of me... and i don't want him to think that i am coming on to him if he thinks i am the biggest chod in the whole world. why can't things just be easy?

:: 2003 28 March :: 8.13 pm
:: Music: "all that jazz"

and all that jazz...
well here it all begins. leslie turned 18 on wednesday and already she is ditching me to go to wild country. and she will ditch me next weekend to so she can go there w/ the guys. i want to go so bad its not even funny. i've never had this happen before where i couldn't do something that i wanted to do so bad. and it hurts. it sucks. and its not just going to wild country. it going with who she will be able to go with. i mean dancing with *him* would be amazing. it would be the best thing ever. but no. now i feel even more like an outkast. like i'm someone who is too young for anything. just another excuse, another reason why things would never work between me and him. but oh how i wish they would work. it would be the greatest thing in the world to be his girl.

:: 2003 26 March :: 10.27 pm
:: Music: "wishing well" - the lyndsay diaries

it seems that i'm coming to realize everything i've done wrong. i changed everything for one person, then i changed everything back for another. what is wrong with me? honestly.

and by the way... future kids names: christian, conor, scott, claire, roxanne, or jolie.

:: 2003 24 March :: 11.20 pm
:: Music: "kathy with a k's song" - bright eyes

oh my darling when you smile, it is like a song, and i can hear it now.
the first star i see may not be a star... but if it is, i'm going to make a wish... and not tell anyone for hopes that it may come true.

but i will write it here... because this is a part of me... so here it goes... i wish that you would love me... i wish you would want me, i wish you would need me, I WISH YOU WOULD NOTICE ME!

:: 2003 23 March :: 9.38 pm

is this death really you?
ya, i don't know what to say. i just really wish that for once i would like somebody who liked me back. wouldn't that just be perfect. you know, like a movie script ending. that would be so great. but most of the time it feels like that will never ever happen. i'm watching blue streak and updating this during commercials. yeah, but anyway... she really loves d. and i think that he could love her too. that would be so great. but its like, they have plans to see each other, even if its not them who is making the plans. i think that it would be neat if i had someone who would help me out with this. you know. help us hook up. but maybe he doesn't want to. oh how i miss all the old days. i miss so much when they used to drive around on saturday nights. and when they pulled us over to talk. oh god how i hate the way things change. i just wish he knew i liked him, and i wish he felt the same. then everything would be okay.